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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU but is still hurts not being invited to a wedding as partner

227 replies

Sn0wWhite · 04/04/2022 15:18

My partner has a grown up daughter, and initially he assumed that I'd be coming with him to the wedding. Unfortunately his daughter had other plans. She isn't inviting her mother's partner or her father's partner (me) to the wedding on the logic that she doesn't know where to seat us.

My partner and I spend a lot of time together but he has work overseas, so we are not always together - so that ads a bit of context. It is "her day" and I guess she wants her parent's there. Not their partners sitting at the head of the table (?)

But still - it's human to feel upset and hurt at being excluded. My partner has expressed his unhappiness to his daughter about this, and we are both feeling sad that I cannot enjoy this important day with him. I will have to watch from the sidelines. The wedding is out of town, and I will not be going. So at least it feels like that puts some distance from the whole thing.

It is hard to feel happy about it. He does a lot for her, and I feel like there is no respect being shown towards me. I just want to be heard out.

OP posts:
ladydimitrescu · 05/04/2022 00:02

You clearly don't like her, you aren't close - why would she invite you? She's not singled you out. Your partner shouldn't have invited you in the first place, it's not his place to do so.
The way you have spoken about her marriage is horrid. Does your partner know how you speak about his DD?
If a partner spoke about one of my children this way, they'd be out on their arse.

Pancakeorcrepe · 05/04/2022 06:36

You described her as a gold digger who is out for an easy life. I’m glad she hasn’t invited you, you sound very mean.

Rosehugger · 05/04/2022 06:44

@Pancakeorcrepe

You described her as a gold digger who is out for an easy life. I’m glad she hasn’t invited you, you sound very mean.
Where? The OP didn't say gold digger at all. You are projecting.
NumberTheory · 05/04/2022 06:49

@Rosehugger

She didn't use the phrase "gold digger" but I find it hard to read this any other way:

tried to ignore the fact that she is marrying into an INCREDIBLY wealthy family that falls in line with her career aspirations..

Turningpurple · 05/04/2022 06:51

@ladydimitrescu

You clearly don't like her, you aren't close - why would she invite you? She's not singled you out. Your partner shouldn't have invited you in the first place, it's not his place to do so. The way you have spoken about her marriage is horrid. Does your partner know how you speak about his DD? If a partner spoke about one of my children this way, they'd be out on their arse.
This.

Op isn't close to her. Makes no indication she has even tried to form a relationship, but still clearly doesn't like her or support the marriage.

Op isn't upset that she won't be there to share her special day with her. Op is suffering from FOMO. Or this is one of the first events where she would have been on display as his partner and thats what she was looking forward to. Not the marriage.

Op only wants to go for herself. Who, really, wants to go to the wedding of someone they don't like to a wedding they think is a mercenary act rather than because they love eachother and want to be legally joined?

pinksunshine101 · 05/04/2022 12:42

Maybe when she's married she will understand why this is hurtful. I'd be hurt also OP but it is what it is! Enjoy a great day by yourself!

HangingRock25 · 05/04/2022 12:49

@pinksunshine101

Maybe when she's married she will understand why this is hurtful. I'd be hurt also OP but it is what it is! Enjoy a great day by yourself!
@pinksunshine101 But OP isn't even engaged to him, let alone married. So why would the bride feel different, when she is getting married and OP isn't even married? It's the opposite way around. It's rude of the OP, she's only a girlfriend. Maybe if the OP gets married, then SHE will understand how the daughter feels. The OP is the one in the wrong here.
MrsDragonLady · 05/04/2022 17:25

I can understand why you're feeling hurt about this. Maybe more so as I've just been snubbed from my sisters wedding. Always been really close, I'm the only sibling she still talks to. Our parents were invited, as was her best friend and her husband. Just a small wedding, no reception after so not about costs.
Then to top it all off, she's spent months gushing about the wedding, sending me photos of the dress etc and then had the gall to ask me to provide something as her "something borrowed" seeing as I couldn't be there 😒

JudgeJ · 05/04/2022 19:32

@NeedleNoodle3

YANBU I invited both my parent’s partners as I wanted my parents to feel comfortable. Neither were living with their partners, I ended up with the world’s longest top table but that was ok as I don’t want to split my parents up from their significant other.
Surely the parents are on the top table and their partners are seated elsewhere? There doesn't need to be a massive top table.
kirinm · 05/04/2022 20:48

You seem keen to attend for him not her. It's not about him.

Lineofconcepcion · 05/04/2022 21:38

Unfortunately by not inviting you, this may well colour your future relationship with her. Personally I would be very pissed off and would find it difficult to be as generous about it as you are.

Mellowyellow222 · 05/04/2022 21:46

@Lineofconcepcion

Unfortunately by not inviting you, this may well colour your future relationship with her. Personally I would be very pissed off and would find it difficult to be as generous about it as you are.
They aren’t close, dont really know each other.

Their relationship already doesn’t seem great. OP doesn’t seem to have any warm feelings towards the bride. I think the relationship wasn’t going to be great - wedding or not.

I wouldn’t huff over a wedding invitation.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 05/04/2022 21:52

If she doesn't actively dislike OP (and I guess she might) then I think it's supremely weird to not invite her tbh.

When there's no number or £ limit, don't most adults get invited with a plus one?

HangingRock25 · 05/04/2022 22:26

@ChiefWiggumsBoy

If she doesn't actively dislike OP (and I guess she might) then I think it's supremely weird to not invite her tbh.

When there's no number or £ limit, don't most adults get invited with a plus one?

You're missing something. OP's partner is the Father of the Bride. He won't be sitting with his plus one. He will be on the top table. And OP, will be sitting on another table, alone.

Most guests aren't FOTB and don't have FOTB duties.

AnIconOfImperfections · 05/04/2022 22:28

I totally get this and your feelings. YANBU. It’s hurtful to be excluded like this and like you, OP,
I wouldn’t treat someone like this, either. I hope the wedding comes and goes v quickly and your hurt subsides very soon, too 😊

Mellowyellow222 · 05/04/2022 22:31

She has done the same with both parents - so she must have her reason. A residual sadness about the divorce, a concern that her parents will be distracted by their other halves, the awkwardness of where to seat them, a convent they will insist on accompanying their dates to the photo sessions etc etc.

If her dad works away and she doesn’t see much of him maybe she wants to have her dads attention on the day? I assume he will be busy - walking her down the aisle, making speeches, being in the photos. Getting to know the new in laws. OP seems to think it would be a nice sedat out for both of them - but I’m not clear OP would know many people at the wedding - and seems to expect to be spending g the time with her boyfriend - so that may be three daughters concern.

Yes it may sound childish - but she may have stamped her feet and said it’s my day - I don’t want my parents looking after their boyfriend and girlfriend - I want them focused on me.

My parents are together (happily) and barely saw each other at my brothers wedding!

WomanStanleyWoman · 05/04/2022 23:02

@Lineofconcepcion

Unfortunately by not inviting you, this may well colour your future relationship with her. Personally I would be very pissed off and would find it difficult to be as generous about it as you are.
Which bit did you find most generous? When the OP said the daughter was ‘all about the easy life’, or when she said she was ‘trying to ignore’ that daughter was marrying into a wealthy family for what she could get?

If that’s your version of generous, I’d hate to see you when you’re being mean.

HangingRock25 · 05/04/2022 23:15

Yes, @WomanStanleyWoman , so many people on here post replies only having read the first opening post, and not all the OP's updates/answers to previous posters. This is a real issue on Mumsnet that I wish the mods would address. Even just a note *please ensure you click on OP’s posts: See next | See all on this thread before replying, would suffice. It would certainly cut out many clarification posts by other people that take up room on the thread. It would be expedient all round.

Cocomarine · 06/04/2022 07:17

@HangingRock25 do you really think such a thing would help at all? Maybe the odd person who hasn’t worked out that you can do “see all”. But most people who don’t bother to do it now, won’t bother to do it with a reminder!

VeganGod · 06/04/2022 07:28

The upset comes from the fact that my partner invited me, and then had to break the news to me that I was Uninvited ! Ugh.

He shouldn’t have invited you, why did he?

It doesn’t sound like you and his daughter particularly like each other, just stop bothering trying to please her. From her point of view, you’re not her parent, just dads partner, you haven’t played a part in her upbringing so you’re just not that important to her. It’s ok for her to feel that way. But remember you don’t have to bother either, just because you’re with her father.

I’d be grateful to have dodged her wedding if she’s not very pleasant.

Wondergirl100 · 06/04/2022 07:39

Hi Op - if you are still reading 9 pages in please can I give the perspective of a daughter!

Both my sister and I did not invite my dads long term partner to our weddings - and I think yes she was hurt. We really like her! And they live together, its a really serious relationship and she is very welcoming to us.

But the politicis of it - and my mum would have found it agonising on the day - please remember that a wedding day is such a huge emotional thing for bride/ family - it made me so stressed to think of my own mother being unhappy or worried/ stressed on the day. I took what you may think is a cowards way out.

I still get on fine with my step mum - my dad basically played a part by playing down the day to her so it didnt seem such a big deal.

I think in these situations it is best to look for a way NOT to be hurt - there are plenty of people who will come on here and wind you up and say she is trying to disrespect you- this is just nonsense.

Of course humans want an 'easy' life - on their wedding day!! Absolutely nobody wants any sort of anxiety or stress at their wedding - especially on behalf of a partner of a few years they are not close to.

I totally understand your hurt but in the grand scheme of things - this is not a young woman you are close to I think you need to try and look on it as natural and normal you aren't invited. IT is far better for your mental health to be accepting rather than angry.

Calandor · 06/04/2022 07:47

I think it's fair tbh. As a kid of divorce I'm dreading have to figure this out. Can hardly sit my step parents on the high table with my parents... they'd be frosty and it'd be uncomfortable for me. Can't sit them away from the top table/ my parents as they'd feel snubbed.

It feels impossible sometimes. I'd rather elope for this reason. Just makes everything difficult and stressful and sad on a day that's not about my parents being divorced.

rookiemere · 06/04/2022 08:44

Sorry you're going through this @Calandor .

I remember going to cousins weddings when younger and DUncles DW making big fuss about table arrangements ( she is that type of person) , just felt so sorry for my poor cousin who just wanted a happy day.

kirinm · 06/04/2022 09:52

Sorry OP but you've made some pretty snide comments about her here and you don't seem particularly interested in her just a fixation on not being there for your partner. There's probably a chance she can pick up on you thinking she's marrying into a wealthy family which supports her career aspirations even though she wants a very very easy life.

If my DF's partner spoke about me like that, she wouldn't be invited to my wedding either.

Calandor · 06/04/2022 10:33

@rookiemere

Sorry you're going through this *@Calandor* .

I remember going to cousins weddings when younger and DUncles DW making big fuss about table arrangements ( she is that type of person) , just felt so sorry for my poor cousin who just wanted a happy day.

Honestly it takes away from the wedding when it risks so many people being angry at you
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