Page 4 | To say no to my CF neighbour?

Fairislefandango · 05/04/2022 11:48

I think helping out now and then should trump your dds wanting to be walked to school with you alone.

If the CF actually really needed help, maybe. But the CF doesn't actually need help, does she? She just cba to walk for 7 minutes and has a husband who cba to look after his own children for a very brief interval.

Stop enabling the cheeky fuckery, OP,and don't feel bad for one moment about it!

axolotlfloof · 05/04/2022 11:52

@Mummyoflittledragon

I think helping out now and then should trump your dds wanting to be walked to school with you alone. They get to do that everyday, I presume? But I would expect reciprocation. You could develop a migraine tomorrow and see if she will take your dds for you.

The OP's children should absolutely be her first priority. She sounds like she enjoys walking them to school and doesn't want CF to drive her children there. CF should make her own arrangements or ask favours of friends rather than people who owe her nothing.

LikeABreathRipplingBy · 05/04/2022 11:56

People like this always escalate their requests. First it's an emergency. Then it's every day, then it's after school, then it's babysitting, followed by shopping, lifts.... And so on....

Indicatrice · 05/04/2022 12:04

[quote Naunet]**@Wondergirl100
It's annoying when people are cheeky like this - but I think of all the reasons you give the one that seems sad to me is that your girls don't like it

I’d say it’s far sadder that their own father doesn’t like it.[/quote]
Exactly! But it seems men are exempt from this sadness.

wtfwasthatmate · 05/04/2022 12:14

I completely agree that you should stop answering her texts and just 'not see them'. Her and her husband need to get their shit together.

I feel sorry for the kid though. I had disinterested parents who couldn't be bothered doing things with me. Other people quite often drove me home from school. I really appreciate the parents looking back who were kind to me and didn't treat me like a burden. My best friends mum didn't like my mum (and me possibly) and I knew it. She'd drive past me every day even though we lived on the same street, even in the pouring rain.
I don't know why some people have kids honestly.

strawflower · 05/04/2022 12:24

What does CF mean? 😄

Beautiful3 · 05/04/2022 12:25

You could.just message saying, sorry, I can't do tomorrow. Just keep saying that every time. If she asks why, explain that you and your daughter enjoy the one to.one time together in the mornings. Nothing wrong with that!

GiantHaystacks2021 · 05/04/2022 12:31

Tell her no.
There'll be no end to this, if you agree.

Dottielottie123 · 05/04/2022 12:33

I think ignore your phone or a simple ‘ sorry I can’t’ if she asks why, which is rude.. explain ‘ because it is not my job to when she lives with two grown adults who are capable, I don’t mind in an emergency however it would have been nice had you done the same
For me when I had an emergency.

Some people will take take take until you stop giving

SpiderinaWingMirror · 05/04/2022 12:48

Agree, ignore her messages.
Typical cf behaviour. She thinks as you are up and dressed and she isn't, you might as well take her child.
In a real emergency she would leave her house and knock on the door. You can't rely on her being there for you at any point.
And I doubt she would challenge you on it.

HollowTalk · 05/04/2022 12:55

Your healthy 4 YO isn't awake at 7.30 a.m. for the school run? Wake him up!

Her husband is in the house anyway!

I think this woman won't rest until you're taking her DC every day. I just wouldn't look at my phone in the morning and say say no every single time. She didn't return the favour, so she is clearly just using you.

Alondra · 05/04/2022 13:05

@MyVeryFirstCF

I'm unsure if I'm being petty here.

Context:

Next-door neighbour has two children, let's call them Jenny (7) and Davy (4). Jenny is delightful. I don't really see Davy.

My children are DD9 and DD6. They don't see Jenny and Davy socially but go to the same school as them.

Their mum is always pleasant to me, but only ever WhatsApps me if she wants something - "Hi MyVeryFirstCF, how are you, can I borrow some eggs?" would be a standard message from her.

On a few occasions when there has been an emergency she has asked me to take Jenny to school. I have always been fine for this. However, when I had Covid, I asked if she could walk my non-Covidy child to school, and she made a bit of a fuss saying she normally drives to school (a 7 minute walk), and that little Davy didn't have any gloves and his hands would get cold. I offered to lend her gloves. She eventually agreed. (It didn't happen in the end as DH managed to WFH that day.)

Last week CF neighbour had a small car accident which has led to her car being off the road.

She texted me yesterday morning asking if I would take Jenny to school. I didn't see her message immediately but replied within 10 minutes saying yes, and saying I'd call for her at 8.30. At 8.30 CF neighbour answered the door wearing basically no clothes saying that Jenny wasn't ready, and she hadn't seen my reply (why wouldn't you check?!) So she had to take her herself.

Then she texted me again this morning asking if I would take Jenny. I did. Jenny is no problem at all - a really lovely girl, but my girls don't know her well and sort of clam up. This is a shame because I really enjoy the school run as a bit of time I get to spend talking to my girls away from the distractions of screens / homework / getting food ready etc.

The reason given for this morning's request was that her younger child was still asleep. Although, when I called, it was clear CF neighbour wasn't dressed again. She has told me in the past that Jenny hates walking. Jenny has told me that she loves to walk, and that it's her mum who hates walking! (It's literally 7 minutes.)

She also has a husband who WFH every day, but I literally never see him with the children, so I don't think she gets any support from him.

Would I be unreasonable to say no to any future (non-emergency) requests, and how do I do this whilst maintaining a decent enough relationship that we can ask each other for actual emergencies?

Why would you think it's ok to say no when she's taking you for a ride?

I just don't get it. You know she is a CF (as the title of your post says) but then you ask if you are unresonable for no longer wanting to be a doormat?

Learn to say NO. It's a lovely single word with a complete meaning.

"Can you take Jenny to school"? NO
"Can I borrow some eggs" NO

Practice it. It will free you.

Salome61 · 05/04/2022 13:08

Do you think the Mum might have a drink problem? My friend had a similar experience.

Original poster

MyVeryFirstCF · 05/04/2022 13:12

Thanks all - seems that perhaps I'm not being unreasonable.

To answer a couple of points - should my children "suck it up" even though they don't really talk much on the school run when Jenny's with us? Yes. For an actual emergency, they absolutely should. But I haven't felt anything this week is an actual emergency situation.

My DDs are friendly enough to Jenny, but they are in different school years. They don't see each other outside of school, other than to smile and wave in passing. Jenny is allowed to play in the street outside our house. Mine aren't. (My eldest is allowed to go to a park with a friend, but not to literally play in the road.) So they aren't unfriendly, but neither are they buddies. Both DDs have plenty of other friends, so it's not an unsocial thing.

Re: the time I asked her to walk my child to school, when I had Covid and couldn't leave the house, in my mind this was an actual emergency. If I couldn't get my child to school, healthy DD would have unnecessarily missed a day. I couldn't leave the house because of Covid. It would totally have been fair enough if CF neighbour didn't want to do it because of fear of illness (even though DD had recovered from Covid a couple of months previously so was unlikely to be infectious) but she was totally willing to have DD in her car, so it really was just a reluctance to walk to school. I appreciate it was asking her to change her routine - hence the "favour" aspect - but a 7 minute walk is barely a hardship to help out a neighbour with Covid, surely?

Also, when I did text her to ask if she could take DD the next morning, she didn't answer her messages for over an hour (only relevant because I would have needed the time to phone around lots of other friends to find someone who was willing to detour to take DD to school) - eventually DH had to pop next door and ask her face-to-face - she claimed she'd been in the shower for an hour...

On a couple of occasions when I haven't answered my messages, she has actually turned up at the door and asked, so I'm not sure ignoring my phone will work.

I was trying to make conversation with her DD this morning and asked her if she did any after school clubs. She said no, but she'd like to do choir, but she doesn't want to ask stress her mum out... (After school clubs are £2 per week and run until 4.30 at the school, so about as low-effort as you can get.) Poor kid.

In terms of mental health stuff or the family not coping, it's possible. You never know what's going on. The mum doesn't work. The dad does something in finance. Money is definitely not a problem. I literally never see the dad. But it's not my job to be a surrogate childcare.

The more I type this out, the more convinced I am that the neighbour is just a CF.

OP posts:

Sceptre86 · 05/04/2022 13:13

I'd just say no it doesn't work for me. If she presses I'd repeat no. If her husband works from home he can take the kids to school. I don't drive (about to sit test) and I've had to take my older two to school and nursery in the snow, I wouldn't dream of asking my neighbour to take them even though her child goes to the same school unless she offered.

My dad used to drop off a family friends dd to school when we were in high school. She wouldn't utter a word when we tried to speak to her and it made for miserable mornings. Eventually my sister and I decided that unless the weather was awful we would walk to school (20 minutes). She would completely blank my sister at school too.

KeepYaHeadUp · 05/04/2022 13:15

@BonnesVacances

I'd think of the little girl tbh. She has shit parents who can't be bothered to get her to school sometimes. If it's no skin off your nose, apart from the principle of CFery, do it for her.

You could reply one time, I'll do it but would like you to repay the favour next time I ask. But I'm not sure it would make any difference.

Don't give her any more eggs though. Ignore the message.

This. In these scenarios, if a child is involved, I'd always avoid "punishing" a child inadvertently even if it means helping out/encouraging a CF. I understand you say it makes your children clam up, but perhaps they could get more familiar with her?

Dacquoise · 05/04/2022 13:15

So this woman isn't interested in you as a friend, your children and hers aren't friends but she has a regular list of asks which aren't graciously reciprocated. I suspect if you let this carry on you will build up resentment towards her and it won't end well. There's less likely to be a fall out if you insist on her respect for your boundaries by not allowing her to use you.

So why not allow this person to sort out her own 'problems' which may include recruiting the husband working from home to sort out their children or pop to the shops for eggs? This isn't your circus, nor your monkeys but trying to help her, which is a lovely trait by the way, isn't going to help her to step up and adult.

I also think she is the type of person who is used to and expects others to run around for her ie taker/user. 'Emergency only' probably won't work with her because her boundaries are skewed.

TwinMama6 · 05/04/2022 13:16

@Alsoplayspiccolo

We had a similar scenario with our NDN, except that our children are much older than theirs and never had anything to do with each other (they weren’t at the same school). It started with her asking me to pop round to help with bathtime, as she had a 2 year old and new twins. Then it was asking me to babysit between the time the child minder left and she got back from a night out. After that, she’d phone me to ask me to look after her 4th baby of one of the twins had had a toileting accident at nursery and she had to collect them. Then she’d call my DH randomly to ask him to fix something/plumb in a washing machine (she has a perfectly able-bodied DH!!).

My favourite incident was when she knocked on the door one evening with a huge laundry bag full of dirty washing and asked us to wash it for her, as they’d just got back from Center Parcs and it was too much for her to do in one go…. At 10pm the same night, she called to say her DH was on his way round to collect it so she could get it in the drier overnight.

She ended up calling me for favours whenever she was at home with the kids, and on the one occasion she offered a favour in return - having me and my 2 DC round for tea when I was poorly - she jibbed at the last minute.

I stopped answering her calls, so she started calling DH’s mobile.
Now neither of us answer her calls, and if she knocks on the door, I ignore that too.

😱 my nightmare neighbour

Original poster

MyVeryFirstCF · 05/04/2022 13:26

The whole "no is a complete sentence" doesn't really work for cordial neighbour relations, does it?

In the real world, I don't know anyone who gets asked for a favour and says no, without giving some apology and/or context.

It's especially awkward if I say no, and she can literally see me walking my own children to school 5 minutes later.

OP posts:

sqirrelfriends · 05/04/2022 13:28

YANBU, with a true CF these things always escalate. I've not experienced it yet but my mum has with a couple of my school friends mums.

One girls mum refused to come and get her even though she had really bad toothache from a split tooth. My mum had to take her to an out of hours dentist.

tanstaafl · 05/04/2022 13:29

This. In these scenarios, if a child is involved, I'd always avoid "punishing" a child inadvertently even if it means helping out/encouraging a CF. I understand you say it makes your children clam up, but perhaps they could get more familiar with her?

These kind of replies wind me up more than the CF’s behaviour.

What next? If OP sees Jenny on the street looking sad, OP should buy her a gift? How about OP buys a dog and takes Jenny with her on a walk.
If Jenny doesn’t look well, OP should go around and cook to ensure Jenny gets a decent meal?

WildBlueAndDitzy · 05/04/2022 13:38

Of course you have a reason to not take the neighbours child . It ruins your school run chat time with your own DC. That's a good enough reason. You familys needs are as important as your neighbours needs. But her need is her problem. She could get up earlier to take her DC herself or ask her WFH husband to do it before he starts. There's no need for you to be involved at all. She's doing what's easiest for her, which is to dump her childcare issues onto someone else.

Atomiccat · 05/04/2022 13:40

My favourite incident was when she knocked on the door one evening with a huge laundry bag full of dirty washing and asked us to wash it for her, as they’d just got back from Center Parcs and it was too much for her to do in one go…. At 10pm the same night, she called to say her DH was on his way round to collect it so she could get it in the drier overnight

So you said yes to doing her washing?

Templeblossom · 05/04/2022 13:45

@MyVeryFirstCF

The whole "no is a complete sentence" doesn't really work for cordial neighbour relations, does it?

In the real world, I don't know anyone who gets asked for a favour and says no, without giving some apology and/or context.

It's especially awkward if I say no, and she can literally see me walking my own children to school 5 minutes later.

Are you fussed about being cordial though? Shes a user and this will get worse and worse. Until one day you finally put your foot down, hard and she goes nuts. So firmly say No Im not taking your DD to school anymore, thats your job. The end. No whys needed.

WildBlueAndDitzy · 05/04/2022 13:46

@MyVeryFirstCF

The whole "no is a complete sentence" doesn't really work for cordial neighbour relations, does it?

In the real world, I don't know anyone who gets asked for a favour and says no, without giving some apology and/or context.

It's especially awkward if I say no, and she can literally see me walking my own children to school 5 minutes later.

But that's what she's playing off, your misplaced sense of obligation and guilt. If she's brazen enough to be a CF asking for help for no real reason other than she CBA, then she can take the truth. "Sorry no, neighbour, I really value the chance to chat with DDs during school run time and they clam up with someone else present". Don't even offer to help in an emergency, she's made it clear she's not there for you in an emergency when you had covid.