To ask whether you miss your old child free life?

[Gdionysus]

DP and I are in our early 30s, both professionals living together in the city. Currently we’re very happy with our lives, enjoy regular holidays and spontaneous trips away, socialising with friends most weeks and a lot of eating out. As much as I love our lives at the moment, I feel we’re getting to the stage where we need to make a decision as to whether we went to choose the child free life or start to put the foundations in place to have children (marriage, plus I already know I can’t have children naturally, so would have to go down the IVF route which takes time).

Part of us feels as though we don’t want to give up the freedom we have right now, yet also worry we could regret the decision not to have children 10 years down the line, where it may be much harder/almost impossible given the fertility issues I already have.

Would be interested to know, for those who took the plunge and decided to have children, would you do the same if you had the choice again?

I don't miss being child free. What I miss is my three filling up the house the way they used to. They are all grown up now. Guess I'll have to look forward to grandchildren now!

I think you should only ever have children if you want them and want that family life. You are likely to be lonely when elderly without children but that's not a good reason to bring a child into what will be a stressful situation for them if they are not completely wanted.

I wouldn’t if I had my time again, although I love them dearly and would be heartbroken if anything happened to them.
But, I miss my independence and it’s like Groundhog Day.
Having said that, we have no family support so no opportunity for breaks, and I have and continue to have significant MH issues and I am sure it may be different if I didn’t have those issues.

I had a child because I was so unhappy not having one. If I'd felt completely happy without one, I probably wouldn't have done it.

I don't exactly miss my old life but I'm very much looking forward to ds leaving home.

I sometimes look back nostalgically. I enjoyed being young and carefree. Seems like another life now.

But I wouldn't change anything. Love my kids and wouldn't have life any other way. Best of both worlds

No I don't miss it. My friends have all had children so it's not like they're off out without me. I haven't gone back to work and enjoy the little faces looking up at me. Having said that it was a hard road with very bad pnd but I just kept telling myself it was hormonal and wukd pass. Also several losses which were dreadful but make me so happy to be a mum. I can't wait to take them on family holidays.

"You are likely to be lonely when elderly without children"
What an unnecessary generalisation!
What about husbands, siblings and friends?
I live 3 hours from my mum and will never live any closer. My sister lives overseas and will likely do so for the foreseeable - I know of so many parents in the same boat.

One thing about having children is you absolutely can't tell how you're going to cope with it until it's too late! I know people who I thought would be amazing parents who have really struggled and I've known party mad teenagers with unplanned pregnancies who ended up being fantastic parents who love every minute of it. You really can't know.

In my case I had a life like yours but I really, really wanted DC. We moved to the country (where DH is from) big house, financially secure, everything went smoothly easy pregnancy etc. and yet I really REALLY struggled. I used to ache for my childfree life. Took me about four years to truly come to terms with the loss of freedom and embrace my new life. I would say the move to the country was a mistake. If you can keep your new life as close to your old one as possible then the transition is less likely to be so difficult. So stay in the city, secure a babysitter so you can still enjoy time out. Make sure you've properly discussed the division of labour and who will be responsible for what (the cause of most strife with new parents as the mum almost always takes a bigger hit to her autonomy/employment opportunities and general freedom.)

If it's something you really want then sooner is probably better than later if you foresee fertility issues. And while I do now think it was worth it - It's really not the be all and end all!

I never had child free years because I had a child at 16. However, she is now 30 so I've had a blast over the last 18 years or so.

Would I do it again? Absolutely.

At times I do. Life with kids is less spontaneous and a lot more routine driven. And I definitely have less disposable income.

On the other hand there are also times when I feel extraordinarily blessed and happy. On the good days, the joy they bring you is just soooo deep.

You are likely to be lonely when elderly without children

Based on what research?

You are likely to be lonely when elderly without children

Children are not a guarantee against loneliness in old age, ask anyone who works in a care home. Or they might emigrate or just live too far away to see you often.

No, I was self destructive and I am a much better version of myself with my babies in my life. I didn't think I had a purpose until I had them, obviously I did but I couldn't see it.

I longed for children. I was devastated by fertility issues, went through grueling rounds of IVF and went through four miscarriages including a second trimester loss. After almost six years I had my daughter. For a while I really regretted it.
I think I had undiagnosed PND from trauma of the losses coupled with a colicky baby and no support from my family. I also felt under immense pressure to enjoy it because of my struggle to get pregnant. Sleep deprivation made me experience really terrible feelings of rage and I hated myself.

I then had DS 6 months ago. He’s such a different baby! I have learned to let go and I’m not trying to have the perfect experience. It’s better.

Do I miss my child free life? Yes, more than I ever expected to. I love my children but I’m not 100% sure I’d go through what I did to get here, if I’d had a crystal ball to see how it would shape my life.

I think if we had grandparents/parents who helped out, we would feel very differently. All I need to be really happy is to be able to go to yoga, exercise and the odd social event every few weeks and maybe one child free night every 3 months or so. As the children get older, I think I’ll be able to regain this balance and with it my own internal equilibrium.

@FTEngineerM

Life becomes fragmented after children.

There is no task you can complete in its entirety in one go without interruption from a tiny person. It’s incredibly hard on the brain.

Anything I eat - they grab.
Anything I drink - they grab.
Anything I cook - they want to be held whilst I do it.
Any journey - they whine or cry because it’s boring.
Any shopping trip they run around and scream.
Any toilet trip - involves tiny people.

Oh yeah - and your body - definitely not your own anymore; poking, scramming, kicking, spewed on, peed on, food every crevice.

The cherry on the cake: not slept for longer than 2 hours in 2 years now.

It is absolutely relentless, they take everything from you.

I definitely think more people would be child free if they knew how grim it is/can be.

Only when they're very young. My 9 year old doesn't do any of that!

I miss it a lot.

I never miss it. I love being a mum. I wish I'd of had more.

I felt my life started properly when she was born.

I miss certain aspects of it. If I could go back, I would still choose to have him.

I miss the lack of freedom.

His dad and I aren't together so it limits where I can go geographically. I miss having that option.

But entirely worth it.

I would be heart broken if I lost my son...he's 23 now still lives at home...
But he knows I wouldn't have him twice.

Think very hard about children IMO they aren't the be all and end all..

We had been married 7 years before having DS, TTC for 2 years of that, but with the feeling that although we would like a baby, we also enjoyed our life as it was .

Honestly having DC was the best thing to happen to us. It probably depends on your financial position but I was able to drop to part time, and after the expensive first couple of years with no child care assistance, we were able to manage with less money, just slightly changed what we did, so clothes from supermarkets, cheaper holidays etc but we didn't stop going out / holidaying completely. Also we were in our late 30s so figured we had already had many years of doing what we wanted without children. And we only had one child so makes a lot of things easier, mostly we just went places we could take DS with us.

I loved being a mum though. Still do but DS now grown and with his GF. Meanwhile DH and I are able to pick up child free life again!

God, no. We're also one of only two couples in our immediate friend group who have DC.

• Babies didn't stop us from travelling. Regular holidays, spontaneous trips, etc. -- we've still done them both with and without the DC.
• We still go out for meals, go out and socialise, etc. As we've become older that kind of thing has become less attractive anyway, quite apart from having DC. Fewer and fewer of our friends do this on a regular basis, even the ones without children. No one wants to be the sad over-40 hanging out in the bar or club wishing they were in their 20's.
• It didn't stop our hobbies. DH is a touring musician, I ride horses. We did these things before DC and still do them now.

You're in your 30s now. Life is going to change whether you have DC or not, as you and your friends get older, and staying child-free doesn't stop that.

Very, very occasionally- but the utter joy of seeing my little man learn to jump today far outstrips it.

I wouldn’t go back for anything.

Absolutely, but I wish someone told me to have children earlier. Puberty amd menopause don't mix.

Never had the urge to have DC but had two anyway. It's been the absolute best thing we've ever done. Having said that we've had the money to throw at childcare in the early years (little family help) and after 11 years together before taking the plunge I was as sure as I ever would be that DH wouldn't 'up and off' when the going got tough.

I think if you have fertility issues you need to be aware that having children doesn't make you complete, and I truly believe you can have a fulfilling life without children if you make the most of what you have.

I was absolutely distraught due to fertility problems and my children were both born premature and now probably both have high functioning autism. I sometimes wonder if I was selfish pursuing my uncontrollable urge to be a mother when I see them struggle. I feel tired a lot of the time and wonder if I give them what they need. I hope the anxiety they have is not from the Autism but the puberty and they can settle down and have a wonderfully fulfilling life. They are both actually the most interesting people I know, but sadly not everyone can see that.

I think if you have fertility issues you have had so much time to think about life with children, it can be a shock when it isnt perfect. I hope I haven't put you off. I just think its good to be open to it not being easy nor perfect. I would never go back, but I wish I had better advice on the risks and what to look out for so I could have made their life easier.