To want MIL not to always take DD to her house ?

[nattichix]

Let me start by saying, I DO NOT rely on my MIL or in laws for child care. My DD is two and a few months and goes to full time nursey.

When my in laws want to spend time with her, THEY contact me to ask if they can pick her up from nursey or pick her up from my house at the weekend etc.

They rarely come to visit her here, they're always keen to just take her away to her house to ' give me a break '. So they say. I suspect they just like to be alone with her in their own home.

Generally it's OK for me. But sometimes I would rather they just spent time with her here in my home, whilst I'm also here. My DD is getting to the age now where she's really starting to learn a lot and I really want her time to be used well. I want her to have fun, but I do want everyone to do their part to teach her songs and not just spend time speaking to her in a baby voice and giving her kisses. It's super cute and we do it a lot, but if she's going to spend a lot of time at their house, I would like for them to do some educational stuff with her, which I think they don't really do. They also let her get away with murder and never tell her not to do stuff. Sometimes they want to see her once to twice a week, so she can spend a bit of time there. It's variable though, sometimes they don't have her there for a couple of weeks. It depends on their schedule.

There may be a period coming up where they'll ask to have her round more and I'm concerned how it will impractical her.

In that case, if I am also there sometimes, I can suggest activities or encourage everyone to try teaching her certain things I'm working on - like body parts or colours etc. whatever it might be I'm trying to teach her.

I just don't like that they always want to snatch her away and are unwilling to spend time with her here.

Like I say, sometimes is fine, but it shouldn't be the expectation every time they want to spend time with her.

What does everyone else do when their children see grandparents ? Is it always on the grandparents terms at their house, without you there ? Or do you all spend time together ?

It doesn’t matter if it gets turned on you - you’re not being unreasonable, not one bit, and you need to stand firm in that assertion as otherwise they’ll just keep walking all over your boundaries.

There is no need for them to turn this on you. You simply tell them you asked them to bring her back and if they don’t do that when asked then you feel unable to trust them so they can no longer collect her/have her at their house. They have done this to themselves, it’s not your fault they’ve been stupid. Don’t allow them to make you feel like the bad guy in this situation. If you can’t face it, then your dh will need to tackle the issue.

Just got a call saying they're back at their house and want to keep her there a few hours.

I don't think it's fair really, seeing as I asked nicely and was so looking forward to seeing her and them

So I think you are being a bit OTT generally, but I’d hit the roof at that.

If you disagree with your child or child-in-law then you use your words and say so. You don’t ride roughshod over what they’ve said with regard to their child

When they bring her back I’d tell them, calmly and politely, that if they ever do that again it’ll be the last time they collect her from nursery.

That kind of shit needs nipping in the bud. You don’t take someone else’s kid. Even if you think they’re being utterly ridiculous you just don’t do that.

I just feel quite disrespected by this. It hurts !

Like my wishes don't matter. Not a nice feeling.

@JustLyra

Just got a call saying they're back at their house and want to keep her there a few hours.

I don't think it's fair really, seeing as I asked nicely and was so looking forward to seeing her and them

So I think you are being a bit OTT generally, but I’d hit the roof at that.

If you disagree with your child or child-in-law then you use your words and say so. You don’t ride roughshod over what they’ve said with regard to their child

When they bring her back I’d tell them, calmly and politely, that if they ever do that again it’ll be the last time they collect her from nursery.

That kind of shit needs nipping in the bud. You don’t take someone else’s kid. Even if you think they’re being utterly ridiculous you just don’t do that.

This. Calmly, clearly, with no apology.

I thought they were maybe just a little over-enthusiastic or just really love having her at theirs. Which is fine, I loved spending time with my grandparents, it was one of my favourite things as a child.

But stamping all over you like this? Being rude and disrespectful and bang out of order in their disregard of what you’ve said?

No.

I would be really cross OP! They've overstepped the boundaries here.

This is a weird thread. A lot of moving parts. A lot of real time updates. Fuming.

It's the drama, Mick...

Oh I do hope not...

@Favourodds

This is a weird thread. A lot of moving parts. A lot of real time updates. Fuming.

It's the drama, Mick...

Love Pam.

My DD is getting to the age now where she's really starting to learn a lot and I really want her time to be used well. I want her to have fun, but I do want everyone to do their part to teach her songs

I say this as a 4,5 yrs university educated nursery teacher; you seriously need to chill.

@Atomiccat

My DD is getting to the age now where she's really starting to learn a lot and I really want her time to be used well. I want her to have fun, but I do want everyone to do their part to teach her songs

I say this as a 4,5 yrs university educated nursery teacher; you seriously need to chill.

Thank you I do take that on board.

They’re abusing you as a person, of course they could be abusing your child.
You asked them to bring her home and they took her back to their house.
It’s a huge red flag, and I reiterate… they don’t sound like nice people, the fact they are so desperate for alone time is honestly bizarre, they don’t respect other adults boundary’s so it’s unlikely they respect your child’s.

Please go round and ensure they’re not upto something dodgy with your child. You have mentioned delays, abuse can certainly cause delays too.

You’re pregnant and vulnerable, and barely see her. Your request was simple, bring her home and we can all spend time with her.
They are awful for disrespecting that.

My advice when the do deliver your daughter back to you is to calmly ask them "Mary.....John....when I said that you could collect Sarah from nursery and asked that you bring her back here, why didn't you?"
Then leave a pause. Let them think about it and see if they come up with a reason.
If they come back with "Oh we didn't think you'd mind" (and I seriously suspect they will), then you counter that with
"Well I did and I do mind. If you want to collect Sarah from nursery, you must bring her back here from now on. I won't crowd you out and you can have a cuppa and some cake while you're here too. As her mother, I don't mind, in fact I welcome that you want to be involved in her life but...disregarding my wishes and requests...that doesn't sit well with me and it'll be picked up on by Sarah in years to come...like "Mum, why are Nanna and Grandad ignoring what you're asking them?"....She's a very perceptive girl or haven't you noticed that?"

[quote nattichix]@SpidersAreShitheads I don't think it would be an issue at all if I turned up there.

But I think when they drop her off later, we will have an argument. I'll try not to. But they don't like boundaries and every time I set them, they act like I'm a massive bitch.[/quote]
That’s them, not you. You’re perfectly within your rights to set boundaries and to choose when YOUR child spends time at their house, or spends time with you! It’s outrageous that they overruled your request – and you don’t have to say please and play nice. She’s YOUR kid. You want her at home then she comes home. That’s not bitchy.

I’m sorry this is more complicated than the initial thread seemed to be! It’s not strange at all that you want to spend more time with your daughter – forget all the learning stuff, you only have weekends and after nursery with her. That’s your time. It’s nice that they want to spend time with her too, but you’re the priority.

I’ve just seen your update too about pregnancy, and how you need adult support to be able to have time with her – your DH really needs to step in here too and back you up on the boundaries now.

Well I'm fuming right now. They asked to get her from nursey and take her to their house. I said nicely, can they bring her here instead and we all spend time together.

Just got a call saying they're back at their house and want to keep her there a few hours.

Okay, that's really not right. You agreed something and they went against it. So despite what I said earlier, you're well within your rights to be annoyed.

I'd suggest that with your DH's involvement too, you talk to them about the fact that you only have your DD at home 2 days a week, and if they take her to theirs for one of those days, then you're really not getting enough parent and child time. And if they start taking her in the evening too, it's just too much.

My DD and I don't have a formal arrangement, but I try to ensure that apart from the days that I do the occasional childcare for her (when she and her DH have conflicting shifts and I have DGD at mine) I go to her as often as she comes to me. In our case it's more that I don't want DD to have to do all the travelling (though I'll admit I do like having DGD here more than at her own house). It's just fairer to share.

Oh dear OP 😀. Few years down the line, you read this and feel silly! PFB? Been there done that. My advice? Relax! Children learn in so many ways. Let her enjoy her time with the wider family. You can teach her your songs etc. when she is with you.

@SPRINGAIR read the full thread…

What on earth? My kids went to nursery 3 days a week and did learning there. I hardly ever did learning with them, I did fun stuff.

Having said that, your MILs are taking your DD away at the time you could be doing fun stuff with her. Surely when she’s been at nursery all week you want to see her, to spend quality time together. That’s more of an issue than trying to create some baby Einstein.

@Lalliella

What on earth? My kids went to nursery 3 days a week and did learning there. I hardly ever did learning with them, I did fun stuff.

Having said that, your MILs are taking your DD away at the time you could be doing fun stuff with her. Surely when she’s been at nursery all week you want to see her, to spend quality time together. That’s more of an issue than trying to create some baby Einstein.

I'm really relieved to read it to be honest. I

@nattichix

Thanks everyone. Have made me feel a lot better. I just felt like I was seriously slacking as a parent by not trying harder to teach her stuff.

I haven't read the whole thread, so this might already have been highlighted - but this is a good document with ideas of how to help development etc. :)

www.foundationyears.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/What-to-Expect-When-2018.pdf

Sorry OP. I posted a snidey response early on in the thread, but having read your later posts, I take it back.

I remember that feeling of comparing DS with other children, and getting needlessly stressed about it. It was a long time ago now, but I remember stressing about:

Him not being able to play independently.
Too fussy.
Potty training (he didn't get it till he was 3 and a bit)
Anger issues
...And about a million other things, no doubt. All resolved now.

I hope you get the issues with the ILs sorted. As pp have said, disregarding your wishes like that isn't on and you have every right to be pissed off.

And now she's there. I made it clear I was annoyed about it. They tried to change the subject, but I said I did ask you and I wanted to spend time together.

They'll bring her in a couple of hours.

This is the dynamic you need to change.

You don’t ask them to bring your daughter home. They ask you if they can take her. You are her mother.

Stop asking them. When you’re setting a boundary you tell them. Not rudely or harshly. Just calmly and factually. She’s your child.

How did it go when they brought her back op?

@JesusInTheCabbageVan

Sorry OP. I posted a snidey response early on in the thread, but having read your later posts, I take it back.

I remember that feeling of comparing DS with other children, and getting needlessly stressed about it. It was a long time ago now, but I remember stressing about:

Him not being able to play independently.
Too fussy.
Potty training (he didn't get it till he was 3 and a bit)
Anger issues
...And about a million other things, no doubt. All resolved now.

I hope you get the issues with the ILs sorted. As pp have said, disregarding your wishes like that isn't on and you have every right to be pissed off.

I understand how it comes across. Like I'm a super competitive, no fun, control freak.

But it's not really like that so much.

I go through phases of not worrying about it and just enjoying her and then something will trigger it again and I'll start worrying about it again and feeling bad, like I haven't done enough and slacked off.

I now need to take into account that we will be seeing other children and parents more and they'll have different ways, but I need to stay strong and not let it bother me as much that I freak out this much.

We all want the best for them and we want to do as much as we can to help them have an easier time in life . It is so easy to feel like a bad parent ! For me anyway. To think - did I explain this enough to her ? Do I need to read more with her ? Should I sing more ? Should I read more books ? Do I need to buy different books ? Is she bored ? Is it me ? Is that other mum doing all this amazing stuff at home and that's why the child can do XYZ? The blame falls immediately on myself. Which I'm sure is the case for a lot of parents.

Just need to learn to deal with it a bit better. I have my ups and downs.

@Staryflight445

How did it go when they brought her back op?

Honestly we all just pretended like nothing had happened. I said my bit on the phone and made it clear that I wasn't happy. So I just was happy to see DD and we all played with her.

I am glad, because I really wasn't up for a fight. Had my mother in law mentioned it and tried to defend her actions to back herself up, it would have blown up. She didn't mention it, which was the right thing to do. At least she didn't belittle my feelings about it.

Like I said, I'm so pregnant, getting upset isn't good for me or the baby right now. Baby might just fall out if I get stressed out !