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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Teacher thinks DS needs to cut hair to avoid bullying

393 replies

calmama · 06/04/2022 09:49

Very upset. DS is 5 and has always been a sensitive boy. Gravitates towards girls and has some (traditionally) feminine (as well as some very masculine) interests. He has long, curly hair and big blue eyes. Has been mistaken for a girl since birth irrespective of dressing in typical "boy" clothes.

His teacher has just now brought up that she is worried he will be bullied because apparently the other kids at school think he's a girl. She's suggested he cut his hair. DH is all for it. I am not, pure and simply because he doesn't want to! DH has pushed many times and he just doesn't want to. I also don't think he should have to masculinise his interests just because he may or may not be bullied.

Ultimately, I am obviously horrified at the prospect of him being bullied, but am struggling to understand why he should have to change who he is to fit some kind of stereotype. Don't know what to do, but I am very, very upset about all this.

AIBU to think this is crazy? It's 2022. WTAF?

OP posts:

ImNotWhoYouThinkIam · 06/04/2022 14:18

Teenage DS2 used to have long hair, until about 6 months ago. He was bullied. Called a "transgender bitch" despite not being transgender.

Schools solution... "maybe he should cut his hair"
Stern words were had. School reluctantly agreed that wasn't the solution.

User839516 · 06/04/2022 14:21

I think parents should raise and prepare their children for the world we actually live in, as opposed to the one they wish or feel we should live in.

froufroufrou · 06/04/2022 14:23

@User839516

I think parents should raise and prepare their children for the world we actually live in, as opposed to the one they wish or feel we should live in.

THIS 👏👏

Phormiumjester2 · 06/04/2022 14:24

@User839516

I think parents should raise and prepare their children for the world we actually live in, as opposed to the one they wish or feel we should live in.

Prepare them for it, OK. Change them for it, hard no. That's a terrible example to set.

Indiana2021 · 06/04/2022 14:27

21User839516

I think parents should raise and prepare their children for the world we actually live in, as opposed to the one they wish or feel we should live in.

This is wise advice

ExplodingElephants · 06/04/2022 14:27

I would listen to her, kids can be so cruel. The teacher may well have seen other kids getting bullied over similar things.

Simonjt · 06/04/2022 14:30

Has the teacher never met a Sikh? I hope they never teach a Sikh child.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 06/04/2022 14:31

@ExplodingElephants

I would listen to her, kids can be so cruel. The teacher may well have seen other kids getting bullied over similar things.

Then the fucking teacher needs to up her game doesn't she.

MedusasBadHairDay · 06/04/2022 14:32

@User839516

I think parents should raise and prepare their children for the world we actually live in, as opposed to the one they wish or feel we should live in.

And this would be why we have the world we do.

If we want the world to improve (and I presume you would to?) then we need to be the change we want to see.

It's because kids were raised differently to the world of the generation before that we've seen more acceptance of homosexuality etc.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 06/04/2022 14:32

@User839516

I think parents should raise and prepare their children for the world we actually live in, as opposed to the one they wish or feel we should live in.

To conform? Fuck that right off.

JustPlainKnackered · 06/04/2022 14:33

My sons are 17 and 15 and both have very long hair. Oldest boy has had long hair throughout primary and secondary school. There have been some ignorant comments over the years but the boys have never cared. The teacher is pushing exactly the kind of gender stereotypes we should be moving away from by now. I'd raise it with the head.

kerryleigh · 06/04/2022 14:37

if he'll be bothered by what others are saying, he'll ask you to cut his hair.

godmum56 · 06/04/2022 15:23

@User839516

I think parents should raise and prepare their children for the world we actually live in, as opposed to the one they wish or feel we should live in.

And as i have said, that would result in women still being expected to conform to a gender stereotype of "little woman in the house" and being treated like meat by the men who chose to. If parents hadn't brought their daughters and sons up to believe and behave as though this was not the only option, nothing would have changed. To me this is just another way of saying "conform or the bullies will get you"

godmum56 · 06/04/2022 15:24

@Indiana2021

21User839516

I think parents should raise and prepare their children for the world we actually live in, as opposed to the one they wish or feel we should live in.

This is wise advice

no its not its stupid.

Neverreturntoathread · 06/04/2022 15:39

I’m really curious where you live OP (obviously don’t tell me 😂). Round here - very Tory town in South England - I know many boys with ‘girly’ hair. The longest has waist-length hair (age 4) and tbh he does look a bit unusual, but there are many boys here with wild shoulder length hair who tie it back for lessons.

My son also looked very girly ages 4-8 and refused to cut his hair. Also adored pink / hated sport / preferred female friends. Then one day at age 8 his hormones seemed to swerve in a new direction, his shoulder muscles doubled in size, he ditched his female friends, decided he wanted super short hair and acquired a sudden love for rugby 🤷‍♀️

I don’t know anyone who has been bullied for their long hair, certainly DS wasn’t. Kids who are bullied usually either have the bad luck to be in a school where they don’t fit in, or have low self-confidence. I’m afraid I have brought up my son to be a wildly over-confident joker with cool kit and a lotta swagger, and so no children ever commented on his hair (although yes some parents thought he looked girly 😕 and were startled by his pink glitter phase).

Anyway. I wouldn’t cut his hair if he doesn’t want it cut, and I wouldn’t accommodate what sounds like old-fashioned prejudice from the teacher, especially as he isn’t being bullied. I WOULD keep a very close eye on whether he has friends (which at age 5 you need to be sorting out by doing lots of playdates and networking with classmates’ parents even if you don’t like them), whether he has high self confidence, whether he is physically fit, and whether his hair makes him look weird or cool. There’s a big difference between a 1980s rock god and a 1970s dweeb - both may have identical long wild hair but one carries it off and one doesn’t.

Ramble over! Hope that makes sense.

Indiana2021 · 06/04/2022 15:53

24godmum56

Indiana2021

21User839516

I think parents should raise and prepare their children for the world we actually live in, as opposed to the one they wish or feel we should live in.

This is wise advice

no its not its stupid.

It's not stupid.

By all means teach your child to be an individual and tell them how the world should be, however, to not properly prepare them for the school environment they may face, and to not have strategies to manage that isn't good parenting IMHO.

A boy who loves rainbows and unicorns might not raise an eyebrow at 4 or 5. His school life at 9 may be significantly more tough.

It's shit, it's wrong, but equip your child to cope with nastiness from other children, nomatter how much you disagree with it. This teacher may be trying to get this across. The hair I suspect is a red herring.

IamAporcupine · 06/04/2022 17:22

@Indiana2021 - by all means, we have to prepare them to understand that they may encounter nastiness and that not everyone will think/look/behave like them.

But asking them to conform will get them nowhere.

ParsleySageRosemary · 06/04/2022 17:27

What is wrong in Britain now that a boy with long hair cannot walk around without being bullied - and that institutions supposedly dedicated to learning and development in effect support that?!?

What a disgusting country Britain has become.

Trampitt · 06/04/2022 17:44

My five-year old didn't get his own way.

Sometimes he got a haircut when he didn't particularly want one. Same with having a bath.

PinkSyCo · 06/04/2022 17:48

Hmm I’m very sceptical that this actually happened, but it’s definitely one that will bring out the the indignant frothers so bravo OP.

PinkSyCo · 06/04/2022 17:51

By the way I would give my primary age child (boy or girl) buzz cuts if they’d let me….. anything to avoid those pesky nits!

ParsleySageRosemary · 06/04/2022 17:53

My boy had long hair when younger and it attracted comments locally. I’ve also had experience of school teachers and school materials intimating that issues of prejudice are the result of the victim not having the right social skills.

I would also be interested in where the op is located.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 06/04/2022 18:10

@Trampitt

My five-year old didn't get his own way.

Sometimes he got a haircut when he didn't particularly want one. Same with having a bath.

Right. So if you had a girl would you make her have her hair cut really short?

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 06/04/2022 18:10

[quote IamAporcupine]@Indiana2021 - by all means, we have to prepare them to understand that they may encounter nastiness and that not everyone will think/look/behave like them.

But asking them to conform will get them nowhere.[/quote]
This. To say otherwise is the reason the country is the state it's in

Wingsnfly · 06/04/2022 18:15

DS2 had long hair until year 8. Noone cared except the grandparents (and me when he repeatedly got nits). He certainly wasn't bullied. We're in SE London. He eventually got it cut cos he wanted "a sleaker look".

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