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AIBU?

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Original poster

Teacher thinks DS needs to cut hair to avoid bullying

393 replies

calmama · 06/04/2022 09:49

Very upset. DS is 5 and has always been a sensitive boy. Gravitates towards girls and has some (traditionally) feminine (as well as some very masculine) interests. He has long, curly hair and big blue eyes. Has been mistaken for a girl since birth irrespective of dressing in typical "boy" clothes.

His teacher has just now brought up that she is worried he will be bullied because apparently the other kids at school think he's a girl. She's suggested he cut his hair. DH is all for it. I am not, pure and simply because he doesn't want to! DH has pushed many times and he just doesn't want to. I also don't think he should have to masculinise his interests just because he may or may not be bullied.

Ultimately, I am obviously horrified at the prospect of him being bullied, but am struggling to understand why he should have to change who he is to fit some kind of stereotype. Don't know what to do, but I am very, very upset about all this.

AIBU to think this is crazy? It's 2022. WTAF?

OP posts:
Mitzimccormack · 07/04/2022 17:55

When my son was 5 and at a Montessori nursery his best friend was Charley. Charley had a long pony tail, and wore very pretty gold sandals. My boy was invited to tea at their house, and I drove him there. The nursery was in Limehouse, and the address was in Hackney. It was in the old Hackney not the fashionable bit. OMG. Cars up on bricks, black bags in the windows, lots of empty property. When we got to house dad opened the door, and was a huge chap with a massive beard, a bikers jacket and the biggest boots I have ever seen on a human. Charley was his boy. And neither of them, nor mum thought it strange that he liked long hair and gold shoes. I was a bit surprised only because he was so pretty I just assumed he was a girl, but at 5 none of us thought any more of it. That was 25 years ago so I think if it was ok back in the dark ages its more than ok now.

howrudeforme · 07/04/2022 18:11

Ds had a best friend that age with long curly hair and a pretty face. That child was never bullied.

My ds in summer went to nursery in sandals and painted toenails. No one commented. He kept his hair fairly long and my dm used hair clips to keep it off his face.

If your ds wants to keep his hair - let him. It’s down to the school to stop any bullying.

Keep an eye out on how he’s feeling at school.

PlntLady · 07/04/2022 18:15

I was bullied in school for all sorts of reasons. Honestly, if someone decides to bully your son they will find a reason. All this does is show that the school has no confidence in it's own ability to handle these type of situations. Surely schools should be encouraging diversity and inclusion, not conformity to essentially make their job easier.

Tigofigo · 07/04/2022 18:17

My DNephew has always had long hair. He's 11 now and has never been bullied. He does go to a very middle class school though in a nice area, and long hair suits him.

My DS was never bullied when he had long hair either, but that was only till around 7.

The teacher is being ridiculous.

Yesha26 · 07/04/2022 18:18

The issue is the other children need to be spoken to, it’s hair for goodness sake and most definitely shouldn’t even be a reason to bully another child, I say definitely keep his long hair!

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 07/04/2022 18:22

My youngest son has long ginger hair and at almost 10 has never once been bullied for his hair. He doesn’t want it cut either.

Blinkingheckythump · 07/04/2022 18:27

@calmama

I'm not sure why some posters are trying to trip me up by saying they can't believe this has actually happened. I definitely can't believe it has happened but why would I make this up? For shits and giggles?

Or about ME not wanting to cut it, when I've clearly said it's HE who doesn't want to cut it.

Or the old "do you let him do whatever he wants to do" crap. My husband pulled that crap on me just now too. Asking if I would let him smoke a joint too if he wanted to. It's bloody hair! He's not jumping off a cliff, vandalising property or carjacking. If kids can't have any say at all in how they express themselves then we end up with a world full of repressed lemmings.

Has your husband never heard of body autonomy?! Fgs it's his hair, it's his choice. And how ridiculous to compare a hairstyle choice to something that affects his health and is illegal. drama llama much?!
Diamondsareforever123 · 07/04/2022 18:29

Well if he's happy with his hair - and you are SURE of that - then no don't get it cut. There are loads of boys who have long hair. Seems to me that the bullies have picked on him - perhaps his hair gave them something to latch onto - but they may have bullied him for something else. I would have a serious talk with the teacher about this issue, she's taking the easy option. What if you get his hair cut and the bullying continues? I mean can you imagine, he has his hair cut, then the bullies start picking on him about that? I really think that schools should take more responsibility with this bullying shit.

Justonemoretouch · 07/04/2022 18:31

I liked my nursery school aged son's long hair and do did he, (he also being afraid of going into a hairdresser) however when he progressed into primary school he was bullied a lot. I decided to get his hair cut a bit to make his life easier. He had a screaming tantrum when he heard we were going to get his hair cut and threw himself down on the pavement screaming to the extent that someone (another parent at the school) came out of their house to speak to me and told me off roundly for going againt my son's wishes. I explained it was largely centred on his fear of going into a hairdressers for the first time, with the setup looking intimidating to him. I explained once he had faced his fear he would no doubt be fine. By that time my son was embarrassed by the scene he'd made and his schoolfriend's dad coming out so he got up and we proceeded to the hairdressers where he got his hair cut without further ado and no more upset. Now, many years later, he says he was bullied for having long hair which he didn't even want!! He has no memory of the tantrum or trauma of his first professional haircut.

Anon778833 · 07/04/2022 18:32

YANBU. And I find it offensive that the teacher has decided he's going to get bullied. It's very rude and presumptuous for her to say that to you.

Loads of little boys have quite long hair these days. Also nobody has a problem with it when it's David Beckham.

BeautifulBirds · 07/04/2022 18:32

What a poor effort from the teacher. Change your image to prevent people being nasty to you. How about teach people not to be dicks! Teacher has this round the wrong way!

mibbelucieachwell · 07/04/2022 18:36

I would be Shockat this too OP.
My DS has a lump on his eyelid. It's never bothered him. We got medical advice to the effect that he could probably have it removed if it was bothering him. He did used to get bored by other children asking him what it was but he wasn't unduly upset by it. I think he used to tell them he had a third eye and probably pulled a face intended to be scary. Nevertheless his glamorous HT and the deputy HT told me they thought he should have it removed as he would undoubtedly be bullied when he went to secondary school. Sometimes I wonder if a few teachers give advice based on their own narrow minded prejudices.

Gatehouse77 · 07/04/2022 18:56

Our son had similar in Y4 and his teacher ‘accused’ us of putting our choices ahead of him. Total bollox as it was entirely DS’s choice.
We did talk to him about being visibly ‘different’ because he wasn’t conforming to stereotypes. How to respond to comments and that we would always be there to support his choices.
He kept it long until he was about 16 and started growing it again a few years later.

WTAFhappened123 · 07/04/2022 18:58

Unfortunately this is life now…bullies rule. Kids who are ‘different’ either have to have a ‘don’t care’ attitude or blend in. It’s a sad state of affairs but when bullies aren’t dealt with properly because of soft touch parents or parents who don’t give a s**t then as a parent yourself you have to decide whether to protect them by removing any target or send them out to be a target and deal with bullying as and when. It’s hair not a visible disability so count yourself lucky that you can do something about it!! Some kids aren’t so lucky!!

Faith77 · 07/04/2022 19:00

Is that teacher COMPLETELY oblivious to Jason Momoa?! My answer would probably be to ask what the school's policy is about teaching kindness & dealing with bullying in a non-victim blaming way...

EliyanahM · 07/04/2022 19:02

I wonder if she would say the same to a Sikh or Jewish family?

Bignanny30 · 07/04/2022 19:02

Is this just the teachers opinion or have any of the other kids actually said anything to him. There’s a lad at my granddaughters school ( in her class actually ) with long hair and I’ve never heard anything about him being bullied . I think it looks good because it shows the child’s personality and if/when he wants to cut it that should be his choice.

maddiemookins16mum · 07/04/2022 19:07

@hattie43

I would do anything to stop my child being bullied . If that means shorter hair so be it .
This 100%.
Flopsy145 · 07/04/2022 19:15

Could you give him a man bun/top knot? Keeps the hair long, super cool looking and allows him to be individual

EliyanahM · 07/04/2022 19:17

I can't help but feel this teacher also thinks girls who dress in short skirts are more likely to get sexually assaulted.

Cheetocat · 07/04/2022 19:24

Children have no control over their lives, this is a way for him to have control and express himself, I wouldn't cut it.

bellocchild · 07/04/2022 19:24

Sorry, but never mind the 'be yourself' comments, and get it cut. Kids can be vicious and he will stand out if his hair is different. Years ago, when I worked in a summer play centre, we had one small boy (about 5!) who had pretty ringlets and he took to forcing girls into the boys toilets, to demonstrate that he really wasn't a girl...and of course then the girls' parents complained. We tried talking to mum, but she liked dressing him like Little Lord Fauntleroy, thought he looked sweet. In the end he stopped coming.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 07/04/2022 19:28

@bellocchild

Sorry, but never mind the 'be yourself' comments, and get it cut. Kids can be vicious and he will stand out if his hair is different. Years ago, when I worked in a summer play centre, we had one small boy (about 5!) who had pretty ringlets and he took to forcing girls into the boys toilets, to demonstrate that he really wasn't a girl...and of course then the girls' parents complained. We tried talking to mum, but she liked dressing him like Little Lord Fauntleroy, thought he looked sweet. In the end he stopped coming.
Horrible kids. Instead of standing by why didn't someone stop the nasty gits.
AllThingsServeTheBeam · 07/04/2022 19:29

@maddiemookins16mum so you'd bully him yourself. Nice

cherish123 · 07/04/2022 19:31

While the teacher is not being PC and should not be right, please listen to the teacher. I've seen this so often. You don't want DS to be miserable.

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