SAHM for five years or so - AIBU?

[Whyisitsowet]

I’m really not enjoying work at all and while there are advantages to my working most of these aren’t immediate - they are things we may benefit from in later life (pension) or when we retire.

Am really considering not going back after maternity leave second time around until school age so five / six years or so.

I can’t work out if sensible or not - what are your experiences?

cons:
-no money
-too much time with kids
-lose sense of self
-drudgery
-lack of respect from others about your role
-have to be very careful you don't become SAHM to your H/P as well as your kids
-pension and financial standing (couldn't get a credit card in my own name shock
-difficulty getting back into work (maybe less tricky as a teacher?)
-boredom and frustration and lack of structure
-have to wait until H gets home to go out in the evening, which is a LOT more significant than you might be imagining now.

Gosh!!

Well it just goes to show how different people can be!

• too much time with kids - I am not even sure I can grasp this concept as I loved being with them!
• Lose sense of self - I am not sure I even understand what that means .... I guess it might apply if you define yourself by your job,
• drudgery - what does this mean? Does it refer to making a happy home?
• lack of respect from others about your role - who are these others? I never experienced such a thing at all!
• boredom and frustration and lack of structure - a SAMP has to create structure - nothing to stop this, if you choose to do so.

- have to wait until H gets home to go out in the evening. That would apply even if children were in nursery.

It makes me sad to read these posts where people see their children as standing in their way, rather than as a joyful episode in their lives. To be honest I think it is about attitude of mind - if you see bringing up children as am important role, on a par with a professional role then there is no problem. If you are locked into the past, into the 60s women's revolution where we struggled to be recognised as equals in the world of work, then you will think negatively. Things have moved on - the struggle was for CHOICE, which we now have as women. We can work and have a career, or be a parent, or do both at different times and in different measure. There was nothing in that fight that said that being a parent is a lesser role.
How sad for these children, being an encumbrance to personal fulfilment. If you choose to make parenthood fulfilling, then it will be.

It makes me sad to read these posts where people see their children as standing in their way, rather than as a joyful episode in their lives. To be honest I think it is about attitude of mind - if you see bringing up children as am important role, on a par with a professional role then there is no problem

JFC. Spiffy for you. Not so much for all women. Those judgypants must really be painful for you they are hoiked up so high.

For those who are still hanging in despite the onslaught: you are not a bad mother if you work FT use nannies and don't like doing finger painting. You are not a bad mother if you are a SAHP and do nothing but fingerpaint and knit your own yoghurt. You are not a bad mother unless you're lighting up the capstans while spoonfeeding puréd skittles to your offspring and dropping fag ash in the bowl. No i lied. That last one is an AWFUL mother. Thank goodness none of us are like that.

You are a most excellent parent if your family has a good discussion about how you will handle parenthood and when and who works outside the home and who works inside the home. And don't let the judgypants among us ruin that for you.

@Whyisitsowet

Oh I totally understand that and I found that incredibly difficult about working FT - in the week I felt like we only saw him when he was hungry and tired and we were hungry and tired and stressed. And then it felt like there was huge pressure to make weekends really quality time. Which they were, to be fair, but it was the pressure of it - I’d get so upset if anything happened that ate into the precious weekend time.

@Mischance

*cons: -no money -too much time with kids -lose sense of self -drudgery -lack of respect from others about your role -have to be very careful you don't become SAHM to your H/P as well as your kids -pension and financial standing (couldn't get a credit card in my own name shock -difficulty getting back into work (maybe less tricky as a teacher?) -boredom and frustration and lack of structure -have to wait until H gets home to go out in the evening, which is a LOT more significant than you might be imagining now.*

Gosh!!

Well it just goes to show how different people can be!

• too much time with kids - I am not even sure I can grasp this concept as I loved being with them!
• Lose sense of self - I am not sure I even understand what that means .... I guess it might apply if you define yourself by your job,
• drudgery - what does this mean? Does it refer to making a happy home?
• lack of respect from others about your role - who are these others? I never experienced such a thing at all!
• boredom and frustration and lack of structure - a SAMP has to create structure - nothing to stop this, if you choose to do so.

- have to wait until H gets home to go out in the evening. That would apply even if children were in nursery.

It makes me sad to read these posts where people see their children as standing in their way, rather than as a joyful episode in their lives. To be honest I think it is about attitude of mind - if you see bringing up children as am important role, on a par with a professional role then there is no problem. If you are locked into the past, into the 60s women's revolution where we struggled to be recognised as equals in the world of work, then you will think negatively. Things have moved on - the struggle was for CHOICE, which we now have as women. We can work and have a career, or be a parent, or do both at different times and in different measure. There was nothing in that fight that said that being a parent is a lesser role.
How sad for these children, being an encumbrance to personal fulfilment. If you choose to make parenthood fulfilling, then it will be.

Mischance if you are going to comment on my post please comment on it in full not just the negative half which you then make judgy comments about.

I am not interested in people who are determinedly untruthful about life and only paint a positive picture of what they do. I made a decision to stay at home with my kids. I struggled. There, I said it. Not everyone is suited to looking after small children even if society makes us feel crap for not being. I think my kids benefited from it - and how DARE you suggest I don't love them or have a good relationship with them; my VERY FIRST SENTENCE said I did - but the cost to me was immense and not to be dismissed by your patronising twaddle and 'sadness'.

The OP asked for honest opinions and that is what I gave, my real life experience. You are out of order.

@Mischance

*cons: -no money -too much time with kids -lose sense of self -drudgery -lack of respect from others about your role -have to be very careful you don't become SAHM to your H/P as well as your kids -pension and financial standing (couldn't get a credit card in my own name shock -difficulty getting back into work (maybe less tricky as a teacher?) -boredom and frustration and lack of structure -have to wait until H gets home to go out in the evening, which is a LOT more significant than you might be imagining now.*

Gosh!!

Well it just goes to show how different people can be!

• too much time with kids - I am not even sure I can grasp this concept as I loved being with them!
• Lose sense of self - I am not sure I even understand what that means .... I guess it might apply if you define yourself by your job,
• drudgery - what does this mean? Does it refer to making a happy home?
• lack of respect from others about your role - who are these others? I never experienced such a thing at all!
• boredom and frustration and lack of structure - a SAMP has to create structure - nothing to stop this, if you choose to do so.

- have to wait until H gets home to go out in the evening. That would apply even if children were in nursery.

It makes me sad to read these posts where people see their children as standing in their way, rather than as a joyful episode in their lives. To be honest I think it is about attitude of mind - if you see bringing up children as am important role, on a par with a professional role then there is no problem. If you are locked into the past, into the 60s women's revolution where we struggled to be recognised as equals in the world of work, then you will think negatively. Things have moved on - the struggle was for CHOICE, which we now have as women. We can work and have a career, or be a parent, or do both at different times and in different measure. There was nothing in that fight that said that being a parent is a lesser role.
How sad for these children, being an encumbrance to personal fulfilment. If you choose to make parenthood fulfilling, then it will be.

The poster you’re quoting, who says she was a SAHM for a while, also gave a long list of ‘pros’ which you’ve conveniently omitted when quoting her. At the top of her list of ‘pros’ is ‘time with the kids’.

Thank you @Chasingaftermidnight.

I think it's not all or nothing. You can quit and, if it turns out that sahm is not for you, go back. Or apply to work part-time and see how it goes. No need to commit to the decision for 5/6 years yet.

I have Mum friends all over the spectrum. Some thought they wanted to return to work but turns out they loved being at home. Others who thought they'd love being a sahm but found they needed what their work brought to their lives.

Good to test the waters before committing if you can, I'd say.

I would definitely have considered this but unfortunately we can't really afford it. I work PT instead (2.5 days per week) which is a good compromise. I'm really enjoying being able to spend a more time with the kids whilst they're small.

My MIL died fairly recently just 18 months after retiring. She had an excellent pension which she barely had a chance to claim. It's definitely changed my view on this stuff - if you've been sensible to date and paid into a public sector pension for two decades, I don't think it's that crazy to stop for 5/6 years. Life is for living.

Ps my experience is that I was lucky to go part-time ten years before I even had kids. I LOVE working part-time, it's awesome for me!

I went back part time 3 days a week after maternity leave. It was the best for our family. I've kept up with new developments in work but still got lots of time with my girls.
When dd2 started school, I went up to 4 days a week. I still have one day off. On that day, I try to keep up-to-date with all the other stuff teachers have to do before or after school, planning, preparing, admin. This is my choice but it makes me feel less guilty about arriving a bit later and leaving a bit earlier on my days in school.
I do this so that I can ferry kids to activities after school etc. Other teachers often think I'm mad to work on my day off but they think nothing of coming 1.5hrs before school starts every day and the same at the other end of the day. I don't. I drop my children off and arrive about 30 minutes before the bell and leave usually by 4. This works for me and I can keep on top of everything.
You need to look at the family finances and work out what is best as a family. I, personally, hated the idea of not providing anything financially towards us even though my DH was earning well. I wanted to make some of my own money too.
The alternative is you look for something else instead of teaching. Our job is hard enough. If you don't love it, it must be extremely difficult. I am lucky in that I do still love it and have never considered doing anything else but it isn't for everyone. You would have lots of transferable skills that would make you a good candidate in a different role. Have that big conversation with your dh and make a plan.

I think it's not all or nothing. You can quit and, if it turns out that sahm is not for you, go back. Or apply to work part-time and see how it goes. No need to commit to the decision for 5/6 years yet.

i also think that people often forget that children grow very fast in the early years, so you need to be open to revisiting your arrangements quite often (at least in the early years, later on it changes relatively organically)

I haven't read the whole thread as I'm sure it's the usual bunfight and judgements. Do what is right for you - from your original post, it sounds as though you have built up a solid pension so far, and if you and your husband are on the same page about it, it works really well.

I had a professional career, big salary and London job, but I also had four children - by the time my 4th came along, I was doing everything badly, so gave up my (paid) job, and became a SAHM - for about 10 years, until my youngest was in Y5 ish. I volunteered during my time at home, including setting up a Free School, and did various PTA/charity type things to keep my brain active and my CV peppered with 'stuff'.

I am now working 2 part time jobs, both of which are very different, both of which I really enjoy, and I get the best of both worlds - being around at the beginning and end of the school day when they need you (even if the teens deny they do - they do!), and also earning some money for myself and saving a little bit. Luckily DH earns very well and has a solid pension life insurance and redundancy package, (and being brutally honest, my inheritance will be quite chunky), so we do have financial security, but it is REALLY important to communicate with each other about the expectations you both have of each other if you give up work.

I do wish that I have more in my pension pot, and there are days when you just want to throw something at the wall and ask yourself what on earth you thought you were doing - BUT they are with you for such a short time (my eldest just turned 18 and I don't feel that it's been 18 years since he arrived!), so if you have the opportunity, then I would take it.

If you can afford it - do it! Having a parent at home during formative years in my mind really is what being a parent is.

I'm just about to do the same. My mat leave ends soon and I'm not returning for at least 2 years.
I say do it. You wouldnt regret spending that time with your little ones.

@twinsetandpearl

To be honest your husband gets the final say - he's the one who would be taking on the financially responsibility of being the sole earner. I do find it odd that the often crippling responsibility and pressure of being the primary sole earner is so easily overlooked on MN (I'm a mum of 3 and I'm the main earner so perhaps I see things from a different perspective). If my husband who regularly says he hates his job said he'd like to be a STAHP (which would be cheaper as he earns less than our childcare some months) I'd take a dim view of it to be honest

If it would be cheaper then it would make sense so why would you take a dim view of it?

I used to be a teacher. Took 3 years out after my 2nd DC was born as we moved abroad for DHs job. Got a part time job easily when I got back. If you've already got 20 years in a TPS I don't think taking a couple of years out would be too harmful.

Having a parent at home during formative years in my mind really is what being a parent is.

it is apparently about what being a mother is since I am seeing conversations by men falling over themselves wanting to do it.

@ThePlantsitter but everyone is different
I think its peoples attitudes nowadays to sahm ( you see it on here a lot) than can make people feel less important if a sahm
For me for that aspect I didn't care as my kids were all that matters not others opinions, I wouldn't criticise someone who puts their kids in nursery all day as if thats what is right for them then so be it
I loved being a sahm and we def had structure as we attended many toddler groups and get togethers so our days were busy
My dh never took me for granted and although i did more of the household chores as was home more he did a fair share and also really got to spend quality time with the kids as well and I got plenty of free time to
The op seems to want fo be home , isn't enjoying work so why not if they can afford it, you won' know until your try it

For me the biggest. factor would be how my husband/partner would see the financial. situation.

Is it really a shared one or a. "I am the money earner and you have have every spending approved"? Could you pay into a pension privately to cover the 5 year loss?

Are you able to pay for a serious illness cover and life insurance for your DH?

There’s always some extreme examples on these threads - some people don’t seem to be able to be happy unless they can put others down. Interestingly it’s often those who seem to think WoHM are unfeeling

Part time is a good option OP, if it doesn’t work then you can rethink. Good luck.

@Brefugee my dh always said he would of done it but as he was the bigger wage earner we couldn't afford for him to stay home
In general many men will be the bigger earner , although that is slowly changing and maybe why we see more sahd
But in reality there are lots of parents doing a bit of both, both mum and dad work opposite shifts so the other one can cover the childcare as one salary is not often enough for many to live off , which is a shame

Also on these threads people talk about pensions for many of us we may not even have a pension or such a low paid one that a few years out will make no difference

I’m one who thought I’d return to teaching but didn’t yet. DD is coming up to 2, I’m thinking of registering for supply work on set days come September, then looking at returning either part time (I know I might not be so lucky as the PT jobs are rarer than hens teeth) or full time next year.

What’s complicating it a bit is that I’ve started some freelance work in a field I used to work in pre- teaching. I’ve totally fallen on my feet with it in that it was a relative with their own business that asked me to do a bit for them, and that led to a few other contacts and so I now work roughly equivalent to 2 days a week doing that. She has one day with a childminder and I fit the rest in evenings, a couple of hours with her grandparents if they offer, weekends when DH is off etc. It works well but is a bit of a feast or famine situation where I never quite know where I’m up to or how much work I’ll have.

Anyway the point is there may be an in between point somewhere, I know I was lucky to get an opportunity to do something different and more flexible for a while, and that DH can cover the bills and essentials if I didn’t make much one month (and is totally happy to). But I do think if you take the leap you might either love it and be happy with your choice, or perhaps find something else that works better for you somewhere between SAHM and full time teaching.

We had a discussion about how it would work, how everything else would be divided etc. I’m happy to take on the majority of the domestic stuff since I’m at home the most, but DH knows not to take the piss - I told him I’m staying home to raise our daughter not be his personal maid and he knows not to expect a perfectly tidy house and me work a full face of make up and dinner on the table when he gets home (I think he’d die of shock to be honest). We work as a team and he will cook dinner or stick a wash on or run the hoover round etc, but I definitely do I’ve also become the default parent with all the mental load in terms of DD. Sometimes this is frustrating but overall I have to admit I want it this way. I’m her primary carer and I want to be the one who decides a lot of this stuff. He does loads with her and is a brilliant, involved dad but it’s certainly not 50/50 the way that is held up as ideal on here often. I know I’m supposed to see that as a bad thing but it works for us. You would have to be honest with yourself and each other about how that would work in your situation/ family.

my dh always said he would of done it but as he was the bigger wage earner we couldn't afford for him to stay home

well that's a whole other discussion. But they need to start doing it. Or nothing will change.

It's a pity the thread descended into some of the usual shitshow. Because these discussions are useful to so many people.

The pension thing: ok if you think you will have a too small pension - what are you doing to save for your retirement/future? What will you do as a SAHP to be sure not to be left penniless. Especially if something disastrous happens?

[quote worriedatthistime]@ThePlantsitter but everyone is different
I think its peoples attitudes nowadays to sahm ( you see it on here a lot) than can make people feel less important if a sahm
For me for that aspect I didn't care as my kids were all that matters not others opinions, I wouldn't criticise someone who puts their kids in nursery all day as if thats what is right for them then so be it
I loved being a sahm and we def had structure as we attended many toddler groups and get togethers so our days were busy
My dh never took me for granted and although i did more of the household chores as was home more he did a fair share and also really got to spend quality time with the kids as well and I got plenty of free time to
The op seems to want fo be home , isn't enjoying work so why not if they can afford it, you won' know until your try it[/quote]
I completely agree with you that everyone is different @worriedatthistime. I certainly didn't say OP shouldn't do it and I think people should live as they choose without judging other people or feeling sad for their children. I just said I wouldn't make that choice again, and I wouldn't. I was simply adding my experience (of the pros as well as the cons) as more evidence for her decision making.