To ask whether you miss your old child free life?

[Gdionysus]

DP and I are in our early 30s, both professionals living together in the city. Currently we’re very happy with our lives, enjoy regular holidays and spontaneous trips away, socialising with friends most weeks and a lot of eating out. As much as I love our lives at the moment, I feel we’re getting to the stage where we need to make a decision as to whether we went to choose the child free life or start to put the foundations in place to have children (marriage, plus I already know I can’t have children naturally, so would have to go down the IVF route which takes time).

Part of us feels as though we don’t want to give up the freedom we have right now, yet also worry we could regret the decision not to have children 10 years down the line, where it may be much harder/almost impossible given the fertility issues I already have.

Would be interested to know, for those who took the plunge and decided to have children, would you do the same if you had the choice again?

If I could go back in time and do it all again, I'd do it in a heartbeat. And my DH left me two weeks before DC2 was born so it did it alone.

The bond I have with both of them is the most amazing feeling ever. They make me laugh and smile every single day.

DC1 will be going to uni in September and the thought of him leaving is genuinely making me sad.

I adore my kids but dear god I miss my old life. Just being able to potter and laze around at weekends, house was always tidy and peaceful, we had spare cash for meals out every weekend and gorgeous holidays. I love my children, and would never go back now, but if I'd had a crystal ball at 28 I don't know if I'd have chosen my life as it is today.

No I loved maternity leave, being a mother gave my life meaning. I miss being pregnant and breast feeding though and feel sad I will never experience that again.

Thanks so much everyone, we have a lot to think about

I love my kids and they have changed my life in many ways. This week however has been hell dealing with covid, juggling childcare and work and I feel close to breaking down with it all. So yes I miss my old life!!

It's so hard to predict how things will go when you choose to have a child. I had it all planned out and not one thing went as I imaginaged. I had a high risk pregnancy, child needed surgery before and after birth, I needed surgery after birth, child had reflux and allergies was extremely fussy, lockdown happened, my mother passed away my child was diagnosed with autism, I had to give up my job. It has been more difficult than I ever imagined but I wouldn't change it my son is amazing. When your child arrives everything just fades into the background and you adapt. A lot will depend on how involved your partner is and whether you have family support.

@Dazedandconfused28

Yes, every day. DS is autistic & Im perpetually exhausted. I can't remember the last time I did something for myself or felt happy. I don't wish he wasn't here, but I don't enjoy my life any more.

That sounds difficult

I love my kiddos. But miss the person I was before I had them. Life has changed so much and quickly - ds (4) was a suprise and then dd (2.5) came along after I went back on the pill.

Life was tough. There was a point I had 2 under 2. And it was on occasion hellish. It’s getting easier every day. But I do sometimes wish for the child free days. For the freedom. For the spontaneity.

I sometimes miss it but only in a way that I miss every part of my life - my teens - my 20s - it's the same as my life before kids. I think you look back nostalgically at every part of your life if your lucky .
I wouldn't change having them for the world I have 3 and had my first at 28 am 35 now . Enjoying this time while they are little but also looking ahead to my future wouldn't be without them for a second .

Same as @edgyneonart I miss spontaneity and time to myself but these little people are the best thing that's happened to me and I couldn't be without them

I would, i have 1 which is manageable, she's nearly 6 and bloody awesome, sweet, cuddly, funny.
We still go out for meals, to the pub etc as she can stay up late without getting grumpy, she loves holidays and will happily go to kids club/come on days out walking/to museums etc
Not decided on having a second as things are getting easier the older she gets.
The only thing i miss is the lie in's

I was 25 with 5 children and then had my 6th a few years later. They are my whole world and i don't miss being child free, although i suppose that may be partly due to the fact i became a Mum at 17 so i went from being a child to having children. I've not lived any of my adult life without being a Mum. I don't think you'll ever really know until it happens unfortunately. Good luck with whatever you decide

I love my kids, age 3.5yr and 15 weeks, and don't regret having them, but yes, I do miss my old life.

Its the spontaneous things, and the never quit being able to relax around the dinner table. And holidays are very different now too

I miss it all the time but my life lacks balance at the moment and I think if I had more time for myself/money to do nice things for myself I’d probably miss it less.

Although I wouldn’t go back, they’re still the best thing in the world to me even if I miss the peace/freedom before they came along.

I miss sleep and I miss being silent in an empty house but I love being a mum. It's a weird dichotomy. I've never known love so fierce but I've never been so knackered and the responsibility is relentless. On balance though I'm happier now and def more content

@OfstedOffred

I had children in my early twenties and in my late thirties/early forties and without a shadow of a doubt its been harder as an old mum.

I wonder if more women are starting to be less positive about children because women are having them later.

I wouldn't think so. People waiting until their late 30s before having children are more likely to have given it more thought, be financially better placed and have already had many years of being able to travel etc and be ready to move to a new life stage.

I have two much wanted children (3&5) and wouldn't trade them for the world. I wouldn't want my life pre-children back for anything. Now that isn't to say it isn't bloody hard some days or that I don't occasionally miss the freedom to do whatever DH and I wanted but I would make the decision to have them every single time.

All. The. Time...

I do miss my old life. I was never that maternal really, and have always been a very anxious, self-absorbed type.
I didn't particularly enjoy being pregnant, and maternity leave was quite miserable as I was up and down with depression.

I adore my 2.5 year old but I'm not sure about any more, and if I could go back I probably would.

It's been a very hard slog at times but it's made me appreciate these DC of mine even more. We have great laughs with the older DC in the family. The little ones are growing up fast too and I enjoy watching the family dynamics constantly shift.

I could not be without them in my life, my life is richer for bringing them all into the world.

@Chonfox
One thing about having children is you absolutely can't tell how you're going to cope with it until it's too late! I know people who I thought would be amazing parents who have really struggled and I've known party mad teenagers with unplanned pregnancies who ended up being fantastic parents who love every minute of it. You really can't know.

This is soooo true. I always thought I would be the maternal type that would love parenting because I loved playing with dolls and I was the patient, loved to play and quiet/homey type and loved all over our dogs. And I never pictured my sister having children, she even said she wouldn't, as she was the rebel, wild, non-maternal, selfish type and didn't give a flip about animals. Oddly, I didn't enjoy parenting at all, it was a drudgery for me most of the time however my sister LOVES it. I"m really amazed at how maternal she is.

So like you said you never know til it happens, but I guess if I'd done more self reflection I would've known that I wasn't very maternal, but I was young and getting pregnant was unplanned so I never did think much about it.

Yes at times I miss certain aspects of being young and free

But at times I kiss being a child too with absolutely no responsibilities

Would I change things no but doesn’t mean I can’t miss them it’s fleeting moments

I had my little boy 2 years ago when I was 37. I never felt ready before. It was the right decision and I'd do it again but we are one and done for sure. Do you have a good support network? Unfortunately we don't live near any family and friends are busy with work, raising their own children and living their own lives (quite rightly too!). It means that since the day my son was born I've never spent any time with just my husband. I miss him hugely.

I don't miss my child free life. I miss my daughter free life. My son is great though, wouldn't be without him!

Just should've stopped at 1!

I never knew life before children as an adult as I was a parent at 16! I have 3 children now, 28, 18 and 14. I wouldn’t change them for the world, though I’m looking forward to some time to focus on just myself in the future. Must say though they have all been pretty good kids, I am extremely lucky that both my teenagers have never (touches wood) caused me a day’s trouble. I am feeling now my life is more my own as less school runs / no childcare etc and I’m able to focus on my career a bit more and get up the ladder. I don’t know what I’d have in my life if it wasn’t for my lovely kids. Obviously I’ve got good friends and my lovely dog, but my life would feel quite purposeless. That’s just my opinion though.