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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU but is still hurts not being invited to a wedding as partner

227 replies

Sn0wWhite · 04/04/2022 15:18

My partner has a grown up daughter, and initially he assumed that I'd be coming with him to the wedding. Unfortunately his daughter had other plans. She isn't inviting her mother's partner or her father's partner (me) to the wedding on the logic that she doesn't know where to seat us.

My partner and I spend a lot of time together but he has work overseas, so we are not always together - so that ads a bit of context. It is "her day" and I guess she wants her parent's there. Not their partners sitting at the head of the table (?)

But still - it's human to feel upset and hurt at being excluded. My partner has expressed his unhappiness to his daughter about this, and we are both feeling sad that I cannot enjoy this important day with him. I will have to watch from the sidelines. The wedding is out of town, and I will not be going. So at least it feels like that puts some distance from the whole thing.

It is hard to feel happy about it. He does a lot for her, and I feel like there is no respect being shown towards me. I just want to be heard out.

OP posts:
irishfarmer · 04/04/2022 15:54

I wouldn't take it personally. Human nature to perhaps feel a little left out. But I think she is going for an easy life. I can't blame her.

BellePeppa · 04/04/2022 15:54

@toomanydogsandcats

I would be overjoyed. Weddings are the most tedious occasions for everyone apart from the bride. Go and do something less boring instead.
Me too. I’ve never been to a wedding I wasn’t bored stiff at. It wouldn’t bother me at all not to be invited, especially as the mother’s partner isn’t either (it would have been hurtful if he had). Everyone different of course, some people love a do.
Original poster
Sn0wWhite · 04/04/2022 16:12

I am so overwhelmed and so so so so grateful for the support and responses.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sn0wWhite · 04/04/2022 16:14

@irishfarmer

I wouldn't take it personally. Human nature to perhaps feel a little left out. But I think she is going for an easy life. I can't blame her.
Yes, she is all about having an easy, easy life ...
OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 04/04/2022 16:16

Id make it easy for her.

Cas112 · 04/04/2022 16:17

Sorry OP but you need to get over this one, she has done whats best for her OWN wedding day and she shouldn't have to think about you and making you happy when it comes to that.

AProperStinging · 04/04/2022 16:17

She doesn't want you at her wedding. Your last post gives quite a big clue as to why

murasaki · 04/04/2022 16:18

I think as she has done equal ops and invited neither partner, it is fine, but you are ok to feel a bit upset, maybe her mum's partner does too. But I can see where she is coming from.

Rosehugger · 04/04/2022 16:18

I think it would be far easier to have both new partners there than have divorcees sitting together and awkwardly playing happy families - unless they had only just spilt up and/or there was acrimony, but it doesn't sound like that is the case.

Carrotten · 04/04/2022 16:20

Honestly I'm going to disagree, you've been together 5 years, it's a big wedding. It's really shitty not to invite your parents partner.

Presumably you are a big girl, and can sit with perhaps some of his side of the family? And your nor going to beat up her mother with a handbag

Yes it might be her day but there's a clear sentiment behind her actions which will hurt

AllFreeOwls · 04/04/2022 16:23

I can see why you'd be hurt in this scenario.

NowEvenBetter · 04/04/2022 16:24

An easy life is bliss, good for her. Doesn’t sound like you’re really close to her, and also doesn’t seem like you and your boyfriend even live together? So just a casual dating relationship, I wouldn’t be up for paying for anyone’s boyfriend/girlfriend I barely know to attend my wedding, it’d be what.. £70 minimum per head? Plus you’ll be working, plus weddings are tedious as fuck.

Eeksteek · 04/04/2022 16:24

@NeedleNoodle3

YANBU I invited both my parent’s partners as I wanted my parents to feel comfortable. Neither were living with their partners, I ended up with the world’s longest top table but that was ok as I don’t want to split my parents up from their significant other.
I had a top table like that too. I spent a chunk of the morning of my wedding planning it so that no-one was sat next to anyone they had previously been married to! In the event, we hardly sat at it all, and it didn’t matter anyway, because they all behaved like grown ups. (In that they didn’t fight, anyway. In terms of generally sedate adultness, not so much. Could be worse!)
MargaretThursday · 04/04/2022 16:25

Hmm.
I was with you until you said "Yes, she is all about having an easy, easy life ..."

That sounds rather snide. If you've been making that sort of comment about her then there may be more to it than just her wanting an "easy life".

MayMorris · 04/04/2022 16:26

I think you have come up with a lovely idea of taking them out for a meal and special celebration .
Also, is there a way they can live stream?
A relative of mine is getting married at an “extreme” location in uk ..wedding party is very small and I’m not invited- ha! Tbh I’d be having kittens by now at the thought of getting there and staying there so happy not to be going!
But they’ve set up a short live streaming bit during their wedding speeches…just 5 or 10 mins- one way so no interaction as such, and they’re filming it. I’m very much looking forward to sitting down with a glass of champagne on the day and watching the speeches. And then I’ll invite them both over for a meal when they get back to watch the video with me and tell me all about it. I’m so excited for them. And don’t feel I’ll miss out really

PegasusReturns · 04/04/2022 16:27

Unless there is a backstory of poor behaviour I think it’s pretty rude to not invite the partner of a someone important to you.

I guess it’s either a cost saving exercise or she hates her mothers partner and this is the only way she can avoid having him there without a huge drama.

Turningpurple · 04/04/2022 16:28

She isn't rejecting you as a person though. She has decided this way is easiest.

I am guessing you spend next to no time with her.

1FootInTheRave · 04/04/2022 16:31

I think she sounds self absorbed and selfish tbh.

Not inviting a partner of 5 years, nor her mums partner?

Unless it's a tiny wedding then it's out of order imo.

MayMorris · 04/04/2022 16:36

I then have another relative whose fiancé parents have split up in last 18 months. Divorce is ongoing and a bit a troublesome . Father is insisting he bring his new girlfriend who he’s been dating for just a few months. Happy couple have only met her once a couple of weeks ago.
The issue is wedding is at the couples old home too, in the garden. So his mum has to go along to the house that was her old home and see her still husband’s girlfriend acting like hostess. It is a real problem for them as it is causing them to stress about how his mother will be on the day with having to deal with that.
You’d think the ow would do a kind and sensible thing to discretely take herself away for the day and evening. I am gobsmacked she isn’t saying to the dad , look it’s nice you feel strongly about me to stick up for me attending, but it really isn’t fair on anyone and you’re just out of order pushing for it. Have a lovely time, and I’ll have a lovely time doing my thing.

I agree yours is not such an extreme situation, but it is a similar thing…it will cause the couple to stress about interactions between their parents and new partners on the day ..even if it is not likely… and that is not something that any one should have to deal with on their wedding day of all days.

Eugenieonegin · 04/04/2022 16:36

@MargaretThursday

Hmm. I was with you until you said "Yes, she is all about having an easy, easy life ..."

That sounds rather snide. If you've been making that sort of comment about her then there may be more to it than just her wanting an "easy life".

I agree with this.
Totalwasteofpaper · 04/04/2022 16:38

@Carrotten

Honestly I'm going to disagree, you've been together 5 years, it's a big wedding. It's really shitty not to invite your parents partner.

Presumably you are a big girl, and can sit with perhaps some of his side of the family? And your nor going to beat up her mother with a handbag

Yes it might be her day but there's a clear sentiment behind her actions which will hurt

Yeah i agree with this. I dont think YABU at all.

I assumed this would be one of ypur husbands friends weddings... but your (technical) step daughter...? That's pretty cold.
My DH has a small family , it was 30 person wedding and we invited his cousin girlfriend as a 1+, they'd been together 18 months!!!

I think you let it slide but when someone shows you who they are believe them.

Going forward I'd be civil but make no special efforts for her.

MayMorris · 04/04/2022 16:38

I think only way it would be acceptable is if you and partner and her mum and her partner had already mixed socially, knew each other and had a good track record of getting along well. In which case that indeed would be hurtful and rude.

Blossomtoes · 04/04/2022 16:39

Sensible woman. Treating both parents’ partners exactly the same and just having her parents on her wedding day. It would be different if you’d been married for 20 years @Sn0wWhite.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/04/2022 16:39

Yes, she is all about having an easy, easy life ...

Good for her. I think the new generation of women is less Be a martyr Kind and more assertive. That can be hard for us older women but I support them!

ladydimitrescu · 04/04/2022 16:44

@MargaretThursday

Hmm. I was with you until you said "Yes, she is all about having an easy, easy life ..."

That sounds rather snide. If you've been making that sort of comment about her then there may be more to it than just her wanting an "easy life".

This exactly. That's very possibly a contender in why you aren't invited OP. After that snide remark I feel you've painted a very one sided picture. It's not about you, it's her day.
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