To not go to her wedding when we've already RSVP'd?

[TMarieClara]

Long story short, one of my oldest friends is getting married in May. My husband and I have been invited to the wedding and RSVP'd yes, but I'm now not sure I want to go. It's just over 4 weeks away. Here's the long story:

The bride and I have been friends since school, so over 20 years. We lived together for a few years in our twenties, and she was bridesmaid at my wedding about 6 years ago. However, in the past few years, we've drifted apart. She started cancelling on our plans at the last minute (something I probably find excessively annoying), and I noticed she'd also started making plans with mutual friends (including two she only knows through me) without me. She had NEVER raised any issues with me or said she'd been upset by anything I've done. Basically, she just gave me a slow burn ghosting. Over the years, on a number of occasions, I've tried to rekindle things - told her I missed her, suggested getting together. She's always up for this, then cancels at the last minute.

3 years ago, I had a baby (I told you this was a long story!). I really mourned my old life and found it really hard to cope with feeling like the world was going on without me. I got no support whatsoever from her, nor did she show any interest in meeting my daughter, so I decided I just couldn't see her any more and actively tried to avoid being around her whenever possible. If I came in to see other friends, I wouldn't tell her I was coming. Retrospectively, this probably was a bit petty, but I was really hurt. We were still in a few whatsapp groups together, but never spoke to each other one on one.

This was all made very easy in the pandemic, but then at the end of last summer, I accepted a job that would take me into London again, where she still lives. I decided I should try one more time to rekindle things with one of my oldest friends.

I reached out in a message and said I missed her, that I didn't really understand what had happened, and I'd love to smooth things over. She said I'd done some things to upset her, that I'm willing to accept, though she was very vague about it, but that it was water under the bridge and yes, we should catch up. Of course, she then cancelled on our plans. But she also told me she'd just got engaged, and in the new year, despite us still not seeing each other in 2+ years, she invited us to their wedding this spring.

We have since seen each other for a drink with another friend and it was really lovely, but brief (we'd made dinner plans but surprise surprise she double booked). This weekend I found out she'd had her hen do, and although I sort of knew it was happening and I hadn't been invited, I wasn't prepared for how heartbroken I was. It was devastating to see photos of her and my other friends pop up on social.

I'm now thinking, I don't want to go to the wedding. I feel like I've tried pretty hard to fix things, but not inviting me to her hen do and continually cancelling on me really suggests she doesn't actually care about it. Surely I am just making a fool of myself?

But is it too late to cancel? It's just over 4 weeks away! It wouldn't be designed to be an 'f' you, more a move of self preservation! But I know from experience how stressful weddings are and how rude it is to do this last minute.

When people tell you who they are, listen. So wish I had done this more often.

@AryaStarkWolf

Fuck her, she didn't invite you to her hen but invited your mutual friends, I wouldn't give a shit if it was late notice or not

This. What she did was so hurtful and I'd fuck her off for good.

Not unreasonable, but take the high road. Contact her immediately and tell her (via text if you prefer), "I am so sorry, some issues have come up and we will be unable to be with you on your special day. I hope it is wonderful, and I'll be thinking of you." It is not necessary to tell her what you will be thinking of her.

@PermanentTemporary

I really don't think 4 weeks is last minute, personally. I'd say that there's been a family issue and you can no longer attend. Then block her.

Friendships do end. I think this one is over.

The first comment is the wisest in my opinion. This friendship is clearly over.

I think childcare is a legitimate and non-confrontational way out. I’m not surprised you weren’t invited to the hen do after such a lull in the friendship. You could go to the wedding knowing you’re a distant friend and not part of the bridal party, or you could gracefully bow out of the friendship and look forward.

You're not being unreasonable. From what you have described, she has never had any compunctions about cancelling on you at the last minute, or leaving you out. Four weeks is more than enough time, and not at all last minute.

Just make up some excuse or the other, but be nice about it. No point being hostile. Then move on and focus on your family and your child.

I’m with @AryaStarkWolf! Fuck her. Don’t waste your time. Have a nice day out for yourself if you’ve already arranged childcare for DD.

So her inviting you to her wedding after not seeing her for 2plus years is weird to you
But then when she doesnt invite you to her hens you get upset and "heartbroken".

Right

@Mamanyt

Not unreasonable, but take the high road. Contact her immediately and tell her (via text if you prefer), "I am so sorry, some issues have come up and we will be unable to be with you on your special day. I hope it is wonderful, and I'll be thinking of you." It is not necessary to tell her what you will be thinking of her.

This sounds perfect. I was going to suggest blaming childcare falling through, but you don't want her coming up with "solutions".

If she does come back with "what's wrong" just say "just family stuff" and then ignore any other messages. I said I thought blocking people was a bit overdramatic, but if it's eg whatsapp you can mute and archive so you don't see the messages.

Anyway you had better do something soon, or it will no longer be 4 weeks, it will be 3, and will be getting too close.

So cancel, not a big deal.

You sound far more invested in her than she is with you are there lies the problem.
If you go there's the chance you'll be hopeful all day of some acknowledgement from her of your long standing friendship and feel hurt if that doesn't happen.
If you cancel then stick to the end of the ' friendship ' and block her and put her out of your mind.
If you go,which you don't seem to want to,be prepared to be polite,friendly but not over keen.
Focus on what's best for you.

Sounds like a rubbish 'friend'. I wouldn't waste my money

I think despite your recent efforts this friendship has run its course. Her behaviour to you has been hurtful. 4 weeks is not too late to cancel. Send a card/message saying you hope she has a lovely day etc etc but due to circumstances you are unable to attend. It’s unlikely she will ask you what the circumstances are, but if she does, be ready with an excuse, family reasons, health, you don’t need to go into details, be vague. Then let the friendship drift, you are deserving of much kinder friends OP

I’d WhatsApp the day before that your childcare fell through. Treat her to a dose of her own medicine.

She sounds ridiculous saying you’d said something to upset her but not telling you what it was.

I cannot imagine why you would consider going. Try to see the situation objectively. She’s just mean to you.

Cancel. There's still a perfectly decent length of time until the wedding.

Having been just recently extremely hurt by a 12 year friend whom I felt was extremely close and who was truly horrible not once but twice, since I accepted her excuse for the first occasion, I feel like I can tell you from experience that attending the wedding will simply upset you despite your other friends being there.

I think you're liable to sit around feeling you were asked for form rather than because you were really wanted, and that you'll also possibly feel like a spare part, and that resentment of the way she's treated you over the past couple of years will build up until you feel really shitty.

She's truly no longer a friend - just let it go. (f it's any consolation, I recently realised that I feel positively relieved that I'm no longer having contact with my erstwhile friend: I hadn't realised how often she put me down and criticised and tried to "boss" me about until the relief of that not happening any more sunk in!)

Without knowing more detail on the few things you did to upset her, which you mention in your post, I would say absolutely don't go. And if there was stuff that pissed her off why didn't she just say something? She's cancelled on you a million times, karma. I think, sad as it is, this friendship has run its course. She's not remotely bothered about you. Move on.

She is a very old friend. See how it goes, if you feel unwelcome and isolated just wish her well and take an early departure. Marriage and possible family may make her change and value you old frienship.

However, if you really hate the idea of going, of course you should make your excuses and not go. C'est La Vie.

Sounds like she’s a very old acquaintance tbh.

I think actions speak louder than words, I don’t think you’ll be treated particularly well at the wedding, I think you’ll regret going.

This friendship is no longer working, it broke a long time ago, on both sides.

You don’t need to make a drama about it, send a message to say you’re now unable to attend, but wish her well for her big day.

Then leave it there, leave her in the past

YANBU

I'd cancel.