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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want MIL not to always take DD to her house ?

348 replies

nattichix · 07/04/2022 11:05

Let me start by saying, I DO NOT rely on my MIL or in laws for child care. My DD is two and a few months and goes to full time nursey.

When my in laws want to spend time with her, THEY contact me to ask if they can pick her up from nursey or pick her up from my house at the weekend etc.

They rarely come to visit her here, they're always keen to just take her away to her house to ' give me a break '. So they say. I suspect they just like to be alone with her in their own home.

Generally it's OK for me. But sometimes I would rather they just spent time with her here in my home, whilst I'm also here. My DD is getting to the age now where she's really starting to learn a lot and I really want her time to be used well. I want her to have fun, but I do want everyone to do their part to teach her songs and not just spend time speaking to her in a baby voice and giving her kisses. It's super cute and we do it a lot, but if she's going to spend a lot of time at their house, I would like for them to do some educational stuff with her, which I think they don't really do. They also let her get away with murder and never tell her not to do stuff. Sometimes they want to see her once to twice a week, so she can spend a bit of time there. It's variable though, sometimes they don't have her there for a couple of weeks. It depends on their schedule.

There may be a period coming up where they'll ask to have her round more and I'm concerned how it will impractical her.

In that case, if I am also there sometimes, I can suggest activities or encourage everyone to try teaching her certain things I'm working on - like body parts or colours etc. whatever it might be I'm trying to teach her.

I just don't like that they always want to snatch her away and are unwilling to spend time with her here.

Like I say, sometimes is fine, but it shouldn't be the expectation every time they want to spend time with her.

What does everyone else do when their children see grandparents ? Is it always on the grandparents terms at their house, without you there ? Or do you all spend time together ?

OP posts:
montysma1 · 08/04/2022 05:21

Oh dear god, no wonder they escape to their own house.
Wait till she is at school and not getting the lead in the school play or not winning gold star pupil of the week... .its going to kill you.

Bournetilly · 08/04/2022 06:39

I think it’s really bad they didn’t bring her straight home after you asked, YANBU to want them to see her at your house. Would they maybe be able to have her one day a week? Then you could save money on nursery fees and they get to see her.

SPRINGAIR · 08/04/2022 06:52

If you’re worrying about her development etc. at this level, you are already a great parent. She is one lucky child having a parent so interested in her well-being. Don’t compare her to other children. You will meet lots of competitive parents who often exaggerate their children’s capabilities etc. Even if they are not exaggerating, ignore them. Focus on your own child’s progress and enjoy your child’s childhood. Relax. It goes by so quickly.

As for your in-laws, I hope you get it resolved in a calm way so you and your child continue to have a relationship with them (if that is positive for everyone). Good luck!

Limongrass · 08/04/2022 06:55

Talking about it here won't change the situation, you need to tell them this is nit acceptable. Turn your perception around, if they stand there arguing with a pregnant woman who just wants to spend time with her child, who looks like the bad guy? Also, if you address this after the baby is born, they still look like the bad guys, I'd definitely confront them whilst they look like the assholes for upsetting you.
I wish I'd stood up to my MIL when I was pregnant or had a newborn, she would have argued with me, stormed out and made a real fuss, which would only have looked bad and unsupportive of her. Now, she's getting older and my kids are older and I have to be a bit more careful what I say to her. Have your argument.

dottydodah · 08/04/2022 07:26

I would not worry about this TBH. They are doing you a very big favour and many mums would be jealous of a little break! She is learning all the time anyway .Some cuddle time with DGP will be beneficial for her emotional health .

FartSock5000 · 08/04/2022 17:59

My memories of time spent at my Nana's house are some of my most precious.

You need to chill.

NannaKaren · 08/04/2022 18:27

Let her play, children learn from play. Please don’t compare her to other kiddies. She will do just fine at her own pace. Grandparents sound wonderful - children need love to feel happy and secure xxx

Kennykenkencat · 08/04/2022 18:31

In that case, if I am also there sometimes, I can suggest activities or encourage everyone to try teaching her certain things I'm working on - like body parts or colours etc. whatever it might be I'm trying to teach her

I am not a gambling person but I would bet that if you don’t teach her names of body parts and colours etc By the time she leaves school she will know them anyway.

Why do you feel you need to be teaching a 2 year old anything other than they are safe and loved and can try doing anything and if it goes wrong you are there to help.

What happens if she gets a body part or colour wrong. Do you correct her?

Neither of mine spoke at 2 years old. Both have learning difficulties but they seem to know their body parts and colours with no input from me.

StellakateT · 08/04/2022 18:32

When I thought my son was behind his peers his wise school teacher said the children who start first do not always finish the race. He caught up in his own time and went on to get a good degree. Enjoy your little girl.

JessieLongleg · 08/04/2022 18:32

I think it's a bit strange they never spend time with you and the child. I would go to my grandparents alot but they would come to ours as well and mum was working. Think the problem really is they are telling you how you need support. Rather than being part of your life and deciding together. Get grandparents spoil the grandchildren but everything was a bit stricter at theirs like how we behaviour of meals etc.

Madjakelmum · 08/04/2022 18:33

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Nothappyatwork · 08/04/2022 18:35

@JessieLongleg

I think it's a bit strange they never spend time with you and the child. I would go to my grandparents alot but they would come to ours as well and mum was working. Think the problem really is they are telling you how you need support. Rather than being part of your life and deciding together. Get grandparents spoil the grandchildren but everything was a bit stricter at theirs like how we behaviour of meals etc.
They probably think the poor child could do with a break
Bobbins36 · 08/04/2022 18:36

@nattichix

Oh guys no. I'm just worried about her. I'm not actually teaching her stuff all the time at all.

I just think she seems behind and was trying to help her get to the same level as some of her peers.

She’s two, please don’t compare her to her peers. They all progress differently. Relax and let her enjoy being 2. Granny’s kisses and cuddles are a special part of that.
Staryflight445 · 08/04/2022 18:37

@Madjakelmum it’s you’re and perhaps you should read the full thread, where you’ll realise that op is concerned about her child’s development and then asked her child’s grandparents to bring her home for them all to spend time together after nursery as they asked to pick her up and they just took her back to their house despite saying they’d take her home.

Op is also heavily pregnant and doesn’t spend much time with her own child.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/04/2022 18:37

You are her parent. You call the shots.

Supergirl1958 · 08/04/2022 18:44

@nattichix

Oh guys no. I'm just worried about her. I'm not actually teaching her stuff all the time at all.

I just think she seems behind and was trying to help her get to the same level as some of her peers.

In what way do you consider your DD to be behind in comparison to her peers @nattichix?

My DS is 28 months. He only knows a few colours and shapes and body parts and he can count to 29 (says 2010 for 30 😂😂) but he is by no means consistent sometimes he says cheek for chin or square for triangle!!! Nor is he ‘ahead’ have you had anything confirmed by Nursery, health visitors etc? If not relax, she’s fine. As others have said she will learn through play! I’m an early years and key stage 1 teacher and I rarely ‘teach’ my son unless he wants to do it! No point in forcing them, I’ve seen that with children who come into my classroom…they switch off…get fed up and don’t have time to just be a child and play!

FYI I live for the time when my parents or in-laws have my DS! I enjoy the peace, get a bit of tidying done, watch a bit of non CBeebies TV!! It’s amazing!!!

Stars2theside · 08/04/2022 18:46

To the people being rude and calling the OP a dick and such like - how rude are you?!

OP - I make you right, if something doesn't sit eihht with you. It's for a good reason. And it involves your child, you need to say it and put the boundaries in place now. It'll only drive you msd otherwise! FWIW, I feek the same as you with regards to grandparents doing similar. I nipped it in the bud when similar happened to me cos it just felt really off. My inlaws don't like me and the feeling is mutual. When my daughter stays overnight there now, I also rarely use them for childcare as they're unreliable, but they've started bathing her and washing her hair. It's only ever for one night and she's always clean!! Infuriates me!

saraclara · 08/04/2022 18:50

When my daughter stays overnight there now, I also rarely use them for childcare as they're unreliable, but they've started bathing her and washing her hair. It's only ever for one night and she's always clean!! Infuriates me!

What's wrong with that? A nightly bath was part of my kids' bedtime routine. Maybe it was their kids' too, so they're doing the same with your DD.

ElvinBoys · 08/04/2022 18:58

That’s what grandparents are for. Kids are like popcorn. Prepared in the same pot, in the same heat with the same oil yet the kernels don’t all pop at the same time. Don’t compare your child to other children, her time to pop is coming!

Ginburee · 08/04/2022 19:00

Be thankful you have them, your child will learn so much from thier life experience.

PeaceToEveryOne · 08/04/2022 19:01

Some children talk and walk before others, but they all catch up in the end, the best way for her to learn, is by having fun and spending time with family, is a wonderful way, to build. Her confidence, perhaps, she is shy, maybe, invite some of her friends over put a tent out in the garden, for a little den.
Don't make her old before her time, she will get vibes from you, that she is not good enough, just love her for who she is.

OfstedOffred · 08/04/2022 19:05

ummmm you sound extreme overbearing, 2 year olds do not need to spend all their time doing structured learning

This. It's not how 2 year olds learn.you just talk normally and expose them to a wide range of activity (lots of which is just normal life, cooking, shopping, parks, other kids etc) and they just you know, soak it up.

Hollywolly1 · 08/04/2022 19:05

@nattichix

Let me start by saying, I DO NOT rely on my MIL or in laws for child care. My DD is two and a few months and goes to full time nursey.

When my in laws want to spend time with her, THEY contact me to ask if they can pick her up from nursey or pick her up from my house at the weekend etc.

They rarely come to visit her here, they're always keen to just take her away to her house to ' give me a break '. So they say. I suspect they just like to be alone with her in their own home.

Generally it's OK for me. But sometimes I would rather they just spent time with her here in my home, whilst I'm also here. My DD is getting to the age now where she's really starting to learn a lot and I really want her time to be used well. I want her to have fun, but I do want everyone to do their part to teach her songs and not just spend time speaking to her in a baby voice and giving her kisses. It's super cute and we do it a lot, but if she's going to spend a lot of time at their house, I would like for them to do some educational stuff with her, which I think they don't really do. They also let her get away with murder and never tell her not to do stuff. Sometimes they want to see her once to twice a week, so she can spend a bit of time there. It's variable though, sometimes they don't have her there for a couple of weeks. It depends on their schedule.

There may be a period coming up where they'll ask to have her round more and I'm concerned how it will impractical her.

In that case, if I am also there sometimes, I can suggest activities or encourage everyone to try teaching her certain things I'm working on - like body parts or colours etc. whatever it might be I'm trying to teach her.

I just don't like that they always want to snatch her away and are unwilling to spend time with her here.

Like I say, sometimes is fine, but it shouldn't be the expectation every time they want to spend time with her.

What does everyone else do when their children see grandparents ? Is it always on the grandparents terms at their house, without you there ? Or do you all spend time together ?

This is your child and your say where and when she goes and with whom,so if you are not that pleased why are you letting her go?
Hollywolly1 · 08/04/2022 19:06

@Stars2theside

To the people being rude and calling the OP a dick and such like - how rude are you?!

OP - I make you right, if something doesn't sit eihht with you. It's for a good reason. And it involves your child, you need to say it and put the boundaries in place now. It'll only drive you msd otherwise! FWIW, I feek the same as you with regards to grandparents doing similar. I nipped it in the bud when similar happened to me cos it just felt really off. My inlaws don't like me and the feeling is mutual. When my daughter stays overnight there now, I also rarely use them for childcare as they're unreliable, but they've started bathing her and washing her hair. It's only ever for one night and she's always clean!! Infuriates me!

^^This
Tomitma111 · 08/04/2022 19:23

The way I see it is, the In laws probably realise how over bearing you are, and they want to give the child some play time, instead of having teaching thrown at her at every chance you get. She is 2 years of age, there is more than enough time later to start teaching let her be the child she is