To say no to my CF neighbour?

[MyVeryFirstCF]

I'm unsure if I'm being petty here.

Context:

Next-door neighbour has two children, let's call them Jenny (7) and Davy (4). Jenny is delightful. I don't really see Davy.

My children are DD9 and DD6. They don't see Jenny and Davy socially but go to the same school as them.

Their mum is always pleasant to me, but only ever WhatsApps me if she wants something - "Hi MyVeryFirstCF, how are you, can I borrow some eggs?" would be a standard message from her.

On a few occasions when there has been an emergency she has asked me to take Jenny to school. I have always been fine for this. However, when I had Covid, I asked if she could walk my non-Covidy child to school, and she made a bit of a fuss saying she normally drives to school (a 7 minute walk), and that little Davy didn't have any gloves and his hands would get cold. I offered to lend her gloves. She eventually agreed. (It didn't happen in the end as DH managed to WFH that day.)

Last week CF neighbour had a small car accident which has led to her car being off the road.

She texted me yesterday morning asking if I would take Jenny to school. I didn't see her message immediately but replied within 10 minutes saying yes, and saying I'd call for her at 8.30. At 8.30 CF neighbour answered the door wearing basically no clothes saying that Jenny wasn't ready, and she hadn't seen my reply (why wouldn't you check?!) So she had to take her herself.

Then she texted me again this morning asking if I would take Jenny. I did. Jenny is no problem at all - a really lovely girl, but my girls don't know her well and sort of clam up. This is a shame because I really enjoy the school run as a bit of time I get to spend talking to my girls away from the distractions of screens / homework / getting food ready etc.

The reason given for this morning's request was that her younger child was still asleep. Although, when I called, it was clear CF neighbour wasn't dressed again. She has told me in the past that Jenny hates walking. Jenny has told me that she loves to walk, and that it's her mum who hates walking! (It's literally 7 minutes.)

She also has a husband who WFH every day, but I literally never see him with the children, so I don't think she gets any support from him.

Would I be unreasonable to say no to any future (non-emergency) requests, and how do I do this whilst maintaining a decent enough relationship that we can ask each other for actual emergencies?

[HoneyFlowers]

This story is now in the national newspapers!

[Ohyesiam]

Your little girls will unclam when they get to know her a bit though won’t they?
Sounds like she has a bit of a rubbish home life, I’d be looking to help out.

[Springhassprung86]

Of course you’re not unreasonable to say no. Totally your prerogative and you owe her nothing.
Actually though I think you were quite cheeky to ask her to walk your child when she usually drives, even offering lend gloves(!!) and really putting her on the spot. Doesn’t matter if it’s a seven minute walk. If she wants to drive thats none of your business.
I think would be best all round really if you both stopped asking each other for favours.

[MyVeryFirstCF]

Guess who asked again this morning...

[phishy]

Why so coy?

[dexterslockedintheshedagain]

@MyVeryFirstCF

Guess who asked again this morning...

Hope you told her where to get off!

[LookItsMeAgain]

@MyVeryFirstCF

Guess who asked again this morning...

And your response was?????

[Ikeptgoing]

@MyVeryFirstCF

Guess who asked again this morning...

What excuse of an "emergency" this time?

I hope you felt able to say that you aren't childcare

[pleasejustgjvemeabreak]

Tell her that your kids value their one on one walk with you as they like to chat to you and tell you things.

[MyVeryFirstCF]

Her message came in at 6.20 a.m. She asked if she could ask a favour "one last time".

I replied I don't mind helping out in an emergency but I'd promised DDs that they had me to themselves this morning. I asked if her DH could take Jenny if she wasn't able to.

She replied no problem and she would never ask again.

I said that I was always really happy to help in an emergency (and listed some! Like Covid, someone in hospital etc.) but I said that day-to-day it was special time for me with the girls.

Then she sent a really long message, guilt-tripping me massively about how she's not well but can't tell me what it is because it's private. She said she never planned to have me walk her daughter regularly and finished off with telling me she would never ask me for any help of any kind, ever again.

I said that that wasn't what I'd said at all and I was very happy to help in an emergency (and hoped she would help us out in a pinch too), and I said that I hoped she would feel better soon.

She said she will never, ever ask me for anything again and it's a lesson she's learned.

Her message was SO over the top. I'm not sure if I've appropriately enforced boundaries or just made the world a slightly worse place.

[freedomhereicome]

Generally when people send massive long messages like that it's because they're still guilt tripping

Anyone with a decent set of morals would go oh shit yeah I know I've asked a lot lately. Thanks anyway neighbour.

She can't just let you be. You've got to feel massively guilty and shit.

You did the right thing. Hope you dc enjoyed the walk and chat. (Mine have off for bloody ages and running riot in the house all week... would happily swap!)

[Mummy1608]

@MyVeryFirstCF

Her message came in at 6.20 a.m. She asked if she could ask a favour "one last time".

I replied I don't mind helping out in an emergency but I'd promised DDs that they had me to themselves this morning. I asked if her DH could take Jenny if she wasn't able to.

She replied no problem and she would never ask again.

I said that I was always really happy to help in an emergency (and listed some! Like Covid, someone in hospital etc.) but I said that day-to-day it was special time for me with the girls.

Then she sent a really long message, guilt-tripping me massively about how she's not well but can't tell me what it is because it's private. She said she never planned to have me walk her daughter regularly and finished off with telling me she would never ask me for any help of any kind, ever again.

I said that that wasn't what I'd said at all and I was very happy to help in an emergency (and hoped she would help us out in a pinch too), and I said that I hoped she would feel better soon.

She said she will never, ever ask me for anything again and it's a lesson she's learned.

Her message was SO over the top. I'm not sure if I've appropriately enforced boundaries or just made the world a slightly worse place.

You've done nothing wrong whatsoever so don't feel guilty! She says she'll never ask you for anything again, she's learned. Optimal outcome!

If she's not grateful for the favours you've done her already, she's an idiot, there's nothing you can do about that

[mumsie8]

Don't forget as well she still has a DH. If she has ailments or long term health problems why isn't he stepping up and helping his wife? Surely the responsibility for supporting and aiding her starts with him first??
Nah, carry on as you are. She, health issues or not, is trying it on. The long message she sent you was merely to try and guilt trip you into doing as she asks. Don't do it. Save it for an emergency, as you've already stated you are more than happy to help with, and leave it like that. can guarantee she'll be back asking for one more favour. People like that have skin as thick as rhino hides and more front than Brighton Pier

[billy1966]

Oh please🙄

Let her off.

She is nothing but a user and a moron.

Someone so stupid as to keep repeating they will never bother you again is just the type to do that.

She had time to type a long message at 6.20 ....and not sort her child out.

This is NOT a neighbour you want to be involved with.

Avoid her and her drama.

[YoYoYoYoSup]

Bit odd about her DH how you never see him and he apparently does absolutely nothing but work. I'd seriously consider a referral to social services. I feel awful for the daughter and it seems this family are hugely struggling - I'm not saying it sounds abusive etc but there is definitely something more going on here. Definitely consider a well intentioned referral.

[WTF475878237NC]

That long message is the text equivalent of verbal diarrhoea when caught out.

[IamMala]

Reply "OK" with a smiling face or a thumbs up! Then ignore CF

[CloseYourEyesAndSee]

@YoYoYoYoSup

Bit odd about her DH how you never see him and he apparently does absolutely nothing but work. I'd seriously consider a referral to social services. I feel awful for the daughter and it seems this family are hugely struggling - I'm not saying it sounds abusive etc but there is definitely something more going on here. Definitely consider a well intentioned referral.

What would you be referring exactly?

[LndnGrl]

@MyVeryFirstCF

Her message came in at 6.20 a.m. She asked if she could ask a favour "one last time".

I replied I don't mind helping out in an emergency but I'd promised DDs that they had me to themselves this morning. I asked if her DH could take Jenny if she wasn't able to.

She replied no problem and she would never ask again.

I said that I was always really happy to help in an emergency (and listed some! Like Covid, someone in hospital etc.) but I said that day-to-day it was special time for me with the girls.

Then she sent a really long message, guilt-tripping me massively about how she's not well but can't tell me what it is because it's private. She said she never planned to have me walk her daughter regularly and finished off with telling me she would never ask me for any help of any kind, ever again.

I said that that wasn't what I'd said at all and I was very happy to help in an emergency (and hoped she would help us out in a pinch too), and I said that I hoped she would feel better soon.

She said she will never, ever ask me for anything again and it's a lesson she's learned.

Her message was SO over the top. I'm not sure if I've appropriately enforced boundaries or just made the world a slightly worse place.

I'd have replied "ok,good. Now we're on the same page".

[LookItsMeAgain]

To all of that., @MyVeryFirstCF, I'd have replied "Ok then. Have a nice day" and leave it at that. Don't rise to the bait.
She was trying to guilt trip you and you just kept repeating the same message back to her which was annoying to her as you weren't complying with her requests due to your (lovely word coming up) boundaries!!!!
None of this means that you can't still be a good neighbour but it does show her that you're not at her beck and call.

Well done you

[Cherrysoup]

I think you’ve done the right thing, but she has pushed boundaries and therefore soured the neighbourly relationship. Why can’t her dh do the school run?

[Inklingpot]

@YoYoYoYoSup

Bit odd about her DH how you never see him and he apparently does absolutely nothing but work. I'd seriously consider a referral to social services. I feel awful for the daughter and it seems this family are hugely struggling - I'm not saying it sounds abusive etc but there is definitely something more going on here. Definitely consider a well intentioned referral.

If you’d seriously consider a referral to social services o the basis of what you’ve read in this thread, a) I’m quite glad I don’t know you in real life and b) you need to get out more.

[WetLookKnitwear]

Don’t feel bad op. It sounds like she’s realised she was overstepping but her pride is preventing her from being mature about it.

Good neighbourly relations are a two way street remember. So don’t blame yourself. She put you both in an awkward situation.

I’d text something short and noncommittal back like “sorry. I hope you get better soon x”

[MarinoRoyale]

@MyVeryFirstCF

Her message came in at 6.20 a.m. She asked if she could ask a favour "one last time".

I replied I don't mind helping out in an emergency but I'd promised DDs that they had me to themselves this morning. I asked if her DH could take Jenny if she wasn't able to.

She replied no problem and she would never ask again.

I said that I was always really happy to help in an emergency (and listed some! Like Covid, someone in hospital etc.) but I said that day-to-day it was special time for me with the girls.

Then she sent a really long message, guilt-tripping me massively about how she's not well but can't tell me what it is because it's private. She said she never planned to have me walk her daughter regularly and finished off with telling me she would never ask me for any help of any kind, ever again.

I said that that wasn't what I'd said at all and I was very happy to help in an emergency (and hoped she would help us out in a pinch too), and I said that I hoped she would feel better soon.

She said she will never, ever ask me for anything again and it's a lesson she's learned.

Her message was SO over the top. I'm not sure if I've appropriately enforced boundaries or just made the world a slightly worse place.

Don’t reply further, you don’t need to explain your position any more.

[KosherDill]

@billy1966

Oh please🙄

Let her off.

She is nothing but a user and a moron.

Someone so stupid as to keep repeating they will never bother you again is just the type to do that.

She had time to type a long message at 6.20 ....and not sort her child out.

This is NOT a neighbour you want to be involved with.

Avoid her and her drama.

Exactly. She's wacko.