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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SAHM for five years or so - AIBU?

160 replies

Whyisitsowet · 04/04/2022 07:46

I’m really not enjoying work at all and while there are advantages to my working most of these aren’t immediate - they are things we may benefit from in later life (pension) or when we retire.

Am really considering not going back after maternity leave second time around until school age so five / six years or so.

I can’t work out if sensible or not - what are your experiences?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 04/04/2022 07:49

Assuming you're in a relationship, what does your partner think?
Is it financially viable?
Would you find it easy to return to work in a few years time?
What happens if your partner loses their job or falls ill? Do you have a contingency in place?
What does the SAHM role look like for your family? Do you and your partner have a similar view of your responsibilities?

Turningpurple · 04/04/2022 07:52

There's no one answer to this.

Its depends on many things.

Does your OH enough to comfortably meet the bills?
Do you have an OH?
Are they happy for you to?
Do you have a career that will be damaged and hard to get back into after a 5 year break?
What's your plan to keep your pension in a good place?
Are you married or at least have half of any (if there's any) assets in your name?
Do you have financial independence away from your job and your partner (incase of a split).
What's you OH like in general? Are they an arse or a good person? How are they money in general?

Being a sahp is an individual choice that people need to make only based on their own situation. Weighing up risk and reward and being completely aware of both. Just the same as being a working parent.

Original poster
Whyisitsowet · 04/04/2022 07:57

I am married and we have both spoken about it but a bit idly - more in a oh wouldn’t it be nice if rather than a serious conversation.

One of the biggest draws is that we’d be able to have cheaper holidays for this period. I’m a teacher so we are restricted to school holidays.

Pension wise, while I wouldn’t say pensions aren’t important, I have paid into mine for twenty years and I don’t want my retirement to be a reason for my life with little children to be so stressful.

OP posts:
BendingSpoons · 04/04/2022 08:00

How easy would it be to get back into work in 5 years? Would you have to essentially take a demotion? Where possible I'm a fan of part time working to keep your hand in, but that's not as easy with teaching.

Original poster
Whyisitsowet · 04/04/2022 08:05

I’m a teacher so very hard to say … a lot depends on recruitment. This is one reason that I’m hesitant to do it but I am stressed out of my mind here Grin

OP posts:
Classicblunder · 04/04/2022 08:08

I would only do it if your motivation is hating your job, I would only do it if you really like the idea of being a SAHM

Classicblunder · 04/04/2022 08:08

Should say wouldn't do it if...

Original poster
Whyisitsowet · 04/04/2022 08:10

Both feed into one another though, don’t they? I mean, it would be easier to leave my children if I had the motivation of a fantastic enjoyable and rewarding job but I don’t,so it makes it all so much harder.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whyisitsowet · 04/04/2022 08:10

I knew what you meant!

OP posts:
Trinacham · 04/04/2022 08:11

I'm in a similar position. 2 months into maternity leave. When pregnant, and before we even started trying, we planned for ne to be a SAHM. Now I'm wondering whether to go back! Would you miss the extra money and having your 'own' money? My DH wants me to stay home, but I need to do what's best for me, and us all.

Original poster
Whyisitsowet · 04/04/2022 08:13

I would and that’s a consideration definitely. If I am honest though that’s the only thing I would miss! Childcare fees for two also won’t come cheap.

OP posts:
Elpheba · 04/04/2022 08:15

I’m a teacher and stopped work when I had my first because we moved across the country. I stayed home with them until 18 months, then did a part time maternity contract for a year while I was pregnant with my second. Stayed home until they were 14 months. By then I was bored out of my mind so ended up getting a minimum wage job for 12 hours so I could justify putting the youngest in nursery for 2 short days a week. The youngest will now start school in September and I’m going to be looking for something “proper” but in my experience the part time teacher jobs always go to people that already worked there and have negotiated a part time return. Which means I face the prospect of full time teaching (no thanks!) or retraining. I do feel incredibly lucky that I’ve had this time with them, and was grateful to not be teaching during the pandemic! But if you like the school in general I’d see about negotiating a job there that you might like more before leaving completely.

superking · 04/04/2022 08:16

I did it and returned to work a year ago when my youngest was 5. No regrets at all here, it worked perfectly for our family. I think Turningpurple has set out the potential issues to consider very well. Most important to me would be being married and your DH not being an arse!

Original poster
Whyisitsowet · 04/04/2022 08:17

@Elpheba that’s definitely a problem and a similar thing happened to me. I returned FT because there weren’t PT ones available. And I do wonder if it’s that which is killing me. The problem is I’m just not enjoying it at all and that makes dropping off at nursery so hard.

OP posts:
intwrferingma · 04/04/2022 08:19

It really depends what you do. I'm an extreme example but I was a broadcast journalist. When we upped sticks as a family and moved overseas with OH's job we saw it as an opportunity for me to be SAHM - toddler and abtogher on the way. The reality was it completely wrecked my career by coinciding with the moment (late 90's, early 00's) when the BBC went digital. When I returned I never managed to catch up and had to reconfigure. Which I did. But not satisfactorily.
I don't regret being a SAHM but I do regret the loss of career and status iyswim.

SafelySoftly · 04/04/2022 08:22

I’d only do if I had an extremely highly paid partner and savings of several years in case they were made redundant. Why would you give up financial independence?

Koigarden · 04/04/2022 08:26

It’s a tough one. I got made redundant 15 years ago, I was pregnant at the time. I always intended to go back but never did. We have our own business so I’ve been doing a small amount of work there, a few hours a week. My kids are now young teens and I’m just starting to get bored not working, never have been before. Luckily I can just work in the business but if I couldn’t I realise it would be really hard to get a job.

ReeseWitherfork · 04/04/2022 08:27

You sound sensible. Sensible is good. But don’t let “sensible” be the only factor in your decision. If you can afford it, and it’s feasible, take the leap.

Candleabra · 04/04/2022 08:28

I think you hating your job is clouding your judgement. There are other jobs out there. Or is part time an option for a bit?

I know the SAHM set up can work, but I think it often devalues the woman in the relationship (not immediately, but eventually). You have to set strong ground rules and boundaries.
I would also be worried about losing my autonomy and the ability to be the only independent adult in the house if you do split up. No one wants to hear this, but a lot of marriages end in divorce. Or people (usually women) get stuck in unhappy relationships they can’t afford to leave.

Also my husband died 4 years ago. If I hadn’t had a good job we would have been screwed. Completely. Imagine losing your partner AND having no income, losing your home etc
Easy to think it’ll never happen, but it does, and more often than people think.

Swayingpalmtrees · 04/04/2022 08:29

I loved being a SAHM and if you have the option to enjoy some carefree years whilst your children are little I would grab it both hands!

Teaching is easy to return to, and I don't personally think you would regret it. If later down the line you change your mind/circumstances change, then you can switch back.

You will not get this time back, and spending your children's early childhood 'stressed out of your mind' is so very far from ideal. The highly stressed environment is one they will remember too don't forget. I would have a deeper conversation with dh outlining the numbers, options and future and agree your plan forward.

gogohm · 04/04/2022 08:30

In your circumstances I would if I could afford it, register for supply work once the youngest starts school then go back into full time work once they are in year 1

Heathofhares · 04/04/2022 08:31

I think as a teacher you are in a better position to do this than many people. Full time teaching is a killer with two under school age. The short term child care costs make the financial hit of staying home more balanced and I know lots of people who have got back into teaching after a break. It's not like some careers where five years out and you can never go back.

I did a couple of distance learnig courses to boost my skills and volunteered at my kids school for a couple of terms before I went back and have had no trouble getting another job.

twinsetandpearl · 04/04/2022 08:34

To be honest your husband gets the final say - he's the one who would be taking on the financially responsibility of being the sole earner. I do find it odd that the often crippling responsibility and pressure of being the primary sole earner is so easily overlooked on MN (I'm a mum of 3 and I'm the main earner so perhaps I see things from a different perspective). If my husband who regularly says he hates his job said he'd like to be a STAHP (which would be cheaper as he earns less than our childcare some months) I'd take a dim view of it to be honest

Brefugee · 04/04/2022 08:35

I think you have to consider all possible scenarios.
Will you still have money to spend as you like on what you want for you? Will your pension be topped up (this is hugely important). Did you know that if you get the child tax credit (I think it's called) your NI contributions are credited to your state pension.

People don't like to think about it but what if your relationship goes tits up? What if you or your partner have a life-changing accident? Or one of the children?

Mundane things: will you be expected/expecting to do 100% of all the household things or will it be your "job" with equal access to downtime (for you) and hobbies? Night feeds? homework help? All the things.

You need to be clear as a family how this will work. what each of you is prepared to sacrifice as well as what each of you is willing/able to contribute. You're a teacher? would you be prepared to do a bit of tutoring or exam marking or things like that? to keep your hand in?

or is it worth taking your maternity leave to rethink and retrain to something that you think you would enjoy more?

Appleblum · 04/04/2022 08:35

I think you being a teacher puts you in a pretty good position here. There's always a shortage of teachers! Honestly can't think of a time when teachers can't get work. I'd have a serious discussion with your partner regarding the finances and go for it if he's agreeable. I mean 5 years is not a hard and fast rule, you can always go back earlier if you find that the sahm life isn't for you.

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