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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends birthday meal...I'm paying and she picked expensive place ,aibu ?

290 replies

beeleecc · 06/04/2022 12:47

It's my friends birthday tomorrow and we are going into Manchester for shopping trip /lunch.
It's around 2 hours away and I paid for the train for us both(as it's her birthday )
I bought her a gift that was £65 and I said I would treat us to lunch at a pub.
So in my head I'm thinking £40 max.
Anyway she said she wanted to go somewhere nicer than a pub.
Anyway she was showing me the menu to a Thai place and it's gonna cost around £80 -£100 depending if she orders 2 cocktails or just 1.

Aibu to think it's a bit cheeky ?
I can't not pay now as I said let's do lunch and it's my treat.
I told her a few nice pubs and she said no to them all.

OP posts:
JulieBeds · 07/04/2022 19:55

Say you've just submitted your gas and electric reader meetings for the last quarter and you've been shocked at how much it's gone up and it's left you really worried about how to pay the next quarter's bill.

This is for real too - in real life I think you should check as you may really need that money for bills. Mum's bills just doubled...

Just say you're very sorry but having to tighten your belt and just can't afford somewhere more fancy, you've got £40 and that's all you can do.

Everyone's been hearing about the cost of living crisis. She'd have to living under a rock not to have heard it herself.

Say you'd love to spend more but you literally don't have it. Which might be true!

Juniper68 · 07/04/2022 20:06

I think the trip is probably happening or happened now.

Ddot · 07/04/2022 20:06

Your not tight she is CF. Just say thats a bit more than I had budgeted for sorry but if you really want to go then we can go Dutch

Mandyjack · 07/04/2022 20:23

Blimey your generous, the cost of the train, gift and lunch even if you had a pub lunch would be at least £100. Just be honest and say I wasn't expecting to go somewhere that expensive but if you'd rather go there we'll need to go Dutch. If you are paying she's cheeky to pick a more expensive place unless she thinks money is no issue for you?

AngelinaFibres · 07/04/2022 20:31

Best friend of 35 years standing and I buy each other lunch on our birthdays. We give a birthday card each too. That's it. The present is the lunch. We meet up every 6 weeks or so and eat in 4 or 5 different places ,all the same sort of amount. The birthday meal would be at one of those. Your friend isnt much of a friend. Sixty five for a present ,then train fare then lunch is far too much.

Happyhappyday · 07/04/2022 20:32

@beeleecc if it’s the same Rosa’s as in London it’s MY FAVORITE!! I grew up in a city with a huge Thai population and tons of Thai restaurants and Rosa’s is the only one I found that consistently measured up!

Moodycow78 · 07/04/2022 20:40

@beeleecc

Does that make me look tight?
No, she's looking grabby xx
Youcansaythatagainandagain · 07/04/2022 20:57

Are you sure she expects you to pay?
Maybe she doesn’t at all?
Anyway better to have the discussion about costs before going.

Be honest and tell her it’s outside your budget.

Cookiecrumble22 · 07/04/2022 21:09

It was rude of her to suggest a more expensive place. Tell her you can't afford it. Your happy to pay for a pub meal but that's as far as your budget will go .

Frollop · 07/04/2022 21:41

@beeleecc Rosa's Thai is an affordable choice with tasty food.

FeetupTvon · 07/04/2022 21:45

You sound like a really lovely friend.
Be honest and tell her that you are on a budget.

Aaaabbbcccc · 07/04/2022 21:53

@beeleecc

Does that make me look tight?
Nope not at all
EliyanahM · 07/04/2022 21:56

I think she's got a cheek picking a posh place really. Same goes for when people know you're paying and they pick the most expensive meal.

pangolina · 07/04/2022 22:00

Crikey! Me and my friends just send each other texts unless it's a significant birthday!

Tiddlesthecat · 07/04/2022 22:13

How on earth can a Thai meal cost £80-£100 for lunch? Is that the cost for both of you or each? Do they not have a special lunch the menu? Most places do for a fraction of their a la carte evening prices. If she wants Thai, find a cheaper Thai place.

BarbaraofSeville · 07/04/2022 22:21

Multiple courses, cocktails. It's all very well saying do they have a lunch menu, but not everyone wants to order from it.

When we eat out its cheaper/mid range places and usually one or two courses plus a pint each and a jug of tap water, and even then is usually around £40-60.

So I can see it can easily cost nearly twice that if people have a couple of cocktails so drinks at £20+ pp instead of £5/6 plus possibly more courses or a slightly posher place, or chain restaurant without vouchers, which always seems to cost more than you'd imagine.

If I was going to Manchester I'd be happy with the lunch special and a pint at Bundobust, which is around £15 pp, but I also like El Gato Negro, which if you have 3/4 tapas and a couple of cocktails or G&Ts would be more like £40-50 pp Shock

Zonder · 07/04/2022 22:28

What did you do in the end?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 07/04/2022 22:31

Normally I'd say, tell it to her straight as other pp have suggested. She is a total CF. However, I've been in your situation, there are two people in my life who behave like this and I know how difficult it is to say that to them in real life when you are sitting in the restaurant supposedly having a lovely time. Except its not really a lovely time when you feel like you are being imposed upon. And on top of that being made to feel "tight".
You have to ask why, having already spent/intended to spend at least £120 (including the £40) on what planet could you be considered tight? By anyone. and if the Friend is making you feel like you are being tight/begrudging spending on celebrating her birthday - she is completely in the wrong.
You'd already gone to the effort of choosing one pub/lunch you thought would be nice and she's turned around and demanded more. You research 4/5 more places and she turns those down as well.
The foot is stamped she MUST have the expensive resturant she's landed on and you MUST pay for it £80-£100 depending on how many cocktails she orders ( I doubt if there is a poster on this thread who imagines she will confine herself to just one cocktail when she's not paying.. its HER birthday afterall) and even after this you are still the penny pincher who wanted to take her to a cheap pub on HER actual birthday.
How does it sound now? Do you still feel "tight" or begrudging. Its clear that the last thought on your mind was being begrudging - you wanted her to have a lovely birthday day out together. So accept that you are not guilty and ask why you feel guilty about it.
Then ask yourself why a friend would treat you like this. When you say No to her, and I hope you do.. what do your think her reaction will be?
And then think whether you deserve this? What have you actually done wrong?
Who is being rude here, her or you? and remember the answer when you say no to her.

I hope you resolve this. Its not fair to be put in that position when all you wanted to do was to treat a friend.

bubblybrooke · 07/04/2022 22:46

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Benjispruce4 · 07/04/2022 22:48

If you’re paying, you choose and book.

Mamanyt · 08/04/2022 00:08

Tell her, "I am so sorry, that's out of my budget! It sounds wonderful, maybe we can go another time when we each pay our own way!"

AlmostAJillSandwich · 08/04/2022 00:49

If she was the one paying, would she have picked this place?
Some people will go for the expensive stuff on someone elses dime when they wouldn't on their own, and that is exceptionally cheeky.
If however it's her usual type of place to pick when she's paying for herself/others too, she might not realise its over budget for some and a bit of a cheeky ask for somewhere at that cost.

RaRathebravemouse · 08/04/2022 12:14

Let us know what happens OP

riceuten · 08/04/2022 13:18

Who are these people who expect someone to pony up for an expensive Thai meal as a birthday present ? Strange kind of friend.

wentworthinmate · 08/04/2022 13:31

The day has come and gone and I bet you didn't treat yourself to anything as she wiped you out! Such a shame.