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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends birthday meal...I'm paying and she picked expensive place ,aibu ?

290 replies

beeleecc · 06/04/2022 12:47

It's my friends birthday tomorrow and we are going into Manchester for shopping trip /lunch.
It's around 2 hours away and I paid for the train for us both(as it's her birthday )
I bought her a gift that was £65 and I said I would treat us to lunch at a pub.
So in my head I'm thinking £40 max.
Anyway she said she wanted to go somewhere nicer than a pub.
Anyway she was showing me the menu to a Thai place and it's gonna cost around £80 -£100 depending if she orders 2 cocktails or just 1.

Aibu to think it's a bit cheeky ?
I can't not pay now as I said let's do lunch and it's my treat.
I told her a few nice pubs and she said no to them all.

OP posts:
RachelGreeneGreep · 06/04/2022 16:45

@theemmadilemma

Who the fuck has all the 'friends' that they are too scared to just turn around say 'mate, that's a bit pricey, unless you want to chip in it's going to need to be a pub!'

If paying out the arse and not being able to say anything is a requirement for friends I'm glad I have a select few.

Exactly.
tkwal · 06/04/2022 16:46

I would be upfront and say that the restaurant she chose would be out of the budget you planned and would she mind either chosing another one or going without cocktails (if 1 extra cocktail would push the price up by £20)

FirewomanSam · 06/04/2022 16:50

Does she actually know that you’re paying? If she really wants to go to the Thai place then I think it’s fair enough for her to suggest what she actually wants to do for her birthday, but only if she’s planning on paying!

If one of my friends did this I’d assume - because none of them are cheeky cows! - that there had been crossed wires and would say something like ‘ah love this is a bit awkward but I was planning on treating you to dinner but that place is way out of my budget for both of us, I really want you to have what you want but if we go there we’ll have to split it, is that ok?’ And I’d expect any friend of mine to reply with a mortified ‘of course! I hadn’t thought for a moment that you’d be paying for all of it, I’m so sorry!’

If your conversation goes any other way then your friend is unbelievably rude and cheeky.

Phobiaphobic · 06/04/2022 16:51

@Thehop

“Ah, Jane, I’ve spent a bomb already in your birthday. I’d allowed £40 for a pub lunch (sadly we can’t use your boyfriends discount haha!) so we can stick to a pub lunch or pay for ourselves on the Thai place. Which do you want to do?”
Perfect.
pictish · 06/04/2022 16:53

Just say, “Oooh no, I can’t stretch to those prices. Pick again.”

Saz12 · 06/04/2022 16:57

Be honest! Tell her you’d budgeted for a pub lunch, you’d be happy to go somewhere fancier but you’d need to split the bill between the 2 of you.

Sushi7 · 06/04/2022 17:04

@beeleecc you bought her an expensive present and paid for the train tickets. You don’t have to buy her lunch. Pay separately.

Blondeshavemorefun · 06/04/2022 17:07

@FirewomanSam

Does she actually know that you’re paying? If she really wants to go to the Thai place then I think it’s fair enough for her to suggest what she actually wants to do for her birthday, but only if she’s planning on paying!

If one of my friends did this I’d assume - because none of them are cheeky cows! - that there had been crossed wires and would say something like ‘ah love this is a bit awkward but I was planning on treating you to dinner but that place is way out of my budget for both of us, I really want you to have what you want but if we go there we’ll have to split it, is that ok?’ And I’d expect any friend of mine to reply with a mortified ‘of course! I hadn’t thought for a moment that you’d be paying for all of it, I’m so sorry!’

If your conversation goes any other way then your friend is unbelievably rude and cheeky.

This
BasaltIsland · 06/04/2022 17:07

Agree with pps. On the practical side, Siam Smiles is a great budget Thai option that doesn’t involve sitting in the Arndale. I don’t know if they serve alcohol, though.

Manchester has LOADS of options similar in price to a pub lunch that will also offer a decent drink - Pho Cue (Vietnamese), Pasta Factory or pretty much any of the @ one million pizzerias would be good places to start.

Hotfootit · 06/04/2022 17:13

If you are paying, you choose the location.

SevenWaystoLeave · 06/04/2022 17:22

@Hotfootit

If you are paying, you choose the location.
Not really the rule if it's someone's birthday treat, they just have to be respectful of the budget.

I second the question above: Does friend actually know you were planning on paying? Perhaps she was always imagining you'd split the bill and so has no idea her suggestion would put you in a financial spot?

Dimondsareforever · 06/04/2022 17:24

Just tell her it’s out of budget and remind her you are also paying for train.

tempester28 · 06/04/2022 17:27

Say that you had a pub budge in mind but are happy to split a posher meal.

tempester28 · 06/04/2022 17:27

You have already been very generous

Pyri · 06/04/2022 17:27

@Recessionista

I’ve never been to Rosa’s Thai I’m afraid but another thought is that the Slug and Lettuce in Castlefield used to do 2 for 1 cocktails all day and the afternoon tea there (which used to include two cocktails - not sure if it still does) is good for the price and would probably be within your £40 budget if that’s something you think she would be interested in, you could sell it as a ‘special birthday afternoon tea’ maybe.
If someone told me they were taking me for “special afternoon tea” then we got to a Slug and Lettuce I’d be pretty disappointed!!
Juniper68 · 06/04/2022 17:29

She's a cfer. Doesn't realise she's being pushy Grin Rightyoh.

aSofaNearYou · 06/04/2022 17:31

If someone told me they were taking me for “special afternoon tea” then we got to a Slug and Lettuce I’d be pretty disappointed!!

Maybe if it had been billed as a "special" afternoon tea but I think it would be pretty snobbish to be disappointed if it was just billed as "afternoon tea". It's still generous to pay for their meal at all.

Crazykefir · 06/04/2022 17:32

@beeleecc

Does that make me look tight?
^ who cares. You friend is massively taking the piss.
ShirleyPhallus · 06/04/2022 17:34

@aSofaNearYou

If someone told me they were taking me for “special afternoon tea” then we got to a Slug and Lettuce I’d be pretty disappointed!!

Maybe if it had been billed as a "special" afternoon tea but I think it would be pretty snobbish to be disappointed if it was just billed as "afternoon tea". It's still generous to pay for their meal at all.

I’d much rather that they saved their money than wasted it on afternoon tea at slug and lettuce!

Alternatively, spending it on several shots of apple sourz would be much more in keeping with the vibe of the place

XmasElf10 · 06/04/2022 17:43

Want to be my friend??? No one spends that much on me for my birthday Grin

Gowithme · 06/04/2022 17:44

Does she know you've bought her an expensive present? Could she think that the lunch is her present? I hope so or she sounds very grabby.

bagsforlife20 · 06/04/2022 17:50

I think you need to be more assertive

It may be different for me as I’m early 20s so there’s no shame for me in telling to my friends I can’t afford something, but then again there should be no shame in you saying the same thing to your friend. It’s public knowledge that finances are tight for everyone at the moment and cost of living has skyrocketed

She obviously wants to go to a fancy place as it’s her birthday, but she may not realise the knock on financial impact it will have on you. Just be honest with her and say if we go here I can’t afford to cover you and let her decide if she still wants to go. You can buy her a drink and tell the restaurant in advance that it’s her birthday as they may give her a birthday surprise.

Doubledenimrock · 06/04/2022 17:58

I'd probs say " sorry I cant afford champagne tastes on my beer budget alone...we can go halves on your choice or try here .. your call 😊 "

WisherWood · 06/04/2022 18:39

@Hotfootit

If you are paying, you choose the location.
Not necessarily. If my OH is buying me dinner for a birthday treat the conversation goes:

Me: how about X restaurant or Y pub?

Him: yes, happy with either of those.

It's just basic communication. And also, not being a cheeky fucker and making assumptions about what people are happy to buy you. But that way, the birthday person gets to eat at a restaurant/ pub that they like, and the person buying can veto anything out of their price range.

Ilovethecinema · 06/04/2022 18:43

I can’t believe the cheek. Actually lost for words at the absolute cheek of her. You’ve paid for enough as it is, you’re been beyond generous offering to pay for lunch.