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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU but is still hurts not being invited to a wedding as partner

227 replies

Sn0wWhite · 04/04/2022 15:18

My partner has a grown up daughter, and initially he assumed that I'd be coming with him to the wedding. Unfortunately his daughter had other plans. She isn't inviting her mother's partner or her father's partner (me) to the wedding on the logic that she doesn't know where to seat us.

My partner and I spend a lot of time together but he has work overseas, so we are not always together - so that ads a bit of context. It is "her day" and I guess she wants her parent's there. Not their partners sitting at the head of the table (?)

But still - it's human to feel upset and hurt at being excluded. My partner has expressed his unhappiness to his daughter about this, and we are both feeling sad that I cannot enjoy this important day with him. I will have to watch from the sidelines. The wedding is out of town, and I will not be going. So at least it feels like that puts some distance from the whole thing.

It is hard to feel happy about it. He does a lot for her, and I feel like there is no respect being shown towards me. I just want to be heard out.

OP posts:
HedgehogintheFog · 04/04/2022 15:24

That sounds difficult but it's hard to judge without a bit more information. How long have you been together? How well do you know his daughter? I am not sure what context the fact that he works overseas adds. Does his daughter live where he works?

buckingmad · 04/04/2022 15:26

Not your day, not your guest list. Will never understand peoples entitlement when it comes to weddings.

Sure you can feel upset in private, but it’s not fair to your partners daughter for him to try and guilt trip her into inviting you (can’t think of any other reason he would have for “expressing his unhappiness”).

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/04/2022 15:26

My partner and I spend a lot of time together but he has work overseas, so we are not always together

Does that mean she spends very little time with you, rather than him?

MakingShiteMemories · 04/04/2022 15:28

I wouldn't give it any thought, OP. I am sure it's not in the slightest bit personal - she just wants an easy life.

Jeschara · 04/04/2022 15:31

Difficult, but she was not being discriminatory, she did not invite her Mothers partner either.
Let your partner go and enjoy his day, and you go and do something nice too, maybe go out with a friend. Do not sit and stew about it. I understand how you feel though.

ihavespoken · 04/04/2022 15:31

Sorry but YABU. I get on fine with my DSD but I imagine if she ever eventually gets married, family politics might make it difficult - I'd much rather she had a relaxing day and didn't invite me, than did include me and felt stressed out on her special day.

I guess it is human nature to feel a bit hurt so YANBU for that but YABU for wanting to be heard out about it. It's really not about you Flowers

lemongreentea · 04/04/2022 15:31

A non issue really unless you've been together for years and years and are infact married. Have you?

It's her day, try and stop making it about you.

ZaraSizeMedium · 04/04/2022 15:31

How long have you been together?

Do you live together?

How much time have you actually spent with his daughter?

Are you invited in the evening?

On the face of it I would find it really unusual to leave a bride/groom’s parents partner out of a wedding, but I suppose it all depends on answers to the above.

drpet49 · 04/04/2022 15:34

She’s not inviting her mother’s partner either so I do feel you are being unreasonable

girlmom21 · 04/04/2022 15:35

She probably just wants a stress free day hence not inviting either partner. I wouldn't be offended as you haven't suggested you're very close or anything.

toomanydogsandcats · 04/04/2022 15:36

I would be overjoyed. Weddings are the most tedious occasions for everyone apart from the bride. Go and do something less boring instead.

NeedleNoodle3 · 04/04/2022 15:36

YANBU
I invited both my parent’s partners as I wanted my parents to feel comfortable. Neither were living with their partners, I ended up with the world’s longest top table but that was ok as I don’t want to split my parents up from their significant other.

Movingsoon21 · 04/04/2022 15:36

More details needed - how long have you been together, do you live together when he’s not overseas, how well do you know the daughter and her fiancé?

BuanoKubiamVej · 04/04/2022 15:36

Not enough information to know whether yabu really. You haven't said how long you have been with your partner and whether you were actually "step mum" while his dd was still a child. Even if you had a really close relationship she might still reasonably exclude you if she doesn't get on with her mum's new partner and can only get away with not inviting him if she also doesn't invite you.

So I think most probably you are being unreasonable. Because if you had a close enough bond to her to make it natural that she would obviously want you to be there, then that same close bond would also prevent you from writing a post that was all about your own feelings of hurt in this scenario. The very fact of your posting what you did is very strong evidence that the two of you aren't that close.

wannabeamummysobad · 04/04/2022 15:36

YABU - this day is about her and her husband not you. Personally I never invited my dads wife and kids (he and DM separated when I was a kid). Tbf, he's lucky he was invited- My DM begged me to and wanted him to walk me down the aisle.
I'm not close to my dad's new family so made no sense to invite them.
Are you close to his daughter? Would you spend time with her without your DH? If no, why would you want to attend.

gogohm · 04/04/2022 15:36

Kind of depends on how long you have been together and how well you know her as to whether it's odd. I would find it odd not to be invited to Dp's DD's event as she lives with us (as an adult) and I know my dd would invite dp because they get on well - however whether my exh's latest gf gets invited will depend if dd actually knows her and whether exh is ready to bring her into the wider family

JemimaTiggywinkle · 04/04/2022 15:42

I do think it’s odd and unfriendly not to invite your dad’s partner - unless they were a very recent partner or there is a lot of animosity.
She wouldn’t have to seat you at the top table necessarily.
Quite natural to feel hurt and disappointed. Ridiculous comments above about feeling “entitled” to being invited - that’s not how it comes across at all in your OP.

1forAll74 · 04/04/2022 15:43

These things would not bother me, as in, who has to sit wherever at some wedding.. But you have to go along with this person and her choices if she is that way inclined.

marjayy · 04/04/2022 15:43

How long have you been together?
Do you live together?
Do you have a relationship with his DD?
Are the wedding numbers small?

Rrrob · 04/04/2022 15:44

How long have you been together/ are you married? DH wasn’t invited to a friend’s wedding last year and we have been married 5 years (not the same as a step daughter I know, but people are weird when it comes to wedding lists)

AryaStarkWolf · 04/04/2022 15:45

How long have you and you OH been together? How well do you know his DD? Unless you've been together a long time and you know her well I wouldn't be that bothered about it tbh

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 04/04/2022 15:46

YABU. It's not about you - it's her day and she's entitled to invite whoever she wants. At the end of the day, a line has to be drawn somewhere and maybe she thinks it would be less awkward without her parents' new partners attending.

pigsDOfly · 04/04/2022 15:47

Unless you're a well established couple and you know his daughter well I probably makes sense not to invite you.

If you've been together for years, then yes, it's would be hurtful not to be invited.

Having said that, regardless of anything else, if you were invited, I don't think you should expect to sit at the top table. That would just be odd.

Bananarama21 · 04/04/2022 15:50

So you have a long distance relationship as he works away and she doesn't particularly know you well. She is not unreasonable just wanting her parents there without their partners. It would be different if you were involved with her upbringing but it doesn't sound like this is the case

Wnikat · 04/04/2022 15:52

Just let the poor girl have who she wants at her wedding. It's not about you.

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