MiL gave baby first ice cream

[maloney123]

Please let me preface this post by acknowledging that my in laws look after our baby once a week and I’m hugely grateful to them for this. They were desperate to be grandparents (this is their first grandchild) so the arrangement suits us both as they get time with the baby and I get time to catch up on laundry, cleaning etc (I am still on mat leave).

Today my MIL gave our baby her first taste of ice cream (DD is 9 months). I’m not so bothered about the sweet aspect (although we’re not giving her sweets, juice etc as yet) but I feel upset that we didn’t get to give her her first ice cream. I feel like this is a cute milestone moment for a baby and instead of being there I had my MIL describing to me how my daughter reacted to the taste. Previously she has also tried BLW my baby one day after we started weaning her which I was livid about, so we’ve already spoken to her and asked her not to give her new foods without checking in first.

I don’t mind MIL giving “normal” foods but I do feel like something like baby’s first ice cream is a bit special and I feel annoyed and upset that she took this moment away unnecessarily. I don’t think I’m going to say anything about it as I don’t want to appear ungrateful so I guess I’m just venting, feel free to tell me YABU!!

@Howareyouflower

The only milestones I thought important when I was child minding were things like crawling, standing alone, or walking. The children never (ahem!) achieved any milestone in my house first unless the parent was there to witness it. I think you're being very unreasonable and over the top.

But the key thing you say is I thought important.. which means that eating first non fruit/veg is something OP thinks important.. but.. she should have made that very clear to people looking after baby before. I guess a lot of people wouldn't consider baby first opening their eyes to look at you, coming out of an incubator, and blood oxygen monitors coming off as 'milestones' either but I made a big deal of it at the time.

Do you really think OP will forget this experience, when it obviously touched something in her mind? I find it very bizzare to tell someone they will forget something that is now important to them.

Oh, she probably will remember it. When she is cringing about how absurdly precious she is being. Or maybe because the thread ended up in the paper and the MIL saw it, thus putting an end to this cosy childcare arrangement!

My MIL gave my PFB a tiny taste of chocolate off the end of her finger when he was 5mo before we even started our weaning journey weaning. I. WAS. RAGING. For about 15 minutes. And I like my MIL. (Not about the "first", but about baby's first food being chocolate and not healthsome broccoli or something, and what about his delicate gut?!?) I got the fuck over it, and I look back and cringe mightily, and I would have expected someone to tell me I was being a PFB twat if I'd started a thread about it at the time.

@maloney123

For those who’ve given polite and reasonable responses, thank you so much! As I said initially I’m not going to raise it so no need for anyone to be concerned in that front! For the rest of you I hope you are nicer in person than you are on here x

OP, I think most people who are being so hard on you are actually very hurt themselves, likely without consiously knowing it. They might have had to push their own feelings away and go to work and have people look after their own children. Or they themselves were looked after strangers not their own mothers.

There will be people withdifferent views on food and ice cream but it wouldnt turn into such a nasty thread if they were just sharing their views.

OP, I think most people who are being so hard on you are actually very hurt themselves, likely without consiously knowing it. They might have had to push their own feelings away and go to work and have people look after their own children. Or they themselves were looked after strangers not their own mothers.

Quite a reach! I'd suspect most people just have a more balanced view.

@YesIKnowIABUbutIamreallytired

Haven't read all the replies. I know the feeling and I kind of get it. My mother gave my pfb their first hair cut without asking. I was really upset. But. The grandchild/grandparent relationship is such a special one, and I think it's important that they get to be part of the milestones too. Especially if they are helping in a practical way. You will have so many precious moments with your baby, but how lovely for your baby that she will have them with her granny too. Be a little bit sad for a day or so if you have to, but then you need to build a bridge and get over it! And definitely don't bitch about it in real life.

First haircut....I'd have gone nuclear! First ice cream...meh!

I can't even remember my children having their first ice cream . Honestly, you won't really care a year from now.

@EliyanahM

You know, even if your opinion is that OP is BU, she is still allowed to feel sad about something she missed with her child. Her feelings are real, you can't tell her not to feel. it's not like she's told the MIL off about it. She just feels bummed. Totally reasonable for a mother to feel bummed about missing something with her kid. So many gaslighting, get a grip! A cold, thoughtless remark. I hope you are gentler on your children when they come to you admitting how they feel about something.

Yes, exactly. I wish people were smarter in their reactions to other people's feelings.

Every moment is special when it's your baby. It's not the ice cream. It's the irritation at not being there and possibly the dread of returning to work? Maybe even MIL undermining you?

I had a similar situation with DD where she was at my mum's and my sister came round with her children. DN had been to the shops and had one of those big bubble wands. DD LOVED it and I got sent videos of her hysterically laughing and it occurred to me she had never seen bubbles before.

I was due back at work in about seven weeks, was sick with worry and fear about it, didn't want to go back and just got consumed with rage and sadness that I'd 'missed this' and that they'd shown her bubbles first (how ridiculous it sounds now!) I had a huge snotty cry over leaving her (which was what it was really about) and realised that there is going to be so much I miss regardless of where I am and she is and who does what. It's just life.

Finish your washing, pick up DD, the weather is supposed to dry here this after and why don't you take her out in the pram, take her to the park for twenty minutes and then stop at the shop for a cornetto or something on the way home and sit together and have an ice cream in the high chair. It's not her first, no, but it's her first with you.

Chin up and don't beat yourself up, we've all been there - especially with our firsts.

@Patchbatch

OP, I think most people who are being so hard on you are actually very hurt themselves, likely without consiously knowing it. They might have had to push their own feelings away and go to work and have people look after their own children. Or they themselves were looked after strangers not their own mothers.

Quite a reach! I'd suspect most people just have a more balanced view.

You may consider it a reach but its a mechanism that occures with traumatised people.

I think some of the replies on this thread are very unfair to the OP.

Some mothers work (for a variety of reasons) meaning that we miss out on a number of "firsts". It can be very distressing to miss these. Most firsts, like the first time baby smiles, crawls, stands or walks happen at the baby's pace and it's pure chance whether or not you're there to see it. It simply can't be helped.

Other firsts happen following a decision by a parent or carer, such as first bus or train trip, first trampoline or soft play trip, first nativity play, or first taste of ice cream. Working full time, I missed lots of firsts, but remember both my children trying ice cream for the first time.

The OP is entitled to be upset about missing a first anything.

IMO it's part of a bigger struggle or disappointment that many of us face as working parents. Of course there are many benefits of being a working parent too, but I think those of you teasing the OP about her feelings are really missing the bigger picture.

You may consider it a reach but its a mechanism that occures with traumatised people.

Now now let's not go banding words like traumatised around. I suppose it depends on perspective, I find it a lot weirder to be bothered about an ice cream when you have chosen to have someone look after your child a day a week than someone who finds it ridiculous.

@whenwillthemadnessend

Also once they are teenagers all the health crap goes out of the window so if I ever had another baby I couldn't get worked up about it.

When they are very small and growing so fast the impact of food on their life long health it much bigger than later in life.

I don't think YABU, we all have our parenting quirks but MIL wasn't BU either for not realising you would mind as it is an idiosyncratic thing to be upset about. Your daughter has probably forgotten about it already and honestly you will too in a few years (if not months). I am assuming this is your first baby? I'm lol about "weaning journey", bless you, DD moving to solids is obviously a big deal for you, perhaps just tell your MIL this and she might be more mindful of your feelings in the future.

@Chasingaftermidnight

Some of these posts are a bit unpleasant. I do think OP is BU but equally I think every parent is guilty of an utterly irrational PFB moment or two. I remember crying when nursery told me my son had walked up to some shoes and said ‘shoes’ for the first time. It wasn’t his first word. He was in nursery so I obviously wasn’t going to be there for every single new word he said. I still don’t know wtf my problem was.

the thing is the world isnt completely ratinal. its perfectly human to feel emotional for whichever reason. even animals can be emotional. its the pressure in this society not to feel emotional because it perhaps doesnt feel comfortable for others?

How will you feel if she takes her first steps whilst she's at their house?

Mine took their first steps at nursery whilst I was at work. Never bothered me but I know some people get really hooked up on this stuff...

OP, are you breast feeding? I guess if you are, it will naturally be a more important thing when your baby is moving onto food other than breast milk. As I understand most mothers in the UK dont breastfeed much it wont be such a deal for them when they children move to food from a bottle.

@maloney123 wow you've had a lot of really harsh responses, I'm sorry that a lot of people on here have a severe lack of empathy. I completely understand your reaction, my MIL keeps saying 'I'm going to give you lots of sweets' and it'd getting on my nerves like anything. I'm worried about the sugar content but also I feel like food should be checked with parents. There is a whole lot of issues to deal with weaning such as allergies, food diaries, preferences etc.

My MIL will be looking after my 9 month old for two days a week for a month while I start work and to combat this I am going to prepare her meals and give her a meal plan and a list of approved foods. It may sound OTT but both our families have such unhealthy relationships with food and I don't want it to continue. Plus it takes the guesswork out for them and makes their lives easier so maybe think about something similar? I am doing puree so it's a bit easier to provide food.

@pleasejustgjvemeabreak completely agree, most ridiculous self absorbed post I have read in ages!!

My baby was given ice cream at 6 weeks by their bored siblings when my back was turned. Happy to report he survived.

This poster is so self absorbed it’s nuts! Try lightening up a bit and your baby will develop a much better relationship with their grandparents.

@dottiedodah

I understand you.you wanted to give babe her first taste of ice cream treat. However baby will probably not even remember!.nan looked after me a lot and I remember a squabble with dad when she gave me honeycomb and too many sweets (he was very strict about tooth brushing) I would say to mil how much you value her help and how kind she is.then just say about juice or sweets or whatever. Modern parenting is much more about healthy eating for kids now

‘Probably’ not remember? She’s not yet 1. If she did remember it would be utterly remarkable.

[quote Cutie18327]@maloney123 wow you've had a lot of really harsh responses, I'm sorry that a lot of people on here have a severe lack of empathy. I completely understand your reaction, my MIL keeps saying 'I'm going to give you lots of sweets' and it'd getting on my nerves like anything. I'm worried about the sugar content but also I feel like food should be checked with parents. There is a whole lot of issues to deal with weaning such as allergies, food diaries, preferences etc.

My MIL will be looking after my 9 month old for two days a week for a month while I start work and to combat this I am going to prepare her meals and give her a meal plan and a list of approved foods. It may sound OTT but both our families have such unhealthy relationships with food and I don't want it to continue. Plus it takes the guesswork out for them and makes their lives easier so maybe think about something similar? I am doing puree so it's a bit easier to provide food.[/quote]
Have you considered paying for childcare? It seems like you don’t trust your mil or want her to be in charge of your child, so I’m not sure why you’re happy to then let her but provide lists of ‘approved foods.’

Honestly if you want to control your childcare provider, pay for one.

My DD took her first steps with her caregivers. Instead of being upset I was excited that she was walking. I feel like there are worse things to be upset about. Seems like your ILs are very loving and that’s a plus.

Maybe find something else as a first for your DD like her first cookie or bite of cake.

"IMO it's part of a bigger struggle or disappointment that many of us face as working parents. Of course there are many benefits of being a working parent too, but I think those of you teasing the OP about her feelings are really missing the bigger picture."

OP isn't working at present. Her baby goes to MIL so she can rest for a day. I think it's a lovely, kind arrangement and it's mad to be so upset about something mil probably had no idea was considered special.

You lost me at 'weaning journey'. Come on and give your head a bobble. You have lovely engaged kind inlaws who are doing a fab job and building a fantastic relationship with your dc. Lots of people would give their right arm for this. Stop this controlling everything and think of the bigger picture here.

This post seemed funny at first - I thought it was a Mickey-take, but it actually makes me very angry. How spoilt, entitled and immature. You have a full day off a week to do as you please - not even working or caring for other kids, while your kid's loving grandparents care for your child, and you are getting fussy over ice cream? Seriously? Turn on the news and look at what is going on in Ukraine, and get some perspective about life. I bet those mothers who have been walking for days to find food and medical supplies for their kids would love just a fraction of your cushy life!