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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU but is still hurts not being invited to a wedding as partner

227 replies

Sn0wWhite · 04/04/2022 15:18

My partner has a grown up daughter, and initially he assumed that I'd be coming with him to the wedding. Unfortunately his daughter had other plans. She isn't inviting her mother's partner or her father's partner (me) to the wedding on the logic that she doesn't know where to seat us.

My partner and I spend a lot of time together but he has work overseas, so we are not always together - so that ads a bit of context. It is "her day" and I guess she wants her parent's there. Not their partners sitting at the head of the table (?)

But still - it's human to feel upset and hurt at being excluded. My partner has expressed his unhappiness to his daughter about this, and we are both feeling sad that I cannot enjoy this important day with him. I will have to watch from the sidelines. The wedding is out of town, and I will not be going. So at least it feels like that puts some distance from the whole thing.

It is hard to feel happy about it. He does a lot for her, and I feel like there is no respect being shown towards me. I just want to be heard out.

OP posts:
MrsLargeEmbodied · 04/04/2022 17:51

actually i think that is upsetting for your dp

ChristinaXYZ · 04/04/2022 17:54

@ihavespoken

Sorry but YABU. I get on fine with my DSD but I imagine if she ever eventually gets married, family politics might make it difficult - I'd much rather she had a relaxing day and didn't invite me, than did include me and felt stressed out on her special day.

I guess it is human nature to feel a bit hurt so YANBU for that but YABU for wanting to be heard out about it. It's really not about you Flowers

This! Absolutely right.
LegMeChicken · 04/04/2022 17:54

@Notonthestairs

You are not close. You don't like her. You don't think much of her choices. You don't seem to play any role in her life or family. Honestly it would have more surprising if the bride & groom had invited you.
Exactly. Also OP, why are you so insistent on being accepted by her? Do you think that she doesn't know how little you think of her? Are you trying to 'make up' for your bheaviour?

Your DP having done 'a lot' for his daughter is irrelevant. It's his job as her parent. Nothing special.

billy1966 · 04/04/2022 17:57

I think she is being extremely rude towards both her parents considering they both have partners.

Weddings are more than about the couple, particularly as both parents appear to have moved on.

Of course the partners could have been happily seated away from the top table, but it is likely both parents would have enjoyed their new partners with them.

Very rude IMO, an unnecessary.

I really wouldn't be rushing to entertain them after the wedding.

Leave her to her father.

ExMachinaDeus · 04/04/2022 18:03

We have been together for about 5 years, but the first 2 years we were slow to start introductions to friends and family etc.

Hmmmm, were I to be married again, I wouldn't invite my father's partner either. I know she's part of my father's life, but she's not part of my life and is not really part of my family.

The day is about the couple to be married, not about "respect" for you.

goawaystormy · 04/04/2022 18:08

The upset comes from the fact that my partner invited me, and then had to break the news to me that I was Uninvited ! Ugh.

This is your Dp's fault not your SD. He had no right to invite you to someone else's wedding.

It doesn't sound like you're close so even if there's no reason for her to actively not want you there it doesn't sound like there's a reason for her to actively want you there either. And therefore, for the ease of family politics and possibly cost to, its easier not to invite you.

You talk about wanting to enjoy the day with your DP but this isn't about you. I can understand the human feeling of being left out and you're allowed to be sad about that but each post gets worse and paints you in a less favourable light of not just coming here for emotional support but actually to slate your SD.

Thewheelsfalloffthebus · 04/04/2022 18:11

This might be about her mum’s partner you know. She might be excluding you so that she can exclude mum’s partner without causing ill feelings from her mum.

WhyOfCourse · 04/04/2022 18:12

Your DP having done 'a lot' for his daughter is irrelevant. It's his job as her parent. Nothing special. and also doesn't mean she has to invite you OP.

Thewheelsfalloffthebus · 04/04/2022 18:12

Or even a step parent/ parent’s partner on the groom’s side.

FairyCakeWings · 04/04/2022 18:12

You’re taking this far too personally, which is understandable as you would like to be part of your partners family, but you have to keep reminding yourself that this isn’t about you in anyway.

It can’t be a personal rejection because she barely knows you, and her barley knowing you is a very valid reason for you not taking a prominent position at her wedding. Even if she did invite you she’d have to offend you because she’s not obliged to have her Dads Dp on the top table and you’d have a rubbish day sitting with strangers.

It’s only a day, and your dps full attention should be on his daughter anyway. She shouldn’t have to have her Dad worrying about whether you’re comfortable as a new guest to family occasion on her wedding day.

Turningpurple · 04/04/2022 18:16

Right, so this women barely knows you. She isn't inviting people she barely knows when they will probably have to be seated on the top table or on their own.

I think that makes perfect sense.

If you have a problem with your dp inviting you then your issue and hurt is with him. Not her.

Obelisk · 04/04/2022 18:16

One possibility is that there is an issue with the mother’s partner. The bride doesn’t want to invite him but needs an excuse, so has decided not to invite you either do it looks more like a policy decision.

WhyOfCourse · 04/04/2022 18:17

If you're not close then think no more of it. Arrange to do something fun on the day with a friend and enjoy yourself.

NumberTheory · 04/04/2022 18:17

So there are lots of ways of looking at situations like these where there are several relationships, each with their own dynamic overlapping. But even given that I think you’re coming across pretty unsympathetically.

Your DP invited you to his daughter’s wedding without her permission. You’ve been together 5 years, but he didn’t really introduce you to family until 3 years ago and he spends most of his time with you or abroad. You aren’t close to the DD and you have a judgmental view of her as a social climber marrying into money to improve her career prospects.

So you DP doesn’t know his dd that well, and doesn’t spend much time with her. And you don’t know her that well. And you (both?) feel she’s a bit grabby.

Other than going to a party with your DP and getting to play that role, why do you even want to go to the wedding? You don’t sound like you want a relationship with the DD, you just want her to give kudos because you’re her father’s partner. But (given the gaff with inviting you) it sounds like your DP has miles to go before he’d earn that kind of automatic acceptance.

Fizzingmad · 04/04/2022 18:20

I don’t think yabu at all. I think it’s really rude not to give her parents a plus 1 when it’s a big wedding!

Lilac57 · 04/04/2022 18:20

If you're not close to your partner's daughter (I presume you're not?), there's really no obligation for her to invite you. Everyone is entitled to invite whomever they wish, or not, to their own wedding, and it's understandable if they only want to invite people that they have a relationship with. I wouldn't worry about it too much, it's not personal, as she hasn't invited her mother's partner either. If you end up becoming closer later on if you get to know each other that's all good, but it not, that's just the way life goes.

Turningpurple · 04/04/2022 18:21

I think I would understand your feelings more if you were disappointed because you want to celebrate with her and her husband to be.

But it's all about 'I want to be there to enjoy the day with dp'. You dont want to go to be part of her day. Sounds like you are upset at missing out on an opportunity to be on show as his partner. That's not really what someone else's wedding is about.

Nelly040 · 04/04/2022 18:22

As someone who was literally in this position as the person getting married (both parents divorced but with partners) I wanted to share my experience from the other perspective. i really agonised and stressed about whether to invite them, I didn’t want my parents partners there as I wanted my parents sat at the table for me and to feel like family, and I didn’t want any awkwardness for my mum (my dads partner was the woman he left my mum for). I understand you are hurt OP but when you express that to the bride/groom you put them in an impossible situation, you can’t make everyone happy and ultimately it’s their day.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/04/2022 18:23

If she's not inviting herMother's new partner either, I'd just leave it be. It's her's day.

Baconking · 04/04/2022 18:25

Other than your DP is there anyone else going to the wedding that you know well?

If you aren't close to his family it could be a really uncomfortable day with DP having to regularly make sure you are ok and happy rather than enjoying time with his DD and extended family.

DrWhoNowww · 04/04/2022 18:25

It really is quite ill-mannered to not invite your parents long term partners.

I know Mumsnet is all about “your day, your rules” but really, there are social conventions attached to most events and inviting long term partners as plus ones at a wedding is a pretty basic one.

Even if it’s because of some issue with the mothers DP then basic etiquette would necessitate a conversation with you explaining that.

burnoutbabe · 04/04/2022 18:27

What about other couples? Do they not get invited if they are not married or are friends boyfriends okay?

If everyone else gets plus ones it's very rude to not let her parents have them.

Perpop · 04/04/2022 18:28

I’ve been the bride in this situation. I didn’t invite either of my parents (newish) partners because I didn’t want to spend my wedding day worrying if there were issues, awkwardness or just the anxiety of seeing my parents with new people for the first time together and that day being my wedding day. I agree with the daughter, but appreciate it may be tough for you.

tillytoodles1 · 04/04/2022 18:30

I've been to two weddings where the brides parents were divorced. Both time the parents new partners came to the ceremony but not to the reception.

Phobiaphobic · 04/04/2022 18:35

Passive aggressive. She wants her father's full attention on her big day and doesn't give a fuck how you feel about it.

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