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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my husband to help me

166 replies

Bluffysummers · 06/04/2022 10:11

I have an ebf 3 month old and a 2 year old with a tummy bug.

I have caught said bug and I feel like I’m dying, I feel like I’m going to vomit so far only managing small sips of water to get me through the day. I feel so weak I can barely lift the baby to feed him. Got a temp and the shakes.
Baby isn’t a great napper and I can’t co sleep and tbh with how I feel it’s not safe.

Would it be unreasonable for DH to take the day off work?

Plot twist it’s his 3rd day in a brand new role that’s a big pay rise so he thinks it will make him look bad. Which It probably would, but honestly I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus.

Aibu to still want dh to take the day off?

We’ve got no friends or family that could or would help out. There is no one else

OP posts:
tintodeverano2 · 06/04/2022 10:12

Third day in a new job... that's a bit too soon really. I can see why he doesn't want to as it won't look good to his bosses.

Saying that, is he helping out when he's at home?

Original poster
Bluffysummers · 06/04/2022 10:15

@tintodeverano2

Third day in a new job... that's a bit too soon really. I can see why he doesn't want to as it won't look good to his bosses.

Saying that, is he helping out when he's at home?

He is wfh. I’ve got sickness and diarrhoea though (soz tmi) and I can barely move. I can just feel the sickness coming. I genuinely can’t lift my baby to feed him.

I don’t really know what to do

OP posts:
Passthecake30 · 06/04/2022 10:16

Yanbu however you’re not alone, my dp is self employed and has never took a day off to support me looking after the kids. I recall feeling shocking with mastitis ill and just having my 2 year old on the sofa staring at the tv all day, with a baby on my lap. Do whatever it takes to make the day as painless as possible.

Winday · 06/04/2022 10:16

It's bad timing with him being three days into his new role. And I can see why you would want him to take the day off. But I can also see his point. I don't think either of you are BU, but I'd probably sway towards his POV. I hope this illness goes quickly, it sounds horrible.

Passthecake30 · 06/04/2022 10:17

Hmmm just read he’s wfh. I think in this case he should be able to help every now and then, so long as he lets his new employers know that it’s a one off while you’re ill.

Original poster
Bluffysummers · 06/04/2022 10:18

@Passthecake30

Yanbu however you’re not alone, my dp is self employed and has never took a day off to support me looking after the kids. I recall feeling shocking with mastitis ill and just having my 2 year old on the sofa staring at the tv all day, with a baby on my lap. Do whatever it takes to make the day as painless as possible.
In his old job he would have, it’s just now but I genuinely don’t think I’ll be able to cope
OP posts:
VainAbigail · 06/04/2022 10:19

No day 3 is way too soon, unfortunately.

Winday · 06/04/2022 10:19

Oh, he's WFH, I think that does make a small difference. Is his role one he can take short breaks away from his desk? To make lunch, lift baby to you for feeding (on your side, in bed?) Check 2yo. That sort of thing? For one day I'd think this would be OK?

Original poster
Bluffysummers · 06/04/2022 10:21

He seems to be back to back meetings and I’ve just been sick on my kitchen floor. Couldn’t make to to my loo… ffs

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 06/04/2022 10:22

Really difficult situation. I do think 3 days is too soon, sorry.

Is there no-one who can call round, at all?

Original poster
Bluffysummers · 06/04/2022 10:24

@MrsSkylerWhite

Really difficult situation. I do think 3 days is too soon, sorry.

Is there no-one who can call round, at all?

Literally no one
OP posts:
EdgyNeonAnt · 06/04/2022 10:26

You're not unreasonable to want help, I say that as someone who had a D&V bug with an almost 18 month old and EBF 5 month old! However I don't think he should take time off in this situation, especially as he's WFH, even if busy would presumably have a few minutes if there was an emergency. Plus there isn't a commute so he can take over as soon as he finishes.

OatmilkandCookies · 06/04/2022 10:27

What a tough situation.
Three days is definitely too soon so I completely see his point.
If he's wfh, could he help you on breaks and lunches? I know its tough but it can work. When my self employed DH badly injured his back last year and I was WFH, I spent my breaks and lunches looking after him and getting him what he needed.

Original poster
Bluffysummers · 06/04/2022 10:29

Would it be awful to call DDs nursery and beg them to take her and then me to feed baby to slee and DH put him in the carrier whilst I sleep for a bit? Maybe an hr nap would be helpful, do you think that would make him look bad if he said my wife has d&v?

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 06/04/2022 10:31

I'd definitely send older child to nursery if you can. Just get dh to help when he can and lay on bed with baby and a bucket

Mummy1608 · 06/04/2022 10:32

Family is more important than work!! If his employer doesn't understand then it's an awful place to work. You've just vomited on the floor and you're looking after a baby and a toddler at the same time?! Yes, yes he must take the day off. It's called parental leave.

I'm honestly astonished the vote has gone the other way. My husband has taken the day off when I've been much less ill than you, and we only have one DD. I also have male colleagues who have taken days off to look after their ill kids who can't go into nursery.

The number of days in his new role is totally irrelevant. They know he's a parent.

We really have an awful double standard on mums vs dads in the workplace it seems (although I haven't seen this in real life tbf as I say! Lots of colleagues who are dads who put their family first!)

MrsSkylerWhite · 06/04/2022 10:34

That’s really tough, then 💐

I think nursery would be the go to for most people. Hope you feel much better soon.

Shinyandnew1 · 06/04/2022 10:34

I have an ebf 3 month old and a 2 year old with a tummy bug

Would it be awful to call DDs nursery and beg them to take her

You want the nursery to take your 2 year old DD who has a tummy bug?

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 06/04/2022 10:34

When was the last time older DD was sick? Most nurseries have a 48 hour exclusion policy for vomiting bugs.

I'm really sorry you're struggling but I do see your DH's view too. I don't think he should take the day off but I do think he should be fully hands on during his breaks.

FloBot7 · 06/04/2022 10:34

Does DD still have a tummy bug? You can't risk making the whole nursery sick.

I'm afraid I have to agree that day 3 is too soon to be asking for time off. The employers don't know him yet. Could he mention in his meetings that you are sick with a stomach bug and he might need to pop out for a few minutes to help?

Mummy1608 · 06/04/2022 10:35

@Bluffysummers

Would it be awful to call DDs nursery and beg them to take her and then me to feed baby to slee and DH put him in the carrier whilst I sleep for a bit? Maybe an hr nap would be helpful, do you think that would make him look bad if he said my wife has d&v?
If dd has a tummy bug, absolutely no to sending her to nursery! DH just needs to take the day off, you are really very ill and shouldn't have to look after two kids in that state! You're not a single parent, you have a DH right there who must look after his family.

Gosh I'm just so glad my DH wouldn't even hesitate in this situation. I really hope yours sees reason asap.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 06/04/2022 10:36

@Bluffysummers

Would it be awful to call DDs nursery and beg them to take her and then me to feed baby to slee and DH put him in the carrier whilst I sleep for a bit? Maybe an hr nap would be helpful, do you think that would make him look bad if he said my wife has d&v?
In your first post you said the 2 year old had the tummy bug. You can't send her in for 48 hours.
Original poster
Bluffysummers · 06/04/2022 10:38

@Shinyandnew1

I have an ebf 3 month old and a 2 year old with a tummy bug

Would it be awful to call DDs nursery and beg them to take her

You want the nursery to take your 2 year old DD who has a tummy bug?

In fairness she’s the other side of it now, she was off all last week, she’s now just got the odd loose stool (dr said it’s toddler diarrhoea not contagious but a post viral thing) and is a bit funny with food
OP posts:
OutingHobby · 06/04/2022 10:38

Any decent employer would be fine if he apologised and said he couldn't make one of the meetings as his wife was vomiting everywhere and struggling with the kids. A lot of people would even be over the top and see him as some kind of hero because he is a man.

Mummy1608 · 06/04/2022 10:39

it won't look good to his bosses

I'm quoting a commenter but I have no doubt this is what your DH is thinking. But I'd have no respect for my DH if he took the cowardly route rather than doing the right thing.

In the long run his employers will respect him more for being a strong person rather than a coward.

Many senior managers in my school and at DH's work (software, high salaries) are fathers. Many have taken days off for stuff like this. It's completely normal