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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum wants to dictate what work I do while she does childcare

245 replies

CatbirdOnTheTree · 04/04/2022 11:28

My mum offered to do some free childcare (2 days a week, 3/4 hours) for me as there isn’t any available for 1 year olds, and nursery costs the same as my salary factoring in commuting cost and time. Due to that issue of low pay I have decided to change career and have been planning it during my mat leave. I’ve got a great plan which I’m confident with, and I’ve been checking it with friends who agree it’s reasonable and not bonkers.

My mum is getting angry at me because she wants me to continue with the low paid job, which is also coincidentally her previous job. She doesn’t want to do childcare while I launch my new career, even though financially it makes no difference to her, as my partner will support the transition.

I feel like by wanting to better my career she is taking this as an insult to her former job, the job I’m trying to leave. I might have to just put the tv on more to distract my child while I work this out alone...

My mum also gets angry at me for wanting to cycle (“mums don’t cycle”) or wanting a new hairstyle (“it won’t suit your face anymore, you’re too old”) and I don’t know whether she is being unreasonable or am I?

OP posts:
Original poster
CatbirdOnTheTree · 04/04/2022 17:42

@NdefH81

Op How long do you need to return to your previous employer in order to avoid paying back maternity pay?!
Not long. That bit is fine and figured out.
OP posts:
Roundeartheratchriatmas · 04/04/2022 17:47

YY that she wants to have control over what you do with your life when you are an adult is nuts.

It’s good that you can recognise it but I suspect there may be other things that you have normalised because they were/are normal but actually aren’t ok either.

Original poster
CatbirdOnTheTree · 04/04/2022 17:55

@Roundeartheratchriatmas

YY that she wants to have control over what you do with your life when you are an adult is nuts.

It’s good that you can recognise it but I suspect there may be other things that you have normalised because they were/are normal but actually aren’t ok either.

That’s what’s going through my head now. I feel like my whole life I’ve overcompensated because of the weird rules. I just thought that was cultural. I’m sure loads of people are like that? I remember growing up there were mums of my friends who wouldn’t allow me to sit on their sofa, for example. One girl I knew said her mum forced her to have blonde highlights because she wanted her daughter to be blonde.
OP posts:
CakeAmbushAlert · 04/04/2022 17:56

Oh I am so intrigued about the job.

Mums don't cycle is a weird idea though. My mum asked if I was going to stop working permanently after I had children. It's a bit of an insult given that I am good at my job, have a couple of degrees & made me think she doesn't really value what I do. I can't imagine she would say the same to my brother. Hard to understand her mindset as she went back to work herself as we got older. Think she's just a product of her time (in her 70s) & your mum might find it hard to move with the times too @CatbirdOnTheTree

NdefH81 · 04/04/2022 17:59

Oh come on
“Not long”

You don’t like giving any actually detail that will factually contribute to your thread, do you?

It’s a great opportunity
That doesn’t matter
It’s not long

Double2Trouble22 · 04/04/2022 18:01

Mum's don't cycle, what ?

Ever been to Netherlands or Denmark ?
People cycle with several children either directly on the bicycle or in attachment on the cycles

Of course People can cycle, crazy !

Roundeartheratchriatmas · 04/04/2022 18:05

cat it isn’t normal. I’m not sure about cultural as I can only really speak for my own but I suspect not.

I have a friend with a mother who is not dissimilar. Very very controlling and insane behaviour which my poor friend is still only now in her mid 30s learning wasn’t normal and she actually can make her own decisions. I won’t list any specifics here for her privacy as it’s obviously not my place to discuss - but it was very much that her mothers opinions had controlled and shaped her entire life from career choices to partner choice.

There were a few really mind blowing moments when she genuinely could not make a simple decision without her mothers input which made me go Shockand eventually it did begin to dawn that this sort of thing wasn’t normal. Your posts remind me of her.

If you want to feel free to give some more examples and people can say if they think the things are normal or cultural. Here or on a thread in relationships if you think it might help.

Blueroses99 · 04/04/2022 18:08

I’ve only read the OPs posts so sorry if it’s already been suggested - if you’ve only got 6 weeks to cover, could your DP take 4 parental leave (unpaid) in addition to 2 weeks annual leave. Depends whether the lost income is more affordable than going into debt to cover childcare. But I think you are doing the right thing OP with the career change. Baffled that your DM would rather you stick to what you have been doing than aiming higher but sounds like it’s part of a broader opinion of what’s respectable. Perhaps you are moving into a male dominated industry and your DM disapproves. But anyway, short term pain for long term gain.

Original poster
CatbirdOnTheTree · 04/04/2022 18:20

@Roundeartheratchriatmas

cat it isn’t normal. I’m not sure about cultural as I can only really speak for my own but I suspect not.

I have a friend with a mother who is not dissimilar. Very very controlling and insane behaviour which my poor friend is still only now in her mid 30s learning wasn’t normal and she actually can make her own decisions. I won’t list any specifics here for her privacy as it’s obviously not my place to discuss - but it was very much that her mothers opinions had controlled and shaped her entire life from career choices to partner choice.

There were a few really mind blowing moments when she genuinely could not make a simple decision without her mothers input which made me go Shockand eventually it did begin to dawn that this sort of thing wasn’t normal. Your posts remind me of her.

If you want to feel free to give some more examples and people can say if they think the things are normal or cultural. Here or on a thread in relationships if you think it might help.

She was very controlling when I was a child about sports and wanted me to be in the Olympics, her favourite TV program. She would regularly get angry with me that I wasn’t trying hard enough. She pushed me into competitions when I didn’t want to do them.

When I was a teenager she said she was embarrassed to walk with me because of how I looked.

That’s just some things that stick in my memory.

OP posts:
Roundeartheratchriatmas · 04/04/2022 18:25

Neither of those things are normal either.

Again some similarities with my friend. Does she behave in a controlling way to anyone else ? Your dad ? Sorry if you’ve said already.

Roundeartheratchriatmas · 04/04/2022 18:25

I also wonder if she ever tells slight untruths to pain her in a better light or you in a worse one ?

Kite22 · 04/04/2022 18:39

Another who wonders why you would want her influencing your dc, when she has quite a few rather strange ideas.

Like many others, I think you need to pay out for professional childcare as you seem convinced you will be making good money after 6 weeks, it is a very temporary blip.....save up....dh can use AL or parental leave..... take a bit less maternity leave and use the extra money......use an overdraft, credit cards, or arrange a short term loan....or live really frugally for 3 months or so to get the money from not spending.

Original poster
CatbirdOnTheTree · 04/04/2022 18:47

@Roundeartheratchriatmas

Neither of those things are normal either.

Again some similarities with my friend. Does she behave in a controlling way to anyone else ? Your dad ? Sorry if you’ve said already.

She said my dad controls her and isn’t very nice. But she is happy to spend his money and doesn’t understand that what she has done for work is low paid, compared with other options. I thought it was the same with many women. You see these jobs aimed at women which are low paid.
OP posts:
Original poster
CatbirdOnTheTree · 04/04/2022 18:49

People asking me why I’d want me child around my mum? She’s not always like that. I’ve also gotten used to her.

OP posts:
Newmumatlast · 04/04/2022 18:50

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

She shouldn't be putting you down but ultimately she doesn't have to provide you with childcare if she doesn't want to.
Agree with this.

I never understand parents who don't want to help their kids succeed though or to improve their circumstances. I personally hope my children succeed far beyond what I have. I hope the generations after me have an upward trajectory. Otherwise, I would feel I haven't added any value as a parent. So I'll do whatever I can to support them and make that happen. And I dont just mean financially or in terms of job title. I mean stability across the board. Particularly better mental health, ability to choose something they love and succeeding at it.

I'm sorry your mum isnt like this OP. Don't let her stop you reaching for better for yourself.

alfagirl73 · 04/04/2022 18:50

I didn't have the childcare issues, however, I very much recognise the mindset.

My mum got it into her head who I was and what she expected me to be - which frankly wasn't much. She used to come out with things about me and it was utter nonsense - she never actually tried to get to know me, and her idea of who I was in terms of my likes, dislikes, interests, abilities, etc... was completely bizarre.

She also decided that I was going to spend my life in a particular job, which was what she originally did before she married & had kids. She hated it when I decided to do more than that and got myself some pretty amazing jobs in high profile companies. She then shifted to deciding I must be utterly crap at all those jobs and was constantly asking me if someone was "checking my work" like I couldn't POSSIBLY be capable of doing such a job or having any kind of responsibility at work.

I went on to become a very successful professional but for some reason my mum could not get her head around my work at all in the sense that if I said I had a big meeting or had to go away to a conference - or anything that remotely suggested that my job might involve me having any kind of responsibility or professional expertise - she would roll her eyes or make some kind of dismissive remark as though I must be making it up. One of her favourite put-downs was "and why would they ask you?!" (eg. if I was chosen to work on a big project, or if I was offered a promotion or whatever). She simply could not and would not accept that I was actually a pretty intelligent, educated and competent professional who was good at her job... because it wasn't what I was "supposed" to be in her eyes. To her I had ideas WAAAAYYYYY above my station and whatever I was doing, I had no business doing it and I must be crap at it anyway.

I really hope you manage to figure something out so you can do what you really want to do!

theschitt · 04/04/2022 19:01

I'm confused, why can't you partner pay for childcare op?
Are they the child's father?

Roundeartheratchriatmas · 04/04/2022 19:07

Do you think your dad controls her ? You’ve said she says that but not said if you agree ?

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 04/04/2022 19:12

“My partner thinks it is a good plan and wants me to try it out. He thinks my mum doesn’t understand what I do/want to do, because she has never seen it in action. I tried a few years ago to get her to see it. But she never pays much attention!“

Stop trying to please your mother. You live for yourself and your little family, not for her.

I suggest you read up about daughters of narcissistic mothers. You might find yourself recognising a fair bit if the behaviour. She certainly sounds controlling.

TurquoiseDragon · 04/04/2022 19:19

@CatbirdOnTheTree

I’m finding these replies hard to digest as I haven’t really seen it from a different perspective before. One of my friends commented at one point “it’s like she doesn’t know you”.
I don't think she does know you.

She was controlling when I was a child, yes. She wanted me to be her. She loves it when I dress like her and act like her.

She's only seeing what she wants you to be, hence her unhappiness that you are working to leave the job that she had.

I reckon she's feeling something along the lines of you rejecting the job is you rejecting her, in some way.

But you need to do this, and not just for the income. You need to encourage the separation of you and your mum in her mind. So I reckon a bit of debt now that can be paid off later will be okay.

Original poster
CatbirdOnTheTree · 04/04/2022 19:53

@Roundeartheratchriatmas

Do you think your dad controls her ? You’ve said she says that but not said if you agree ?
No, I think my dad has anger issues due to childhood but also my Mum’s expectation that he will be a high earning alpha male. Toxic masculine requirements for him. I think they’re both unhappy!
OP posts:
RantyAunty · 04/04/2022 20:00

My mother had a thing about me not being successful.
There were only 3 jobs, we were allowed to pursue. Hair dresser, secretary , nurse but our main priority was to quickly find a husband.

2 of my sisters gave in to her demands.

I didn't.

Roundeartheratchriatmas · 04/04/2022 20:43

I only asked as your first response wasn’t what you thought - it was what your mum says.

Is that way of thinking a pattern ?

Genuinely you do remind my of my Dfriend. A lot of conversations went:

DF “my mum says xxxxx”

Me “but what do you want ?”

Runnerduck34 · 05/04/2022 00:13

It sounds like she's insecure and doesn't want you to achieve more than she did.
It's rubbish, most mums would be proud and happy to help, sadly shes not one of them.
If alternative childcare is out if the question I'd try and talk her round. Don't disparage your current/ her previous job just say its for more earning potential, better future, a field you're really interested in.
Some parents just don't value further education or training ,especially if it's not the norm in your family.
I think she is bu not supporting you with childcare to so you can study and retrain when its something she is willing to do to support low paid work , it's not like your asking her to look after DC what you paint your nails or watch daytime telly!

Cornishclio · 05/04/2022 00:34

Obviously YANBU and your mums views on women and careers particularly seem very outdated and as she is not supportive of you or your career I would not be accepting help from her. The little help she is offering anyway does not seem to be enough to allow you to cover this 6 week period. You both either need to save up enough or your partner takes sufficient holiday to cover the period you need child care for or you delay this until you receive sufficient free hours or your child is in school. She is not obliged to give you free childcare and does not sound reliable anyway. Her views are damaging to any children you have too.