Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to my CF neighbour?

232 replies

MyVeryFirstCF · 05/04/2022 09:10

I'm unsure if I'm being petty here.

Context:

Next-door neighbour has two children, let's call them Jenny (7) and Davy (4). Jenny is delightful. I don't really see Davy.

My children are DD9 and DD6. They don't see Jenny and Davy socially but go to the same school as them.

Their mum is always pleasant to me, but only ever WhatsApps me if she wants something - "Hi MyVeryFirstCF, how are you, can I borrow some eggs?" would be a standard message from her.

On a few occasions when there has been an emergency she has asked me to take Jenny to school. I have always been fine for this. However, when I had Covid, I asked if she could walk my non-Covidy child to school, and she made a bit of a fuss saying she normally drives to school (a 7 minute walk), and that little Davy didn't have any gloves and his hands would get cold. I offered to lend her gloves. She eventually agreed. (It didn't happen in the end as DH managed to WFH that day.)

Last week CF neighbour had a small car accident which has led to her car being off the road.

She texted me yesterday morning asking if I would take Jenny to school. I didn't see her message immediately but replied within 10 minutes saying yes, and saying I'd call for her at 8.30. At 8.30 CF neighbour answered the door wearing basically no clothes saying that Jenny wasn't ready, and she hadn't seen my reply (why wouldn't you check?!) So she had to take her herself.

Then she texted me again this morning asking if I would take Jenny. I did. Jenny is no problem at all - a really lovely girl, but my girls don't know her well and sort of clam up. This is a shame because I really enjoy the school run as a bit of time I get to spend talking to my girls away from the distractions of screens / homework / getting food ready etc.

The reason given for this morning's request was that her younger child was still asleep. Although, when I called, it was clear CF neighbour wasn't dressed again. She has told me in the past that Jenny hates walking. Jenny has told me that she loves to walk, and that it's her mum who hates walking! (It's literally 7 minutes.)

She also has a husband who WFH every day, but I literally never see him with the children, so I don't think she gets any support from him.

Would I be unreasonable to say no to any future (non-emergency) requests, and how do I do this whilst maintaining a decent enough relationship that we can ask each other for actual emergencies?

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 05/04/2022 15:43

If you do think there are issues rather than the mum being a CF I would make a safeguarding report to the school

LookItsMeAgain · 05/04/2022 15:51

My new advice would be sending a reply "“Hi CFer, I’m not able to help you get Jenny to school. My mornings are manic enough without adding someone else’s child into the mix and to be honest, the time spent chatting to with my two on the way there is our quality time.”

Why are you knocking to collect Jenny? Why isn't the CFer neighbour getting Jenny ready and telling her to knock on your door? You're the one doing them a favour, why do you have to knock for Jenny at all????

Atomiccat · 05/04/2022 15:56

@MyDcAreMarvel

How far is the walk again , it wasn’t very clear?
7 minutes. Literally.
Original poster
MyVeryFirstCF · 05/04/2022 16:14

@MyDcAreMarvel

How far is the walk again , it wasn’t very clear?
Grin
OP posts:
Original poster
MyVeryFirstCF · 05/04/2022 16:18

@LookItsMeAgain

My new advice would be sending a reply "“Hi CFer, I’m not able to help you get Jenny to school. My mornings are manic enough without adding someone else’s child into the mix and to be honest, the time spent chatting to with my two on the way there is our quality time.”

Why are you knocking to collect Jenny? Why isn't the CFer neighbour getting Jenny ready and telling her to knock on your door? You're the one doing them a favour, why do you have to knock for Jenny at all????

I prefer to knock for Jenny; I suspect if I said 8.30 at my house, she wouldn't show up on time, and then I'm stuck waiting with my girls anxious to leave for school.

By showing up at her house, she's either ready to go, in which case great, or not, in which case we go without her.

In answer to a PP, I don't think she'd be (significantly) late to school if I didn't take her. I suspect the mum just thinks I'm going anyway, so it doesn't make sense for her to have to get dressed too!

The mum is a bit flaky in other ways (has no idea which class her children are in, forgets inset days, always asks me when the end of the holidays are etc.) but I put that down to general disorganisation, not significant enough to be a safeguarding concern (I have some experience with this in my day job).

If she asks again tomorrow morning, I'll have my answer ready!

OP posts:
NippyWoowoo · 05/04/2022 17:12

Honestly your story is fine without the added drama of this This is a shame because I really enjoy the school run as a bit of time I get to spend talking to my girls away from the distractions of screens / homework / getting food ready etc.

You don't need a warm and fuzzy bleurgh excuse to justify being put out by someone.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 06/04/2022 01:07

Let us know how you get on.

Valeriekat · 06/04/2022 02:40

@ArnoldBee

There seems to be an assumption here that everyone is fit and healthy. The 4 year old may not sleep all night. Dave Senior may not be able to take the kids to school. There maybe more going on than you know.
Not the OPs responsibility.
Valeriekat · 06/04/2022 02:52

@MaudieandMe

OP. I find your attitude a bit sad, to be honest. If she’s your next door neighbour and they all go to the same school, why don’t the girls play together normally? They’re all of a similar enough age?

I have no neighbours within about half a mile so there’s no-one nearby for DS to play with. He has a friend who lives around 2 miles away (nearest friend) who often bikes over to play.

Really? Have you read the thread? Not the OPs responsibility! Your circumstances are completely irrelevant. The child HAS friends of her own.
Bogeyes · 06/04/2022 02:56

She is a lazy cow who is taking advantage of your good nature. The more you do for her the more she will expect. It will become your job to do the school run. Stop it asap. If she is too lazy to go to the shop for eggs etc ...that's her problem. Cheeky bitch and her lazy piss taking husband.

Weatherwax13 · 06/04/2022 03:00

I think your proposed answer is perfect.
That woman needs therapy to work out why she thinks asking you for help with her child is more appropriate than asking their other parent. Who's actually in the fucking house!

Changeee1546789 · 06/04/2022 04:07

Just don't read her messages until it is too late. But agree with PP knock it on the head quickly - I had a similar scenario with a CF of the highest order and looking back I cannot believe how gullible I was.

Ikeptgoing · 06/04/2022 07:28

I would text reply back as it is easier to ignore a cajoling response (CFs don't like being told no)

"Sorry no, this only works if it's for the occasional and genuine emergency and if it's reciprocated. It's neither. I'm not regular childcare "

(If you need to expand...)

".... My girls enjoy our walk to school chatting, we won't give that up for anything but an emergency.

You or DS not getting up in time isn't an emergency, surely as your DH is home he can look after DS"

Quincythequince · 06/04/2022 07:50

It's no skin off my nose really, but my girls are always a bit disappointed on the mornings they don't get me to themselves

Really OP. You’ve done this only a handful of times, but your girls are disappointed for a seven minute walk! This is most bizarre tbh for such short walk to school and so infrequently.

Just say no! Don’t do it.
You can either say ‘no, I’m not doing this’ directly or read her message but don’t respond, or just not check your phone. She’s clearly trying to take advantage if you don’t want to do it, then don’t.

Quincythequince · 06/04/2022 07:55

Goodness OP, I have voted YANBU but really. Get a backbone.

If she knocks on your door, say ‘you’re up, why are you asking me’ or say ‘I’m running late, sorry’. Or just say ‘why can’t your DH do it’ or just say ‘no’

This is a non-issue.

I had a friend ask me to go out and collect her kids from an ASC (mine weren’t there) as she wa running late. I was about 7 months pregnant with my third, her husband was at home, but working and so didn’t want to do the 2 minute drive to the school!

I said no, and so she said ‘she’d have to ask him’…

Err, no shit!

Quincythequince · 06/04/2022 07:59

@MyVeryFirstCF

The whole "no is a complete sentence" doesn't really work for cordial neighbour relations, does it?

In the real world, I don't know anyone who gets asked for a favour and says no, without giving some apology and/or context.

It's especially awkward if I say no, and she can literally see me walking my own children to school 5 minutes later.

And being a CF doesn’t work either. She has soured this, not you.

And yes you can just say ‘No’ I agree it’s a bit blunt, but I would have no problem saying ‘not today’ and leaving it at that.

Whatsmyname100 · 06/04/2022 08:43

@ArnoldBee

There seems to be an assumption here that everyone is fit and healthy. The 4 year old may not sleep all night. Dave Senior may not be able to take the kids to school. There maybe more going on than you know.
And so?? What does any of that have to do with op. This is how people become mixed up with others issues. This woman is clearly a user. I would just ignore messages from now.
bigbluebus · 06/04/2022 09:00

I think you know enough about this neighbour to know that she wouldn't be the one you rely on in an emergency for your DD so you've no need to 'get one in the bag'.
I think you need to make it clear that you will help in a dire emergency but anything else is her problem. If 'dire emergencies' seem to be cropping up on a regular basis it sounds as though you will quickly suss this out from info given by her DD - at which point you refuse to help out further - unless you see an ambulance/fire engine outside the house!
I was often the go to emergency help for a couple of families on our street when DS was at the local primary school. I very quickly learnt who the CF was that I couldn't rely on to reciprocate! One example was when neighbour was stuck at work and she rang to ask if I could pick her DC up from school. Only on that particular day she had rung my landline and left a message on the answerphone. Unfortunately I was at a hospital appointment and had arranged for another neighbour to collect my DS from school that day. It was only when I went to collect DS from that neighbour that I found out there'd been a kerfuffle at the school door with me looking like the bad guy for not collecting these children!!
On another occasion I'd asked her to collect DS (if I wasn't at the school gate) as my other DC had an appointment. Fortunately the appointment was quick and I was back in time for end of school - which was just as well as neighbours DC hadn't actually gone to school that day due to illness but she'd not bothered to tell me!! That was the last time I got involved in childcare with her.

LookItsMeAgain · 06/04/2022 09:58

Did she ask again?

longwayoff · 06/04/2022 10:02

Do what she does. "No, don't feel like it today, bye". Phrase it more tactfully. Stop accommodating this CF she will get more demanding and intrusive. And stop feeling bad about it, she'll soon find another 'helper'.

Original poster
MyVeryFirstCF · 06/04/2022 10:08

She didn't ask again this morning. I suspect yesterday's ask was because I'd said yes the day previously, and then she ended up not taking me up on it (because she hadn't read her texts), so she felt she was "owed one".

After reflecting on it, I think one of the reasons I'm so annoyed is that her husband does fuck all, and she is enabling this. I'm a huge feminist, and DH and I share childcare as equitably as possible, and it irritates me she'd rather bother me than her husband.

I'm reluctant to call it out, partly because I don't like conflict, but also because she's from a different culture to me, and is very Christian and I suspect has values that childcare is women's work.

Once she wanted to borrow something - I was out, but I told her to knock on the door and ask DH, but she would rather wait two hours until I was home as she didn't want to disturb DH! My time is apparently less valuable.

Or perhaps I'm just skewing it and it's nothing to do with feminism and she's just a CF!

OP posts:
WinniesHunny · 06/04/2022 10:20

@MaudieandMe

OP. I find your attitude a bit sad, to be honest. If she’s your next door neighbour and they all go to the same school, why don’t the girls play together normally? They’re all of a similar enough age?

I have no neighbours within about half a mile so there’s no-one nearby for DS to play with. He has a friend who lives around 2 miles away (nearest friend) who often bikes over to play.

Get your DS to read with you, then you might actually be able to comprehend what it written in front of your eyes.
Datada · 06/04/2022 10:45

In a firm but fair tone, 'No, that doesn't work for me'. She is a CF who will use every excuse under the sun. You have to get you, and your own children to school. You have enough on your plate. Don't enable her bad parenting. Let the school see her child arriving late each day, it's her problem, don't make it yours. And let your children enjoy your time together, you can't get these years back in the future. It's nice that you care, but not appropriate for this one.
A school mum tried to use me to babysit, while she went out drinking at night. I said, l'm not your free baby sitter! She ditched me and l was relieved.

Newestname002 · 06/04/2022 13:05

@MyVeryFirstCF

I'm reluctant to call it out, partly because I don't like conflict, but also because she's from a different culture to me, and is very Christian and I suspect has values that childcare is women's work.

OP, CFs come from all sorts of cultures. Don't make this harder for yourself. Eg: returning her text message at 07:30 instead of when she originally texted you at 06:30, really doesn't help solve the problem. Ignoring her message entirely would have been closer to the mark. 🌹

BashfulClam · 06/04/2022 13:37

Don’t respond to her message till after the school run. ‘Sorry I was so busy I didn’t get this. Hope you got sorted!’

Swipe left for the next trending thread