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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to my CF neighbour?

232 replies

MyVeryFirstCF · 05/04/2022 09:10

I'm unsure if I'm being petty here.

Context:

Next-door neighbour has two children, let's call them Jenny (7) and Davy (4). Jenny is delightful. I don't really see Davy.

My children are DD9 and DD6. They don't see Jenny and Davy socially but go to the same school as them.

Their mum is always pleasant to me, but only ever WhatsApps me if she wants something - "Hi MyVeryFirstCF, how are you, can I borrow some eggs?" would be a standard message from her.

On a few occasions when there has been an emergency she has asked me to take Jenny to school. I have always been fine for this. However, when I had Covid, I asked if she could walk my non-Covidy child to school, and she made a bit of a fuss saying she normally drives to school (a 7 minute walk), and that little Davy didn't have any gloves and his hands would get cold. I offered to lend her gloves. She eventually agreed. (It didn't happen in the end as DH managed to WFH that day.)

Last week CF neighbour had a small car accident which has led to her car being off the road.

She texted me yesterday morning asking if I would take Jenny to school. I didn't see her message immediately but replied within 10 minutes saying yes, and saying I'd call for her at 8.30. At 8.30 CF neighbour answered the door wearing basically no clothes saying that Jenny wasn't ready, and she hadn't seen my reply (why wouldn't you check?!) So she had to take her herself.

Then she texted me again this morning asking if I would take Jenny. I did. Jenny is no problem at all - a really lovely girl, but my girls don't know her well and sort of clam up. This is a shame because I really enjoy the school run as a bit of time I get to spend talking to my girls away from the distractions of screens / homework / getting food ready etc.

The reason given for this morning's request was that her younger child was still asleep. Although, when I called, it was clear CF neighbour wasn't dressed again. She has told me in the past that Jenny hates walking. Jenny has told me that she loves to walk, and that it's her mum who hates walking! (It's literally 7 minutes.)

She also has a husband who WFH every day, but I literally never see him with the children, so I don't think she gets any support from him.

Would I be unreasonable to say no to any future (non-emergency) requests, and how do I do this whilst maintaining a decent enough relationship that we can ask each other for actual emergencies?

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 05/04/2022 10:50

I think I’d just not see your phone messages in morning which will nip it in bud.

Alsoplayspiccolo · 05/04/2022 10:54

We had a similar scenario with our NDN, except that our children are much older than theirs and never had anything to do with each other (they weren’t at the same school).
It started with her asking me to pop round to help with bathtime, as she had a 2 year old and new twins.
Then it was asking me to babysit between the time the child minder left and she got back from a night out.
After that, she’d phone me to ask me to look after her 4th baby of one of the twins had had a toileting accident at nursery and she had to collect them.
Then she’d call my DH randomly to ask him to fix something/plumb in a washing machine (she has a perfectly able-bodied DH!!).

My favourite incident was when she knocked on the door one evening with a huge laundry bag full of dirty washing and asked us to wash it for her, as they’d just got back from Center Parcs and it was too much for her to do in one go…. At 10pm the same night, she called to say her DH was on his way round to collect it so she could get it in the drier overnight. Hmm

She ended up calling me for favours whenever she was at home with the kids, and on the one occasion she offered a favour in return - having me and my 2 DC round for tea when I was poorly - she jibbed at the last minute.

I stopped answering her calls, so she started calling DH’s mobile.
Now neither of us answer her calls, and if she knocks on the door, I ignore that too.

Cazalet · 05/04/2022 10:55

I would distance yourself and put your family first. I totally get the precious minutes with your children in the morning.

We had a similar situation 5 years ago, a family wanted to share the school run with us. I was fine with it but DH gave a hard no. It was pretty awkward with the other family, they were offended. At the time I thought DH was unreasonable, he said it was a half hour (in the car) when the kids really chatted and opened up about stuff. He was so right, that half hour was when all the worries, little confessions, friendship issues, unfair punishments and hilarious stories came out. For you it’s a 7 minute walk but it’s a lovely routine for your family and don’t let your disorganised neighbours steal it!

Marynotsocontrary · 05/04/2022 10:58

With regard to bringing your non-Covidy child to school when you had Covid (back when rules were stricter)...maybe she didn't want her family to get sick and was worried your daughter could be contagious?

godmum56 · 05/04/2022 10:59

@MyVeryFirstCF
"Because she didn't have our carseat and I couldn't leave the house to fit it because of Covid (this was back when rules were much more strict). Also, it's such a short walk that I wouldn't have considered that walking would be much of a chore."

oh ok so there was no carseat for your child, fair enough, that's a safety issue....but re the walking thing, if I was asked to do someone a favour, I wouldn't expect to change my normal way of doing stuff to do that favour.

t sounds to me as though you two are just not a good favour fit...its a transactional relationship, not a friendship....

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 05/04/2022 11:00

Not wanting to take your child to school when you had covid is completely different and tbf I wouldn't have either but she is either lazy or may have health issues regarding walking but I would refuse the school run

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/04/2022 11:00

I think helping out now and then should trump your dds wanting to be walked to school with you alone. They get to do that everyday, I presume? But I would expect reciprocation. You could develop a migraine tomorrow and see if she will take your dds for you.

ArnoldBee · 05/04/2022 11:04

There seems to be an assumption here that everyone is fit and healthy. The 4 year old may not sleep all night. Dave Senior may not be able to take the kids to school. There maybe more going on than you know.

OrangeBlossomsinthesun · 05/04/2022 11:05

If she asks again and you don't want to, just say "oh I can't today, sorry". Don't explain why.

MsMillyMollyMandy · 05/04/2022 11:05

Had a similar situation many years ago. A neighbour had just given birth and I offered to take her child to nursery . I expected it to be for a week or two until Mum got organised but it went in for two months. What bothered me was that the child was never ready and we were late nearly every day. Luckily it was time limited as it was summer term and her child was moving to another school for reception.
A few weeks later the family were getting a new roof. A skip outside their house was full of the old roof tiles. My husband asked if we could take 20 or 30 as our own roof was in need of a minor repair and the tiles would match. She was more than happy to let us have them for £1 each!
I was amused rather than annoyed at the total lack of self awareness. It feels good to help neighbours but your neighbour sounds like someone who will just take and take

JemimaTiggywinkle · 05/04/2022 11:06

Keep saying no and hopefully she’ll get the message. Ridiculous that taking the children to school is beneath their own father but fine to ask of you apparently!

Sounds like they’re just disorganised, often running late etc, but that’s really not your problem.

As pp says, don’t let it become a habit because it will be harder to stop.

Templeblossom · 05/04/2022 11:06

@Mummyoflittledragon

I think helping out now and then should trump your dds wanting to be walked to school with you alone. They get to do that everyday, I presume? But I would expect reciprocation. You could develop a migraine tomorrow and see if she will take your dds for you.
Why? "Helping out" Why should anyone care about helping out? Shes taking the piss !
IncompleteSenten · 05/04/2022 11:08

Id say if you're going to ask me regularly then I think it would be better for us to agree alternate days. So you take my X tomorrow and I'll take your y the next day and we'll alternate every day. If that ends up not working for us we can go back to just taking our own.

I bet you anything she'll bail on that!

Templeblossom · 05/04/2022 11:09

@ArnoldBee

There seems to be an assumption here that everyone is fit and healthy. The 4 year old may not sleep all night. Dave Senior may not be able to take the kids to school. There maybe more going on than you know.
Thats not the Ops problem though. Its not a case of there being an emergency or short term issue . The other mum just cant be bothered.
Katya213 · 05/04/2022 11:09

What does CF mean?

MiniatureHotdog · 05/04/2022 11:09

I'd just ignore your phone in the morning. I absolutely get what you mean about the school runs, I really value the ten minutes we get to chat, and your DC not enjoying sharing you is absolutely fine and valid.

Just reply later in the morning "sorry just seen your message, hope you got it sorted" and repeat.

easylemonsqueezy · 05/04/2022 11:10

@Katya213

What does CF mean?
Cheeky Fucker
IncompleteSenten · 05/04/2022 11:11

@Katya213

What does CF mean?
Cheeky fucker.

Piss taking selfish user, basically

MiniatureHotdog · 05/04/2022 11:11

ArnoldBee. There seems to be an assumption here that everyone is fit and healthy. The 4 year old may not sleep all night. Dave Senior may not be able to take the kids to school. There maybe more going on than you know

Still wouldn't change my view. It's not OPs problem, they're not even friends.

Iputthetrampintrampoline · 05/04/2022 11:11

@Katya213

What does CF mean?
Cheeky fucker!
Iputthetrampintrampoline · 05/04/2022 11:16

Hi OP Can I be so bold as to point out you have your life and you owe no one anything,? If you are doing something,anything that annoys you or doesn;t sit well with you then stop doing it! Her children her problem. I bet she would do sod all for you if it didnt suit her,Stop being so daft about this,stop worrying just say really sorry I have my hands full with my own familyCF willl find someone else pretty fast and dump you as fast as she gets herself sorted,I promise you she will ,,seen it all before,

TrashyPanda · 05/04/2022 11:25

A bit off topic, but…
She drives to school when it’s a 7 minute walk?
That’s crazy.

Costs money
Needless pollution
Much better for kids to walk.

Sundancerintherain · 05/04/2022 11:25

Say no and be firm.
I wasnt and ended up taking a child to school for 6 weeks until I was suddenly hospitalized. Once I was home ( weeks later ) the CF had a go at me at the school for " letting her down" . Luckily the other school parents were aware of the RTA I was involved in and told her to wind her neck in.
Put me right off doing favors tbh.

Naunet · 05/04/2022 11:30

@Wondergirl100
It's annoying when people are cheeky like this - but I think of all the reasons you give the one that seems sad to me is that your girls don't like it

I’d say it’s far sadder that their own father doesn’t like it.

Wheresthebeach · 05/04/2022 11:31

I agree that that short time together is when you hear the important stuff in a 'non important' environment. That's when you find out the important stuff. Keep it for your kids - if they go quiet, and aren't happy, then that matters.

Just start to say no, doesn't work for me. And don't lend stuff - this will only go on, and on. There are lots of us who have learnt the hard way.