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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends birthday meal...I'm paying and she picked expensive place ,aibu ?

290 replies

beeleecc · 06/04/2022 12:47

It's my friends birthday tomorrow and we are going into Manchester for shopping trip /lunch.
It's around 2 hours away and I paid for the train for us both(as it's her birthday )
I bought her a gift that was £65 and I said I would treat us to lunch at a pub.
So in my head I'm thinking £40 max.
Anyway she said she wanted to go somewhere nicer than a pub.
Anyway she was showing me the menu to a Thai place and it's gonna cost around £80 -£100 depending if she orders 2 cocktails or just 1.

Aibu to think it's a bit cheeky ?
I can't not pay now as I said let's do lunch and it's my treat.
I told her a few nice pubs and she said no to them all.

OP posts:
latriciamcneal · 06/04/2022 13:36

@beeleecc

Does that make me look tight?
But are you actually being tight (you have the money just don't want to spend it on her) or do you actually have to stick within a budget (you would have to magic money up or borrow/overdraught to afford it)

because that's what matters, not a perception. You say you spent that much on her pressie, I've never spent that on anyone mostly because I don't have it but I wouldn't anyway as that is a lot for a gift. So she's obviously a good friend so why would she think you were being tight (had money you were pretending you didn't have)? That's a bit weird. Why would she think that?

And even if you are being tight well that's fine as you were not tight on her gift AND paying for her train.

CaitoftheCantii · 06/04/2022 13:37

No good friend would do this - pretend you hadn’t remembered her saying about the Thai place ( selective hearing) and tell her if she doesn’t fancy a pub lunch you’ll take her for coffee and a cake instead 😁

Lady089 · 06/04/2022 13:39

Only On Mumsnet do I see friends spending £100-£200 on their friends. Many people couldn’t even afford that. She’s being unreasonable and taking advantage and if she wants to go to an expensive restaurant, I’d tell her you’ll have to go halves or somewhere else less-expensive because you hadn’t budgeted.

Original poster
beeleecc · 06/04/2022 13:40

Every month after bills /mortgage /food etc I'm left with around £600 spare so not rich by any means but not struggling I guess.
I just don't want to spend £80 plus on a meal when I have other events plant in the next month.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 06/04/2022 13:41

@beeleecc

Every month after bills /mortgage /food etc I'm left with around £600 spare so not rich by any means but not struggling I guess. I just don't want to spend £80 plus on a meal when I have other events plant in the next month.
So what are you going to say to this rude ‘friend’?
CorneliusVetch · 06/04/2022 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Viviennemary · 06/04/2022 13:43

Just say shall we give lunch a miss and go for a coffee instead. If you don't want a pub lunch.

PorkPieForStarters · 06/04/2022 13:44

Rosa's Thai is GREAT, I used to live round the corner from the first one and always enjoyed the food and atmosphere and would absolutely recommend - I'd love it if a friend took me here!

HesterShaw1 · 06/04/2022 13:44

@Lady089

Only On Mumsnet do I see friends spending £100-£200 on their friends. Many people couldn’t even afford that. She’s being unreasonable and taking advantage and if she wants to go to an expensive restaurant, I’d tell her you’ll have to go halves or somewhere else less-expensive because you hadn’t budgeted.
I was just thinking this! Why do people spend so much on friends? We went to the pub on my birthday last week and my friends got a round in each, as did I!

It's nice to have a bit of fuss from your friends on your birthday but a card and a box of chocolates/round of drinks is the most we expect. Why on earth have you made all this fuss?!

Chloemol · 06/04/2022 13:45

@beeleecc

Does that make me look tight?
No, she’s being a twat if they thinks it’s ok to go somewhere expensive when you said pub

So I would be saying ok xxx if you really want to go there we pay for ourselves ( wouldn’t split the bill)

Candleabra · 06/04/2022 13:46

You’re already being massively generous. This trip is a huge chunk of your monthly budget, even without the meal. It’s more than I would be comfortable paying.
If you were my friend I wouldn’t want you to struggle for the rest of the month because of my treat.

Herja · 06/04/2022 13:47

Don't worry about looking tight! It's a silly thing to worry about: things are either affordable or not, other people's views on your spending is just judgemental bollocks and best not considered. She's the one who should be worried out looking bad anyway - grabby/greedy as hell!

Just tell her you can't afford that and offer the choice of where she wants, but splitting the bill, or you set the budget and she chooses accordingly.

Someone who reacts poorly to that is a shit friend and undeserving of gifts and birthday treats anyway.

BuanoKubiamVej · 06/04/2022 13:48

Yanbu

You say "when I said lunch would be my treat I assumed we'd be doing something quite informal and at the lower end of the budget and I'm not able to cover those prices. Even if we go halves that's going to hoover up all my shopping budget for the day and spoil the whole trip for me. If you really want to go there it can be your treat but my lunch budget is £15 per head"

Octomore · 06/04/2022 13:49

If you're good enough friends to spend around £100 on her present plus a meal (which is a lot to spend on a friend!), you should be good enough friends to be able to explain what's within your budget. It shouldn't be an issue.

If she gets arsey, then she doesn't deserve such generosity in the first place.

BorderlineHappy · 06/04/2022 13:50

@beeleecc did she get you a decent present for your birthday.

Doggirl · 06/04/2022 13:50

DP and I for a late Xmas present once took 3 friends out for a day out in Winchester by train (around 80 miles away), entry to the Cathedral and lunch. We were pretty honest that it was predicated on a ticket promotion the rail company was running. They were happy, I think--they were foreign and didn't speak great English, so it's not a trip they would otherwise have made.

Octomore · 06/04/2022 13:51

Tbh, this makes me feel really out of touch as to what is considered an appropriate amount to spend on a gift these days!

No-one in my friendship circle would spend £100 on a friend's birthday unless it was a significant milestone birthday.

LaingsAcidTab · 06/04/2022 13:52

@HesterShaw1

I was just thinking this! Why do people spend so much on friends? We went to the pub on my birthday last week and my friends got a round in each, as did I!

It's nice to have a bit of fuss from your friends on your birthday but a card and a box of chocolates/round of drinks is the most we expect. Why on earth have you made all this fuss?!

That's because the people who post things like this on Mumsnet are struggling with behaviour that's not normal.

@beeleecc, I am staring in disbelief at the screen reading your words because a) you can't see how one-sided this is, and b) this has cowed you into not being able to do anything about it.

It is so simple to say "Crikey! No, we'll need to go somewhere cheaper" with a friendship that isn't dysfunctional.

Remind yourself this, say what you feel and mean, and if the friendship is compromised as a result it is because it wasn't what you thought it was in the first place.

Blackmagicqueen · 06/04/2022 13:53

Op your friend hasn't taken your feelings into consideration when she's been so rude choosing an expensive place. I wouldnt worry about telling her:

'I'd only budgeted for a pub lunch after the gift and train fares, but if you fancy somewhere posher we can go halves'

You could even WhatsApp her and say the above if you feel awkward in person. Maybe you could start it with 'have you decided where you'd like to go for your birthday? (Followed by the above)

MoiraNotRuby · 06/04/2022 13:54

£600 a month spare?!

FML where am I going so wrong in life!!!

Lunificent · 06/04/2022 13:54

You are incredibly generous in this friendship! I may not even have got a my good friend a card last year!
You could get away with not mentioning budget by just showing her the menu of your preferred place and asking her if she s happy for you to go ahead and book it.

Hoppinggreen · 06/04/2022 13:55

[quote beeleecc]@MoiraNotRuby my birthday she treated me to a meal but she got 40% discount as her boyfriend works at the restaurant [/quote]
Oh FFS
Stop being such a fanny
She spent far less on you, if you having a (pretty healthy) budget causes her to have a strop then she’s a CF who doesn’t deserve you

Palloom · 06/04/2022 13:55

She sounds quite the princess doesn't she?

Tone deaf too. Most friends would say something like "oh would you mind if we went to X instead, I've been dying to try it, and we'll go halves, that OK?"

Maybe she just didn't say that bit. Ask her..... or tell her. If she is your true friend she will acknowledge her mistake and laugh and agree to go halves. Otherwise you may have to re assess her and her needs and wants relating to your own circumstances.

Blackmagicqueen · 06/04/2022 13:56

You could even say "halves or unless we get discount like we managed on my birthday"

Lunificent · 06/04/2022 13:57

@WalkingOnSonshine

Not Thai but Viet Shack in the Arndale is excellent & more like 6-7 quid for a main. It’s a bit more relaxed.
As lovely as the food is at a VietShack, this would entail sitting in the middle of the Arndale Market for a birthday treat!
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