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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not go to her wedding when we've already RSVP'd?

270 replies

TMarieClara · 05/04/2022 15:14

Long story short, one of my oldest friends is getting married in May. My husband and I have been invited to the wedding and RSVP'd yes, but I'm now not sure I want to go. It's just over 4 weeks away. Here's the long story:

The bride and I have been friends since school, so over 20 years. We lived together for a few years in our twenties, and she was bridesmaid at my wedding about 6 years ago. However, in the past few years, we've drifted apart. She started cancelling on our plans at the last minute (something I probably find excessively annoying), and I noticed she'd also started making plans with mutual friends (including two she only knows through me) without me. She had NEVER raised any issues with me or said she'd been upset by anything I've done. Basically, she just gave me a slow burn ghosting. Over the years, on a number of occasions, I've tried to rekindle things - told her I missed her, suggested getting together. She's always up for this, then cancels at the last minute.

3 years ago, I had a baby (I told you this was a long story!). I really mourned my old life and found it really hard to cope with feeling like the world was going on without me. I got no support whatsoever from her, nor did she show any interest in meeting my daughter, so I decided I just couldn't see her any more and actively tried to avoid being around her whenever possible. If I came in to see other friends, I wouldn't tell her I was coming. Retrospectively, this probably was a bit petty, but I was really hurt. We were still in a few whatsapp groups together, but never spoke to each other one on one.

This was all made very easy in the pandemic, but then at the end of last summer, I accepted a job that would take me into London again, where she still lives. I decided I should try one more time to rekindle things with one of my oldest friends.

I reached out in a message and said I missed her, that I didn't really understand what had happened, and I'd love to smooth things over. She said I'd done some things to upset her, that I'm willing to accept, though she was very vague about it, but that it was water under the bridge and yes, we should catch up. Of course, she then cancelled on our plans. But she also told me she'd just got engaged, and in the new year, despite us still not seeing each other in 2+ years, she invited us to their wedding this spring.

We have since seen each other for a drink with another friend and it was really lovely, but brief (we'd made dinner plans but surprise surprise she double booked). This weekend I found out she'd had her hen do, and although I sort of knew it was happening and I hadn't been invited, I wasn't prepared for how heartbroken I was. It was devastating to see photos of her and my other friends pop up on social.

I'm now thinking, I don't want to go to the wedding. I feel like I've tried pretty hard to fix things, but not inviting me to her hen do and continually cancelling on me really suggests she doesn't actually care about it. Surely I am just making a fool of myself?

But is it too late to cancel? It's just over 4 weeks away! It wouldn't be designed to be an 'f' you, more a move of self preservation! But I know from experience how stressful weddings are and how rude it is to do this last minute.

OP posts:
FrankLeeSpeaking · 05/04/2022 16:47

I wouldn't go, but you need to let her know now.

AryaStarkWolf · 05/04/2022 16:47

@Octomore

Making plans to meet up and cancelling at short notice multiple times is OK behaviour is it?

It's not great, but it's also not the crime of the century. The OP has also actively tried to avoid her in retaliation, and so there has been a bit of pettiness on both sides. The OP has also not said what it was that the friend said she'd done to upset her.

The friendship has been dead for a while now, due to actions on both sides - they're just acquaintances. The OP wasn't owed an invite to the hen do.

Avoiding someone who shows no interest in your life and constantly cancels meet ups isn't "pettiness" where I come from
Happyhappyday · 05/04/2022 16:48

I think it’s too late. You might not be friends anymore but just go, don’t stay long and let the friendship go. It’s really painful losing friends, there’s no script for breaking up like from a romantic relationship. People do drift apart but when it’s less than mutual it can be hard to come to terms with the lack of closure. I’ve had friends I’ve grown apart from and I think we just gently separated and friends where it’s felt like I did something horribly wrong but I can’t figure out what it possibly could be. Finding a way to let the friendship go while retaining the happy memories is really hard.

givethatbabyaname · 05/04/2022 16:49

She's just not that into you.

Would you enjoy the wedding anyway? Maybe an outing with children, catching up with old friends, getting dressed up etc?

If you're able to enjoy the wedding despite the bride, go. If this atmosphere is going to plague your day, don't go. She's made it clear how she feels. You're not accepting it.

Gilly12345 · 05/04/2022 16:50

You either cancel and say unfortunately you have double booked yourself and block her so you don’t need to see what she gets up to in the future and move or

OR

Go to the wedding and eat/drink good food at her expense and then block her and move on.

This friendship is over.

ThanksItHasPockets · 05/04/2022 16:53

If you cancel it will look like sabotage, regardless of whether or not that is your intention. Do you want to be the one who puts the final nail in the coffin of the friendship before she can do it to you?

grapewines · 05/04/2022 16:54

@FinnRussell

YANBU. The friendship is dead. Message her that you wish her a happy day and future but you no longer feel right about joining in with her day.
Agree. I'd text something like this.
KnowingMeKnowingYouAhaaaa · 05/04/2022 16:54

I'd cancel, 4 weeks to go she can bump someone up to a meal if she has evening guests, if she can't well that's just tough. I wouldn't waste anymore time or energy, sounds like the friendship is dead so it'd be pointless going to the wedding.

BorderlineHappy · 05/04/2022 16:55

It reads to me she didnt have the balls to finish the friendship.So she phased you out,then had the gall to blame you when you pulled her up on it.

I wouldnt go and spend a day with someone who thinks so little of me.
Go out with dh and have a ball.Just not with her.

Bunty55 · 05/04/2022 16:56

I would go and enjoy the day and the food and drink and then stop communicating with this person. If you cancel now it will be looked upon as hostile.

DrSbaitso · 05/04/2022 16:57

Even if your friendship is over, driving the final nail in the coffin on her wedding day is really poor form. You say you don't know what you've done in the past to upset her. Well you know, if you accept her invitation then drop out "because self preservation" a month before, then I can really believe you've upset her in the past and can't think how.

Just go. It's a short ceremony, a meal and a party. Don't cast a bad shadow over her day after you accepted her invitation to be a part of it. If you never see her again after that, so be it, but don't weaponise her wedding. That's a dick move.

Crunched · 05/04/2022 16:58

Cancel immediately. There is no point hoping your friendship will be rekindled. Four weeks is plenty of time to reassign your place to someone she genuinely wants to be with. I suspect she will be regretting asking you in the first place.

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 05/04/2022 16:58

Stuff that - she's cancelled on you (at the last minute/double booked) so often, she can't really complain if you just don't turn up.🤷‍♀️
Don't give her another thought and block her.

Nanny0gg · 05/04/2022 16:58

@PuffinMcStuffin

Yes friendships end having run their natural course, but I think the fact that you've already agreed to go you'd be killing the friendship completely to pull out now. Just go, have fun, you'll barely talk her at the wedding, and then let it fizzle out afterwards.
The friendship is already dead in the water
Chely · 05/04/2022 17:02

Just don't turn up and send a sorry we had an emergency message.

The friendship died a long time ago anyway.

SleeplessInEngland · 05/04/2022 17:04

What did she say you did to upset her? It must have come up when you recently met?

I’d go to the wedding then just not contact her again. It’d be petty to pull out after accepting.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/04/2022 17:04

A wedding is not an intimate one-on-one meeting, it is a gathering. You and she have mutual friends who will presumably be at the wedding too.

I would go, and have a great catch-up with the mutual friends. And then let the friendship,such as it is, wither away.

rookiemere · 05/04/2022 17:05

I think it would be really rude to just not turn up or decline the day before.

At least by giving her 4 weeks notice if she can't cancel the food, she could at least invite someone else along.

jackstini · 05/04/2022 17:06

In this case as you've already rsvp'd and been friends so long, I think it would be rude to cancel with only 4 weeks to go

There are always far fewer people on the hen and stag dos than at the wedding

Go, have a good night and see how things are in the future

PlanningTowns · 05/04/2022 17:06

Cancel - weddings a blooming expensive, especially if you're there 'to make up numbers'. She has treated you with utter disrespect by cancelling last minute all those times, once or twice anyone can understand but the number you describe is sending a strong message. Hear it... I'd actually not be bothered about the timeframe here because of the way she has treated you. Friendship is long gone.

You have reached out and she has completely ignored your olive branch - why can grown adults not communicate. the fact that she cannot and has not suggests that you need to move on. By not going it gives you the ability to control the situation. I have a feeling she will totally blank you at the wedding anyway.

Sunnytwobridges · 05/04/2022 17:10

Don't go, send a card.

TimmyHos · 05/04/2022 17:10

I think you should go to the wedding, if only to catch up with other friends. I think YABU to have thought you were even a contender for the hen party with how distant she's become.

Cherrysoup · 05/04/2022 17:12

What reason did she give for being upset with you? What have mutual friends said? Do they still contact you? She has properly wendied you, hasn’t she? People she only knows through you were at the hen do??

elbea · 05/04/2022 17:12

I don’t really know why you thought you’d be invited to the hen party of a woman you didn’t speak to for three years! You’ve drifted apart and realistically hen parties are usually for close friends which you aren’t.

Xtraincome · 05/04/2022 17:13

The friendship has been over for years OP.
Maybe you were invited to plump up the gift table? Who knows? Just do whatever but move on from this friendship. You clearly gain very little from it as does she..