AIBU but is still hurts not being invited to a wedding as partner

[Sn0wWhite]

My partner has a grown up daughter, and initially he assumed that I'd be coming with him to the wedding. Unfortunately his daughter had other plans. She isn't inviting her mother's partner or her father's partner (me) to the wedding on the logic that she doesn't know where to seat us.

My partner and I spend a lot of time together but he has work overseas, so we are not always together - so that ads a bit of context. It is "her day" and I guess she wants her parent's there. Not their partners sitting at the head of the table (?)

But still - it's human to feel upset and hurt at being excluded. My partner has expressed his unhappiness to his daughter about this, and we are both feeling sad that I cannot enjoy this important day with him. I will have to watch from the sidelines. The wedding is out of town, and I will not be going. So at least it feels like that puts some distance from the whole thing.

It is hard to feel happy about it. He does a lot for her, and I feel like there is no respect being shown towards me. I just want to be heard out.

Why would you do a special celebratory dinner?

I’d be polite to her but no special anything! Up to her to make it up to you and her mums partner if she wants this to have no impact.

If she does want it to impact, let it. Her choice.

If you're married, I would understand you feeling how you do. But if you're not married to him then I wouldn't expect an invite. Especially as you're not close to her. Where would she put you? Be realistic. Would she seat you with her aunt Gladys? Or with her mother's partner? So mother's partner and father's partner together? That wouldn't really be appropriate. Do you even know anyone who will be attending apart from your partner? Surely it would be awkward for you to go, and you feel released from the burden of having to attend something that lets be honest, no one really wants to attend and only do out of obligation anyway. Take it as you've got out of having to go and now you can spend that time watching a movie or going somewhere with a girlfriend, etc etc. Lucky you, got out of having to go. I'd be so relieved personally, like, YESS!!! (fist pump the air), now what can I do while he is there? Enjoy your spare time. I bet her mother's partner is thanking his stars that he doesn't have to go, he's probably got a good mates day planned or a day watching football all day on tv. I bet he isn't feeling bad. So no need for you to feel bad. Feel relieved. I would be!

I agree with previous poster that it may be that she really doesn’t want her mother’s partner there & you are collateral damage.

I would also feel hurt & think it’s a bit off.

@tillytoodles1

I've been to two weddings where the brides parents were divorced. Both time the parents new partners came to the ceremony but not to the reception.

I think that would be worse 🤣

@DrWhoNowww

It really is quite ill-mannered to not invite your parents long term partners.

I know Mumsnet is all about “your day, your rules” but really, there are social conventions attached to most events and inviting long term partners as plus ones at a wedding is a pretty basic one.

Even if it’s because of some issue with the mothers DP then basic etiquette would necessitate a conversation with you explaining that.

Fuck that, I like that people aren't doing stuff out of duty now. I hated one of my parent's exes and would rather have had no wedding at all than include them. Why should people have to share their wedding day or other big life events with people they don't like or aren't close to because of expectation.

Luckily in my case the issue resolved itself before it was an issue as they got divorced.

Phobiaphobic
Passive aggressive. She wants her father's full attention on her big day and doesn't give a fuck how you feel about it.

Why would she?

You haven’t ever mentioned wanting to see her married or wanting to share in her day. But you did mention respect and your posts seem focused on being given your place and your status

To this girl you are a lady she doesn’t know that well who is dating her dad. It’s her special day. Understandable she doesn’t want you at the top table or taking up her dads time all day. She wants him to do father of the bride things - not spend the day introducing you to family and friends.

My brother invited my divorced parents, and they each bought their respective girlfriend/boyfriend. Unbelievably my Mum's boyfriend asked my Dad's girlfriend for her number. You couldn't make it up.

so really the daughter doesn't particularly care about her parents happyness either?

I'd not ever assume being at a top table for these 2, but somewhere else with the family. So in the evening, dad has to amuse himself somewhat? (as he won't be chatting to his ex wife and the other family may be alot younger and not his contempories)

Well, I think it is rude and mean spirited behaviour not to invite everybody in her family and their plus ones whomsoever they may be. Given that your partner is contributing it also seems rather ungrateful.

It’s rude, hurtful, and even provocative of her, and it isn’t about the seating plan. But I don’t think it’s about you or the mum’s partner either.

I do wonder if, for ‘her day’ she just wants to celebrate with her original family and not have any reminders of the divorce. Play happy families basically.

She can invite who she wants, leave her to it and don’t react.

You really shouldn’t be describing your feelings as ‘stupid’ and you shouldn’t be apologising for them. Don’t listen to the people on here saying it’s her day blah blah…that’s just standard Mumsnet. Honestly, everyone gets the same stupid, socially illiterate replies!

On Mumsnet you can do whatever you like without explanation and no ‘social smoothing’. ‘No’ is a complete sentence apparently! Try not to listen to this terrible advice…..you may benefit short-term but the person on the end of it will secretly dislike you. As I imagine, you will dislike your partner’s daughter.

It’s a big, expensive wedding and when someone is invited, it’s most unusual not to invite their partner. If she was that bothered about the seating arrangements she could have asked if you were ok not sitting at the top table for dinner. I don’t think I’d be planning a separate celebration….she sounds like a snooty cow.

My partner is contributing to the wedding, the home, and everything, and am very happy they continue to have a good relationship. But leaving me out of it, makes me feel like am not worthy of acknowledgement.

Interesting that most people think that the DP's contributing to the wedding costs doesn't at the very least give him the right to invite his partner of five years.

A few days ago there was a thread where there was a big birthday of a DH coming up, and the plan was to have the immediate family (DD who was being flown across the country, the OP and DS) at a birthday meal. DS, who lives with the OP (who pays all his bills) invited his GF of six months with whom he did not live without asking that OP. And the consensus on Mumsnet seemed to be that that OP was being unreasonable to object and she was on the way to being the dreadful MIL (whereas I thought the OP was being completely reasonable in the circumstances - where she was paying, and it was supposed to be about DH, not DS and new GF).
And yet here, where DP is paying at least partly, people seem to think it is DP who is being unreasonable for inviting OP (I actually agree with that bit, I think that DP should have discussed it with his DD first before inviting OP), and that it is reasonable for the DD to refuse. Here I disagree, or at the very least, I think that if he can't ask for his five year old partner - not just his six month GF to come, he really shouldn't be being asked to contribute to the wedding. If in fact he did not contribute to the wedding, I still think it would not be nice of DD to not invite the OP, and the OP and the DP have the right to be hurt, but of course the DD can do what she wants with her and her fiance's money, whether she hurts people or not. I wouldn't have wanted to start my married life by hurting my father, but people aren't always nice. I would also expect that if in the future babysitting was required, the OP might be less keen than she might otherwise, and it would help cement the distance, so the DD may be being shortsighted in that regard as well.

@Mellowyellow222

You haven’t ever mentioned wanting to see her married or wanting to share in her day. But you did mention respect and your posts seem focused on being given your place and your status

To this girl you are a lady she doesn’t know that well who is dating her dad. It’s her special day. Understandable she doesn’t want you at the top table or taking up her dads time all day. She wants him to do father of the bride things - not spend the day introducing you to family and friends.

I think this is probably on the money. She either doesn’t see you as family or friend ( likely) or doesn’t see her mums partner that way and wants it done fairly. She’s grown up without you.and it’s clearly an adult relationship. She knows her dad will have enough company there without you. I think possibly it is a bit rude but it’s the special day if someone you don’t have much to do with so understandable.

There does seem to be a horrible air of superiority from your side OP with all this - my family/ brought up to be hospitable etc

just remember you're dating the man who did actually raise her......so your comments could be directed at him for not bringing her up 'right' in your view.

Take it your parents are still together? If so, don't begin to assume that you know what her life has been like with her parents divorcing. Weddings and divorced parents are a nightmare - and in all fairness OP - you're only the girlfriend. Your not even married to her Dad.

So sorry, my view is yabu and you need to get over it. Send her a nice card wishing her well on her special day and tell her you can't wait to see the photos.

You haven’t said how much time you spend with her. You’ve said you’re not close though.
And your reason for wanting to go was all about wanting to enjoy your boyfriend’s moment - not here!
So you’re clearly not close at all.
As you said, mother’s boyfriend not invited too, so it’s not personal.
Let it go!
Even this stuff about being away during the wedding - bit OTT!

My friends mum’s ‘other man’ (they were separated by time of wedding and she brought the man she’d been seeing on the side) was there through my friends entire wedding. Her dad sucked it up cos he’s a fuckin adult and that’s what we do! She’s being ridiculous about wedding logic too, he just sat on the normal tables with everyone else?

@Sn0wWhite

TBH, what you call the "snide remarks" comes from a point of reference and tried to ignore the fact that she is marrying into an INCREDIBLY wealthy family that falls in line with her career aspirations..

Sorry if you think am being petty, but it felt like "rejection" because I was not "cool" enough to make the cut. So I feel like the crappy person who doesn't get the invite. God, no I would never ever say anything to her. I came her to find some advice to manage my own stupid feelings. :(
I don't want to react towards her at all.

she is marrying into an INCREDIBLY wealthy family that falls in line with her career aspirations..

Wow. Wow!
You sound like a really nasty piece of work OP, truly jealous and nasty. It's no surprise you aren't close to her. She probably sees right through you. It's a pity her father doesn't.

@Salome61

My brother invited my divorced parents, and they each bought their respective girlfriend/boyfriend. Unbelievably my Mum's boyfriend asked my Dad's girlfriend for her number. You couldn't make it up.

This is amazing

Surely the baseline for an invitation to a wedding is liking the bride and/or groom. The only faces I wanted to see at my wedding were kind ones that wished me & DH well.

The op thinks her boyfriend's daughter is a social climber out for an "easy easy life" - she doesn't indicate even being vaguely fond of partner's daughter.

@Mangogogogo

My friends mum’s ‘other man’ (they were separated by time of wedding and she brought the man she’d been seeing on the side) was there through my friends entire wedding. Her dad sucked it up cos he’s a fuckin adult and that’s what we do! She’s being ridiculous about wedding logic too, he just sat on the normal tables with everyone else?

@Mangogogogo So all alone by himself with strangers, while his partner sat at the top table? Sounds very awkward. Sounds like a disaster. Nope, the Bride here has made the right decision.

If the wedding has the traditional format of ceremony then meal then evening reception I would have thought she could have invited you to the evening do. Some consider it a snub but it's a compromise when you can't include everyone. Would you go, OP, if only invited to the evening part?

It’s not personal.

She hasn’t invited her step dad either

Do your dp and his ex wife get on? Can they be civil

@Notonthestairs

Surely the baseline for an invitation to a wedding is liking the bride and/or groom. The only faces I wanted to see at my wedding were kind ones that wished me & DH well.

The op thinks her boyfriend's daughter is a social climber out for an "easy easy life" - she doesn't indicate even being vaguely fond of partner's daughter.

I completely agree with this.

I don't understand why she wouldn't invite her parents' partners. Surely her friends and other family's partners are invited?

Her dad should ask her how she would feel if her fiance was not invited to a close friend or family member's wedding, how she would feel.