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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my husband to help me

166 replies

Bluffysummers · 06/04/2022 10:11

I have an ebf 3 month old and a 2 year old with a tummy bug.

I have caught said bug and I feel like I’m dying, I feel like I’m going to vomit so far only managing small sips of water to get me through the day. I feel so weak I can barely lift the baby to feed him. Got a temp and the shakes.
Baby isn’t a great napper and I can’t co sleep and tbh with how I feel it’s not safe.

Would it be unreasonable for DH to take the day off work?

Plot twist it’s his 3rd day in a brand new role that’s a big pay rise so he thinks it will make him look bad. Which It probably would, but honestly I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus.

Aibu to still want dh to take the day off?

We’ve got no friends or family that could or would help out. There is no one else

OP posts:
OutingHobby · 06/04/2022 11:47

His bosses response was ‘your wife doesn’t work for me, her illness is not this businesses problem’. DH stayed off anyway thank god. What a narrow minded thing to say. It's not about you being ill it's about someone having to look after your son.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 06/04/2022 11:47

can't he just be honest with the employer about whats happening! O honestly wouldn't care about looking bad

I started a new job and my daughter and me got that vomiting bug on my 2nd day! I was worried about looking bad or whatever - but what an you do about it

I don't know how you are managing I was bed bound and unable to look after my 1 year old - I just couldnt

Turningpurple · 06/04/2022 11:47

@Mummy1608

I can see im in the minority but i dont like the compromise options. I actually think it looks worse to an employer if you're distracted, logging off early, away from keyboard between meetings. The employer might think he's always like this. I think taking the day off properly with an explanation is better and manages expectation. If you're in work, work properly, otherwise take the day off.

But it's eye opening how I'm in the minority as most friends and colleagues I know IRL would do this. Maybe it's locational?

I think its more probably to do with companies and roles.
rossclare · 06/04/2022 11:50

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timeisnotaline · 06/04/2022 11:50

I’d expect him to take some time off today actually. A decent work place would understand and it’s excellent male role modelling. I took most of my first day of a new job off for a funeral, work was great about it.
If he doesn’t help you to be not lying in sick I’d be fucking mad. If he were in the office he’d be all stopping for chats and going for coffee. He can take 20 minutes and help you clean up.
And after work he needs to 1. take over with the dc, 2. Offer you drinks and light food and change the sheets

  1. Monitor baby for signs of illness and be prepared to take baby to hospital - d&v can strike quickly, you are dehydrated and not best placed to keep baby hydrated so the risk they need medical care is raised, and it’s his job evening and overnight to monitor that.
If he doesn’t take work time off,
stuntbubbles · 06/04/2022 11:55

@rossclare

You are too sick to lift the baby to your breast to breastfeed and yet you are able to post on Mumsnet??!
I’ve got D&V today too, I’m off work and feel atrocious. Also posting on Mumsnet. Horizontally, one eye cracked open, using my thumbs.

Posting on the internet when poorly: easy! Looking after a toddler and EBF baby when poorly: very difficult!

Poorly people don’t have to perform illness for it to be real, like putting on a croaky voice when you call in sick to work. We’re also allowed to watch TV, or seek help/advice/solidarity from a parenting website.

Iamkmackered1979 · 06/04/2022 11:59

You poor soul, set your self up in your room with baby and toddler basin and a jug of sugary diluting juice to sip for you husband can feed your 2 year old and clean up your kitchen sick pop baby into basket and he’ll need to lift baby for you to feed. Honestly you’d think seeing your wife so poorly he’d WANT to help and at least explain to his boss that you’ve got a tiny baby and toddler otherwise you could just sleep. It’s also v common for little ones to continue to have loose poo following a bug - my nephew was intolerant to dairy for a good while after until my sister cut it out and loose poo stopped. You can get probiotics to help with her tummy op once you’re feeling better. My 3rd son was on them as a baby/toddler

Hope you’re feeling better soon and this passes & husband steps up. Mine used to buffer off to bed when Ill must be nice. He’d give it to me then off to work he’d go leaving me with 3 under 5 whilst feeling like death. His work are pretty good too (police) but as he’d been off sick he didn’t ever want to stay off to help me. I can’t remember the last time I went to bed whilst I’ll and just rested

SockFluffInTheBath · 06/04/2022 12:09

@MiniTheMinx

Put the TV on, get baby and toddler and sit down on the sofa. With some towels and a bucket. There is absolutely no excuse for a grown up to be vomiting on beds and floors.

I have been in your position, sick and caring for two sick children whilst their father worked 14 hr days out of the house. Its not fun, of course it isn't, but it will pass.

And I think your husband is doing the right thing. When you are feeling better you might also agree with him. Its easy to be irrational and emotional when you feel sick. Hope you feel better soon.

I’d agree with this, and harsh as it sounds get off your phone/tablet as screens don’t help when you’re feeling green. Most if have been there OP, it’s really shitty and makes you consider divorce, but it will pass Flowers
SummerInSun · 06/04/2022 12:32

I'm in the "he just can't do that on day 3 of a new job" camp. You say in the old job he would have done it like a flash, so he's obviously normally a supportive DH who steps up. Trust his judgment here - first impressions are incredibly important in new jobs. I'm a very family friendly boss, but if someone bailed on day 3 due for that reason I would really be second guessing whether it was true or not and had I hired the right person, because there hasn't been time to build up that trust relationship.

And as someone who is the larger breadwinner in our house, I think Mumsnet posters often don't fully understand or appreciate the incredible pressure that comes with being responsible for the majority (or all of the family finances). It sounds like the new role is a huge opportunity and he doesn't want to jeopardise that.

But I really sorry you are having such an utterly miserable day.

Minikievs · 06/04/2022 12:44

I don't think he should take a day off.
Yes, he could make you a drink etc while he's making himself one but at the end of the day, he's at work. Whether he's wfh or in the office, he's at work. Three days into a new role.

It's (hopefully) only one day, til 6pm or similar presumably. This sounds harsh but suck it up. Stick toddler in front of tv and just sit with baby and a bucket. Maybe get off your phone and try and rest?

MayMorris · 06/04/2022 12:47

Is it’s new role same company, in which case it’s fine for him to expect some flexibility
I think something along lines of maybe take it as holiday…he’ll be working through day for key meetings and doing as much as he can, but they need to know he’ll be having sleeping baby in “office” to give you chance to sleep, and will need to duck out as and when he needs to look after you and baby

If it’s a new company I think it depends on his parental leave policy. He’s entitled to take it off. It’s about it being an “option” for him not to, rather than a decision that regrettably HAS to be made. Think of it this way- if it was you or another mother would you expect your spouse to be dealing with looking after a baby whilst he had S&D let alone breastfeeding? I doubt it.

whynotwhatknot · 06/04/2022 12:47

the ignoring you bit is cruel youre throwing up and he wont even help

Motnight · 06/04/2022 12:49

The ignoring bit isn't nice. Are you asking him for help when he's actually in a meeting?
!

GlamorousHeifer · 06/04/2022 12:50

For God's sake get a bucket/bowl and put it next to the bed.....no reason to be vomiting on the furniture Hmm
If your husband can't/won't take the day of you have to make things easier for yourself so clearly running to the loo isn't working.
Get of your phone/Tabley, they won't be helping with the nausea.
Hope you're better soon!

GeminiTwin · 06/04/2022 13:04

@Bluffysummers

He seems to be back to back meetings and I’ve just been sick on my kitchen floor. Couldn’t make to to my loo… ffs
Could you have not made it to the kitchen sink?

It's shit timing, but I think 3 days into a new job and he says to his manager 'I can't come in my wife is has S&D probably won't cut it. Especially being 3 days in. But you're not unreasonable to want him to stay at home.

But yeah.. not 3 days in unfortunately.

Moody123 · 06/04/2022 13:08

It's not very good timing, but illness never is ... I would ask DH to let work know his wife is unwell and he may be away from his desk when you need assistance ...
Honestly I doubt they would any an eyelid

ManAlive24 · 06/04/2022 13:11

@GlamorousHeifer

For God's sake get a bucket/bowl and put it next to the bed.....no reason to be vomiting on the furniture Hmm If your husband can't/won't take the day of you have to make things easier for yourself so clearly running to the loo isn't working. Get of your phone/Tabley, they won't be helping with the nausea. Hope you're better soon!
Agree with this. Scrolling on MN will be making it worse. And vomming everywhere is grim.
MissMaple82 · 06/04/2022 13:12

Under the new job circumstances yes you're being unreasonable. Plough on. As a single mum I had no choice but to plough on through many illnesses.

Kanfuzed123 · 06/04/2022 13:14

To all those who are saying ‘could you not have made it to the sink’ don’t be sick on the floor. Ffs who chooses to be sick on the floor if they can avoid it, esp when they have to clean it up.

cantbecoping · 06/04/2022 13:15

You are vomiting on the bed and can't move yet can post on Mumsnet and quote everyone arguing your point?

Hugasauras · 06/04/2022 13:18

It's rotten, I had Norovirus before Xmas and it was coming out both ends. Just try to achieve the bare minimum, TV on and endless snacks for your toddler. Get a bowl to have beside you for times you can't make it to loo.

And yes I would expect DH to spend every second he feasibly could helping us, so between meetings, break times, etc. and the second he finishes work he would be taking both kids. When I had Noro he also did overnight with toddler DD. It's a wretched time but they usually pass quickly and the first 24-36 hours is the worst.

Horst · 06/04/2022 13:18

First 3 days are impression time and wfh means it’s all written or over a screen. You can’t cage the humour or tones as well.

You need a bucket and a big glass of water. Puking on floors and beds rather than getting a bucket or bowl after the first time is odd.

LampLighter414 · 06/04/2022 13:19

I'm sure you will all survive fine for a few hours in the morning and afternoon for the next couple days. DH can help before and after work and at lunch and if he has spare 5 mins grab you things and stuff.

Naunet · 06/04/2022 13:20

@MissMaple82

Under the new job circumstances yes you're being unreasonable. Plough on. As a single mum I had no choice but to plough on through many illnesses.
But she’s not a single mum, is she? If he was a single dad he’d have to manage too, but he’s not.
WifeMotherWorkRepeat · 06/04/2022 13:21

I feel for you but 3 days into a new job is too soon for your DH to take time off.
Also you’re active on Mumsnet posting and replying to PP… you can’t be that ill!

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