Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teacher thinks DS needs to cut hair to avoid bullying

393 replies

calmama · 06/04/2022 09:49

Very upset. DS is 5 and has always been a sensitive boy. Gravitates towards girls and has some (traditionally) feminine (as well as some very masculine) interests. He has long, curly hair and big blue eyes. Has been mistaken for a girl since birth irrespective of dressing in typical "boy" clothes.

His teacher has just now brought up that she is worried he will be bullied because apparently the other kids at school think he's a girl. She's suggested he cut his hair. DH is all for it. I am not, pure and simply because he doesn't want to! DH has pushed many times and he just doesn't want to. I also don't think he should have to masculinise his interests just because he may or may not be bullied.

Ultimately, I am obviously horrified at the prospect of him being bullied, but am struggling to understand why he should have to change who he is to fit some kind of stereotype. Don't know what to do, but I am very, very upset about all this.

AIBU to think this is crazy? It's 2022. WTAF?

OP posts:
QuinkWashable · 06/04/2022 18:40

By all means prepare them. I'm preparing mine by encouraging resilience rather than scared compliance I have to say.

TDCtomorrow · 06/04/2022 18:52

Don't tell him to cut his hair.
Back in my day boys with long hair were popular in rock culture and a few of my friends still long hair.
As long as they don't give a toss what people think bollocks to them

TAKESNOSHITSHIRLEY · 06/04/2022 19:53

i home educate and im very against and dont agree with schools and the whole old fashioned Victorian systems(and i have mild ODD) so im bias but i would be nipping this in the bud, her opinion dont mean shit and this would really get my back up(hence the ODD)

what a old fashioned opinion she has considering all the new pronouns that's around today and even infant schools are doing it(i know a 4 y old in reception that identifies as they/them and is gender neutral ,yes at 4)

tell her opinions are like arseholes ,everyone has one

your sons hair is his choice and it will stay the way he wants.

attitudes like this is one of the many reasons i dont agree with schools as teachers think they can dictate every aspect of your life

IamAporcupine · 06/04/2022 20:03

what a old fashioned opinion she has considering all the new pronouns that's around today and even infant schools are doing it(i know a 4 y old in reception that identifies as they/them and is gender neutral ,yes at 4)

Hmm
avocadotofu · 06/04/2022 20:08

I'm really surprised his teacher has said this to you. I'm a teacher and I have two boys in my class with long hair. The other children know they are boys and never tease them. If it did start happening we would talk about it as a class. Gender stereotypes are awful and should be challenged. It makes me really sad that adults have such outdated notions in the 21st century!

Thumpkin · 06/04/2022 20:56

I think the focus for the teacher should be on dealing with the shitty kids who might do the bullying, rather than asking you to take yours for a hair cut. What does she want parents to to do? Remove bullying factors as they arise so the bullies have no temptations? Jeez.

rollerblind · 06/04/2022 21:01

Not sure why you asked for opinions as you are very fixed in your view. Poor kid constantly being mistaken for a girl.

Zonder · 06/04/2022 21:18

It wasn't a school rule, @NeverDropYourMooncup it was a MN poster's rule. I've not seen girls having to wear their hair up in the school's my children went to. Lots of girls wore their hair down.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 06/04/2022 21:30

@rollerblind

Not sure why you asked for opinions as you are very fixed in your view. Poor kid constantly being mistaken for a girl.
Poor kid indeed. Imagine being mistaken for a girl! The fucking horror
Trampitt · 06/04/2022 21:41

"Right. So if you had a girl would you make her have her hair cut really short?"

The "So" makes me think you deliberately compose a non sequitur there.

Eightiesfan · 06/04/2022 22:07

I’d ignore the teacher and listen to your son. She is projecting her own thoughts onto the other children. When my DS2 was in year 1 or 2, a couple of the boys in after-school club were always dressing-up in princess dresses and running around saying they were “ladies” in Little Britain style. I was more concerned about them being familiar with the tv show than the fact they were both in frilly dresses! My point is none of the children batted an eyelid, and they were not bullied or made fun of.

RedScarfJamjar · 06/04/2022 22:55

@rollerblind

Not sure why you asked for opinions as you are very fixed in your view. Poor kid constantly being mistaken for a girl.
Nowt wrong with being a girl.

That's got ot be up there with "time for a big boy haircut".

What on Earth did we do before we established which haircuts were for boys or for girls?

greenmeansNogo · 06/04/2022 23:10

@RedScarfJamjar there is nothing wrong with being a girl, but he's not a girl. He's boy.

thirdfiddle · 06/04/2022 23:20

I'd ask the teacher what they were doing in school to counter stereotyping so there wouldn't be any bullying.

I'd advise him against wearing a pinafore; but loads of boys have long hair and it seems to me very silly to say he shouldn't. The only reason I keep suggesting a cut to DS is that he refuses to keep it tidy or indeed ever comb it (he's 12 so I can't exactly do it for him!).

Honestly, it's reception, they'll get the hang of him being a boy soon enough. They're more interested in who gets to the trikes first at outdoor play than what sex another child is. Careless stereotyping, yes; malice very unlikely in this age group.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 06/04/2022 23:22

@Trampitt

"Right. So if you had a girl would you make her have her hair cut really short?"

The "So" makes me think you deliberately compose a non sequitur there.

Simple yes or no answer though isn't it.
AllThingsServeTheBeam · 06/04/2022 23:23

[quote greenmeansNogo]@RedScarfJamjar there is nothing wrong with being a girl, but he's not a girl. He's boy. [/quote]
And in which rule book does it say you can't be a boy with long hair?

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 06/04/2022 23:34

Male or female, buns in the hair arent particularly "cool" at the mo. Perhaps that was what she meant,

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/04/2022 10:09

Strictlyfanoftenyears

Male or female, buns in the hair arent particularly "cool" at the mo. Perhaps that was what she meant,“

Gareth Bale copes Grin

Nomoreusernames1244 · 07/04/2022 10:17

*I think parents should raise and prepare their children for the world we actually live in, as opposed to the one they wish or feel we should live in.

This is wise advice*

Again, Ruby Bridges. Would you still want to be living in that world? If her parents had raised her to prepare for the world we live in, when would anything have changed.

I think the exact opposite. Raise and prepare your children for the world you wish them to live in.

RegardingMary · 07/04/2022 12:13

I'd be very politely explaining to the teacher that if your son gets bullied she needs to be taking firm stance against the bullies and not expecting your child to conform to what a group of 5 year old deem as the societal norm.

Simonjt · 07/04/2022 12:38

@MrsSkylerWhite

Strictlyfanoftenyears

Male or female, buns in the hair arent particularly "cool" at the mo. Perhaps that was what she meant,“

Gareth Bale copes Grin

As do Sikhs!
LuaDipa · 07/04/2022 12:52

It’s not uncommon nowadays for boys to have long hair. I would be very concerned about a teacher wanting a child to change themselves in order to prevent bullying and I would be reporting the conversation to the head. That sort of attitude is toxic.

Chasingaftermidnight · 07/04/2022 13:00

I grew up with parents who were very controlling of every aspect of my appearance and behaviour, including my clothes and hair, and I think it really affected me long term. I don’t think I really understood that my body belonged to me and me only until I was much older.

It would have been so much healthier for me to hear ‘it’s your hair, you can wear it how you like.’

So in short I think you’re doing the right thing.

IceVolcanoes · 07/04/2022 16:45

@Nomoreusernames1244

*I think parents should raise and prepare their children for the world we actually live in, as opposed to the one they wish or feel we should live in.

This is wise advice*

Again, Ruby Bridges. Would you still want to be living in that world? If her parents had raised her to prepare for the world we live in, when would anything have changed.

I think the exact opposite. Raise and prepare your children for the world you wish them to live in.

We are contributing to the creation of the world we want her children to grow up in. If we reinforce stereotypes and tell them to keep their heads down because no one can change bullies, we are (re) creating that world fir them.

We need to prepare them to be better. Not aim for the lowest common denominator, recreate all the problems we dislike and call it ‘pragmatism’.

FoodieLexie · 07/04/2022 17:55

So where does it stop? Is he meant to cut his hair. Then pretend he likes cars. (Or football or whatever.) Then he can’t talk about his feelings.

The best way (the only way) to bully-proof a child is to give them confidence and inner strength. Cutting your son’s hair - if he doesn’t want that - will do the opposite.

My 15 year old son has always had long hair - it’s kind of his trademark. Never been bullied.

Swipe left for the next trending thread