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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MiL gave baby first ice cream

703 replies

maloney123 · 06/04/2022 23:48

Please let me preface this post by acknowledging that my in laws look after our baby once a week and I’m hugely grateful to them for this. They were desperate to be grandparents (this is their first grandchild) so the arrangement suits us both as they get time with the baby and I get time to catch up on laundry, cleaning etc (I am still on mat leave).

Today my MIL gave our baby her first taste of ice cream (DD is 9 months). I’m not so bothered about the sweet aspect (although we’re not giving her sweets, juice etc as yet) but I feel upset that we didn’t get to give her her first ice cream. I feel like this is a cute milestone moment for a baby and instead of being there I had my MIL describing to me how my daughter reacted to the taste. Previously she has also tried BLW my baby one day after we started weaning her which I was livid about, so we’ve already spoken to her and asked her not to give her new foods without checking in first.

I don’t mind MIL giving “normal” foods but I do feel like something like baby’s first ice cream is a bit special and I feel annoyed and upset that she took this moment away unnecessarily. I don’t think I’m going to say anything about it as I don’t want to appear ungrateful so I guess I’m just venting, feel free to tell me YABU!!

OP posts:
MaryShelley1818 · 09/04/2022 19:58

I've seen this on at least 4-5 news pages now over the past couple of days. Journalists are having a field day with this one!
Honestly OP you will look back and cringe with this. You sound absolutely ridiculous.

Spain1980 · 09/04/2022 19:59

I completely understand why it upset you. I look after my granddaughter once a week too. I follow my DIL’s routines etc - for baby’s benefit - but now and again go off piste. However I keep those little things to myself - like a little taste of icecream - so I don’t upset her. But you do need to be prepared to let your MIL share in these special moments and if you trust her to have your child also trust her to have good judgement. If she’s like me she loves your baby more than life and is just enjoying special moments. Enjoy and share is my advice x

Tothepoint99 · 09/04/2022 20:07

@MissMaple82

Whoever thought ice cream would be a special milestone Hmm
I know right! Pretty sure that's not on the milestone cards....
TBDevon · 09/04/2022 20:08

YABU. If you feel the need to be in control, pay for impersonal childcare that will obey your whims. However, if you want her to be cared for by loving family members with MUCH more childcare experience than you, then you're going to have to stop being selfish and get used to sharing special moments.
(BTW, not a Grandparent, just a parent who can share).

Mumontour85 · 09/04/2022 20:10

Realistically, you will not be there for every first. Especially if you're still on maternity leave and you already have someone else watching bubba once a week.
Do the firsts you want, shake the rest off.

I really wanted to take my son lambing for the first time as I loved it so much when I was little, as in when stilm pregnsnt i was talking about it. My boy is now 2.5 and perfect age... however I am pregnant again and therefore not allowed to go (😭), part of me was devastated when my mum said she would take the kiddo, but i don't want him to have to wait another year just so I can be there. I may miss the first, but I will be there for all the others! Sometimes you gotta pick your battles and manage your feelings.

Kite22 · 09/04/2022 20:10

I don't expect we will see OP back on this thread, but hopefully the "Of course YABU" message will get through.

Seriously though OP, don't put feel free to tell me YABU!! in your opening post, and then get all huffy at the start of the 2nd page, when people have just done exactly that.

Sofiegiraffe · 09/04/2022 20:11

@Tiredoftalking

PFB is - I think - Precious First Born. Because obviously subsequent children are less precious 🤦‍♀️

PFB always makes me laugh because I am WAY more "PFB" with my second baby than I ever was with my first. PSB? 😂

Mumof32017 · 09/04/2022 20:14

She’s 9 months old fgs, it’s an ice cream. You were livid because she was blw her? If that’s all you’ve got to worry about then I think you’re fine. Yes, in this instance, YOU are being unreasonable.

Melissa0402 · 09/04/2022 20:20

F what others think about this situation if you feel upset then let yourself feel like that I would also. It’s your feelings at the end of the day nobody can change that. Even you said you’re not going to say anything so why people are saying you’re going to ruin a relationship I don’t know. If I was giving my baby to someone I would state what she is allowed and what she’s not allowed so this doesn’t happen again. I’m sorry mumma just remember there will be other firsts!!! Xxxxx

linsey2581 · 09/04/2022 20:22

I think your being a hit precious it’s just an ice cream! Also weaning journey, When did that become a thing? My sons ‘journey’ was nearly finished at 9 months (he started on solids at 12 weeks old). He’s now a strapping 6ft 3 19 year old that looks like a stick insect 😂 . Honestly weaning journey that made me laugh

winterchills · 09/04/2022 20:22

Wtf 😅😅😅 ice cream a special moment? Honestly i bet ur in laws think your are absolutely nuts

DarthTater3 · 09/04/2022 20:26

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all, your feelings are you feelings and you’re allowed them! I felt the same about my baby’s first ice cream…and many other firsts. You’ve said you’re not going to say anything and I agree that’s the reasonable thing to do. You’ve vented anonymously to get it out your system, again sensible. Bottling up would do you no good, but probs nor would upsetting your mil. Unless she has form I would assume she didn’t know or mean to upset you and I think when someone else looks after your child it’s going to happen - mine started nursery and I had to accept thst some of his firsts would be there. So I’d probs feel the same as you but do nothing about it and choose my battles - some things worth making a fuss over, some things aren’t…but you already knew that. I hope venting has made you feel better (and ignore some of the more over zealous posts, I think the anonymity on mimsnet goes to some people’s heads)!

Nan49 · 09/04/2022 20:26

Yes, I have to agree with most people on this: YABU. A nuance, though, this is your MIL, and the relationship, even if good, can never be the same as with your own mother. I speak as a gran who was privileged to look after my daughter's 2 very frequently during their baby and toddler years, (I was fortunate to be retired at 60.) We can be very frank - usually - with each other, which is more difficult with in-law relationships. She did let me know when she wasn't happy about something I did but also expressed appreciation, as I'm sure you do too. What I noticed with baby no 2 was that she was far more relaxed about things , so maybe your sensitivity about some issues can be attributed to this being your first child. We all imagine that perfection is attainable, especially with the first! Enjoy your mat leave while you can and God bless you.

icecreamcart · 09/04/2022 20:27

You are not being unreasonable. It's normal to feel you want to be the first.

Ashleybear7 · 09/04/2022 20:30

I actually get why you’re upset. I would have YABU had it not been for the fact that you said this isn’t her first time overstepping. She already had a chance to try new things with her son. You haven’t. She should let you know before she does any firsts when it comes to food to make sure y’all are on the same page

CauliflowerBalti · 09/04/2022 20:34

I get it, OP. My childminder gave my son his first chocolate and his first McDonald’s and I was peeved. Not to any great degree. I didn’t mention it and it wasn’t something I lost sleep over, but I was a bit ‘ffs’. If I think about it, it’s because we are the ones that have to make sure their diet is healthy and balanced, the big bad wolves that don’t let them eat pudding for all meals… and so that surely earns us the right to be the ones that give them the special treats too. Else we’re just the biscuit police and veg enforcers.

Anotherlonesomemum · 09/04/2022 20:35

I don’t know what BLW means but this sounds like she is trying to mother your child as if they were her own. It’s a shame but sometimes MIL’s need to be put in their place. It’s NOT their child. They can’t take these special moments away from you. Although it is just an ice cream, it’s more than for (for me). It’s getting to see your baby reacting to something new in this world. Just my opinion !

Mandyjack · 09/04/2022 20:36

As you said its her 1st grandchild so she probably enjoyed being able to give her some ice cream. She's also bound to have missed some 1sts herself. So sorry I think YABU. She's doing you a big favour having her weekly.

Foquita · 09/04/2022 20:41

First world problem. YABVU

Restlessarms · 09/04/2022 20:48

First suck on a lemon wedge is a way better milestone than ice-cream in my opinion. Get the camera ready! Lol

Thewarrenerswife · 09/04/2022 20:56

You’re being weird. It’s just ice cream.

Kanaloa · 09/04/2022 21:00

@EisforElephants

FWIW I don't think you're being unreasonable. If you've set boundaries and they aren't respecting them then you have the right to feel however you feel and raise it with them. But... I don't think it's worth falling out over so I'd probably say something like "I loved hearing all about DD's first taste of ice cream but it is something I would have liked to have been there for and I am trying to avoid too many sugary treats so would you mind checking in with me before you give her treat/new foods next time, I'd really appreciate that."
She is on maternity leave and they watch her child for free one whole day every week. Reliably and well by the sounds of it.

That passive aggressively polite little message sounds like how a manager speaks to an employee - it’s not how you speak to someone doing you a favour.

If you don’t trust them to feed your child appropriately then you clearly don’t trust them to care for your child once a week while you have a day to yourself.

Kanaloa · 09/04/2022 21:06

@Anotherlonesomemum

I don’t know what BLW means but this sounds like she is trying to mother your child as if they were her own. It’s a shame but sometimes MIL’s need to be put in their place. It’s NOT their child. They can’t take these special moments away from you. Although it is just an ice cream, it’s more than for (for me). It’s getting to see your baby reacting to something new in this world. Just my opinion !
How stupid you sound. OP doesn’t seem to mind mil’s behaviour as long as it’s providing her free childcare.

If you don’t want someone ‘taking special moments away’ ie giving your child a dessert then you can’t use them for free childcare. ‘Putting them in their place’ is all very well but their place isn’t unpaid childcare provider who should be bowing and scraping in servile gratefulness that you allow them to watch your child once a week.

Mamofoneboy · 09/04/2022 21:06

Can babies under 1 have ice cream? I thought they weren’t meant to have cows milk until they’re 1? Is the cows milk thing just because it hasn’t got everything they need?

Tinacollada · 09/04/2022 21:07

Who gives a mister wippy.

I hope the baby got a flake

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