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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends birthday meal...I'm paying and she picked expensive place ,aibu ?

290 replies

beeleecc · 06/04/2022 12:47

It's my friends birthday tomorrow and we are going into Manchester for shopping trip /lunch.
It's around 2 hours away and I paid for the train for us both(as it's her birthday )
I bought her a gift that was £65 and I said I would treat us to lunch at a pub.
So in my head I'm thinking £40 max.
Anyway she said she wanted to go somewhere nicer than a pub.
Anyway she was showing me the menu to a Thai place and it's gonna cost around £80 -£100 depending if she orders 2 cocktails or just 1.

Aibu to think it's a bit cheeky ?
I can't not pay now as I said let's do lunch and it's my treat.
I told her a few nice pubs and she said no to them all.

OP posts:
OnceuponaRainbow18 · 06/04/2022 18:56

Why spend so much on a friend for their bday? Seems mad!

meganorks · 06/04/2022 19:00

She doesn't sound like a good friend if she is trying to push you into paying for somewhere way more expensive than you budgeted for (which she knows if she has checked out the other places and has declined). A good friend would say 'I've always wanted to go to this Thai place but it's a bit pricey so don't worry about paying)

Tell her you can't afford to pay for that place but happy to go if you are going halves

Cherrysoup · 06/04/2022 19:01

She’s taking the piss big time! Train tickets, almost £65 on a present and now wants a £50?! If she’s really a mate, tell her no, she’s being grabby.

Fiftyand · 06/04/2022 19:06

@beeleecc

Does that make me look tight?
No!
starynight21 · 06/04/2022 19:08

If I was in this situation, I would feel that my friend was being ungrateful and acting spoilt.

With my friends we always just pay our own way. I would be inclined to return her gift, cancel and use the whole money on a shopping trip for just me.

Every £ matters and you need to get think how many hours did you have to work to earn that money?

Jammysod · 06/04/2022 19:11

YANBU. If she wants thai, have a look at Try Thai in China Town...it's delicious & they have a lunch menu that's 3 courses for around £11

NurseBernard · 06/04/2022 19:16

OP - do you have a partner? Family? Other friends in your life?

Do you spend this much on all of them?

It seems like such an over-the-top arrangement, unless your both each other’s BFFs and don’t have anyone else in your lives.

I also cannot imagine a single one of my friends behaving in such a way. With everyone I know, we all insist on paying or trying to pay - not one of us would dream of just sitting back and letting someone else pay, even on our birthday.

Let alone refusing the payer’s offer and pushing for something more expensive. That Is tight - embarrassingly so.

Here you are @beeleecc walking on egg-shells trying not to offend your rude, CF friend. While she doesn’t give a shiny shit about being rude and offending you.

What’s up with that?

NurseBernard · 06/04/2022 19:17
  • you’re
MayMorris · 06/04/2022 19:20

@Thehop

“Ah, Jane, I’ve spent a bomb already in your birthday. I’d allowed £40 for a pub lunch (sadly we can’t use your boyfriends discount haha!) so we can stick to a pub lunch or pay for ourselves on the Thai place. Which do you want to do?”
This. I was about to reply with exactly the same. At the moment she won’t realise you’ve spent a lot on her present. £100 is a lot in my view to spend on a friends birthday unless you are minted!
dottydodah · 06/04/2022 19:23

Gosh you sound like a good friend. I think shes a CF for sure! Just say you were thinking of the pub/Wagamama wherever .If she objects then maybe time to look for a new friend!

BlancheB · 06/04/2022 19:24

Sounds like you've already bought her more than enough with the tickets and gift. No way should you be paying for a hugely expensive lunch at a venue of her choice.

I wouldn't even want to pay for her pub lunch after that behaviour! Shame she doesn't want to go to her b/f's place and you could blag 40% discount too.

whirlygirl · 06/04/2022 19:26

We went to Rosa's Thai in Manchester a few weeks back and it was really good. Bill for lunch about £40 for 2 of us - starter, main and drink each

WildPoinsettia · 06/04/2022 19:28

Since she took you to a restaurant of her choice for your birthday, where she basically got her own meal for free due to her boyfriends works discount, I'd have said "let's go shopping in Manchester at the weekend, I'll pay your train fare as it's your birthday" and got her a birthday card.

Juniper68 · 06/04/2022 20:21

@NurseBernard

OP - do you have a partner? Family? Other friends in your life?

Do you spend this much on all of them?

It seems like such an over-the-top arrangement, unless your both each other’s BFFs and don’t have anyone else in your lives.

I also cannot imagine a single one of my friends behaving in such a way. With everyone I know, we all insist on paying or trying to pay - not one of us would dream of just sitting back and letting someone else pay, even on our birthday.

Let alone refusing the payer’s offer and pushing for something more expensive. That Is tight - embarrassingly so.

Here you are @beeleecc walking on egg-shells trying not to offend your rude, CF friend. While she doesn’t give a shiny shit about being rude and offending you.

What’s up with that?

I thought the same. If I spent this much on each of my friends I'd need to get a second job!
Lollypop701 · 06/04/2022 20:50

Honestly, going into cf territory. If you are paying you choose. Same as she did. Because you rack know your budget and plan accordingly. Does she know how expensive trains are? Does she know you have an expensive gift too, because If so she’s actually throwing your generosity back in your face!

Original poster
beeleecc · 07/04/2022 07:52

Sorry for late response
Yes I have a partner and other friends
Do spend a bit on partner but other friends birthdays normally just a drink on a night out and a card.
This is a old school friend and I think we just fell in the habit of spending more.

OP posts:
phishy · 07/04/2022 08:13

Why do people post these threads when they have no intention of taking the advice given and continue to be taken advantage of?

TooMuchPaper · 07/04/2022 10:02

This is a old school friend and I think we just fell in the habit of spending more.
You mean you fell into the habit of spending more. It doesn't sound as if she has.

IncompleteSenten · 07/04/2022 10:08

@phishy

Why do people post these threads when they have no intention of taking the advice given and continue to be taken advantage of?
Because they just wanted a moan, would like the situation to change by itself because they aren't brave enough to actually tackle it as they are afraid of the other person's reaction and fear conflict more than being taken advantage of.

Been there. Got the t-shirt

I don't like the t-shirt but I daren't tell the person who gave it to me because I'm scared they'll be cross with me and not like me any more or badmouth me to others so I wear it whenever I see them and silently resent them a bit for it. I'll never tell them though.

alltheteeshirts · 07/04/2022 10:15

I think you're overextending yourself.

If you've had to save up to go shopping, and paying for one extra drink is going to tip you over, then you don't have enough money to be throwing it at birthdays.

The train ticket or the gift or the meal out would have been a lovely birthday present. Not all three.

If you're already committed to all three, and you've budgeted for all three, I'd echo previous suggestions of saying it's out of your price range as you'd budgeted up to £XX only for the two of you, so you'll pay the higher of your meal and £XX, and she can pay the rest.

Then at some point, maybe after her birthday, you have a conversation about reigning in birthday expenditure before your birthday rolls round...

Break the excessive spending! You sound kind, but also like you're trying to live a premium champagne lifestyle on a Tesco Finest lemonade budget.

ilovebrie8 · 07/04/2022 10:28

have you sorted it then OP? you get the gist of what people think...

Shell4429 · 07/04/2022 18:23

You have spent how much already?! You must live in a different world to me, I wouldn’t spend more than £20 on a friend. Tell she’s taking the piss, because she is.

LoisLane66 · 07/04/2022 18:25

Wow!! That's one cheeky friend. If you're treating her it's your choice. Tell her it's a bit OTT and you have already happily paid her train fare, a £65 gift and offered lunch for which you can afford £40 tops. No more. If she wants to top up that amount with another £40-60 of her own money that's fine but she's cheeky as hell to turn down all the places you mentioned.
Don't be a fool just ell her like it is. I think you're being incredibly generous as gifts and a meal are up to the giver not the receiver to dictate where she will and won't go.
If you do this for her once, she'll expect it every time.
Good luck and stick to your guns.

Bleachmycloths · 07/04/2022 18:26

I agree with everyone who say either go halves or choose somewhere cheaper. Is she a bit spoiled? Or unaware?

YDBear · 07/04/2022 18:27

100 quid is stupid money for a lunch. What I don’t get is after your proposed a pub she said she wanted to go somewhere else. I just thought if someone else is paying you let them choose the place. That’s the etiquette, right? Bit of a CF to insist on a vastly more expensive place, frankly.