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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to my CF neighbour?

232 replies

MyVeryFirstCF · 05/04/2022 09:10

I'm unsure if I'm being petty here.

Context:

Next-door neighbour has two children, let's call them Jenny (7) and Davy (4). Jenny is delightful. I don't really see Davy.

My children are DD9 and DD6. They don't see Jenny and Davy socially but go to the same school as them.

Their mum is always pleasant to me, but only ever WhatsApps me if she wants something - "Hi MyVeryFirstCF, how are you, can I borrow some eggs?" would be a standard message from her.

On a few occasions when there has been an emergency she has asked me to take Jenny to school. I have always been fine for this. However, when I had Covid, I asked if she could walk my non-Covidy child to school, and she made a bit of a fuss saying she normally drives to school (a 7 minute walk), and that little Davy didn't have any gloves and his hands would get cold. I offered to lend her gloves. She eventually agreed. (It didn't happen in the end as DH managed to WFH that day.)

Last week CF neighbour had a small car accident which has led to her car being off the road.

She texted me yesterday morning asking if I would take Jenny to school. I didn't see her message immediately but replied within 10 minutes saying yes, and saying I'd call for her at 8.30. At 8.30 CF neighbour answered the door wearing basically no clothes saying that Jenny wasn't ready, and she hadn't seen my reply (why wouldn't you check?!) So she had to take her herself.

Then she texted me again this morning asking if I would take Jenny. I did. Jenny is no problem at all - a really lovely girl, but my girls don't know her well and sort of clam up. This is a shame because I really enjoy the school run as a bit of time I get to spend talking to my girls away from the distractions of screens / homework / getting food ready etc.

The reason given for this morning's request was that her younger child was still asleep. Although, when I called, it was clear CF neighbour wasn't dressed again. She has told me in the past that Jenny hates walking. Jenny has told me that she loves to walk, and that it's her mum who hates walking! (It's literally 7 minutes.)

She also has a husband who WFH every day, but I literally never see him with the children, so I don't think she gets any support from him.

Would I be unreasonable to say no to any future (non-emergency) requests, and how do I do this whilst maintaining a decent enough relationship that we can ask each other for actual emergencies?

OP posts:
thecurtainsofdestiny · 05/04/2022 10:02

Don't check your phone in the morning

AnxiousHeffalump · 05/04/2022 10:04

Block her number and if she ever asks, say you got a new phone.

pinkyredrose · 05/04/2022 10:09

What dies it matter if her 4 yr old is asleep if her DH is home?

Original poster
MyVeryFirstCF · 05/04/2022 10:10

@pinkyredrose

What dies it matter if her 4 yr old is asleep if her DH is home?
This is an excellent question. I felt a bit too awkward to ask, but I think he considers himself VERY BUSY AND IMPORTANT and childcare is beneath him.
OP posts:
Sartre · 05/04/2022 10:13

YANBU. You’re neighbours, not family or best friends. Doesn’t sound like you’re even particularly close and your DC don’t get along so what is the point in this ‘arrangement’ exactly? She’s just a pisstaker.

WhenDovesFly · 05/04/2022 10:14

@pinkyredrose

What dies it matter if her 4 yr old is asleep if her DH is home?
Exactly what I was about to say.

Sounds like she just can't be arsed to walk. If she texts again tomorrow, ask her direct "I'll help if it's an emergency, what's the emergency this time?" If her excuse is poor then stand up for yourself and say "That's not an emergency. I'm happy to help when it's critical, but I'm not here for your convenience".

Having no car for a 7 minute walk is not an emergency. Nor is the fact she can't get her 4yo up in time, especially when she has a DH who WFH.

BlueOverYellow · 05/04/2022 10:16

Agree with others. Stop checking your phone in the mornings.
She has a husband at home. There is no 'emergency' that the two of them can't cope with between them ... not wanting to get up and go out isn't an 'emergency', it's just lazy.

Cherrysoup · 05/04/2022 10:17

So her Dh is working from home with the 4 year old still in bed? What the hell? Basically the neighbour can’t be arsed to take her dd to school, therefore? Beyond cf!

LookItsMeAgain · 05/04/2022 10:23

My advice is to do what suits you. If you agree to take Jenny to school, she must be at your house by a certain time. You're not going to be calling for her (even if it's on your way).

Also, stop loaning her other bits and pieces. If she sends messages like that, I'd ignore them until several hours later and go "Oops. only seeing this now. Hope you got sorted."

Beamur · 05/04/2022 10:23

One of my neighbours has a no nonsense approach to lifts. She's happy to offer the occasional lift to waifs and strays in an emergency but the liftee has to be ready and waiting as she leaves her house. The time is fixed and if the child is late the lift has already departed!

Thatsplentyjack · 05/04/2022 10:23

Yes she is cheeky but to be honest I think you were cheeky to insist she changes her plans and walks to school to accommodate you. You're both cheeky fuckers.

Catflapkitkat · 05/04/2022 10:24

I agree with the above poster. You are her contact for emergencies, but when you had a valid emergency she didn't help you.

As she is a neighbour, I agree you don't want an actual 'fall out'. Nothing worse than the - 'oh no, it's them - oh thanks goodness they are not out' dance with neighbours you are avoiding.

I think the not reading the texts. If it gets too much - you can say, I use the morning walk to talk about school, activities and practice spelling tests etc., so if it's not I think it's best if we stick to talking our own kids to school.

Whooshaagh · 05/04/2022 10:25

Just reply
Can't help today. Bye.

Wondergirl100 · 05/04/2022 10:25

It's annoying when people are cheeky like this - but I think of all the reasons you give the one that seems sad to me is that your girls don't like it

I've always really pushed to my kids that we are sociable and helpful to neighbours - this means they spend time with other children because they are our neighbours even if they aren't always keen at first. Your children live with you surely they can spare 7 minutes to chat with a neighbour

Can you see this from a selfish perspective? Over the 10 years I've lived on my road it has benefited me and my kids HUGELY to have friends in nearby homes- I personally have loved having children around for playdates/ winter afternoon company/ garden play in summer - so nice as a backup when there are no other plans.

Obviously it's a shame if you dont totally like the parents but I think it may well be worth you keeping this friendship going between the girls - surely if they are school together and are neighbours its worth cultivating that friendship???

Whooshaagh · 05/04/2022 10:25

You don't need any reason.

WTF475878237NC · 05/04/2022 10:26

Why don't you suggest a reciprocal arrangement, whereby if you take her kids two days a week, then she takes yours two days?

I know this is not what you want, but it's even less what she wants, so she'll say no and realise you're not prepared to be doing something for nothing for her.

^ this is what I'd do too. Make it clear that you'd offer and expect a set time, day of the week etc forcing her to decline as she can't get organised and just wants you to do it for her. Then say ok well we'll keep it to phone calls for emergencies only.

Whooshaagh · 05/04/2022 10:29

@Wondergirl100
It's annoying when people are cheeky like this - but I think of all the reasons you give the one that seems sad to me is that your girls don't like it

Well that's a leap.
I think its good that the OP is teaching her dc boundaries.
They can still be friendly with neighbours.

Brendabigbaps · 05/04/2022 10:30

Why are you keeping the for emergencies route open? She didn’t help you in your emergency before, what makes you think she will this time.

Just say no

Beautiful3 · 05/04/2022 10:32

This happened to me with a couple of neighbours. One husband (was made redundant) sat at home while I took his daughter to school! I got annoyed by the second day, as it became expected rather than an emergency. So that second day I texted her to say, "I'm happy to cover emergencies, but don't want to make it a regular thing." She never asked me again. As long as you say it nicely, it will be fine. You could ignore further messages, if she does keep asking.

theremustonlybeone · 05/04/2022 10:36

Sorry but I would just stop agreeing. She wouldnt even recipriocate when you asked once when you were ill. That would have been enough for me.

She clearly is treating you as a mug while she floats around in her dressing gown having a lazy morning whilst you take her DC to school. Surprised she hasnt starting asking you to pick her up too.

NorthSouthcatlady · 05/04/2022 10:40

I wouldn’t get involved again. It sounds like way too much hassle and stress in the morning. Not your fault the adult neighbours are annoying CF’s

FromOurHatsToOurFeet · 05/04/2022 10:40

I hadn't factored in Dave Sr. Can you push it back everytime? "Can't Dave Sr help?" "What about her dad?" "Why can't Dave do it?"

Anoisagusaris · 05/04/2022 10:42

She’s completely lazy but ‘my girls don’t like it’ when Jenny is a nice child is a very flaky reason. If I wanted to help someone very occasionally then my kids have to lump it. It’s one day.

Swayingpalmtrees · 05/04/2022 10:43

You will end up doing the school run for her every day, nip it in the bud.

I would ignore her messages for days on end, and then answer (if you want to) and keep being very very busy, and tell her you are busy and won't always be able to respond. I had a 'friend' like this and it will only get worse.

PineappleWilson · 05/04/2022 10:49

The phrase you need here is "You're so lucky your DH is at home to help. See you later" and ignore.