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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends birthday meal...I'm paying and she picked expensive place ,aibu ?

290 replies

beeleecc · 06/04/2022 12:47

It's my friends birthday tomorrow and we are going into Manchester for shopping trip /lunch.
It's around 2 hours away and I paid for the train for us both(as it's her birthday )
I bought her a gift that was £65 and I said I would treat us to lunch at a pub.
So in my head I'm thinking £40 max.
Anyway she said she wanted to go somewhere nicer than a pub.
Anyway she was showing me the menu to a Thai place and it's gonna cost around £80 -£100 depending if she orders 2 cocktails or just 1.

Aibu to think it's a bit cheeky ?
I can't not pay now as I said let's do lunch and it's my treat.
I told her a few nice pubs and she said no to them all.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 06/04/2022 15:18

She's not much of a friend if you can't be honest with her.

I'm sorry but that's out of my budget after the train tickets and the gift.

A friend would not take the piss.

HedgehogintheFog · 06/04/2022 15:19

Are you sure she's still expecting you to pay now that she's changed the plan to somewhere pricier than a pub? I can imagine someone thinking, "Thanks for the pub lunch offer, but I'd rather something fancier." She might think it goes without saying that you'll go halves. Just tell her. Say it looks lovely and you'll buy her a cocktail if she wants to go there, otherwise your offer of a pub lunch on you still stands.

Bournetilly · 06/04/2022 15:22

Just tell her you can’t afford to pay for you both at a fancy restaurant but happy to pay half each/ for yourselves.
Are you sure she isn’t expecting to pay for herself now?

Amei · 06/04/2022 15:22

I've been to rosas before and it was lovely. Your friend is a very CF!!

theemmadilemma · 06/04/2022 15:25

Who the fuck has all the 'friends' that they are too scared to just turn around say 'mate, that's a bit pricey, unless you want to chip in it's going to need to be a pub!'

If paying out the arse and not being able to say anything is a requirement for friends I'm glad I have a select few.

shiningstar2 · 06/04/2022 15:26

If you have already paid train tickets and a £65 gift you have already been very generous. More importantly, a gift is a gift. Iti is the giver who decides what to spend and the recipient should receive the gift gaciously and gratefully, not try to dictate the value of the gift.

godmum56 · 06/04/2022 15:28

@beeleecc

Does that make me look tight?
no I don't think so. I think picking somewhere expensive is quite thoughtless and grabby. By saying "pub lunch", you had indicated a price range to her....so if she says oh i'd love a Nando's or could we go for coffee at Starbucks, she's staying in the budget ballpark....to choose a much more expensive venue is not polite.
godmum56 · 06/04/2022 15:29

and PS yes you CAN not pay....you just say sorry its not in my budget.

Femalewoman · 06/04/2022 15:35

Will you be my friend instead. You are not being tight. She is being unable.

Scbchl · 06/04/2022 15:36

Don't just put up with this! Just message her and say "Just had a look at that menu, it's a bit more than I'd budgeted in my head for lunch as I have also bought you a gift, I'm happy to go if you want to split the cost though? Otherwise how about xyz?"

oakleaffy · 06/04/2022 15:38

My goodness-
She is being really cheeky.
Cocktails are such a waste of money!
If she wants fancy booze and food, let her pay!! £40 a head is very generous.

JudgeRindersMinder · 06/04/2022 15:39

@beeleecc

Does that make me look tight?
Of course not! She’s being a CF!
ChickenyChick · 06/04/2022 15:39

How can you be friends, to the extent you give these pricey gifts (it's way more than I give nay of mine, haha) yet aren't able to joke about this or take the mickey, and instead are worried about offending her/seeming tight?

I hope it isn't one of those friendships where one person struggles with boundaries, and the other abuses this issue to her own advantage... as that's not friendship, that is being used

oakleaffy · 06/04/2022 15:39

Does it make you look tight??

No.

It makes your friend look grabby and greedy

anotherbloodyyearofcovid · 06/04/2022 15:42

Can you return the gift for a refund and use the money for the lunch she wants instead?

springtimeishereagain · 06/04/2022 15:45

How much did she spend on your meal for your birthday?? You're not being tight at all. Your gift is v generous.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 06/04/2022 15:49

Does she know about the v generous gift?

Felicity42 · 06/04/2022 16:00

You bought the train tickets and insisted on paying for them.
You bought her a present (she does not know you spent £65).
You told her you'd pay for a lunch.
Her insistence on a change of venue for the lunch might be her trying to get some control of her birthday event.

ReadyToMoveIt · 06/04/2022 16:02

If you’re spending over £100 on her birthday she must be a very very good friend, in which case surely you’re close enough that you can tell her it’s too much?

Newmumatlast · 06/04/2022 16:23

@beeleecc

It's my friends birthday tomorrow and we are going into Manchester for shopping trip /lunch. It's around 2 hours away and I paid for the train for us both(as it's her birthday ) I bought her a gift that was £65 and I said I would treat us to lunch at a pub. So in my head I'm thinking £40 max. Anyway she said she wanted to go somewhere nicer than a pub. Anyway she was showing me the menu to a Thai place and it's gonna cost around £80 -£100 depending if she orders 2 cocktails or just 1.

Aibu to think it's a bit cheeky ?
I can't not pay now as I said let's do lunch and it's my treat.
I told her a few nice pubs and she said no to them all.

You can say no as you didn't say you would treat her to lunch you said a pub lunch. If she wants something different she pays the extra and for both of you as you wouldn't be able to pay extra for you either not just for her.
Mummyoflittledragon · 06/04/2022 16:24

How come she chose where you went for your birthday and she is choosing where to go for hers?!

Did she also buy you an expensive gift? Or a gift at all? Can you return the gift?

Your options are to reduce the lunch bill or the present bill rather than spending loads more on her than she did on you. My friends can afford expensive stuff. But we have kids and are past this silliness. Token gifts all the way and lunch bills are for birthdays are split between us.

Squerreal · 06/04/2022 16:34

I can't ever imagining a friend spending that sort of money on me, I just couldn't ever accept it. What you have described sounds like another world to me!

AryaStarkWolf · 06/04/2022 16:39

I would actually make a joke out of it and say something like "Bloody hell expensive taste! Yeah I don't mind going there but you can pay for your own lunch if we do!"

Original poster
beeleecc · 06/04/2022 16:42

She did buy me a really nice gift.
I think sometimes she doesn't realise she's being a bit pushy.

OP posts:
Sunnytwobridges · 06/04/2022 16:45

Wow I'm blown away at your friend suggesting something else when YOU are treating HER. Wow. I would tell her that's not in your budget, and if she wants to go there you can contribute the bill. If she doesn't like then she's not really a good friend at all.