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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told off for serving olives and chicken?

438 replies

justonanote · 04/04/2022 18:14

I invited a friend's DD to my house. She and one of her friend's had been invited to a wedding and they were going to go together

I offered to have her DD and casually offered to have her friend's DD too. She jumped at the chance and was very enthusiastic.

This was all a very last minute arrangement and both seemed grateful to have childcare sorted

They were gone before lunch time but would be back before 6 so was told they'd sort dinner.

I briefly mentioned what to give for lunch and my own friend didn't actually say but I know her DD very well so just gave her what I know she would eat. No problems.

However, my friend's friend said 'oh just a cheese sandwich will do fine! Thanks again for having her'

I made a chicken curry. Both girls ate it and then wanted some seconds Blush we also had some olives randomly and a snack in the early evening

Friend's friend rang me once her DD was home with her screaming! I was completely shocked and not sure what she was talking about at first. Then she was cleared and said 'YOU GAVE RACH CHICKEN?! She is veggie!!!!! You could've damaged her stomach! She isn't use to meat'

I apologies profusely and said how sorry I was. It was a genuine mistake. She then said 'And the olives?! A choking hazard aren't they?!'

I again apologised but said I didn't realise it was wrong. I then said I won't have her again so there's no need to worry any further. She started screaming again and I hang up.

This was Sunday night. I haven't heard from my friend (who's child I know better and am actually close with). Her phone goes to VM and WhatsApp messages aren't double ticking

Was I really that Unreasonable? I really really didn't even think she could be veggie Sad

To make matters worse, my own child has a severe disability and he doesn't eat meat. I feel so bad.

OP posts:
VeganGod · 05/04/2022 11:33

StoppinBy

The people you describe that eat meat occasionally are not not vegetarian. Vegetarians are people that don’t eat meat...ever....not even on a ‘special occasions’. 😂 The people you describe are just people that don’t eat meat often.

And people that ‘sneak’ meat when their partner isn’t around, as well as not being vegetarian, are clearly not in healthy relationships which is far more concerning than what they’re eating.

Chonfox · 05/04/2022 11:40

She's crazy and terribly rude. An 8yo should be more than capable of speaking up and is surely used to telling people (if this is how her mother usually reacts then surely she would have drilled it into her child by now?) I've never met a child who's vegetarian so no YANBU I would never ever assume a child didn't eat meat and would be mightily pissed off if they made such a fuss having not told me, especially when I was doing them a favour.

TheseDaysGoBy · 05/04/2022 12:04

Kids won't be naturally repulsed by the idea unless their parents are making them that way with forcing their opinions on the kids.

Actually, I know plenty of vegetarians and vegans who tearfully turned to their meat-eating parents and made the decision themselves, as a child, not to eat meat and fish anymore once they realised the cute animals they saw at the farm on their school trip get killed for it and realise meat is the flesh from their dead corpses. No opinions forced there - just truth and reality.

Herejustforthisone · 05/04/2022 12:14

Two totally contradictory posts. Classic Mumsnet. I know which one I agree with though.

Told off for serving olives and chicken?
Cattenberg · 05/04/2022 12:22

You’re surprised that different people have different opinions?

Herejustforthisone · 05/04/2022 12:26

I find it amusing how vastly oppositional the opinions are. I never experience such extreme polarisation in real life. Only ever in here. Almost like people like to be extreme for the sake of it..

TheseDaysGoBy · 05/04/2022 12:33

@Herejustforthisone my comment wasn't contradictory. It made perfect sense. To make it clear for you, bottom line: take the parent literally and feed the child what the parent tells you to feed, even if it's just a cheese sandwich. The parent had probably planned on feeding her child a substantial evening meal herself when she picked her up at 6pm. Meat eaters are very selfish.

VeganGod · 05/04/2022 12:34

Actually, I know plenty of vegetarians and vegans who tearfully turned to their meat-eating parents and made the decision themselves, as a child, not to eat meat and fish anymore once they realised the cute animals they saw at the farm on their school trip get killed for it and realise meat is the flesh from their dead corpses. No opinions forced there - just truth and reality.

My parents ate meat. I begged to not eat meat but was told I had to. Once I realised I didn’t have to eat it, I didn’t have to do what they told me, I stopped eating it.

With my own kids, I made vegan food for them and their dad would cook them non vegan food. We were honest with them and they’ve made their choices by themselves.

Minatrina · 05/04/2022 12:35

@TheseDaysGoBy

Kids won't be naturally repulsed by the idea unless their parents are making them that way with forcing their opinions on the kids.

Actually, I know plenty of vegetarians and vegans who tearfully turned to their meat-eating parents and made the decision themselves, as a child, not to eat meat and fish anymore once they realised the cute animals they saw at the farm on their school trip get killed for it and realise meat is the flesh from their dead corpses. No opinions forced there - just truth and reality.

Yep, I'm one of them! People always assume that because I've been veggie for basically my entire life, my family must be too. Nope! My dad's line of work was farm work. Meat was very "normal" in our house, but I just point blank refused to eat it from toddlerhood onwards and my parents were a) respectful enough not to force the issue and b) sensible enough to know that I was too stubborn for them to even try 🤣

Interestingly though, a few years ago now my dad stopped working in the agricultural sector and became vegan lol, so I like to tell people that it was actually me who brainwashed my parents and not the other way round as they'd assume Wink

savehannah · 05/04/2022 12:50

8 years old is plenty old enough to know what chicken is and whether they are happy to eat it or not, also to be aware that not all food is vegetarian, and that if they feel strongly about it they need to check.

I had a 12 year old Muslim boy round my house the other day. My son helped himself to a Haribo style sweet, and his friend did the same. I didn't check the packet but I'm assuming it had gelatin in. I did for a minute wonder if I should have pointed this out to him, but I figured he is old enough to know most jelly sweets (especially in a non Muslim household) have gelatin in, and to make his own decision about how strongly he feels about eating that. I wouldn't have offered him a sausage roll (or even a sweet) because I know he doesn't eat pork but as I see it he is well aware of his own dietary restrictions and old enough to decide for himself what to eat.

Herejustforthisone · 05/04/2022 13:21

Meat eaters are very selfish.

Are they? Have you met them all?

aSofaNearYou · 05/04/2022 13:52

[quote TheseDaysGoBy]@Herejustforthisone my comment wasn't contradictory. It made perfect sense. To make it clear for you, bottom line: take the parent literally and feed the child what the parent tells you to feed, even if it's just a cheese sandwich. The parent had probably planned on feeding her child a substantial evening meal herself when she picked her up at 6pm. Meat eaters are very selfish.[/quote]
There was every possibility that when it came to it OP could have run out of bread or cheese. The onus is entirely on the mother to have mentioned that she was vegetarian alongside making a suggestion of what to make.

aSofaNearYou · 05/04/2022 13:53

Meat eaters are very selfish

You make yourself look very stupid by acting like this is a defining characteristic and a different type of person, too.

HoppingPavlova · 05/04/2022 14:49

I wouldn't have offered him a sausage roll (or even a sweet) because I know he doesn't eat pork but as I see it he is well aware of his own dietary restrictions and old enough to decide for himself what to eat.

Agree. I remember years ago when one of my kids was at primary. They were in a friendship group of 3 and one was Muslim. Another had either Chinese or Korean parents (can’t recall exactly) and it seems that on sampling each other’s food the Muslim child discovered the wonders of BBQ pork. They were that enraptured that their good friend told their parents how much their buddy loved it and a big bag of steaming BBQ pork was sent in once a week and they all gorged on it. Filthy really, all their hands grubbing about together in the bag. It was popular with other kids too as it was a big bag and hard for 3 kids to get through. You can bet that child knew their parents did not want them to eat it. This child was more sensible than that in OPs story though as it wasn’t a detail that they bothered to share with their parents. I was more worried about the food safety angle of the stuff still being munched on 6 hours later being shoved in a hot school bag outside all day and lots of hands in the bag all over the food but, meh no one ever got sick it seemed so not worth creating a drama over.

LBFseBrom · 05/04/2022 14:57

I wouldn't worry. As people have said the child was old enough at years old to say if they didn't want chicken. You were not told he was a vegetarian so couldn't be expected to know and most people are not vegetarians.

For all we know he may often try a bit of meat here or there; is he a vegetarian from choice or because his parents are and have chosen for him?

He or mum may have said a cheese sandwich would do but I would have taken that to mean, "Please don't go to too much trouble", not that they were only allowed to have that.

Nobody died op, they had a jolly nice meal. The woman is way out of order.

Lollypop701 · 05/04/2022 15:03

It’s difficult for children - they don’t want to be different so will sometimes go along with their peers to fit in. That’s not to say they don’t know they shouldn’t be eating certain foods and at 8 they will know. This is why parents have to make sure any carer in charge is told of diet requirements. What would mum have done if it was an allergic reaction which she hadn’t mentioned?

MushroomQueen · 05/04/2022 15:10

What a ridiculous woman for not explicitly saying kid is veggie. I'm veggie and it's first thing I give heads up about so I know if I need to bring my own stuff or not. You've done nothing wrong OP

gokartdillydilly · 05/04/2022 15:12

A lot of cheeses aren't vegetarian, so 'just a cheese sandwich' wouldn't necessarily be a vegie option anyway.

crazeekat · 05/04/2022 15:19

Bottom line if my child's stomach was so bad that a bit of chicken could cause sooooo much damage it it would be the very FIRST thing u would tell anyone, veggie or not is by the by, so don't make it into one of those convos. End of the day the friends mum is being a dick, so has the other friend so the two of the can gtf pair of ungrateful gits. Not ur mistake op, who would feed one kid a cheese sandwich when everyone else tucking into a curry. Ur not a mind reader. I'd feel bad too but genuine mistake, go and find some decent mates now, who will remember their own child dietary needs over their own distracted memory cos they're getting out for the day!

TheKeatingFive · 05/04/2022 15:20

Bottom line if my child's stomach was so bad that a bit of chicken could cause sooooo much damage it it would be the very FIRST thing u would tell anyone

Exactly

2Gen · 05/04/2022 17:04

@justonanote

Well the thing is... I'm thinking, I didn't actually ensure she wasn't veggie? And it isn't uncommon? So maybe I am in the wrong for that
Actually, I think it was the child's mother's responsibility to tell you her DD was a veggie but she didn't bother, did she? So, IMO she was bang out of order screaming at you. You'd been very kind to have her DD. I wouldn't have dreamt of making a fuss about this if anyone minded my DC and I had failed to tell them about any special requirements! I used to be a vegetarian for years before I had DS. I stopped when pregnant because it's not great for growing children to be denied such an efficient source of protein. As for it "damaging her stomach" that's absolute bull's crawn, don't mind her! As a doctor once told me, human beings are designed to eat things that walk, fly and swim around the Earth! Janey Mac, what a bloody drama queen! AND an ungrateful CF, after you being nice enough to mind and feed her DD! I think you other friend is being U for blanking you as well! She's probably only heard the other one's side of the story and she should listen to yours as well before she decides who the "baddie" is!
2Gen · 05/04/2022 17:21

[quote TheseDaysGoBy]@Herejustforthisone my comment wasn't contradictory. It made perfect sense. To make it clear for you, bottom line: take the parent literally and feed the child what the parent tells you to feed, even if it's just a cheese sandwich. The parent had probably planned on feeding her child a substantial evening meal herself when she picked her up at 6pm. Meat eaters are very selfish.[/quote]
Most cheeses are made with animal rennet, so are not suitable for vegetarians. I used to buy vegetarian cheddar from Sainsbury's back when I was a veggie for that reason. So, it was still the child's mother's duty to tell the OP as otherwise, even had she just thrown the child an old cheese sandwich whilst the rest of them tucked into a curry, it would still most likely have meant giving the child an animal product. I've never seen vegetarian cheddar in any of the supermarkets I shop in here in Ireland though, not even in Tesco's, so I don't think it's even that widely available anymore. On top of that, most non-vegetarians aren't even aware there's such a thing!

Innocenta · 05/04/2022 17:22

@2Gen It's perfectly healthy to be vegetarian or vegan at any stage of life! Smile

LittleBearPad · 05/04/2022 17:26

@TheseDaysGoBy

As a vegetarian myself I understand how incredibly frustrating it is that meat eaters just assume everyone eats meat and fish. I think you were very unreasonable to not check beforehand whether the child had any dietary or religious requirements or allergies and I would be very disappointed if I had a vegetarian child who was fed meat. The child was trusted under YOUR care and so it was your responsibility to check this. Of course, the mother should have made it clear that her child was strictly vegetarian but she did tell you just a cheese sandwich was fine so you should have just honoured that. I think the mother was unreasonable regarding the olives though.

Going forward, you should try to be more open minded about people's food choices.

Okey doke - a cheese sandwich then. I’ll pop some parmesan in. Is that ok?
LennyAndTheDucks · 05/04/2022 17:30

@2Gen the vast majority of cheese in the UK is made with vegetable rennet now and is veggie friendly. It only tends to be some fancy cheeses that are made with animal rennet these days.

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