To want MIL not to always take DD to her house ?

[nattichix]

Let me start by saying, I DO NOT rely on my MIL or in laws for child care. My DD is two and a few months and goes to full time nursey.

When my in laws want to spend time with her, THEY contact me to ask if they can pick her up from nursey or pick her up from my house at the weekend etc.

They rarely come to visit her here, they're always keen to just take her away to her house to ' give me a break '. So they say. I suspect they just like to be alone with her in their own home.

Generally it's OK for me. But sometimes I would rather they just spent time with her here in my home, whilst I'm also here. My DD is getting to the age now where she's really starting to learn a lot and I really want her time to be used well. I want her to have fun, but I do want everyone to do their part to teach her songs and not just spend time speaking to her in a baby voice and giving her kisses. It's super cute and we do it a lot, but if she's going to spend a lot of time at their house, I would like for them to do some educational stuff with her, which I think they don't really do. They also let her get away with murder and never tell her not to do stuff. Sometimes they want to see her once to twice a week, so she can spend a bit of time there. It's variable though, sometimes they don't have her there for a couple of weeks. It depends on their schedule.

There may be a period coming up where they'll ask to have her round more and I'm concerned how it will impractical her.

In that case, if I am also there sometimes, I can suggest activities or encourage everyone to try teaching her certain things I'm working on - like body parts or colours etc. whatever it might be I'm trying to teach her.

I just don't like that they always want to snatch her away and are unwilling to spend time with her here.

Like I say, sometimes is fine, but it shouldn't be the expectation every time they want to spend time with her.

What does everyone else do when their children see grandparents ? Is it always on the grandparents terms at their house, without you there ? Or do you all spend time together ?

Leave out the please if you have to. Have you spoken about this with your DH? He should be backing you up to his parents. You’re the parent, people shouldn’t overrule what you have said!

That is not OK, OP. I'd be absolutely fuming. I'd also be going round there right now because actually, they've ignored your instructions regarding YOUR daughter.

I'm a bit hot-headed though so maybe don't listen to me haha! But I would be having very clear words with them and next time they ask, I'd tell them to bring DD back to your house so you can all spend time together. If they took her back to their house again, I'd revoke all their rights to collect her from nursery and would inform nursery not to release DD to her grandparents any more.

What did they say on the phone when you asked them to bring DD to your house so you could spend some time all together - did they agree?

Oh my!! If I were you I would leave them to it! At least they want to have regular time with your babe!

“But because she's away from me a lot and I want to spend time with her too. I actually really enjoy spending time with her AND her grandparents. We all just have a laugh with her together and entertain her. “

This is the important bit for you. You want to spend more time with your daughter and that is absolutely your decision. After today it’s time to start saying that clearly and firmly.

You lost me at the learning bit.
But taking her to their house all the time and never seeing at yours with you is very odd.
🚩 vibes.
Hardly teaching her healthy family relationships is it?

YANBU to want to spend more time with your DD while they visit. If she's in full time nursery I can only imagine you cherish the weekends with her.

But YABU about the educational stuff. That's what nursery should be doing. Let them have their own relationship with her. She's only 2, chatting and playing is enough.

I think you need to take a deep breath and a step away. Relax. Maybe have a think about what's REALLY going on. Are you suspicious of them? Jealous? Do you worry they'll be closer with her than your parents? Are you worried your DD is behind? There must be an underlying reason why you feel the way you do, as its quite a bizarre reason in itself.

Yes that really is completely out of order, they would be getting a sharp talking to from me. And if they refuse to listen I, too, would tell nursery that they’re no longer to pick her up. Oh that would make me properly angry!

@SpidersAreShitheads

That is not OK, OP. I'd be absolutely fuming. I'd also be going round there right now because actually, they've ignored your instructions regarding YOUR daughter.

I'm a bit hot-headed though so maybe don't listen to me haha! But I would be having very clear words with them and next time they ask, I'd tell them to bring DD back to your house so you can all spend time together. If they took her back to their house again, I'd revoke all their rights to collect her from nursery and would inform nursery not to release DD to her grandparents any more.

What did they say on the phone when you asked them to bring DD to your house so you could spend some time all together - did they agree?

They said they'd prefer to take them to their house, but OK.

I said I understand they like her at their house but this one time let's all spend a bit of time together. They agreed.

And now she's there. I made it clear I was annoyed about it. They tried to change the subject, but I said I did ask you and I wanted to spend time together.

They'll bring her in a couple of hours.

So I've just read your updates; you worry she's behind. I can see now why you're worried. My son has speech delay and I assure you, it's nothing I've done or not done. I speak loads to him as do others. It's not the lockdowns or me isolating him etc. It's just the way it is.

Some kids will develop quicker than others in some aspects. In others I bet your DD is advanced. But even if not, that's ok too. It's not the parents fault and as soon as we learn to appreciate that, the sooner us parents of children with delays can start to get rid of the shame and just accept that our kids are as they are.

Your DD spends most of her life at nursery. If anyone should be in a position to help her, it's them. Talk to them, get a plan together.

@DontLookBackInAnger1

YANBU to want to spend more time with your DD while they visit. If she's in full time nursery I can only imagine you cherish the weekends with her.

But YABU about the educational stuff. That's what nursery should be doing. Let them have their own relationship with her. She's only 2, chatting and playing is enough.

I think you need to take a deep breath and a step away. Relax. Maybe have a think about what's REALLY going on. Are you suspicious of them? Jealous? Do you worry they'll be closer with her than your parents? Are you worried your DD is behind? There must be an underlying reason why you feel the way you do, as its quite a bizarre reason in itself.

I just feel a bit cast aside if they only ever want to see her when I'm not present. I want DD to have relationships and bonds with others of course. But can't mummy be there too sometimes ?

Like I've said, they can see her 8 out of 10 times alone, I don't mind. But allow my presence and don't just snatch her off to your house every single time. Especially when I've actually asked you not to do it.

‘Well I'm fuming right now. They asked to get her from nursey and take her to their house. I said nicely, can they bring her here instead and we all spend time together.

Just got a call saying they're back at their house and want to keep her there a few hours.’

I’m sorry op but there’s something that really doesn’t sit right with that for me. Why do they want her alone to the point they’ve ignored your request?
Go and get her, and tell nursery to stop allowing them to collect her until you get to the bottom of why they so desperately want her in their home alone.

Please don’t take this lightly at all, they can seem the best people in the world but still be capable of abuse.
Please ensure this isn’t the case.

I focused more on the performance worries/potential nice bits of visiting grandparents in your previous posts but looking back it looks like I glossed over the fact that they don’t listen to you or maybe I thought you hadn’t said anything to them yet. That’s what I get for doing too many things at once!

This really isn’t acceptable. You shouldn’t have to be waiting around for hours until they deign to bring you your child back! Why do they think they get to lie to your face (agreeing) and then do exactly the opposite??

At least they know you're not happy about it. I would reinforce that when they return DD later.

And next time they ring to ask, I would tell them the same thing "yes, but let's do it at my house today so we can ALL spend some time together". And then see what happens.

Ultimately you're the parent, not them, and you decide where DD goes after nursery - not them.

I was originally going to comment re the learning stuff, but I read through all your comments and I feel for you. Just relax about it all and enjoy your DD - I promise you that you're doing fine. As is she. Don't put pressure on yourself otherwise you're going to find her school years will be a constant misery, and you'll pass your anxieties onto her.

But do stand up for yourself about where DD goes - it's not unreasonable for you to want to see your child after they've been at nursery all day!

@Staryflight445

‘Well I'm fuming right now. They asked to get her from nursey and take her to their house. I said nicely, can they bring her here instead and we all spend time together.

Just got a call saying they're back at their house and want to keep her there a few hours.’

I’m sorry op but there’s something that really doesn’t sit right with that for me. Why do they want her alone to the point they’ve ignored your request?
Go and get her, and tell nursery to stop allowing them to collect her until you get to the bottom of why they so desperately want her in their home alone.

Please don’t take this lightly at all, they can seem the best people in the world but still be capable of abuse.
Please ensure this isn’t the case.

^this is a good point.

What would happen if you turned up at their house unexpectedly right now OP?

From what I've read on this thread I'd imagine that they don't feel very relaxed at your house and that's why they prefer being at theirs.

@Staryflight445

‘Well I'm fuming right now. They asked to get her from nursey and take her to their house. I said nicely, can they bring her here instead and we all spend time together.

Just got a call saying they're back at their house and want to keep her there a few hours.’

I’m sorry op but there’s something that really doesn’t sit right with that for me. Why do they want her alone to the point they’ve ignored your request?
Go and get her, and tell nursery to stop allowing them to collect her until you get to the bottom of why they so desperately want her in their home alone.

Please don’t take this lightly at all, they can seem the best people in the world but still be capable of abuse.
Please ensure this isn’t the case.

Thank you for flagging that.

I really don't think that's an issue.

It's probably more that in laws relationship with me is a bit strained. That's all. Boundaries are difficult for them.

They don't like being set any, as today shows. But I don't think it's an abuse thing.

OH my god, I loved visiting my grandparents, they spoiled me, adored me, let me wander round and certainly never tried to "'educate". You sound insufferable.

@SpidersAreShitheads I don't think it would be an issue at all if I turned up there.

But I think when they drop her off later, we will have an argument. I'll try not to. But they don't like boundaries and every time I set them, they act like I'm a massive bitch.

She’s 2, dear god, let her have fun with granny. M6 main activity at granny’s was emptying her jewellery on the bed to try it all on. I don’t remember her ever teaching mr songs etc. Little ones don’t need constant education, nor comparing to others. They’re individuals, not robots, they all learn at different paces.

Omg OP - are you going to allow them to go against your wishes? They've basically abducted her. If parents say no, then grandparents should listen.

I agree with PP, I would go round and collect her now. Explain that you wanted her back at home for a specific reason and would appreciate that they listen and not just so what they want.

And I would now NOT allow them to take her to theirs. No nursery pick ups. No weekend collections. If they want to see her, it's at your house for now until they can be trusted.

Your original post is completely different to the current situation. They're actively going against your wishes and for me this would raise red flags and be an absolute no-no.

As someone else asked, what does your partner make of all this,?

Don’t try not to have an argument! Have one! Just don’t say anything you’ll regret. But be very clear that this was unacceptable and if you can’t trust their word you’re hardly going to trust them with your child!

Does their son back you up in setting boundaries? I hope so. If not he needs to step up.

@Nnique

Don’t try not to have an argument! Have one! Just don’t say anything you’ll regret. But be very clear that this was unacceptable and if you can’t trust their word you’re hardly going to trust them with your child!

Does their son back you up in setting boundaries? I hope so. If not he needs to step up.

It's getting better with backing on the boundaries for sure. But then he gets an earful himself too. I didn't mention I'm also pregnant and sensitive at the moment and physically find it difficult to move around.

Which is why, the most quality time I get with my DD at the moment is when other people are also around us. When I'm by myself with her it's super tough right now. That was another reason I thought we could all spend some quality time together. Ah well.

Well I'm fuming right now. They asked to get her from nursey and take her to their house. I said nicely, can they bring her here instead and we all spend time together.

Just got a call saying they're back at their house and want to keep her there a few hours.

I don't think it's fair really, seeing as I asked nicely and was so looking forward to seeing her and them

Oh dear, just read this! I hope you went mad and said you wanted her home or went to collect her immediately. You are in charge of her, not them and that would have pissed me RIGHT off. They’ve deliberately gone against what you said, that is totally unacceptable. Do you need them to do childcare? If not, I’d be refusing their requests from now on and tell nursery they can’t pick her up any longer. That is bang out of order. If you didn’t go nuts at them, you really need to tell them that doesn’t happen again and ask why the6 didn’t bring her home as per your request. That is odd. If I was told you’d rather she went home, I’d bloody well make my way there post haste.

@Cherrysoup

Well I'm fuming right now. They asked to get her from nursey and take her to their house. I said nicely, can they bring her here instead and we all spend time together.

Just got a call saying they're back at their house and want to keep her there a few hours.

I don't think it's fair really, seeing as I asked nicely and was so looking forward to seeing her and them

Oh dear, just read this! I hope you went mad and said you wanted her home or went to collect her immediately. You are in charge of her, not them and that would have pissed me RIGHT off. They’ve deliberately gone against what you said, that is totally unacceptable. Do you need them to do childcare? If not, I’d be refusing their requests from now on and tell nursery they can’t pick her up any longer. That is bang out of order. If you didn’t go nuts at them, you really need to tell them that doesn’t happen again and ask why the6 didn’t bring her home as per your request. That is odd. If I was told you’d rather she went home, I’d bloody well make my way there post haste.

I pay money for the privilege of never having to ask them for help haha. So any time they see her is when it suits them and because they want to.

Yeah today was pretty annoying. But I know it's going to get turned on me, as usual. Ah for being a daughter in law hey !

Ok so keep it civil (because an argument will be counter-productive if they try to say it’s you being unreasonable) but be very clear that you are angry with them and it’s absolutely unacceptable for them to do that. If you tell them your child needs to come home then they are to bring your child home. Otherwise they will not be picking up your child (if that’s actually a feasible consequence).

Sadly your OH half is going to have to do his bit too here - he needs to back up what you’ve said, tell them that he agrees and he’s just going to have to put up with the earful!