SAHM for five years or so - AIBU?

[Whyisitsowet]

I’m really not enjoying work at all and while there are advantages to my working most of these aren’t immediate - they are things we may benefit from in later life (pension) or when we retire.

Am really considering not going back after maternity leave second time around until school age so five / six years or so.

I can’t work out if sensible or not - what are your experiences?

On the other side, I’ve carried on working but found it quite hard at times but the money brings us additional choices. I have wanted to throw it in at times especially when they’ve both been tag teaming sickness and it feels relentless.
What I would say though is don’t make a decision until your second has arrived. Dealing with one is different to two and also there is a personality element . My eldest would have been bored out of her mind if she wasn’t in nursery. She’s a very sociable creature who wants to be wish children her own age and has done since she was about 2. It wouldn’t have suited her at all to be at home with me and my other child.

Also to throw a curve ball, the nursery years are significantly easier then primary. I’m glad I worked through and if anything, I might take a career break when both of mine start school so I can be fully around, attend the assemblies and performances and be more present.

@ThePlantsitter I get that we all have different feelings about it , its a shame so many judge others for what they choose
Happy mum normally equals happy children in my experience

@Bunnycat101 but they can still go to nursery when 3 and there are toddler groups etc , no need for a child to only be at home with mum and sibling, lots of options for socialising

[quote Whyisitsowet]@Elpheba that’s definitely a problem and a similar thing happened to me. I returned FT because there weren’t PT ones available. And I do wonder if it’s that which is killing me. The problem is I’m just not enjoying it at all and that makes dropping off at nursery so hard.[/quote]
I was in a similar position and I deeply regret not doing it. In hindsight, it would have been fine financially, and I shouldn’t have let work and my DH bully me to into working full time and parenting a difficult child that slept poorly with zero support. I would absolutely SAHM if you want to and you can. My child has problems with anxiety and I will never know if my being so stressed when she was little contributed.

I'm at home since the pandemic began.

My DC have benefited from me being here, especially DS he needed it, great.

However my MH, self care, motivation has gone down the drain doing the same thing everyday, it's so easy to stick on jogging bottoms.

My motivation is "this time next year".

worriedatthistime Yes but that wouldn’t necessarily be free or affordable. Yes in theory she could access the 15 hours but there is no-where near me that would offer someone the 15 hours for free.

@Whyisitsowet

Just had baby 1 . Im a primary teacher - so so so stressful . I will go back after end of maternity. I want another baba !!! So after second is born it will cost more for them to go to nursery than I earn . So I’m planning on being a SAHM for 5 years ( until both are at school )

I worry if my references will be out dated ?
Will anyone employ me ?

But I believe there is such a huge shortage of teachers there will always be jobs !

I pray anyway I’ll never have to go back to teaching when I finish as I blood my hate it !

About the tutoring, I should have said that DH found a niche where he was mainly tutoring pupils who were homeschooled/doing a subject off timetable. So not supporting in-class learning but teaching a whole subject/exam course 1:1. Might something like that appeal more? We also made sure to budget excluding his tutoring income for a long time, so for many years he didn't have to work but was choosing to spend some time that way and the money was a nice bonus...

Hi op I was at home a good few years between ill parents/cost childcare. My kids had me here. I do feel the cv suffers I did get work (2017) but you have to build up all your experience again. Part T was very hard to get

I thought I might get jumped on for saying that being a SAHM is a valuable choice; and that word CHOICE is the important one. Women did not fight for choice for us in order to finish up feeling a "lack of respect from others about your role" as a mother. That is truly very sad.

The idea was that we would be able to have a career on an equal footing with men: not that we would only be valued if we had that career. We do have choice now: we can have a career and choose not to have children; we can have a career and children, using child care while we are out at work; we can choose to work part time, and "mix and match", maybe having the best of both worlds. All are valid choices which once women did not have.

There was nothing in the women's liberation movement that said women SHOULD choose to have a career, or indeed should choose to stay at home. There was nothing that said that women who choose to stay at home should be devalued. It was, as I say, about giving choice. And there was nothing that said that women should drive themselves into the ground trying to do everything. I see around me some very very tired and frantic women - it is very sad. Is this what we fought for?

And there was nothing in my post that was judgemental, although it clearly hit a raw nerve with some.

We have come round in a loop where the fight for choices has become loaded with value judgements; from having no choice, to now being under pressure to have a career or be seen as a lesser being. That cannot be right.

None of my education felt wasted while I was home with the children. I learned a lot from them and they learned a lot from me. It was a two-way traffic. And much of what I learned as a parent could transfer to my career, when I picked it up once more.

It is about valuing women whatever choices they make about career or home or both.

Everyone thinks they'll "just stop for 5 years".

Then they find that in fact, getting back in at the level the expect is much harder than envisaged.

Barriers to returning can include:

• struggling to go back in at the level you left
• needing to upskill/refresh your knowledge or training
• simply being out of the habit of working and juggling that with family needs
• not being able to accept that childcare is expensive so you bring home less than you envisaget/expect
• part time working tending to be more available to people who've remained in the workforce than new joiners
• partners being used to having a SAHP and not picking up enough share of the family responsibilities to allow you to commit properly to a job

However I would say the biggest thing among my friends has been the need for mutual agreement between spouses that one party should stay at home with children.

Among my parents generation I think for men this was the default, it was expected that you would support a family on one salary.

I think few younger men are as happy to accept that financial responsibility, especially when seeing the impact a second salary has on family finances. Housing is more expensive etc. I think also women used to earn so much less that it was a smaller impact a wife stopping work to have a family. Now many young women earn as much as their partners so that salary is sorely missed if they stop work.

Having a SAHP is only feasible if both parties 100% agree its what's best.

I think that either choice is hard. Freedom to make those choices is what matters.

I guess it depends how much you value the idea of getting to the top of your career. Returning after a period of looking after your children might indeed mean a bit of catching up - but it all depends whether you mind about that - it is about weighing up values.

When I did return to work after 5 years, my OH shared much of the care and fitted it round his job, in the same way I was fitting it round mine.

They loved their "Daddy Days" - I did not enquire too closely as to what they got up to.

@mischance you pulled apart my post in a very judgemental way. 'Do you mean 'making a happy home' by drudgery?' Not judgemental? 'I feel sad for your children' not judgemental? 'I don't know what you mean about spending too much time with your kids you should love every second' (I paraphrase) not judgemental? Nothing judgemental my arse.

I completely agree that SAHM should be seen as of value. Of course I do, I did it for 6 years. I also think that silencing women when they talk about their personal experiences - I was not making any value judgement other than how I felt and about myself - is extremely patronising and not doing what you say you think is important, i.e valuing women.

I am a working mom. I popped out today at lunch time to do some errands and saw some moms with their babies having lunch. I got that terrible missing my baby pain (16months and at nursery) . So I would take the time with the baby . My career wouldn't be there in 5 years .
Only thing is would you be able to do much ? Coffees , baby clubs etc ? If money is too tight I think it can be tough all day.
Let us know what you decide

[quote ThePlantsitter]@mischance you pulled apart my post in a very judgemental way. 'Do you mean 'making a happy home' by drudgery?' Not judgemental? 'I feel sad for your children' not judgemental? 'I don't know what you mean about spending too much time with your kids you should love every second' (I paraphrase) not judgemental? Nothing judgemental my arse.

I completely agree that SAHM should be seen as of value. Of course I do, I did it for 6 years. I also think that silencing women when they talk about their personal experiences - I was not making any value judgement other than how I felt and about myself - is extremely patronising and not doing what you say you think is important, i.e valuing women.[/quote]
Making a different judgement and outlining that is not judgemental.

Saying you feel sad for someone's kids is judgemental.

I went back to work part time when did was 7 months.
I did 2 compressed days.She went to a childminder 1 day,it was initially tone 2 but her dad decided to compressed hours too and had her on his own for 1 day.
I'm glad I kept my job going,I still missed promotions but did manage to keep my pension going.My solid marriage broke down after 18 years so being able to bring in an ok wage and move to a cheap house near DDS school made it work.
I am now retired and working part-time,until you're there you don't get how important the pension is it saves having to work long hours plus overtimes as others do and still help DD financially through uni.
Your children are with you for a lot longers than those few tough years before they go to school.

I make no apologies for finding it sad that someone is not enjoying their children; it is equally sad when someone does not enjoy their job.

I want women to have choice and make the right choices for them.

It is of course all rather academic if you are stuck in a miserable job on minimum wage and faced with astronomical rises in bills.

@Bunnycat101 toddler groups were free or donation that I went too some of the business ones more expensive
Mine also had at the time 15 3 hrs from 3 but we had to take the place at 2 years 9 months but I knew all this so we planned accordingly
Whichever way you go you have to think long term
Im not career orientated so a break for me was fine , I had no pension anyway and wasn't on a huge salary
Plus going from nothing to something was an increase and I got a part time job around school hrs so no childcare costs even then.
As more jobs become flexible hopefully there will be more choice for working parents both men and women,
Its a shame not all have a choice
We sacrificed holidays and a car for me to sahm but we didn't have a mortgage , where as some do have so they have to work to pay that

@mischance I don't find it surprising that you make no apologies. You should though, because you have misquoted me, judged me incorrectly, and insulted me and my relationship with my kids. Nothing to do with what either of us think about SAH - weirdly I believe we actually agree on that point.

OP I'm sure you'll make the right decision for you. There are disadvantages to everything even if some people kid themselves there are not. Only you know whether the advantages outweigh them.

@Hotheadwheresthecoldbath not all of us have pensions or certainly not good ones
Im temping at the moment and haven't taken up the pension as i cannot afford the loss of my wages due to 2 years of little work due to covid and being made redundant
Some if the temp jobs the pensions have been very little contribution from employee the bare minimum and I know a lot who opt out as they literally can only afford to live for the here and now

@Mischance

I thought I might get jumped on for saying that being a SAHM is a valuable choice; and that word CHOICE is the important one. Women did not fight for choice for us in order to finish up feeling a "lack of respect from others about your role" as a mother. That is truly very sad.

The idea was that we would be able to have a career on an equal footing with men: not that we would only be valued if we had that career. We do have choice now: we can have a career and choose not to have children; we can have a career and children, using child care while we are out at work; we can choose to work part time, and "mix and match", maybe having the best of both worlds. All are valid choices which once women did not have.

There was nothing in the women's liberation movement that said women SHOULD choose to have a career, or indeed should choose to stay at home. There was nothing that said that women who choose to stay at home should be devalued. It was, as I say, about giving choice. And there was nothing that said that women should drive themselves into the ground trying to do everything. I see around me some very very tired and frantic women - it is very sad. Is this what we fought for?

And there was nothing in my post that was judgemental, although it clearly hit a raw nerve with some.

We have come round in a loop where the fight for choices has become loaded with value judgements; from having no choice, to now being under pressure to have a career or be seen as a lesser being. That cannot be right.

None of my education felt wasted while I was home with the children. I learned a lot from them and they learned a lot from me. It was a two-way traffic. And much of what I learned as a parent could transfer to my career, when I picked it up once more.

It is about valuing women whatever choices they make about career or home or both.

You didn’t get ‘jumped on’. You misquoted a thoughtful and balanced post from a poster who had in fact been a SAHM, in which she set out what she saw as the pros and cons of her decision, and you wrote a very judgmental diatribe about part of her post which you’d taken out of context.

The OP is trying to make the same decision now so clearly a view on the pros and cons from someone who’s been through it may be helpful.

Stop trying to manufacture a bunfight when there isn’t even one there.

I am not interested in fighting with anyone, but I have a view to express which I think it important in this climate when women have lost a real sense of choice, that many fought so very hard for - my mother included. It is deeply sad that the emphasis on giving women the choice to have a career has left them in this terrible bind where they feel uncomfortable about making any other choice - where they feel they are being judged if they do not pursue a career, but choose instead to build their life around making a home.

I apologise unreservedly if my words have caused anyone offence - but I do believe very sincerely that something has gone wrong somewhere, when what was meant to be an opportunity for choice has lead to mothers feeling that there is only one worthwhile direction now. That is very sad. Choosing a career or choosing homemaking and child-rearing should have equal merit and neither should be valued above the other.

It has turned into a situation where women feel bad whatever they do: if they are at home they feel they should be at work; if they are at work, they feel they should be home with the children.

That is not what my mother fought for. I would urge women to do what is right for them and their family and to forget what society thinks they should be doing. Once upon a time society judged women who went out to work as neglecting their families; now women who choose to stay at home with their children feel judged by society for being at work and "wasting" their education.

What triggered my diatribe was the fact that one poster said she felt judged in her role as a SAHM - that is very very sad indeed.