To say no to my CF neighbour?

[MyVeryFirstCF]

I'm unsure if I'm being petty here.

Context:

Next-door neighbour has two children, let's call them Jenny (7) and Davy (4). Jenny is delightful. I don't really see Davy.

My children are DD9 and DD6. They don't see Jenny and Davy socially but go to the same school as them.

Their mum is always pleasant to me, but only ever WhatsApps me if she wants something - "Hi MyVeryFirstCF, how are you, can I borrow some eggs?" would be a standard message from her.

On a few occasions when there has been an emergency she has asked me to take Jenny to school. I have always been fine for this. However, when I had Covid, I asked if she could walk my non-Covidy child to school, and she made a bit of a fuss saying she normally drives to school (a 7 minute walk), and that little Davy didn't have any gloves and his hands would get cold. I offered to lend her gloves. She eventually agreed. (It didn't happen in the end as DH managed to WFH that day.)

Last week CF neighbour had a small car accident which has led to her car being off the road.

She texted me yesterday morning asking if I would take Jenny to school. I didn't see her message immediately but replied within 10 minutes saying yes, and saying I'd call for her at 8.30. At 8.30 CF neighbour answered the door wearing basically no clothes saying that Jenny wasn't ready, and she hadn't seen my reply (why wouldn't you check?!) So she had to take her herself.

Then she texted me again this morning asking if I would take Jenny. I did. Jenny is no problem at all - a really lovely girl, but my girls don't know her well and sort of clam up. This is a shame because I really enjoy the school run as a bit of time I get to spend talking to my girls away from the distractions of screens / homework / getting food ready etc.

The reason given for this morning's request was that her younger child was still asleep. Although, when I called, it was clear CF neighbour wasn't dressed again. She has told me in the past that Jenny hates walking. Jenny has told me that she loves to walk, and that it's her mum who hates walking! (It's literally 7 minutes.)

She also has a husband who WFH every day, but I literally never see him with the children, so I don't think she gets any support from him.

Would I be unreasonable to say no to any future (non-emergency) requests, and how do I do this whilst maintaining a decent enough relationship that we can ask each other for actual emergencies?

[YoYoYoYoSup]

A lot happens behind closed doors. This woman is struggling, I don't believe she's purely just a cheeky fucker. The fact the daughter isn't allowed to do anything she wants to do like walk or even ask her parents about an after school club. The fact the woman answers the door naked rather than ask her DH to do the odd school run. There is stuff going on and she's asking for help - I'm sure social services would consider some support or help - they're not just there to investigate abuse - which frankly they don't have enough power to sort out anyway hence baby P and all these other horrific cases. If you see something - say something even if it seems small.

[CloseYourEyesAndSee]

@YoYoYoYoSup

A lot happens behind closed doors. This woman is struggling, I don't believe she's purely just a cheeky fucker. The fact the daughter isn't allowed to do anything she wants to do like walk or even ask her parents about an after school club. The fact the woman answers the door naked rather than ask her DH to do the odd school run. There is stuff going on and she's asking for help - I'm sure social services would consider some support or help - they're not just there to investigate abuse - which frankly they don't have enough power to sort out anyway hence baby P and all these other horrific cases. If you see something - say something even if it seems small.

There is absolutely nothing in the OP's accounts of this family that would warrant a referral to children services. I assure you of that (social work manager)
They simply would not do anything with this. Nothing.

[WTF475878237NC]

YoYoYoYoSup

I hope you're wrong and this woman is OK. I do see what you mean about the context. It isn't just CF.

[Snog]

I'm sure CF could pay someone to take her dd to school if necessary as you say they have plenty of money.

[MinnieGirl]

If she can find time to message you at 6.20 am she’s got time to get her child ready and get dressed….
And she has a husband….
Don’t allow yourself to feel guilty.
She is a massive CF and if she’s not going to ever ask you again, you can get the flags out

[Mummy1608]

Maybe she is having a hard time for whatever reason- hidden disability or abusive DH or something. But - that's still not your responsibility whatsoever! She hasn't gained any goodwill by helping you when she could. She's not your sister or childhood friend or anything.

She either has her own relatives who can help or she can pay for help or she can access official help (DV charity etc as applicable, although i think it's unlikely). You owe her nothing and have already been very helpful.

[MyVeryFirstCF]

I agree I think there is more going on behind closed doors; we sometimes (albeit rarely) hear shouting.

But I think she is absolutely tone-deaf about what it is and isn't OK to ask someone to help / lend etc. Once when I lent her my hoover, I had to ask three or four times to get it back. Everything is effortful with her.

All this would be OK if we were friends, but she's never said, "Why don't you pop over for coffee", or - as I have done when a friend has done emergency impromptu childcare in the past - taken over a small gift, flowers etc. to say thanks.

Just to be clear, I don't expect flowers for taking someone's kid to school! It's hard to explain. It doesn't feel equitable, is all.

[SockFluffInTheBath]

You’ve done the right thing OP, pay no attention to ‘I’ll never ask again’ guilt trip nonsense. Don’t message her again about this, she wants you to talk yourself round to being her school run childminder.

[Dacquoise]

You haven't made the world a slightly worse place, you've been guilty by someone for setting a boundry. Having met quite a few CFs in my life and struggling to say no, I can tell uou that inevitably when you do set a boundary they act in similar ways, ie over the top defensiveness, guilt tripping and playing the victim. Absolutely no self reflection on their part, lots on yours because you're empathetic about perhaps getting it 'wrong'. The mystery illness may be true, it could well be a manipulation. How are you supposed to judge that if it's 'private'?

Expect a chilly campaign of being ignored for your punishment.

[Dacquoise]

Apologies for the typos, fat fingers!

As the penquins say, when you come across her again, "smile and wave boys, smile and wave"

[IncompleteSenten]

Ignore her manipulative bullshit.

[pinkBamboo]

This story is online everywhere !

[Eddielizzard]

Her reaction, imo, was designed to make you backtrack and offer to take her DD, hopefully, every day. Again, no thought for you or your DD's life, commitments, welfare, let alone reciprocation. This is how this neighbourliness thing works - give and take. Helping each other. Not constantly demanding and then over reacting when the answer is no. The whole first text being 'it's the last time' - she knows, you know it won't.

I wouldn't respond. Guarantee you, she'll be quiet for a few weeks, and then it'll start up again.

[Suzi888]

@AchillesPoirot

I would just say no it doesn’t suit today.

I wouldn’t even use her for an actual emergency because people like her never keep it to emergencies.

^. Plus she will never help you. Never….

[custardbear]

Bloody hell OP what an entitled drama queen you have! Perhaps she is sick but her DH could easily help
Her over dramatic response makes it clear she's laying on her chaise longue, hand on forehead, fanning herself and working out how to tell people how awful you are ... but suspect everyone already has her number

[whumpthereitis]

@MyVeryFirstCF

Her message came in at 6.20 a.m. She asked if she could ask a favour "one last time".

I replied I don't mind helping out in an emergency but I'd promised DDs that they had me to themselves this morning. I asked if her DH could take Jenny if she wasn't able to.

She replied no problem and she would never ask again.

I said that I was always really happy to help in an emergency (and listed some! Like Covid, someone in hospital etc.) but I said that day-to-day it was special time for me with the girls.

Then she sent a really long message, guilt-tripping me massively about how she's not well but can't tell me what it is because it's private. She said she never planned to have me walk her daughter regularly and finished off with telling me she would never ask me for any help of any kind, ever again.

I said that that wasn't what I'd said at all and I was very happy to help in an emergency (and hoped she would help us out in a pinch too), and I said that I hoped she would feel better soon.

She said she will never, ever ask me for anything again and it's a lesson she's learned.

Her message was SO over the top. I'm not sure if I've appropriately enforced boundaries or just made the world a slightly worse place.

Reads like she’s realized she’s been caught out being a cf and now she’s stomping her feet because you’ve enforced a boundary.

It’s an over the top reaction full of emotional blackmail that she intends for you to feel guilt over. So don’t. You don’t need to justify or explain yourself to her. Either don’t respond any more or send a 👍🏻

[IamtheDevilsAvocado]

@Brendabigbaps

Why are you keeping the for emergencies route open? She didn’t help you in your emergency before, what makes you think she will this time.

Just say no

This...

There are plenty of folk who are rampant CF... And mutter... Oh yes I'll do that for you if you're stuck /emergency... And NEVER DO....

I remember an acquaintance I'd done massive favours for... Eg whole afternoons of hospital appts that I ferried her to and waited for her and drove her back.. Often rearranged stuff at short notice so I could help...at least 3 or 4 times over 6 months or so. And the one time I desperately needed her to take a key to my place, to let a plumber in(a sudden flood from washing machibe /sink) , when I was driving 3 hours to see a very sick relative... She suddenly 'can't, I'm off to tescos soon' .

She was genuinely surprised the next time when she said... 'my next hosp appt is on thurs at 2-so you can pick me up at 1. 30-OK?)i declined...

Sbe was soooo angry... And bad mouthed me to all the neighbors...

I avoided her from then on... It was a good lesson.

[PunishmentRoundupWithJoon]

You've done nothing wrong here, as I'm sure you know. She's been taking advantage, regardless of her circumstances. Her over the top message is proof that she's annoyed you're not dancing to her tune now. It's inconvenient for her. You've done nothing to sour cordial neighbourly relations - she has.

[IncompleteSenten]

If she starts again with the "I'll never ever ask" bullshit - please don't go on about emergencies.
Reply that's probably for the best. Thanks.

[IamtheDevilsAvocado]

@ArnoldBee

There seems to be an assumption here that everyone is fit and healthy. The 4 year old may not sleep all night. Dave Senior may not be able to take the kids to school. There maybe more going on than you know.

Yes bit surely if this was true you'd say...

Dave has broken his leg and my 4 year old was up with D&V... Could you take the kids to school please?

[GiantHaystacks2021]

Email her the link to this thread.

[Chocolatehamper]

I'd just send her a thumbs up!

[BorderlineHappy]

Ah she's going down the old emotional blackmail route.

You don't have to explain yourself.
But take that text with a pinch of salt as shell text you in the morning.
All sweetness and light.
Be on guard.

[Salome61]

I do think you should stay clear of this person. My friend's kindness towards her neighbour had a life changing effect on her family life.

[latriciamcneal]

YANBU My neighbour and myself share childcare and borrow/lend things, but it's completely reciprocal. We both try to do as much for each other as possible and are also good friends.

But if I don't want to do something I just say I have work as I'm busy, because I always have work and can always be busy.

So 'can you do this for me tomorrow?'

"no, sorry I have work all day"