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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to her wedding when we've already RSVP'd?

270 replies

TMarieClara · 05/04/2022 15:14

Long story short, one of my oldest friends is getting married in May. My husband and I have been invited to the wedding and RSVP'd yes, but I'm now not sure I want to go. It's just over 4 weeks away. Here's the long story:

The bride and I have been friends since school, so over 20 years. We lived together for a few years in our twenties, and she was bridesmaid at my wedding about 6 years ago. However, in the past few years, we've drifted apart. She started cancelling on our plans at the last minute (something I probably find excessively annoying), and I noticed she'd also started making plans with mutual friends (including two she only knows through me) without me. She had NEVER raised any issues with me or said she'd been upset by anything I've done. Basically, she just gave me a slow burn ghosting. Over the years, on a number of occasions, I've tried to rekindle things - told her I missed her, suggested getting together. She's always up for this, then cancels at the last minute.

3 years ago, I had a baby (I told you this was a long story!). I really mourned my old life and found it really hard to cope with feeling like the world was going on without me. I got no support whatsoever from her, nor did she show any interest in meeting my daughter, so I decided I just couldn't see her any more and actively tried to avoid being around her whenever possible. If I came in to see other friends, I wouldn't tell her I was coming. Retrospectively, this probably was a bit petty, but I was really hurt. We were still in a few whatsapp groups together, but never spoke to each other one on one.

This was all made very easy in the pandemic, but then at the end of last summer, I accepted a job that would take me into London again, where she still lives. I decided I should try one more time to rekindle things with one of my oldest friends.

I reached out in a message and said I missed her, that I didn't really understand what had happened, and I'd love to smooth things over. She said I'd done some things to upset her, that I'm willing to accept, though she was very vague about it, but that it was water under the bridge and yes, we should catch up. Of course, she then cancelled on our plans. But she also told me she'd just got engaged, and in the new year, despite us still not seeing each other in 2+ years, she invited us to their wedding this spring.

We have since seen each other for a drink with another friend and it was really lovely, but brief (we'd made dinner plans but surprise surprise she double booked). This weekend I found out she'd had her hen do, and although I sort of knew it was happening and I hadn't been invited, I wasn't prepared for how heartbroken I was. It was devastating to see photos of her and my other friends pop up on social.

I'm now thinking, I don't want to go to the wedding. I feel like I've tried pretty hard to fix things, but not inviting me to her hen do and continually cancelling on me really suggests she doesn't actually care about it. Surely I am just making a fool of myself?

But is it too late to cancel? It's just over 4 weeks away! It wouldn't be designed to be an 'f' you, more a move of self preservation! But I know from experience how stressful weddings are and how rude it is to do this last minute.

OP posts:
2DogsOnMySofa · 05/04/2022 15:43

Sometimes you just have to walk away from friendships that aren't mutually beneficial any longer. 4 weeks isn't too late, I'd cancel and chalk it up to experience

Severntrent · 05/04/2022 15:44

She is an old, but distant friend. She invited you to the wedding. You don’t have to be besties to attend. Cancelling would be rude
This

N4ish · 05/04/2022 15:44

I went to a wedding in similar circumstances despite having massive doubts and I really regretted it. The bride made a point of ignoring me and my partner (walked all around the room thanking people individually for coming and then walked straight past us!) and it was incredibly awkward. She didn't speak to me once during the whole day and we haven't spoken since, felt stupid that I'd made the effort to go the wedding. In your shoes I'd definitely cancel.

Juniper68 · 05/04/2022 15:45

@Scarlettpixie

I don’t think you should have expected a hen do invite if you have only seen her once briefly in years. Presumably the other friends attending had maintained contact.
OP has tried to keep in touch though.

I'd definitely cancel. The other friends are shit too imo. Make new ones.

Responsiveroo · 05/04/2022 15:45

Long story can really be distilled in one sentence

You’re gutted you weren’t invited to the hen do

Despite a few years of her showing that she really isn’t that bothered about you.

I suspect it’s a large wedding and she’s invited people from way back when.

If you fancy having a meal paid for and catching up with other friends and have free childcare sorted - go and enjoy

Otherwise, cancel. But now and not the day before

Blossomandbee · 05/04/2022 15:45

It's not ideal so close to the wedding but she's cancelled on you enough times so you don't owe her anything.
The friendship has clearly run its course and I think you need to accept that not going will be the final nail in the coffin. Probably best you both cut ties from there.

oiwiththepoodlesalready83 · 05/04/2022 15:45

Four weeks is not last minute, my sister was dumped by her boyfriend the morning before my wedding… my sister was more devastated that he’d do this so close to my wedding but i knew exactly who I wanted there instead and by lunch time I had a guest (from the evening do) to take his place.

BeeDavis · 05/04/2022 15:46

I had to confirm my numbers 6 weeks prior so if she’s already done that YABU.

AryaStarkWolf · 05/04/2022 15:47

Why is it inconceivable that she may actually be friends with the mutual friends, but now just an acquaintance with OP?

If she's just an acquaintance why invite her to the wedding at all? Seems like she likes messing the OP around, pretending they're friends and then cancelling on her all the time, inviting her to the wedding and then letting her see photos with all the mutual friends at the Hen she wasn't invited to

chisanunian · 05/04/2022 15:48

4 weeks isn't that short a notice, and considering what it's been like for everyone for the last two years, people have got used to last-minute cancellations anyway.

Don't go.

ladycarlotta · 05/04/2022 15:48

If it weren't going to cause you distress, I would say take the moral highground and go - you'd have fun with your other friends and you'd show her that YOU still show up for her.

But this whole thing is upsetting and painful for you. You'll be happier deciding it's run its course and not making the level of effort for that she will not reciprocate. So don't go. Cancelling with 4 weeks' notice is still a hell of a lot more reasonable than her standing you up repeatedly for years. She'll be able to fill your spot with someone else at this point.

tearinghairout · 05/04/2022 15:50

Well if you're going, you'll have to buy a present! So unless you fancy giving her a jug/cushion/mirror from a charity shop, how do you feel about being ignored by her after spending ££ on a present? I don't think she wants to be close to you anymore- she's shown you that she's moved on.

Atomiccat · 05/04/2022 15:51

@AryaStarkWolf

Fuck her, she didn't invite you to her hen but invited your mutual friends, I wouldn't give a shit if it was late notice or not
This. Why should you care, the friendship isn’t likely to continue anyway. There is no way in hell I would go.
JemimaTiggywinkle · 05/04/2022 15:51

If you have friends going, I would still go and enjoy the social aspect of it. To be honest you don’t usually see much of the bride and groom anyway, it’s more about having fun with the other people you’re sitting with etc.
Understand why you’re upset, but weddings are very emotive, so cancelling last minute might make things more difficult with your mutual friends… depending on what the bride tells them.

FleurDeLizz · 05/04/2022 15:53

I wouldn’t cancel I’d just not show up. The friendship is dead in the water, she’s really not that much of a friend and I would hit her in the pocket but then I can be pretty spiteful. If asked say you had a gippy stomach.

TakeMe2Insanity · 05/04/2022 15:54

I would cancel, and you absolutely need to accept the friendship is over. 4 weeks is enough time for them to find a Z lister to accept your place.

CurzonDax · 05/04/2022 15:55

For all PP saying it's not too late - when I got married, I had my 'final meeting' with my venue 6 weeks before (where final numbers were given etc), and then they sent me an final invoice 48 hours later, that had to be paid within 2 weeks.
So yes, it may be too late, and weddings can cost a fair bit per head. Sadly OP, I doubt you will come across too well in this situation, especially if she moans about you to mutual friends (who end up agreeing with her that £X per head for both you and your DH, is a lot of money).

I'd suggest go - have a good time, even if you don't spend much time with the bride and groom (lots of other guests there, them being away having photos etc), enjoy the event and party, and have a good time, with your other friends who will be going.

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 05/04/2022 15:56

I would do what YOU want to do.

If you'll have mutual friends going, free food and drink. and it'll be a chance for you and your DH to let your hair down - then go, and enjoy it.

If you'd rather stick pins in your eyes, then cancel now.

Responsiveroo · 05/04/2022 15:56

@FleurDeLizz

I wouldn’t cancel I’d just not show up. The friendship is dead in the water, she’s really not that much of a friend and I would hit her in the pocket but then I can be pretty spiteful. If asked say you had a gippy stomach.
Why lower yourself?

They’d not seen each other for more than 2 years and and previously no virtual messaging interaction on the group WhatsApp.

It’s a large wedding no doubt and friends from many years ago invited / not close to. The Op is regarded clearly as one of them.

Why respond by being downright rude. Decline and move on.

ZoyaTheDestroyer · 05/04/2022 15:58

If you cancel it will be the end of your friendship and there will be no coming back. I think you know that, though, and I wonder if there is a little part of you who wants to be the one to deliver the coup de grâce after she ghosted you and then excluded you from her hen.

PinkSyCo · 05/04/2022 16:01

I don’t blame you for being upset with your her and would definitely cancel and move on from this friendship if I were you.

Wouldntitbenicetobeinyourshoes · 05/04/2022 16:03

@Heracles1000

They will have confirmed numbers with the caterers, would leave them out of pocket for meals and mess up the seating plan.

There's no way that 4 weeks prior the caterers would expect final numbers.

Plenty of venues would have confirmed numbers.

My friend confirmed her numbers for May at the end of last month.
All the years I worked in Hotels, many asked for confirmation of numbers from 4-6 weeks ahead of the day.

CrotchetyQuaver · 05/04/2022 16:04

Cancel now using the family problems excuse and it gives them time to find someone to take your place. If they want to. I'd say a win win for both parties. I would certainly bale out myself in this situation.

irishfarmer · 05/04/2022 16:05

I think I would go. You were friends for a long time if you cancel now then that's it. I would distance myself from her for now but it will mean that if you paths did ever cross in say 10 years it would be really hard to rekindle a friendship. Also you will know others there by the sounds of it so go and enjoy yourself. Last wedding I went to I spoke to the bride for less than 5 mins.

Also, for what it's worth depending on where she is getting married she may have already finalised numbers. We had to 6 weeks before the wedding.

CantGetDecentNickname · 05/04/2022 16:07

I had a few people simply not turn up with an "oh sorry" later on. (Haven't seen them in years now).

4 weeks should be ok and you will have the moral high ground since she thinks nothing of cancelling on you at the last minute and you could have done this to her but are too decent. Venue may have wanted final numbers but are always prepared for a few last minute changes especially with Covid and if the couple had any sense they would have taken insurance out in case it needed to be cancelled.

Just send her a nice wedding card with you best wishes and sorry you are no longer able to attend and then remain LC with her. No need for a gift. If she couldn't be specific about anything you'd done and you can't think what you could have done, then you know it was just her being nasty for whatever reason she had at the time and even if she knows she was in the wrong she isn't owning up to it now.