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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Christian MIL taking DC to Christian toddler group - I was unaware

507 replies

AtheistMama · 06/04/2022 15:12

Name change for this one.

My MIL does childcare once a week for DS aged 3, for which I am grateful for - they have a great relationship, and obviously it saves us money on nursery fees.

My MIL is a lovely women, not a bad bone in her body. She is also devoutly Christian, belonging to an evangelical church. DH was brought up as an evangelical Christian, but is an atheist and slowly detached himself from their church in his young adulthood. There is no animosity from his mother and the wider family about this (who are mostly also evangelical Christians).

DH and I have been together for 10 years, married for 5, but I have never really talked to MIL about my religious beliefs because she is quite sensitive/easily upset and I didn't want to offend her. The status quo has just been that it is obvious to all that DH and I are not Christian and it's been left at that.

My understanding of DH's families beliefs is that they think everyone who is not baptised is going to Hell; they also do not approve of homosexuality or gay marriage, sex before marriage, etc. I am an atheist and do not subscribe to these beliefs. In particular, the idea that they believe that I am going to Hell bothers me when I think about it. In general, I am anti-organised religion and was never going to bring DS up in any religious way.

MIL takes DS to a toddler's group at her church every week, but I was under the impression that it was open to the whole community and therefore not Christian (I think this came from DH not my MIL). I looked up the group today (was wondering about the timings for a seperate reason), and clocked that they have a Bible story every week.

I'm feeling a bit annoyed because if I had known about the Bible story bit when it was first suggested that she take him (years ago), I would have gently asked her to pick another activity. But now he's been going for a few years, he loves it and it's part of their routine. She would probably be upset by being asked to stop going (and probably it didn't occur to her that I wouldn't be happy about it).

However, I feel really uncomfortable about the Bible story, and annoyed that she didn't say anything at the start. Needless to say, DS has never mentioned it, so it's possible that he's running around the hall and not even listening to it.

DH tends to skirt around issues with his DM that might be upsetting because he thinks she's quite delicate and feels protective about her.

AIBU to bring it up with her now?

OP posts:

WinniesHunny · 06/04/2022 15:14

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picklespark · 06/04/2022 15:15

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a Bible story, but it’s fine to bring it up with her given your beliefs. Knowledge of the Bible is pretty culturally important as a lot of references are made to it in popular culture that you simply won’t “get”. Regardless of your beliefs.

Tanaqui · 06/04/2022 15:16

It probably is open to the whole community- most church toddler groups are. The bible story is just a nod to the fact that it is run by the church- and stories like Noahs Ark are very useful to know because of their wider cultural connotations. I wouldn't worry- I am sure your dc will just enjoy it as a story.

beattieedny · 06/04/2022 15:18

It's good you have managed so well so far. I am quite insanely religious,lol. Jewish. And I went to a toddler group that was run in the Baptist church by Baptists. But it was my choice, the mother. It may be worth having a open discussion about it. It is a deeply personal issue. Otoh, one Bible story every week is fine. It is a huge part of our cultural history whether one believes or not.

JudgeJ · 06/04/2022 15:18

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StepBackPlease · 06/04/2022 15:18

I wouldn't rock the boat (Ark?) on this one OP, especially as you seem to have a good relation ship with your MIL and she's providing free childcare. Age-appropriate bible stories at toddler groups are usually pretty mild; most church playgroups have a Christian element, even ones who are open to all, so it was likely he'd be exposed to some sort of religious material regardless of whether it was a closed or open group.

If they're telling gory versions of John the Baptist then that's a different matter. Could you go along one week (work permitting) and see what it's like for yourself?

PerfectPrepPrincess · 06/04/2022 15:18

I think you're being unreasonable. Listening to a bible story isn't going to make him a believer, if anything it's just a different way of explaining morals and ethics. It'll all stop when he goes to school anyway so I wouldn't fret unessacarily. It'd be mean to stop something so harmless that he enjoys.

saraclara · 06/04/2022 15:19

I'm not Christian but took my kids to a church toddler group. Bible stories are 'just another story' to toddlers.
Don't sweat it. She's looking after your child for you, and going to a toddler group at a place where she knows people is a perfectly reasonable and pleasant thing for her to do. She's not secretly getting him baptised or anything.

beattieedny · 06/04/2022 15:19

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EvilEdna1 · 06/04/2022 15:19

I took my toddlers to a similar thing for years and I am atheist too. It was a quick bible story, a slightly religious song and a related craft activity. I reckon a tiny minority if attendees were Christian but it was free with free refreshments. The older women who ran it would also offer to look after children of any parents who seemed to need a break. So I think it's completely harmless.

Sidisawetlettuce · 06/04/2022 15:19

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Ponderingwindow · 06/04/2022 15:20

You have been incredibly naive. These community playgroups are always a form of evangelism. The messaging may be relatively simple, but that is part of the point. Religious entities host these community events to get people in the door and start the indoctrination.

WinniesHunny · 06/04/2022 15:21

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Reindeer897 · 06/04/2022 15:21

I think Bible stories are fine for a 3 year old - realistically how much longer will DC be going? You might want yo think through about when you will start laying the ground work for 'we respect that granny has her own beliefs but so do we' (ie this family believes that gay marriage is ok and most other people do)

beattieedny · 06/04/2022 15:21

@EvilEdna1

Tnis is just like the one I went to. The ladies were absolutely lovely and certainly made Christian charity and kindness look good! I did discuss our different faiths with them and they were delightful.

SW1amp · 06/04/2022 15:21

I wouldn’t worry too much at this age. It’s just a story and is no more or less far fetched than the gruffalo

I am as atheist as they come but when ds1 was little, I took him to the ‘play and pray’ session at the local church because it was a quid and was at a time that fitted in around naps
They had lovely clean toys and nice tea, and the vicar reading the story didn’t try and preach

I also find killing with kindness and reasonable-ness is the best approach with my very religious relatives
Evangelicals really go in for the ‘power of the scripture’ stuff so being totally ok with your DC hearing a benign story will probably go a long way towards them thinking you haven’t been taken over by the devil..!
I’ve heard a lot of ‘well what exactly do they have to fear..?’ sort of things from people who genuinely think I’m scared of having a lightening bolt moment when I go to a church because of my evil ways..!

Many honestly seem to think they have the monopoly on good deeds, and anything that shows you can be a decent human without being a decent Christian goes a long way in my book

IncompleteSenten · 06/04/2022 15:21

I wouldn't worry
You can teach your child that different people have different beliefs, talk about your own beliefs and tell them that over time they will make up their own minds.

TrivialSoul · 06/04/2022 15:21

As a former church going Christian who chose to bring up my own children outside of the church I would say let it go. One bible story a week and being in a church setting is not going to indoctrinate your child. Your dc is growing up to see that different things are important to different people. This is important to mil and not to you or dh. Cherish the relationship your DC has with mil but be watchful for religion creeping in just too much.

LizzieSiddal · 06/04/2022 15:22

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it! Your child doesn’t know the difference between a Bible story and a fairy story and I’m sure you let him listen to those kinds of stories.

My MIL used to take my DDs to church, if they stayed over with her in a Saturday night. She never asked my permission, and I really didn’t care. I’ve always told my Dc that God/Jesus etc is something some people believe in, but that I don’t, but people are free to believe what they like and we should all respect that.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 06/04/2022 15:23

Which Bible stories? Gory details of the Crucifixion or murdering the first born sons or Noahs ark, feeding the 5000 etc?

At that age he won't distinguish between Bible stories or goldilocks and the 3 bears

Holly60 · 06/04/2022 15:23

Wow that escalated quickly, with the previous post!

To be honest I probably wouldn’t worry about it too much. They are just stories. He will be hearing stories all the time and won’t differentiate between bible stories and other stories - they are all just little tales to him.

If you really uncomfortable of course tell her. I’m a granny and I look after my DGC but I know that I had my time as a parent and this is now the time I do it the way my children and their partners want it.

Be aware though that he may well hear these stories when he goes to primary school anyway. My DGC get told the nativity and Easter stories etc even though they don’t go to a church school.

There will be so much time to discuss faith and beliefs with him as he gets older. He might end up a Christian, he might not, but if he does, it wont be because of some bible stories he heard when he was three.

Shurl · 06/04/2022 15:23

@Ponderingwindow

Get over yourself.

PlanBea · 06/04/2022 15:24

If DS is 3, he'll be going to school soon (this September? Next September?) For the sake of good relations, and the fact DS enjoys it there I'd leave it. As above, the Bible story will be quite mild and child friendly. It won't be like being in mass

Littlemissprosecco · 06/04/2022 15:24

But your toddler will go to school soon and that will naturally be the end of it, I wouldn’t worry or rock the boat.

Shurl · 06/04/2022 15:24

I wouldn't worry, bible stories are hardly going to make anyone a believer and are more akin to fables at that age.

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