AIBU but is still hurts not being invited to a wedding as partner

[Sn0wWhite]

My partner has a grown up daughter, and initially he assumed that I'd be coming with him to the wedding. Unfortunately his daughter had other plans. She isn't inviting her mother's partner or her father's partner (me) to the wedding on the logic that she doesn't know where to seat us.

My partner and I spend a lot of time together but he has work overseas, so we are not always together - so that ads a bit of context. It is "her day" and I guess she wants her parent's there. Not their partners sitting at the head of the table (?)

But still - it's human to feel upset and hurt at being excluded. My partner has expressed his unhappiness to his daughter about this, and we are both feeling sad that I cannot enjoy this important day with him. I will have to watch from the sidelines. The wedding is out of town, and I will not be going. So at least it feels like that puts some distance from the whole thing.

It is hard to feel happy about it. He does a lot for her, and I feel like there is no respect being shown towards me. I just want to be heard out.

Do you even get on with his ex?

@Sn0wWhite

TBH, what you call the "snide remarks" comes from a point of reference and tried to ignore the fact that she is marrying into an INCREDIBLY wealthy family that falls in line with her career aspirations..

Sorry if you think am being petty, but it felt like "rejection" because I was not "cool" enough to make the cut. So I feel like the crappy person who doesn't get the invite. God, no I would never ever say anything to her. I came her to find some advice to manage my own stupid feelings. :(
I don't want to react towards her at all.

In a similar situation (but nothing like as important as a wedding) I was excluded by my SCs.

I managed it by disengaging.

Disengaging involves getting yourself to a point where you stop caring about the person you are disengaging from. You take back the power from them to hurt you. It doesn't mean you have to fall out with them, or exclude them from your life. You just get yourself to the point where you really don't give a hoot.

There used to be a web site called Steps for Stepmothers run by Rachelle Katz (the website is there but the posting board doesn't seem to have been active for quite a time). I found it about the time that the SCs pulled their stunt on me, and the wise women there introduced me to disengagement, and that allowed me to see a way to move on.

I've done a bit of googling and can't find anything to link to, but it's the best advice I can give to help you manage your own (NOT) stupid feelings.

P.S. stepmothers and divorced dads' partners regularly get slaughtered on MN for expecting even the slightest consideration of their feelings, so ignore the spite you've had directed at you.

@ihavespoken

Sorry but YABU. I get on fine with my DSD but I imagine if she ever eventually gets married, family politics might make it difficult - I'd much rather she had a relaxing day and didn't invite me, than did include me and felt stressed out on her special day.

I guess it is human nature to feel a bit hurt so YANBU for that but YABU for wanting to be heard out about it. It's really not about you

I agree! In her shoes, I'd do the same. I would not want people sitting at the top table who weren't my blood nor anything but very close to me. You don't tell us that you're close to your DSD so I can only think that's because you aren't. Therefore, as you're not even her father's wife, why on Earth should she invite you, never mind seat you at the top table? You could be split up from the man next year or even next month and that'd be that, you wouldn't even have to go through a divorce! You say you want to share the day with your DP but it's his DD's and her DH's day, not his! The only way they could have invited you was to seat you at a table with people you don't know, in which case it wouldn't be that nice for you, would it? That or give you the option to bring a friend as well, someone they didn't know at all AND give the same option to her DM's partner. Apart from anything else, that's more expense for them, isn't it? Unless they're made of money, they will have a budget to stick to. If it means so much to you , you could ask your DP to ask can you come to the "afters" as people just mingle then and it doesn't matter where they sit. As it is, try not to take it personally and remember, it's their day! It's not about you!

I'd rather not go than make her feel awkard

It's all about you I suspect there's alot more to the situation that your leaving out here which would alter any supporting reply.

• are you married?
• do you live together?
• do you get on with his dd and the rest of the family?
• do you get on with his ex?
• is his dd allowed time alone with her df?

I had sympathy with you till "..she's all about the easy, easy life" comment. How bitchy. I wouldn't want you anywhere near my wedding if I was her either.

@GuyDiamond

I had sympathy with you till "..she's all about the easy, easy life" comment. How bitchy. I wouldn't want you anywhere near my wedding if I was her either.

I missed that on first read through. Why on earth do you want to go if you don't think much of her marriage

It's possible that it's DMs partner that they don't want there, but in order to make it look fair, you've not been invited either.

Oo nice dig on her marrying into a wealthy family OP. I don't think you like her at all. I may have agreed with you except the mother's partner is also not being invited. Why would you be worthy of acknowledegement if he isn't either.

It'a not unknown for parent to contribute towards weddings etc. Did you think that entitled you to special treatment?

There are a myriad of table configurations that would allow the parents to be at the top table and the partners seated at a place of semi-prominence. Even more so if it’s a wedding with a big budget.

I too would be hurt. I would accept it but would come on here to vent.

The upset comes from the fact that my partner invited me, and then had to break the news to me that I was Uninvited ! Ugh. were you actually invited in the first place though

@Blossomtoes

Sensible woman. Treating both parents’ partners exactly the same and just having her parents on her wedding day. It would be different if you’d been married for 20 years *@Sn0wWhite*.

I think so too. Maybe she doesn't get on with her mum's partner and is finding this a way of not having to invite him? I could imagine my own adult DC doing that and I would respect their decision. It's their day after all. If there's tension and unhappiness on either side, it's forgivable for her to find her own way of solving the problem.

@YellowAndGreenToBeSeen

There are a myriad of table configurations that would allow the parents to be at the top table and the partners seated at a place of semi-prominence. Even more so if it’s a wedding with a big budget.

I too would be hurt. I would accept it but would come on here to vent.

But that then creates a myriad of stress? Who else gets the seat of semi prominence? Godparents, favoured Aunts/Uncles?

Hello yes!! I just wanted to be able to do something nice, and take them out for a celebratory dinner afterwards !! When they are back from honeymoon etc or whenever.

@Sn0wWhite

Hello yes!! I just wanted to be able to do something nice, and take them out for a celebratory dinner afterwards !! When they are back from honeymoon etc or whenever.

That seems like a really lovely and generous gesture.

embarassed to let anyone else know how i feel. so yes I have come here to vent and hear someone else's take. even if it can be hurtful and has left me feeling quite small and petty. I am not wanting to ruin someone else's day as some people have mentioned here.

Op continues to ignore relative questions

@MichelleScarn this would be easily solved in my family.

Top table - usual suspects.

Circular tables around with Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Step Parents

Circular tables with cousins and godparents.

Rowdy friends at the back.

Not a biggie.

.

I've read all your posts and it sounds like you and her aren't particularly close, and you don't actually think that highly of her. You also mention you want to attend to spend the day with your dp, rather than to celebrate her wedding.

She is being fair by inviting neither partner. So it's not personal, yet your instinct is to go there.

You don’t seem to like her a lot. And resent her. And you think she’s marrying for money.

Why do you then care that you are not invited for something lasting a day? And it was your partner’s fault for inviting you. He should have checked.
You and her mother’s partner are not invited. She’s being fair. She wants her biological parents there. Did your OH and his wife split up when she was a small child? If not it might be ok to say for this one occasion I want just my parents.

Whom she is marrying and her money and her career aspirations should not be part of this. What’s wrong with a young girl having career aspirations? The ‘not cool’ bit is in your head, and is part of how you see her.

No, I didn't think it entitled me to special treatment. Quite right. Just that my family and as I was brought up had a different sort of attitude. So it just surprises me.

Sorry to anyone I have upset here with my pettiness. Am on anti-depressants and probably just having a bad day.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I've read all your posts and it sounds like you and her aren't particularly close, and you don't actually think that highly of her. You also mention you want to attend to spend the day with your dp, rather than to celebrate her wedding.

She is being fair by inviting neither partner. So it's not personal, yet your instinct is to go there.

Thanks, we are not close. Agreed.

@Sn0wWhite

Hello yes!! I just wanted to be able to do something nice, and take them out for a celebratory dinner afterwards !! When they are back from honeymoon etc or whenever.

The disengagement model would encourage you not to do that. It would advise - if your DP wants to, don't stand in the way, participate, go along and be gracious. But you need to get to a point where you don't really care enough to want to drive this yourself. Why put yourself out for someone who has snubbed you so?

You are not close. You don't like her. You don't think much of her choices. You don't seem to play any role in her life or family.
Honestly it would have more surprising if the bride & groom had invited you.

can he ask to bring a plus 1