SAHM for five years or so - AIBU?

[Whyisitsowet]

I’m really not enjoying work at all and while there are advantages to my working most of these aren’t immediate - they are things we may benefit from in later life (pension) or when we retire.

Am really considering not going back after maternity leave second time around until school age so five / six years or so.

I can’t work out if sensible or not - what are your experiences?

Your posts read very defensive Mischance. I don’t think anyone has said women shouldn’t have a choice or judged anyone for choosing different. Theplantsitter offered a balanced post of her own experiences. Certainly no comment on the entire concept of stay at home parenting. Are you perhaps being defensive because you’ve been judged elsewhere?

@Swayingpalmtrees

bringiton What a shame you don't enjoy motherhood, and could only list the negatives. Shame for your children too, no doubt they are happier elsewhere than with a depressed, empty vassal as you describe yourself so eloquently. I wonder why you choose to have so many children if was such a negative experience? I would have stopped at one hating home life as much as you clearly do. Odd to have three given your feelings.

This is quite a mean post. I am not sure why you're so triggered. She didnt say she didnt enjoy motherhood. She didnt enjoy being a SAHM. I love motherhood but maternity leave was enough to tell me I could never be a SAHM. That doesnt mean for others it isn't great but I feel a bit more like bringiton. I totally see the value in a SAHP - it would just likely be my husband not me if we decided to go down that route. There is nothing wrong with that. Bringiton's post, as I read it, was more a warning that it isnt always as good as it sounds with her own experience demonstrating how the OP could feel.

It's really sad that the two women who are really banging the SAHM drum have either a) insulted mums and said they're damaging their children like @Swayingpalmtrees or b) selectively quoted other posters like @Mischance did in order to make a point.

Many of us have done both. I thought @ThePlantsitter's post was excellent because it clearly laid out what she felt were the pros and cons.

We no longer live in a world where women have to make a choice between children or a career. Many of us have both. There are sacrifices and compromises made in each. What I want to see is a world where women support one another to make the best choice for them. And that does include making some very honest assessments of whether your career will survive, whether your marriage will survive and how good your relationship is.

In years gone by, men didn't leave their wives. They had affairs but they carried on supporting their family. Relying on that to happen now is dangerous.

I think as a teacher you’d likely walk straight back into a job afterwards, possibly after a bit of supply to get back up to speed. Unless you’re in somewhere like Cornwall or the Scottish islands where there are more teachers than jobs. The teacher recruitment and retention crisis is going to keep getting worse. If it works for your family, do it.

I took time out when my kids where young as did one of my sisters. I had some income from existing business. I didn't experience loss of self - I know who I am. Parts of it were boring, parts were fun.

It was much less stressful than trying to work and parent small children at the same time.

It depends what subject and area you are in as to whether this matters. If in a core subject and an area with shortages or the willingness to return to tough schools then you can get back even if you need to do some supply first. No need to do nothing, join governors and see what else is around to pad the cv.

Is going back part time or on a job share a possibility ?
If you are a teacher then hopefully as a professional it will be easier to return to work at the same level although it will impact pension and career progression.
If you enjoy spending time with your DC and doing toddler groups and activities it's a really lovely time but can also sometimes be draining and exhausting being with them 24/7.
There are pros and cons only you and DH can decide what's best for your family.
You're not mad to consider it but go in with your eyes open.
Ensure all money is family money and you have equal access. I.e joint bank account DH salary is paid into.
The other thing is, if DH gets used to you being a SAHM and doing most/ all of childcare and housework , when you do return to work it can be rude awakening for DH that they suddenly have to consider school runs, child being off sick, etc and it can be a bumpy readjustment period

You haven't said how old the children are. So your second is under 1 presumably since you are on mat leave but your eldest? Could you get away with breakfast and after school club for your eldest or are they not school age? Ultimately I'd say the choice lies with your dh and whether he is willing to shoulder the quote financial burden of your family. You seem reluctant to consider any kind of part time working too.

I'd also consider things like will your finances still be joint despite you being a sahm, if they are already? Or would you have an allowance that you'd have to manage. If you had an allowance what would it cover, by that I mean just your own expenses such as clothes, makeup, hair appointments, car, mobile, any debts you may have, presents for your side of the family, meals out with friends? Or would it also include things related to the children too? What would it look like in terms of doing the housework, cooking etc. as the sahp would you be doing the bulk of it and are you OK with that? What about the childcare, would you expect it to be 50: 50 once he got home? Who would do night wake ups with the baby?

A lot to think about and I would have a more in depth discussion and see how you both feel and what would work for your family.

Thanks, all.

The trouble is I really am just despising my job at the moment and that’s getting me down (not currently on maternity leave, sorry that wasn’t clear.) I realise in part that’s clouding my thoughts but I have had a horrendous day today and it’s really getting me down.

Sorry to hear it's so shitty OP

I have a few friends who are teachers and it just looks horrendous. One of them walked away from it permanently last year and hasn't looked back.

I really don't think stepping away sounds like the worst idea in your circumstances. It will probably come down to how supportive and understanding your DH is. I said earlier in the thread to do it and not read anything that changes my vote!