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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum wants to dictate what work I do while she does childcare

245 replies

CatbirdOnTheTree · 04/04/2022 11:28

My mum offered to do some free childcare (2 days a week, 3/4 hours) for me as there isn’t any available for 1 year olds, and nursery costs the same as my salary factoring in commuting cost and time. Due to that issue of low pay I have decided to change career and have been planning it during my mat leave. I’ve got a great plan which I’m confident with, and I’ve been checking it with friends who agree it’s reasonable and not bonkers.

My mum is getting angry at me because she wants me to continue with the low paid job, which is also coincidentally her previous job. She doesn’t want to do childcare while I launch my new career, even though financially it makes no difference to her, as my partner will support the transition.

I feel like by wanting to better my career she is taking this as an insult to her former job, the job I’m trying to leave. I might have to just put the tv on more to distract my child while I work this out alone...

My mum also gets angry at me for wanting to cycle (“mums don’t cycle”) or wanting a new hairstyle (“it won’t suit your face anymore, you’re too old”) and I don’t know whether she is being unreasonable or am I?

OP posts:
TheSoapyFrog · 04/04/2022 14:44

Regardless as to what the new job is, I don't think your mum is going to be reliable. I suspect if you were to give in to her caveat, there will be something else she wants to impose. And she'll most likely withdraw her offer every time she disapproves of what you're doing.
Given that you're only asking for a few hours a week, it really doesn't seem worth the hassle anyway. I'd look into paying for childcare instead.

Fairislefandango · 04/04/2022 14:47

Why on earth are people quizzing the OP about what her work will be? That's irrelevant and none of her mother's business. The thread is about whether the mother is behaving unreasonably, not about whether you think the OP's business plan is any good (which you can't know, as you don't know what it is).

How ridiculously controlling to only want to care for her grandchild if she can stipulate the OP's work. If that weren't enough, her other comments about the OP's cycling and hairstyle show her true colours anyway.

Nnique · 04/04/2022 15:00

At the start of the thread it was a valid question to ask.

With further answers given there’s plenty of information on which to base replies and I agree, people need to stop badgering for further details. OP has a degree, has considered what to do during her maternity leave, has studied/planned for this next stage in her career progression. It’s obviously not some hare brained scheme or MLM scam, so I think we can give OP credit that it is a legitimate course of action.

OP had hoped her mum would be a useful stop-gap instead of childcare. It’s not worked out that way, so the two parents of the child will need to sort childcare, as part of their parenting responsibilities.

LittleGwyneth · 04/04/2022 15:04

People on MN are very weird sometimes. Until you explain what job you want to do, so they can make an assessment, they wont' acknowledge that it's very controlling of your mother to only offer help if it's to do something she wants you to do.

I do agree that it's best you just say no thank you to her offer and find a way to have professional childcare. You can't want to have to jump through hoops to be given her help.

EyespywithmylittleEYE3 · 04/04/2022 15:08

You are an adult
Do what you want to do
If necessary, find alternative child care, look into the Government rebate where if you work, you can claim child care costs back

IncompleteSenten · 04/04/2022 15:16

If her help is conditional then all you can do is say no to her help.

Nothappyatwork · 04/04/2022 15:19

I learned the hard way that your mother does not need to know everything about your life, might be a bit tricky at the moment because as you say it’s her ex role but going forward that strategy is worked out really quite well for me …. how was work today …: absolutely wonderful mother thank you for asking is entirely sufficient in terms of conversation about your career.

Svadhyaya · 04/04/2022 15:34

If you were doing the job she wanted you to do, do you you think she would then start finding ways to pick at you for that too?
It sounds like it could be about controlling you rather than her disapproving of the actual details of the job.

Original poster
CatbirdOnTheTree · 04/04/2022 15:42

I’m finding these replies hard to digest as I haven’t really seen it from a different perspective before. One of my friends commented at one point “it’s like she doesn’t know you”.

OP posts:
Sally872 · 04/04/2022 15:45

If you're not in danger of being ripped off by some sort of selling scheme then it sounds like a good plan.

Your question to mum is "can you help with childcare on these times/days for 6 weeks" then take it from there. If she says no because it isn't for your previous job she is unreasonable but at least you know where you stand. New plan would be back to old job and save until you can pay 6 weeks nursery you need to retrain.

SilverCatStripes · 04/04/2022 16:30

CatbirdOnTheTree

Your mum knows the version of “you” that is her daughter.

Your friend knows the version of “you” that is her friend.

We all see people in the version we want to see them.

And FWIW I think you should use paid childcare, you know it will be reliable and consistent, and then you can let your mum do babysitting for occasional nights out etc. relying on family to do unpaid regular childcare is often a recipe for disaster anyway.

Cuddlemuffin · 04/04/2022 16:36

Do you think she might have offered free childcare to actually help you out or perhaps so that you feel like you owe her something so she can control you?

She is being unreasonable but there is little you can do about that if she provides free childcare for you. I suppose you either sort other childcare or wait until a time when you can before you change your job. She's put you in a difficult position. Could you try talking to her and appealing to her compassionate side? (If she has one) x

Nnique · 04/04/2022 16:46

@SilverCatStripes

CatbirdOnTheTree

Your mum knows the version of “you” that is her daughter.

Your friend knows the version of “you” that is her friend.

We all see people in the version we want to see them.

And FWIW I think you should use paid childcare, you know it will be reliable and consistent, and then you can let your mum do babysitting for occasional nights out etc. relying on family to do unpaid regular childcare is often a recipe for disaster anyway.

This.

Don’t worry or stress too much over comments here @CatbirdOnTheTree - it doesn’t have to be a big deal, you don’t have to cut her out of your life or anything like that (unless there’s a lot more to the story that you haven’t gone into).

It’s just that sometimes parents think they know you when actually they really don’t - their version of you might be based on your growing up years, for example, rather than you now as a professional and a parent, in a partnership with another adult and a unit of your own. Parents also often continue thinking they know what’s best for you and should be able to dictate to you as an adult the same way they did when you were a child or a teenager. Sometimes their own flaws mean that they can find your happiness, your success, even your wanting to do things differently to how they did it, difficult to take. Whatever the case may be, often a little bit of space is best; a bit of separation rather than being in each other’s laps all the time.

If you really don’t have any realistic options for childcare just now you will simply have to work a bit longer at the old job to facilitate saving up to allow you to progress. Is the training something you can take up at any point?

Xmasbaby11 · 04/04/2022 16:51

SIBU and not supportive of you, which is a real shame. It seems that she doesn't get you or wants to control you in some way. Either way, she has made her decision and can't be relied on for childcare in this situation.

My DM has always been supportive of my career but when the DC were young, very much discouraged me from pursuing anything different/challenging, and encouraged me to work part time and have more time at home with the DC. But in fact, this was how I felt so perhaps a reflection of what I wanted to hear. Even now (DC 8 and 10), she would probably discourage me from applying for a promotion etc. She does love me and support me but think she worries about how I / we would cope under more pressure.

I hope you can find alternative childcare and that the career change is a positive one.

PandemicAtTheDisco · 04/04/2022 16:52

My friend/neighbour would only do childcare for her daughter if her daughter toed the line. As soon as the daughter did anything my friend didn't like then she would become awkward or be unable to provide childcare at the last minute. They are now low contact.

My friend/neighbour doesn't approve of many of the friends/partners/colleagues/in-laws in her daughter's life. She is devastated at the state of their relationship but keeps trying to force control over her daughter's life.

The last major argument was over a Christmas present for her grandchild. She asked her daughter what she should buy; she was given a link that was exactly what the grandchild wanted and then kept threatening to buy alternatives and suggesting why they were better. There was no reason to not buy what her grandchild wanted and what her daughter suggested. She seemed to back down but then chose something else and her grandchild wasn't happy with the unwanted alternative - which is what my friend/neighbour had been told. She was then upset her grandchild wasn't estatic about the unwanted present. The daughter has now bought the correct toy herself and regifted the unwanted version. It spoiled Christmas and Granny is now longer allowed to buy the main, big present because she can't be trusted.

dizzydizzydizzy · 04/04/2022 16:59

@AryaStarkWolf

Mom's don't cycle? What a strange thing to say/think!

Yeah that is truly odd. DM still cycles and she is 79. I'm a mum and cycle everywhere.

CakeAmbushAlert · 04/04/2022 17:01

@CatbirdOnTheTree is there a reason your Mum is concerned about your new job choice?

It's not OnlyFans or online gambling is it?!

Original poster
CatbirdOnTheTree · 04/04/2022 17:07

[quote CakeAmbushAlert]@CatbirdOnTheTree is there a reason your Mum is concerned about your new job choice?

It's not OnlyFans or online gambling is it?![/quote]
No it’s just something quite normal but doesn’t fit into her idea of what a mother or woman should do? So I grew up with quite a limited idea of what was possible. That’s still continuing. It’s linked to the idea that mothers should have “a certain haircut” and behave in a particular way that involves not cycling and other weird stuff. I don’t know where she gets these ideas from, but it’s quite suffocating.

OP posts:
StillWeRise · 04/04/2022 17:09

as a secondary issue, do you want your child cared for by someone who thinks 'mums don't cycle' ?? I wouldn't

YawnAndTheyWillYawnToo · 04/04/2022 17:10

Christ we could be related if my mother wasn’t dead. She was awful and control and it took years before I told her to fuck off

Roundeartheratchriatmas · 04/04/2022 17:19

Quite honestly she sounds absolutely nuts - when you are earning a bit more get some therapy to go though your thought patterns and emotions as it will undoubtedly have effected you in many ways.

Original poster
CatbirdOnTheTree · 04/04/2022 17:22

Is having a conservative attitude towards women really nuts? I thought a lot of people thought like that. I just took it that she’s conservative and boring and wants me to be the same.

OP posts:
Nnique · 04/04/2022 17:25

Well no it’s not nuts in and of itself. She can hold whatever opinions she wants. What she can’t do is make you think/behave however she wants or hold the same odd opinions just because she wants you to...

Lots of people have odd little ‘rules’ they grew up with and they often try to apply those odd little rules to everyone else.

NdefH81 · 04/04/2022 17:30

Op
How long do you need to return to your previous employer in order to avoid paying back maternity pay?!

SleeplessInEngland · 04/04/2022 17:38

She can say yes or no to childcare but that’s it. If it’s a dealbreaker then find help elsewhere if you can and pursue this new career.