To not go to her wedding when we've already RSVP'd?

[TMarieClara]

Long story short, one of my oldest friends is getting married in May. My husband and I have been invited to the wedding and RSVP'd yes, but I'm now not sure I want to go. It's just over 4 weeks away. Here's the long story:

The bride and I have been friends since school, so over 20 years. We lived together for a few years in our twenties, and she was bridesmaid at my wedding about 6 years ago. However, in the past few years, we've drifted apart. She started cancelling on our plans at the last minute (something I probably find excessively annoying), and I noticed she'd also started making plans with mutual friends (including two she only knows through me) without me. She had NEVER raised any issues with me or said she'd been upset by anything I've done. Basically, she just gave me a slow burn ghosting. Over the years, on a number of occasions, I've tried to rekindle things - told her I missed her, suggested getting together. She's always up for this, then cancels at the last minute.

3 years ago, I had a baby (I told you this was a long story!). I really mourned my old life and found it really hard to cope with feeling like the world was going on without me. I got no support whatsoever from her, nor did she show any interest in meeting my daughter, so I decided I just couldn't see her any more and actively tried to avoid being around her whenever possible. If I came in to see other friends, I wouldn't tell her I was coming. Retrospectively, this probably was a bit petty, but I was really hurt. We were still in a few whatsapp groups together, but never spoke to each other one on one.

This was all made very easy in the pandemic, but then at the end of last summer, I accepted a job that would take me into London again, where she still lives. I decided I should try one more time to rekindle things with one of my oldest friends.

I reached out in a message and said I missed her, that I didn't really understand what had happened, and I'd love to smooth things over. She said I'd done some things to upset her, that I'm willing to accept, though she was very vague about it, but that it was water under the bridge and yes, we should catch up. Of course, she then cancelled on our plans. But she also told me she'd just got engaged, and in the new year, despite us still not seeing each other in 2+ years, she invited us to their wedding this spring.

We have since seen each other for a drink with another friend and it was really lovely, but brief (we'd made dinner plans but surprise surprise she double booked). This weekend I found out she'd had her hen do, and although I sort of knew it was happening and I hadn't been invited, I wasn't prepared for how heartbroken I was. It was devastating to see photos of her and my other friends pop up on social.

I'm now thinking, I don't want to go to the wedding. I feel like I've tried pretty hard to fix things, but not inviting me to her hen do and continually cancelling on me really suggests she doesn't actually care about it. Surely I am just making a fool of myself?

But is it too late to cancel? It's just over 4 weeks away! It wouldn't be designed to be an 'f' you, more a move of self preservation! But I know from experience how stressful weddings are and how rude it is to do this last minute.

[Pegasushaswings]

I’d cancel unless all your mutual friends are going then I’d probably go to socialise. I know that’s harsh but is she trying to push you away from the friends she’s made via you?

[TheSmallAssassin]

Four weeks is plenty of notice, if they have already confirmed numbers, there are always b-listers to fill the space, or guests who would have liked a plus one. And even if there aren't, it costs them the same whether you are there or not! Don't go and have a miserable time! Some people on here are really ridiculous about weddings.

[FrenchBulldogsareFab]

Cancel. No dress, accommodation, childcare, wedding list present costs incurred. Sorted.

[eyupcocker]

@TMarieClara

Long story short, one of my oldest friends is getting married in May. My husband and I have been invited to the wedding and RSVP'd yes, but I'm now not sure I want to go. It's just over 4 weeks away. Here's the long story:

The bride and I have been friends since school, so over 20 years. We lived together for a few years in our twenties, and she was bridesmaid at my wedding about 6 years ago. However, in the past few years, we've drifted apart. She started cancelling on our plans at the last minute (something I probably find excessively annoying), and I noticed she'd also started making plans with mutual friends (including two she only knows through me) without me. She had NEVER raised any issues with me or said she'd been upset by anything I've done. Basically, she just gave me a slow burn ghosting. Over the years, on a number of occasions, I've tried to rekindle things - told her I missed her, suggested getting together. She's always up for this, then cancels at the last minute.

3 years ago, I had a baby (I told you this was a long story!). I really mourned my old life and found it really hard to cope with feeling like the world was going on without me. I got no support whatsoever from her, nor did she show any interest in meeting my daughter, so I decided I just couldn't see her any more and actively tried to avoid being around her whenever possible. If I came in to see other friends, I wouldn't tell her I was coming. Retrospectively, this probably was a bit petty, but I was really hurt. We were still in a few whatsapp groups together, but never spoke to each other one on one.

This was all made very easy in the pandemic, but then at the end of last summer, I accepted a job that would take me into London again, where she still lives. I decided I should try one more time to rekindle things with one of my oldest friends.

I reached out in a message and said I missed her, that I didn't really understand what had happened, and I'd love to smooth things over. She said I'd done some things to upset her, that I'm willing to accept, though she was very vague about it, but that it was water under the bridge and yes, we should catch up. Of course, she then cancelled on our plans. But she also told me she'd just got engaged, and in the new year, despite us still not seeing each other in 2+ years, she invited us to their wedding this spring.

We have since seen each other for a drink with another friend and it was really lovely, but brief (we'd made dinner plans but surprise surprise she double booked). This weekend I found out she'd had her hen do, and although I sort of knew it was happening and I hadn't been invited, I wasn't prepared for how heartbroken I was. It was devastating to see photos of her and my other friends pop up on social.

I'm now thinking, I don't want to go to the wedding. I feel like I've tried pretty hard to fix things, but not inviting me to her hen do and continually cancelling on me really suggests she doesn't actually care about it. Surely I am just making a fool of myself?

But is it too late to cancel? It's just over 4 weeks away! It wouldn't be designed to be an 'f' you, more a move of self preservation! But I know from experience how stressful weddings are and how rude it is to do this last minute.

YANBU - I am getting married next year and I think 4 weeks before a wedding to go back on an RSVP is absolutely fine. It is usually 2 weeks before the event the caterers need numbers so do it sooner rather than later. Send her a message politely explaining how she has made you feel, wish her all the best, forget about her and enjoy your life with those who actually give a toss about you. Don't feel guilty either because she obviously doesn't feel any guilt the way she has treat you

[LittleMissMe99]

No, it's never to late. If you don't want to go...don't. You've given her ample opportunity to rekindle the friendship and it sounds like she's stringing you along honestly

[Gendercritic]

Who cares if she is out of pocket on the food? You have done your best to reconnect and take responsibility for any hurt and she has done sweet FA. The wedding will cost you a bomb in terms of an outfit and gift etc and you will probably feel shit all day as she clearly does not value you.You should wish her well but be honest and say you have drifted apart and it doesn't feel right to be there. Or if you can't face being honest and you won't get caught out make up an excuse - no child care, ill relative, or -last minute cancellation - you have suspected Covid etc. You owe her nothing.

[Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme]

Just pull out on the day…just text ‘oops I’ve double booked, soz. I’m sure you’ll understand.’

[NeedleNoodle3]

Or oops I’ve double booked I’m going to a friend’s hen do that weekend.

[franbrad]

Don't go. You won't enjoy it. She probably only invited you to get a wedding pressie lol

[chaosmaker]

Just cancel on the day :)

[Pelsall116]

Message, say you can't make it; don't give a reason (did she give you reasons when she cancelled on you? if so you could use one of those) and wish her well for the future. She will get the message
This friendship is dead in the water; has been for a while now - but then, I think you already know that and don't need me or any other MN to tell you that; suspect you are checking out that your suspicions are on the right lines - they are!

[feelingfree17]

I would definitely not go. There will be more hurt if you do.Accept that the friendship is over and move on

[rookiemere]

I'm not sure why people need to copy the whole of the OP in their responses. Even if people read nothing else, they have presumably read the OP.

I would cancel now citing childcare issues. Despite what has happened it's beyond rude to cancel on the day before, when you know now - 4 weeks out - that you aren't going.

Ex-friend may have acted badly, but to deliberately cost her money is petty. Tell her now and she may be able to cancel the places or reallocate them.

[PinkCheetah]

It sounds like you've both hurt each other and miscommunication contributed to it. But that doesn't matter. At the end of the day, this friendship is dead. It takes two to want to continue a relationship and this vibe ain't it. 4 weeks is not too late (heck, I had guests cancelling 2 days before..) so don't worry about it. You'll feel better not having to waste your time, energy and money for someone you don't care about.

[FlipFlapFlop123]

Bollocks to that! Fuck her, shes behaved appallingly to you. No definitely dont go, save your money.

[wentworthinmate]

Cancel now with notice or just don't turn up at all then block. It's finished , move onwards and upwards.

[Purpleela]

* Very random CAT post alert *

Ok, so we got a cat last year for the 1st time (after always having dogs) and I have to say it's been an eye opener.

The fact that they are free roaming animals and do just that can lead to chaos.

Our local neighbourhood is full of cats and I didn't know that Toms especially have turf wars! 😂

Last summer the local Tom (not friendly, was abused in the past, so understandable) entered our house through a first floor window and I had my Tom cat kitten on my lap and I happened to swing around in my chair and see him staring at me and Felix.. I managed to shut the door on him and wait in the room until my DH came home... He did a quite look but was even saying if he did find him he would just shut the door as we think he would kill us (slight exaggeration but we are scared of him, and I'd rather fight off a dog than a cat!?) .. We saw him marching across the street and breathed a sigh of relief..

Anyway, got me thinking... Have you guys got any funny, interesting cat stories to share?

Thanks in advance!

[Purpleela]

Sorry ignore the above I thought that I was making a new thread!

[hungrymutha]

Don't go. She will be able to upgrade an evening guest or work colleague

Ive been a last min invite before

Use childcare as the excuse

But that will be the final nail in coffin, as it were

[browneyes77]

I didn't omit it - I don't know it! She said I did some things to upset her. That's it. It was over WhatsApp so my plan was to explore when we met, about a month later... but she cancelled

Have you asked your mutual friends if they know?

You say those friends were your friends in the first place. So are you still speaking to them? Can/have you asked them if she’s mentioned anything?

I don’t think 4 weeks is too little notice. It still gives her time to replace you and your DH’s places with 2 other people.

It sounds like the friendship has fizzled out, despite your efforts. As the old saying on MN goes “a wedding is an invite not a summons” so you can ‘un-invite’ yourself should you choose to do so. Frankly with the number of times she’s cancelled on you in the past, I wouldn’t feel too guilty about cancelling.

[Fluffmum]

Cancel save your money and go out do something fun

[Darbs76]

If you’re not 100% sure about letting the friendship go, go to the wedding. It’s a day off young baby duties and chance to catch up with friends if nothing else

[Jannt86]

The hendo I think is neither here nir there tbh and like pp have said I'm not sure why you'd expect an invite. I say the pair of you stop fannyarsing about and actually work out what exactly you've both done to upset her. Tell her you aren't comfortable attending the wedding til you both have an honest conversation. This might result in total cessation of the relationship or it might totally rekindle it but at least you won't be stuck playing silly, immature mind games with each other (sorry no offence) Life's too short and in the end we regret the things we didn't say not the things we did x

[Pookymalooky]

What’s weird is that you hardly reference your mutual friends at all? Is the whole group you’ve drifted from if you’re honest? Are you usually a fringe type friend? Because otherwise I’m sure one would know what you did and you would’ve known all about the hen do well in advance?
I don’t think you are close to any of them any more and if so then sod them all and move on!

[Indicatrice]

YABU to keep going back for more of the same treatment. Are you a glutton for punishment? If someone cancels on me twice in a row, they would never see me again.

Get some backbone and decline politely citing childcare issues and be done with this shit heap.