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To not go to her wedding when we've already RSVP'd?
270

TMarieClara · 05/04/2022 15:14

Long story short, one of my oldest friends is getting married in May. My husband and I have been invited to the wedding and RSVP'd yes, but I'm now not sure I want to go. It's just over 4 weeks away. Here's the long story:

The bride and I have been friends since school, so over 20 years. We lived together for a few years in our twenties, and she was bridesmaid at my wedding about 6 years ago. However, in the past few years, we've drifted apart. She started cancelling on our plans at the last minute (something I probably find excessively annoying), and I noticed she'd also started making plans with mutual friends (including two she only knows through me) without me. She had NEVER raised any issues with me or said she'd been upset by anything I've done. Basically, she just gave me a slow burn ghosting. Over the years, on a number of occasions, I've tried to rekindle things - told her I missed her, suggested getting together. She's always up for this, then cancels at the last minute.

3 years ago, I had a baby (I told you this was a long story!). I really mourned my old life and found it really hard to cope with feeling like the world was going on without me. I got no support whatsoever from her, nor did she show any interest in meeting my daughter, so I decided I just couldn't see her any more and actively tried to avoid being around her whenever possible. If I came in to see other friends, I wouldn't tell her I was coming. Retrospectively, this probably was a bit petty, but I was really hurt. We were still in a few whatsapp groups together, but never spoke to each other one on one.

This was all made very easy in the pandemic, but then at the end of last summer, I accepted a job that would take me into London again, where she still lives. I decided I should try one more time to rekindle things with one of my oldest friends.

I reached out in a message and said I missed her, that I didn't really understand what had happened, and I'd love to smooth things over. She said I'd done some things to upset her, that I'm willing to accept, though she was very vague about it, but that it was water under the bridge and yes, we should catch up. Of course, she then cancelled on our plans. But she also told me she'd just got engaged, and in the new year, despite us still not seeing each other in 2+ years, she invited us to their wedding this spring.

We have since seen each other for a drink with another friend and it was really lovely, but brief (we'd made dinner plans but surprise surprise she double booked). This weekend I found out she'd had her hen do, and although I sort of knew it was happening and I hadn't been invited, I wasn't prepared for how heartbroken I was. It was devastating to see photos of her and my other friends pop up on social.

I'm now thinking, I don't want to go to the wedding. I feel like I've tried pretty hard to fix things, but not inviting me to her hen do and continually cancelling on me really suggests she doesn't actually care about it. Surely I am just making a fool of myself?

But is it too late to cancel? It's just over 4 weeks away! It wouldn't be designed to be an 'f' you, more a move of self preservation! But I know from experience how stressful weddings are and how rude it is to do this last minute.

OP's posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

PermanentTemporary · 05/04/2022 15:17

I really don't think 4 weeks is last minute, personally. I'd say that there's been a family issue and you can no longer attend. Then block her.

Friendships do end. I think this one is over.

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FinnRussell · 05/04/2022 15:18

YANBU. The friendship is dead. Message her that you wish her a happy day and future but you no longer feel right about joining in with her day.

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Wouldntitbenicetobeinyourshoes · 05/04/2022 15:20

Far too late.
They will have confirmed numbers with the caterers, would leave them out of pocket for meals and mess up the seating plan.
You’ve seen her once in years and she’s invited you to the wedding. The hen do could have been planned for ages (6 months judging by another thread) and may have been organised by the BM.
You are just getting to know each other again, go to the wedding, enjoy the day and see if the friendship moves forward from there.

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Nutsabouttopic · 05/04/2022 15:22

It's not last minute it's four weeks away. If you go you will have other friends there so you can look at it as a lovely day out all dressed up with your husband and friends, good food and drink, a day and night? away for the two of you. If you don't go can you still keep your childcare arrangements and go for a day and night away with just your husband. I would be leaning towards not going because I think you will feel uncomfortable there

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AryaStarkWolf · 05/04/2022 15:23

Fuck her, she didn't invite you to her hen but invited your mutual friends, I wouldn't give a shit if it was late notice or not

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Spooked102 · 05/04/2022 15:26

What @AryaStarkWolf said absolutely

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Ohquietone · 05/04/2022 15:26

I suppose you could look at the wedding being one last shot at rekindling your friendship if you were feeling generous.

I would probably cancel. A month’s notice is fine. It does sound like the relationship is over sadly.

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Idontevenknow · 05/04/2022 15:27

I wouldn't go, the friendship has gone, I think its time to accept that

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PuffinMcStuffin · 05/04/2022 15:27

Yes friendships end having run their natural course, but I think the fact that you've already agreed to go you'd be killing the friendship completely to pull out now.
Just go, have fun, you'll barely talk her at the wedding, and then let it fizzle out afterwards.

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Blossom64265 · 05/04/2022 15:29

She is an old, but distant friend. She invited you to the wedding. You don’t have to be besties to attend. Cancelling would be rude. Weddings have very little interaction with the bride and groom anyway. Be the bigger person here, go and enjoy the party, and it will either be a nice goodbye or help heal the relationship.

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SW1amp · 05/04/2022 15:29

I’d go along and drink her booze and eat her food, and think of it as a final farewell to the friendship

Surely it will be nice to catch up with your other friends who will be there?

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Heracles1000 · 05/04/2022 15:29

They will have confirmed numbers with the caterers, would leave them out of pocket for meals and mess up the seating plan.

There's no way that 4 weeks prior the caterers would expect final numbers.

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CurbsideProphet · 05/04/2022 15:31

I oy had to confirm numbers 14 days before my own wedding, so I wouldn't say 4 weeks was last minute. If you won't enjoy seeing friends and will spend the the day on edge feeling awkward then it doesn't sound like it is worth going.

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PigeonLittle · 05/04/2022 15:32

@PermanentTemporary

I really don't think 4 weeks is last minute, personally. I'd say that there's been a family issue and you can no longer attend. Then block her.

Friendships do end. I think this one is over.

This is what I'd do.
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Turningpurple · 05/04/2022 15:34

@Heracles1000

They will have confirmed numbers with the caterers, would leave them out of pocket for meals and mess up the seating plan.

There's no way that 4 weeks prior the caterers would expect final numbers.

Depends onbthe venue. I used to plans weddings for a hotel. 4 weeks out we would have the table plan and numbers and sent out the bill for the final amount.
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NoSquirrels · 05/04/2022 15:35

If you’ve got mutual friends going, and it will be a fun day out with them, then I’d go. You see the bride & groom so little at a wedding, even though it’s ostensibly “all about them” it really isn’t as a guest!

Then decide what to do after that.

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NeedleNoodle3 · 05/04/2022 15:36

I’m not normally a canceller or friendship ender but in this case i would cancel.

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ENoeuf · 05/04/2022 15:36

I went to a wedding in these circumstances and it was such a waste of my day. They’d all moved on, photos of the hen were circulating, but it wasn’t like new people I’d never met and could ‘get to know’ it was just people who knew we weren’t good friends and who all hung out together. Never again. Never got a thank you for the gifts off the list, she never said goodbye when we left (deliberately left me waiting next to her) and we never speak. So I’d save your £££ and your time and sack it off.

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Hope90x · 05/04/2022 15:37

YANBU however please cancel, like now.

Maybe the wedding stress is all too fresh for me but I got so pissed with people who cancelled for silly exuses last minute - after I had already had the table plans etc printed 😅

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HellToTheNope · 05/04/2022 15:38

I wouldn't even consider going to this wedding. Cancel, forget about her and move on. The friendship is over.

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Scarlettpixie · 05/04/2022 15:39

I don’t think you should have expected a hen do invite if you have only seen her once briefly in years. Presumably the other friends attending had maintained contact.

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LookItsMeAgain · 05/04/2022 15:40

Just as an aside, why haven't you mentioned to your mutual friends that you are upset seeing them in the hen-do photos or out on social nights with Bridezilla? How are they emerging out of this squeaky clean? Do they not ask where you are (particularly the two that Bridezilla knows only through you)?

I wouldn't bother letting her know (because you might decide to change your mind again and actually go). If you do decide not to go to the wedding much closer to the time, make that decision and then after the wedding, if you felt it was necessary, I'd simply send a card saying "Sorry we missed your big day". I'm sure Card Factory or Clintons or Moonpig has something that would work!

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Cavagirl · 05/04/2022 15:41

It was devastating to see photos of her and my other friends pop up on social.

If you cancel, aren't you just going to feel like this all over again when photos of all your mutual friends pop up on SM having a brilliant time at her wedding without you?

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fortheloveofcheesecake · 05/04/2022 15:41

I would cancel. Your friendship is over and you are now just making up the numbers/making her look popular. She's cancelled enough times on you. Just say something's come up and you can no longer attend. Then block. She'll know why and she might even be relieved. You would be flogging a dead friendship horse if you still went.

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JellybeansJelly · 05/04/2022 15:41

@AryaStarkWolf

Fuck her, she didn't invite you to her hen but invited your mutual friends, I wouldn't give a shit if it was late notice or not

Why is it inconceivable that she may actually be friends with the mutual friends, but now just an acquaintance with OP?
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