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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to her wedding when we've already RSVP'd?

270 replies

TMarieClara · 05/04/2022 15:14

Long story short, one of my oldest friends is getting married in May. My husband and I have been invited to the wedding and RSVP'd yes, but I'm now not sure I want to go. It's just over 4 weeks away. Here's the long story:

The bride and I have been friends since school, so over 20 years. We lived together for a few years in our twenties, and she was bridesmaid at my wedding about 6 years ago. However, in the past few years, we've drifted apart. She started cancelling on our plans at the last minute (something I probably find excessively annoying), and I noticed she'd also started making plans with mutual friends (including two she only knows through me) without me. She had NEVER raised any issues with me or said she'd been upset by anything I've done. Basically, she just gave me a slow burn ghosting. Over the years, on a number of occasions, I've tried to rekindle things - told her I missed her, suggested getting together. She's always up for this, then cancels at the last minute.

3 years ago, I had a baby (I told you this was a long story!). I really mourned my old life and found it really hard to cope with feeling like the world was going on without me. I got no support whatsoever from her, nor did she show any interest in meeting my daughter, so I decided I just couldn't see her any more and actively tried to avoid being around her whenever possible. If I came in to see other friends, I wouldn't tell her I was coming. Retrospectively, this probably was a bit petty, but I was really hurt. We were still in a few whatsapp groups together, but never spoke to each other one on one.

This was all made very easy in the pandemic, but then at the end of last summer, I accepted a job that would take me into London again, where she still lives. I decided I should try one more time to rekindle things with one of my oldest friends.

I reached out in a message and said I missed her, that I didn't really understand what had happened, and I'd love to smooth things over. She said I'd done some things to upset her, that I'm willing to accept, though she was very vague about it, but that it was water under the bridge and yes, we should catch up. Of course, she then cancelled on our plans. But she also told me she'd just got engaged, and in the new year, despite us still not seeing each other in 2+ years, she invited us to their wedding this spring.

We have since seen each other for a drink with another friend and it was really lovely, but brief (we'd made dinner plans but surprise surprise she double booked). This weekend I found out she'd had her hen do, and although I sort of knew it was happening and I hadn't been invited, I wasn't prepared for how heartbroken I was. It was devastating to see photos of her and my other friends pop up on social.

I'm now thinking, I don't want to go to the wedding. I feel like I've tried pretty hard to fix things, but not inviting me to her hen do and continually cancelling on me really suggests she doesn't actually care about it. Surely I am just making a fool of myself?

But is it too late to cancel? It's just over 4 weeks away! It wouldn't be designed to be an 'f' you, more a move of self preservation! But I know from experience how stressful weddings are and how rude it is to do this last minute.

OP posts:
AnnesBrokenSlate · 05/04/2022 17:14

YABU. You said you would go and it is petty (although there are obviously lots of people who disagree) to cancel simply because you weren't invited to the hen do.
You'd both drifted apart and have only recently started to rectify that. That isn't the type of relationship that automatically gets invited to the hen do. Lots of guests won't have been invited.
You're mourning what the relationship was, whilst saying that you're trying to build a new relationship with her. An invite to the wedding is quite a big olive branch. Cancelling with weeks to go reflects badly on you and your other friends will form opinions on it too.

rookiemere · 05/04/2022 17:15

But if OP was no longer a close friend, she shouldn't have been invited to the wedding.

It makes little sense to invite OP and her DH to an event which likely costs £100+ per head, but exclude her from a pay your own way hen do.

So whatever she thinks OP has done, she's clearly not over it and I'd not be rushing to an event where I had been treated so callously by a so called friend.

Viviennemary · 05/04/2022 17:15

Cancel if you like. But I think its too late when it's only a month away and you have already accepted.

PlumsInTheIcebox · 05/04/2022 17:16

It wouldn't be designed to be an 'f' you, more a move of self preservation!

You need to be very very honest with yourself about your motivations here, because even if it isn't your intention to make this a 'fuck you' it is going to look like one, and a very public one at that. If there isn't a tiny part of you who sees this as a final opportunity of revenge for every time she cancelled on you last-minute then you are a better woman than me.

Cancelling now will have a fall-out and your mutual friendships are at risk of collateral damage. I would personally rather go to the wedding, catch up with friends, say a quick hello to her in the line-up and then enjoy the day, but then I am in the minority on MN as I love a wedding. I would find it incredibly stressful to sit at home knowing that my name is mud in a marquee somewhere. At most weddings you barely see the bride and groom anyway!

HermioneAndRoger · 05/04/2022 17:28

If you cancel it will really, really piss her off.

I strongly suspect she isn't that bothered about you being there but has invited you for a mix of old times' sake and for appearances amongst your mutual friends, especially if you were once close enough for her to be a bridesmaid. If she has used a day invitation plus one on you for those reasons instead of a newer friend that she might have preferred to invite then she will be infuriated if you cancel and that place is now wasted if she can't bump someone up.

So really, the question is whether you quite like the idea of monumentally pissing her off one last time?

AnnesBrokenSlate · 05/04/2022 17:29

@rookiemere

But if OP was no longer a close friend, she shouldn't have been invited to the wedding.

It makes little sense to invite OP and her DH to an event which likely costs £100+ per head, but exclude her from a pay your own way hen do.

So whatever she thinks OP has done, she's clearly not over it and I'd not be rushing to an event where I had been treated so callously by a so called friend.

It makes lots of sense. A large wedding will have over 200 guests. The hen night will only invite between a tenth and a fifth of those. It's perfectly normal to invite some people to the wedding and not to the hen do. By OP's own admission they haven't been in touch much and the bride thinks OP did some things to upset her. OP isn't in the inner circle. She's someone who was a friend in the past and who is trying to rebuild a friendship.
PheonixGlitterRepublic · 05/04/2022 17:31

Normally I would say go, but in this instance I think it’s best to cancel and let the friendship go. She is humiliating you and you are going along with it.

SleeplessInEngland · 05/04/2022 17:34

@PheonixGlitterRepublic

Normally I would say go, but in this instance I think it’s best to cancel and let the friendship go. She is humiliating you and you are going along with it.
If being humiliated is a free meal, free booze and a party with mutual friends then I wish people would humiliate me more often.
Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 05/04/2022 17:35

@PheonixGlitterRepublic

Normally I would say go, but in this instance I think it’s best to cancel and let the friendship go. She is humiliating you and you are going along with it.

This about sums it all up.^

Nanny0gg · 05/04/2022 17:36

@jackstini

In this case as you've already rsvp'd and been friends so long, I think it would be rude to cancel with only 4 weeks to go

There are always far fewer people on the hen and stag dos than at the wedding

Go, have a good night and see how things are in the future

Not half as rude as she's been to the OP
Femalewoman · 05/04/2022 17:36

Don't go. I think this friendship died years ago. She has shown you she doesn't really want to spend time with you. At her wedding you will be a person she says a quick hi to and moves on to more important friends and family. Don't go, you will become more hurt.

Good luck. Try to move on and pop her down as a transient friend, some relationships and friendships were not to last.

BoredZelda · 05/04/2022 17:37

But if OP was no longer a close friend, she shouldn't have been invited to the wedding.

I invited people to my wedding who were friends but not ones I see regularly. I don’t think it’s normal that every female friend you invite would automatically be invited to the hen party. The ones I’ve been to are usually just whichever friends are close enough to be bridesmaids, and perhaps family members.

yellowsuninthesky · 05/04/2022 17:43

@Heracles1000

They will have confirmed numbers with the caterers, would leave them out of pocket for meals and mess up the seating plan.

There's no way that 4 weeks prior the caterers would expect final numbers.

I was thinking the same - one week at most. I had people cry off my wedding days before, not weeks!

OP say a family thing has come up and you can't go. Do not block her, that's unnecessary drama. Just unfollow her so you don't see anything about the wedding day. And don't go looking!

froufroufrou · 05/04/2022 17:44

Since this friendship is effectively done who cares if it inconveniences her. Just make up a good excuse and then fade into the background. I’ve ghosted 2 toxic friendships over the last decade and it’s been so freeing.
Why face a month of dread in the lead up to the wedding, and no doubt more expense actually attending it.

AdobeWanKenobi · 05/04/2022 17:45

Look at it this way.

There is a person in your life who is causing you stress and worry. You are under no obligation to this person. You're giving them headspace that could be reserved for something so much better.

Cancel. Move on and don't give her another thought.

DrSbaitso · 05/04/2022 17:45

At her wedding you will be a person she says a quick hi to and moves on to more important friends and family.

Isn't that normal at a wedding for someone you're not massively close to? And why is the friend's wedding about OP's status there?

yellowsuninthesky · 05/04/2022 17:46

If you cancel it will really, really piss her off

I don't think it will. I have a friend's wedding in a few weeks and she has said she's quite relieved if people are cancelling at the moment because it will save them money! If the OP says she can't go now, the bride can either invite someone else, or save money.

TrashyPanda · 05/04/2022 17:49

It’s four weeks away, so plenty of time to cancel.
Last minute would be the week before

Used to be that invites were only sent out six weeks before wedding!

thedefinitionofmadness · 05/04/2022 17:51

I would read it that she invited you to the wedding as an olive branch. If you don't go you are actively terminating the friendship. That's your call.

Something happened that upset her and is going to take time to work out and work through. It sounds like she thinks you ghosted her not vice versa tbh. It's wildly unreasonable to expect to be at her hen do if you've been distanced from each other for years. Personally I'd go, enjoy it and see your mutual friends. But if you don't you will come out on the wrong side of this I imagine, its a big public snub.

PheonixGlitterRepublic · 05/04/2022 17:58

If being humiliated is a free meal, free booze and a party with mutual friends then I wish people would humiliate me more often.

I think you’ve missed the wider context here.

I wouldn’t attend the wedding if someone who has taken every opportunity to make it very clear to me how unimportant I am. If someone effectively shows you that they aren’t your friend anymore, listen. She’s just not that into you.

SnowingInApril · 05/04/2022 18:04

I’d be totally honest, you were hurt to see pictures of the hen with mutual friends on sm and feel like the friendship is too damaged to repair. As a result you won’t be attending the wedding but wish her well.

birdglasspen2 · 05/04/2022 18:14

she's cancelled on you and messed up your plans so yes, cancel on her but leave it till 2 weeks before!

stuntbubbles · 05/04/2022 18:17

Don’t cancel. Just don’t show up. But I’m a petty bitch who loves drama

DrSbaitso · 05/04/2022 18:19

@stuntbubbles

Don’t cancel. Just don’t show up. But I’m a petty bitch who loves drama
At least you own it.
SailingNotSurfing · 05/04/2022 18:19

I'd go to the wedding, eat and drink myself stupid and then delete and block her for the rest of my life.

This friendship has run its course.