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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU but is still hurts not being invited to a wedding as partner

227 replies

Sn0wWhite · 04/04/2022 15:18

My partner has a grown up daughter, and initially he assumed that I'd be coming with him to the wedding. Unfortunately his daughter had other plans. She isn't inviting her mother's partner or her father's partner (me) to the wedding on the logic that she doesn't know where to seat us.

My partner and I spend a lot of time together but he has work overseas, so we are not always together - so that ads a bit of context. It is "her day" and I guess she wants her parent's there. Not their partners sitting at the head of the table (?)

But still - it's human to feel upset and hurt at being excluded. My partner has expressed his unhappiness to his daughter about this, and we are both feeling sad that I cannot enjoy this important day with him. I will have to watch from the sidelines. The wedding is out of town, and I will not be going. So at least it feels like that puts some distance from the whole thing.

It is hard to feel happy about it. He does a lot for her, and I feel like there is no respect being shown towards me. I just want to be heard out.

OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 04/04/2022 16:44

Share the day ? It's not your day or your dp it's his dd and she doesn't want people there who she's not close with, of course she wants zero dramas with her dps why wouldn't she .

TotallyTS · 04/04/2022 16:50

@AProperStinging

She doesn't want you at her wedding. Your last post gives quite a big clue as to why
Yes I agree, the last post sounds like there's already bitterness and resentment. Maybe that's partly why you're not going.

Honestly, if you don't really have much of a relationship with her then why would you be invited? You don't get an automatic plus one because you're with her dad.

It's different as I'm assuming she was already at least late teens when your relationship started so she's not going to see you as a step parent and she doesn't need you to be one.

I think you need to suck it up, make other plans and don't make this hard for your partner. Definitely don't make him feel bad for celebrating this day. It's not about you @Sn0wWhite

MichelleScarn · 04/04/2022 16:51

Is there any other form of celebration than a wedding where guests or wannabe guests think they should dictate who comes, what happens and where it is?!

TotallyTS · 04/04/2022 16:53

@MichelleScarn

Is there any other form of celebration than a wedding where guests or wannabe guests think they should dictate who comes, what happens and where it is?!
Funerals! That gets even more awkward IME.
Blossomtoes · 04/04/2022 16:58

Definitely funerals. My cousin criticised our choice of crematorium at my mum’s. I was quite grateful - it was the only time I laughed that day.

MurmuratingStarling · 04/04/2022 16:59

If the bride's mother's partner isn't coming either, then it wouldn't bother me tbh.

NarcissasMumintheDoghouse · 04/04/2022 17:04

You're not being unreasonable at all. I'd be hurt in your position, and I would handle it exactly the way you and your DP are handling it. (And it is good that you are on the same page on this.)

The couple getting married either want to snub you (and the other partner); or they are worried there might be a brawl (I'm assuming though you would have said if there was this level of animosity between the parents and their partners); or they are just being incredibly unimaginative when it comes to seating arrangements.

Whatever the reason, they are also being incredibly short-sighted. You (and the other uninvited partner) may be obliged to suck it up because "it's their day, don't make it about you", as many here are suggesting. But this couple would in future be getting the minimal consideration, and absolutely no favours from me for a very long time. Having a wedding isn't an excuse to treat people badly for a day who have been in your life for years already, and are potentially going to be around for a lot longer.

Elsiebear90 · 04/04/2022 17:12

Well I think YANBU, my fiancée’s parents have separated and we are having a very small wedding, it was never an option to not invite her dad’s girlfriend. OP has been with her partner for five years, it’s not a new relationship, I think it’s very rude and I can see why she’s upset.

Hollywolly1 · 04/04/2022 17:13

Everyone saying she can invite who she wants, of course she can we all know that.I can totally understand why you would bevupset as you are together 5 years and I certainly wouldn't be arranging a night out with her or her new husband to celebrate as she seems so immature and obviously her parents have moved on.To me she seems like an entitled spoilt child almost like she's getting her own back on her parents

nocoolnamesleft · 04/04/2022 17:13

At a guess, they don't want near-strangers on their top table, and are worried you'll kick up a fuss if seated away from your partner.

Original poster
Sn0wWhite · 04/04/2022 17:14

TBH, what you call the "snide remarks" comes from a point of reference and tried to ignore the fact that she is marrying into an INCREDIBLY wealthy family that falls in line with her career aspirations..

Sorry if you think am being petty, but it felt like "rejection" because I was not "cool" enough to make the cut. So I feel like the crappy person who doesn't get the invite. God, no I would never ever say anything to her. I came her to find some advice to manage my own stupid feelings. :(
I don't want to react towards her at all.

OP posts:
Frozenlikeablockofmarble · 04/04/2022 17:17

Could be they have a cap on numbers for budgetary reasons and would rather have family or friends that mean the world to them - any number of things. It’s no point second-guessing their motives as that’ll just increase your hurt and make you more likely to say something that will do more damage.

We had to include OH’s father’s 2nd wife at our wedding, or there would have been a world of hurt on his part: she isn’t liked by any of his children though, so we had to judge this one to a nicety and do what worked best for our individual circumstances and OH’s strong relationship with his Dad.

We drew the line at her daughters from her 1st marriage though, as we wanted people there who meant something to us. She thought we were massively unreasonable for that, and created a huge fuss, but she wasn’t in a position to dictate our guest list. TBH it soured her involvement in our wedding - she came very close to being uninvited for pressing for more and unnecessary invitations - and our relationship has never really recovered. Had she left well alone, it would’ve been much more pleasant. But she didn’t know when to stop.

Suck it up with good grace and be that person who knows when to stop.

Original poster
Sn0wWhite · 04/04/2022 17:18

@NarcissasMumintheDoghouse

You're not being unreasonable at all. I'd be hurt in your position, and I would handle it exactly the way you and your DP are handling it. (And it is good that you are on the same page on this.)

The couple getting married either want to snub you (and the other partner); or they are worried there might be a brawl (I'm assuming though you would have said if there was this level of animosity between the parents and their partners); or they are just being incredibly unimaginative when it comes to seating arrangements.

Whatever the reason, they are also being incredibly short-sighted. You (and the other uninvited partner) may be obliged to suck it up because "it's their day, don't make it about you", as many here are suggesting. But this couple would in future be getting the minimal consideration, and absolutely no favours from me for a very long time. Having a wedding isn't an excuse to treat people badly for a day who have been in your life for years already, and are potentially going to be around for a lot longer.

Hi - Thanks for saying that.

Am just the type of person ... and so is the rest of my family, that when there is a wedding or event they try to go out of their way to make people feel comfortable :-s I guess this isn't the same for everyone.

I grew up in a family where friends and family would often drop in for dinner. We were very hospitable, and my mothers family still is. So maybe my point of reference is slightly skewed.

When it came to weddings in my family, OMG there would be no questions asked about partners or plus ones. So yes, maybe my view is not the popular one.

Thank you

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 04/04/2022 17:18

it felt like "rejection" because I was not "cool" enough to make the cut

But why? Her mum’s partner didn’t make the cut either.

Suprima · 04/04/2022 17:21

@Sn0wWhite

TBH, what you call the "snide remarks" comes from a point of reference and tried to ignore the fact that she is marrying into an INCREDIBLY wealthy family that falls in line with her career aspirations..

Sorry if you think am being petty, but it felt like "rejection" because I was not "cool" enough to make the cut. So I feel like the crappy person who doesn't get the invite. God, no I would never ever say anything to her. I came her to find some advice to manage my own stupid feelings. :(
I don't want to react towards her at all.

So what? Good for her. Money buys choices. And you do sound snide.

It’s nothing to do with ‘being cool’ - you are in the parents boyfriend/girlfriend category and you are being treated exactly the same as your male counterpart. You’re her dad’s girlfriend- not his wife of 20 years who she thinks of as stepmum.

If you want some help managing your feelings, you need to change your mindset. It’s her wedding and wants her parents at her top table, in her photos and by her side- and no boyfriends/girlfriends. It’s no critique on you as a person.

marjayy · 04/04/2022 17:23

So...

How long have you been together?
Do you live together?
Do you have a relationship with his DD?

Bananarama21 · 04/04/2022 17:23

TBH, what you call the "snide remarks" comes from a point of reference and tried to ignore the fact that she is marrying into an INCREDIBLY wealthy family that falls in line with her career aspirations

I can't possibly wonder why she wouldn't invite such a nice person Hmm the way you speak about is utterly appalling, several digs throughout the thread you not close and sound very much like a stranger are you even living with her df or married to him?

Original poster
Sn0wWhite · 04/04/2022 17:23

@Hollywolly1

Everyone saying she can invite who she wants, of course she can we all know that.I can totally understand why you would bevupset as you are together 5 years and I certainly wouldn't be arranging a night out with her or her new husband to celebrate as she seems so immature and obviously her parents have moved on.To me she seems like an entitled spoilt child almost like she's getting her own back on her parents
You are right there, and in fact I have been trying to do everything to make sure she is happy with me. So in some sense this is her chance to REJECT me, and she has taken it. So I hope you can see why am feeling bad in this situation. I tried so hard to be liked, but the dynamic wasn't about whether am nice or not.

My partner is contributing to the wedding, the home, and everything, and am very happy they continue to have a good relationship. But leaving me out of it, makes me feel like am not worthy of acknowledgement.

OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 04/04/2022 17:25

Maybe she doesn't want her df gf in the photos or manage your expectations for the day maybe wants to have some photos with her and her df or both her dps.

Original poster
Sn0wWhite · 04/04/2022 17:25

Thank you - I appreciate your reply, and that I shouldn't be so judgmental about it. I will try to be better.

OP posts:
Derbee · 04/04/2022 17:26

I think it’s appallingly rude that you’re not invited, when you’ve been together for 5 years!

An easy life would her and groom at top table, with parents and partners at other tables, if you can’t all be there.

All of this nonsense about “it’s her wedding” etc that gets trotted out on MN is often just an excuse for ridiculously bad behaviour. Just because you’re getting married, doesn’t mean you don’t need to treat people with kindness and respect.

I’d be hurt and pissed off if I were you, her dad, her mum, or her mum’s partner.

Bananarama21 · 04/04/2022 17:26

Your ignoring the relevant questions of living with your dp or being married to him or having a relationship with her.

Blossomtoes · 04/04/2022 17:26

But leaving me out of it, makes me feel like am not worthy of acknowledgement

Why are you so intently ignoring that your male counterpart isn’t being invited either? This isn’t about you.

bananatwain · 04/04/2022 17:27

@Sn0wWhite

TBH, what you call the "snide remarks" comes from a point of reference and tried to ignore the fact that she is marrying into an INCREDIBLY wealthy family that falls in line with her career aspirations..

Sorry if you think am being petty, but it felt like "rejection" because I was not "cool" enough to make the cut. So I feel like the crappy person who doesn't get the invite. God, no I would never ever say anything to her. I came her to find some advice to manage my own stupid feelings. :(
I don't want to react towards her at all.

Why are you trying to ignore that she's marrying in to a wealthy family? Does it bother you that much that you feel you have to actively try not to think about it? What a thing to be bothered by and make snide remarks because of.
Original poster
Sn0wWhite · 04/04/2022 17:27

@Blossomtoes

it felt like "rejection" because I was not "cool" enough to make the cut

But why? Her mum’s partner didn’t make the cut either.

LOLS I guess neither of us are cool enough

The upset comes from the fact that my partner invited me, and then had to break the news to me that I was Uninvited ! Ugh.

OP posts:
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