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AIBU?

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Original poster

Teacher thinks DS needs to cut hair to avoid bullying

393 replies

calmama · 06/04/2022 09:49

Very upset. DS is 5 and has always been a sensitive boy. Gravitates towards girls and has some (traditionally) feminine (as well as some very masculine) interests. He has long, curly hair and big blue eyes. Has been mistaken for a girl since birth irrespective of dressing in typical "boy" clothes.

His teacher has just now brought up that she is worried he will be bullied because apparently the other kids at school think he's a girl. She's suggested he cut his hair. DH is all for it. I am not, pure and simply because he doesn't want to! DH has pushed many times and he just doesn't want to. I also don't think he should have to masculinise his interests just because he may or may not be bullied.

Ultimately, I am obviously horrified at the prospect of him being bullied, but am struggling to understand why he should have to change who he is to fit some kind of stereotype. Don't know what to do, but I am very, very upset about all this.

AIBU to think this is crazy? It's 2022. WTAF?

OP posts:
AllThingsServeTheBeam · 07/04/2022 19:32

@cherish123

While the teacher is not being PC and should not be right, please listen to the teacher. I've seen this so often. You don't want DS to be miserable.
You must work in really shit schools.
phoenixrosehere · 07/04/2022 19:33

Sorry, but never mind the 'be yourself' comments, and get it cut. Kids can be vicious and he will stand out if his hair is different.

Never mind your comment! Kids can be vicious because people like yourself allow them to be! What is the point of teaching children to be respectful and to be kind to each other regardless of looks if you’re also telling them they have to conform to some ridiculous standard so they don’t get bullied.

Simonjt · 07/04/2022 19:33

@cherish123

While the teacher is not being PC and should not be right, please listen to the teacher. I've seen this so often. You don't want DS to be miserable.
So you would advise Sikh and Jewish children to only attend Sikh/Jewish schools?
Ritasdaughter1969 · 07/04/2022 19:41

Apologies if this has been said before I have read all op post's. You mention that your husband has long hair, do you think your son is trying to be like his dad? Would he be willing to cut his hair to see if your son has a change of heart?

I know only too well that schools are full of bullies and whilst the teachers have procedures in place in my experience the effectiveness leaves alot to be desired. My advice would be let your son be himself but keep a close eye on any signs of bullying and use everything in your arsenal if the worst happens and do it quickly.

Good luck x

Guineapigssweak · 07/04/2022 19:43

Your son has a boy bun? Did you want a girl but got a boy instead?

LaMariposa · 07/04/2022 19:51

My 5yo son is desperate for long hair, like his best friend (and his best friends daddy) Long hair on boys is very cool apparently.

fluffiny31 · 07/04/2022 19:51

I remember taking a child to a nursery once that I worked with. He had all nutrition through an ng tube as well as other problems that made him stand out. The teacher at school pulled me to one side and said the ng tube is attracting too much attention of him being different and she advised him take it out before nursery as he didn't need a feed whilst there. We'll let me tell you she never asked again. My reply was how about you teach the children that everyone is different and that ok, be kind to everyone. I also asked her if she would like a tube stuck up her nose and into her stomach every single day just because you are following the looks of society. That teacher should be teaching the children that hair length is not important. My daughter use to say girls can't have short hair. Why can't they if it's what they like.

EliyanahM · 07/04/2022 19:53

@Guineapigssweak

Your son has a boy bun? Did you want a girl but got a boy instead?
Found the bully.
Mamamama212 · 07/04/2022 20:00

I would be reporting this teacher to the Head! That's actually discusting for her to say. How dare she.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 07/04/2022 20:01

@Guineapigssweak

Your son has a boy bun? Did you want a girl but got a boy instead?
I hope to god you've not got kids. You are the problem. Do you realise that? Please don't breed.
Mamamama212 · 07/04/2022 20:01

@Guineapigssweak

Your son has a boy bun? Did you want a girl but got a boy instead?
Wow, troll!!!
itsgettingweird · 07/04/2022 20:05

I'd be tempted to email the teacher thanking them for their suggestions re ds changing his appearance to prevent bullying.

Followed by asking if she was being bullied in her workplace would she be willing to change her appearance and personality to prevent it?

Adding that instead of following a route if making your ds more unhappy HH forcing him to be and look like someone he's not you'd like a copy of their anti bullying policy to make sure they are following it correctly. And of course so you can check part of it states that the victim should be the one to change their behaviour.

I'd be quite gentle about it but leave them no questions that I did not agree with them victim blaming.

Hope your ds is ok. Being bullied is horrible and so damaging

QueenoftheFarts · 07/04/2022 20:36

If your son has a strong opinion on it then you need to go with what he wants.

Both my boys had long hair, extraordinarily long, and while I reminded them that if they chose to have long hair the consequences might be some mean comments, or being mistaken for girls, ultimately it was their choice.

Neither of them was ever bullied by another child for it, although they were misgendered a few times but really didn't care. One WAS bullied by an adult in a position of authority who was a knob and should have known better... but I soon sorted that by being a complete arsehole In return.

One of my kids, (long blonde hair and blue eyes), was as macho as can be and the other, liked to wear tutus and steal my shoes. They are both very comfortable as adults and not in the slightest bit confused or traumatised.

The eldest raised a load of money for the princess trust and donated his hair when he finally cut it which was lovely.

Let your son be.

Creameggs223 · 07/04/2022 20:43

Very odd for a teacher to say he might be bullied wonder if she tells ginger's to dye their hair kids how we're glasses to take them off etc just incase they get bullied.
I wouldn't worry about it untill/if it happens then I would expect the teacher to address the bully not tell you to get dc hair cut.

Babar100 · 07/04/2022 20:53

I think if your son wants his hair long then as long as it’s tidy at school then of course he should be able to have it that way without being bullied or judged by the teacher.

As to why he wants it that way, is it a genuine preference that came purely from him or did you guys just decide it looked nice and that you wouldn’t cut it from the age where he couldn’t care less about his hair and thus that’s what he’s used to and why he doesn’t want to change it? 🤷‍♀️

It doesn’t matter but i do wonder how much non-conformity prior to teenage years actually stems from the parents without them even realising.

LakieLady · 07/04/2022 21:06

Surely, this is like victim blaming but before the event?

What sort of message wiil this send, implying that being different is to open yourself up to bullying? If bullying happens, the teacher needs to address it with the perpetrators, surely?

Teachers should be showing children that difference and diversity are positive things, imo.

Cait33 · 07/04/2022 21:07

You need to complain about this teacher OP. Does she also tell the parents of kids with glasses to stop wearing their specs? Redheads to dye their hair? Totally unacceptable and as others have said, indicative of the school not having a zero tolerance on bullying.

MyCatIsAJerk · 07/04/2022 23:57

I had long, luxurious, beautiful hair when I was little, and the tears every morning to go with it when my mum brushed the tangles out.

At five, when I started school, she took me to her stylist and had it all cut off into a rather unattractive pixie — I wasn’t consulted, because I was five.

The haircut was 98% for my mum, 2% for me.
I survived, and if it’ll make your son’s life easier, I suspect a haircut will not be life-threatening.

Mamanyt · 08/04/2022 00:13

Remind the teacher that bullying is the fault and responsibility of the bullier, not the other way around. Also remind her that you expect her to take action should it occur while he is in her charge.

milkyaqua · 08/04/2022 00:33

@calmama

It's always tied up in a bun. I can't see how this affects the teacher.
Your five-year old wears a man bun? I see why she's concerned.
safclass · 08/04/2022 00:40

As an ex early years teacher I would never have suggested a child gets their haircut. However going with that, you then have to accept that children may be confused. I taught a young boy with a very strong obvious male name, who had beautiful thick long curlyish hair. Other children , boys in particular did think he was a girl. He had a party and a parent came to see me. She checked that David was a boy, I sort of said what?surprised by the question. She replied that when she asked her son what they should buy David for his birthday he replied a Barbie? Thought it was strange, questioned her son why. 'Because she's a girl'. There was no bullying , he was well liked but there was definite confusion.

VashtaNerada · 08/04/2022 00:45

I’m a teacher and there is no way I’d be telling a parent to cut their child’s hair Shock I’ve taught a few long-haired boys and they’ve never been bullied for it, styles are different to when I was young. And even if they were bullied I’d deal with the bully not ask the victim to change.

DeeCeeCherry · 08/04/2022 02:18

The teacher should deal with the bullying, not tell the victim of bullying to change to suit the bullies.

Teacher is plain stupid.

Suppose he cuts his hair then he's bullied for something else? What else will teacher want him to change, in the hope that they stop? Bullies pick on particular people, they don't just suddenly stop because you try to conform to what they want in some way.

The parents who say they'd do 'anything' to stop their child being bullied need to realise often there isn't anything you can do - except don't be that cowardly parent - approach the school, stand up for your child.

I'd have thought teacher is on very shaky ground in this day and age implying that a boy should look more masculine/only girls should have long hair.

I'm sceptical about all the 'I thought he was a girl' comments upthread about boys with long hair, either. Maybe momentarily but once you know and/or speak to them you know very well they're not girls. As do your children, who see them almost every day.

Long hair tied back should be acceptable whether on a boy or girl. Teacher needs to do their job, which includes addressing any bullying that occurs.

DontLookBackInAnger1 · 08/04/2022 02:23

I would do anything to help my child avoid bullying. Bullying has long lasting effects and if cutting his hair made it less likely, I would.

Even if he's not already, if he hangs with the girls and is often confused for a girl, then there's a good chance the kids will tease him. Is that what you want? You can't change social norms solo, nor is it right to make your child be the one who goes against social norms at his own expense.

Let him fit in a bit. Cut his hair.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 08/04/2022 06:39

@DontLookBackInAnger1

I would do anything to help my child avoid bullying. Bullying has long lasting effects and if cutting his hair made it less likely, I would.

Even if he's not already, if he hangs with the girls and is often confused for a girl, then there's a good chance the kids will tease him. Is that what you want? You can't change social norms solo, nor is it right to make your child be the one who goes against social norms at his own expense.

Let him fit in a bit. Cut his hair.

Against his wishes?