SAHM for five years or so - AIBU?

[Whyisitsowet]

I’m really not enjoying work at all and while there are advantages to my working most of these aren’t immediate - they are things we may benefit from in later life (pension) or when we retire.

Am really considering not going back after maternity leave second time around until school age so five / six years or so.

I can’t work out if sensible or not - what are your experiences?

[quote Whyisitsowet]@Elpheba that’s definitely a problem and a similar thing happened to me. I returned FT because there weren’t PT ones available. And I do wonder if it’s that which is killing me. The problem is I’m just not enjoying it at all and that makes dropping off at nursery so hard.[/quote]
I think it's impossible to work FT and have a young family. I don't know how anyone does it! Obviously lots of people do but I returned 4 days a week after first mat leave and it killed me. My DH brilliant and does as much parenting as I do. I was able to move to 3 days a week and it made s HUGE difference!

You need to think very carefully about how it will work for you and your family. I was a SAHM for 12 years ... at the time my DH earned a good salary, those 12 years were very comfortable for me, I had plenty of time to follow my own interests, do volunteering etc. We had a joint bank account and there was no question of me having 'to ask' to spend money or anything like that. I also made sure I kept my NI up to date for my pension.

However, it was hard to return to work when I wanted to, our financial situation changed (2007 recession) and although I found a job I love it pays about a third less than I was earning 25 years ago ... not even allowing for inflation!!) But I guess being a teacher you wouldn't have that problem.

And, hate to say this ... but what if your marriage breaks down?

Also don't fall into the trap of doing all the housework and childcare, is your DH definitely the sort of man who pulls his weight? My DH loved being a Dad and never assumed I would be doing the bulk of the 'housewife and childcare stuff'. He fully appreciated that I needed time, space to do my own thing at weekends, evenings etc.

Is there a compromise? Part time teaching, tutoring etc?

Spending more time with your children is a no brainer. I had two years off and concentrated on my child. It was the best thing I could have done for both of us. I dedicated those two years to her and only her.

I’ve been a sahm for five years. Before having our children I had a job in middle management with a good salary. Our plan was for me to have a year off on maternity leave then go back full time. I didn’t! Fortunately my husband was promoted while I was on maternity leave and after weighing up nursery costs (twins) we decided to see if we could manage on one salary. We did and it was fine, to be honest I think it would had been a real struggle going back to work, my job was very high pressured and often included working late (which would had been a problem with nursery hours). We have no family living near by and my husband often has to work away so it just made sense for me not to go back. Now my children are at school I am looking at going back to work but in a totally different field and am considering re-training (looking into teaching!)

I’m usually quite pro keep working but in your shoes I don’t think the risk is that great. You are married so have safety net if he dies or leaves. You are in an always in demand career, you don’t need to keep on top of registration or cpd etc like some jobs.
Obviously loss of pension, loss of career progression (scenario often is you end up working for less money in 5 years time meanwhile he’s on a lot more as he’s been able to work unhindered) and risk you become default carer making it harder to work when they are school age. Your return to work will be easier as you have all school hols off.
Not sure what you teach but tutoring can pay well and could fit around life now and keep hand in.

Well it of course depends on your husbands POV as well. If it's something that everyone is on board and happy with then I would.

I'm currently a very PT working Mum. As in a few hours a week work and not because I have to but just because I'd be bored otherwise and wanted DC in nursery for some socialisation (and a break ha).

But I'm really happy with it. I worked in law before. It was high pressure, high stress and not really complimentary to family life. I know it's very sensible to think of your pension, your career progression and all the rest of it but honestly the thing that kept just repeating in my head was my baby / babies will only be small once and to be given the chance of spending so much time with them for this precious and quickly changing period of their lives was worth it to me.

Don't get me wrong it's mind numbingly boring some days and hard but I personally don't regret it.

You need to he okay financially though. I would hate to do it but be scraping by every month because of it. We're very fortunate that DH earns very well and loves his job (self employed) so we aren't under financial stress with me being out of work and he openly says there is no way he'd be able to stay at home with DC so there is no jealously!

Oh and be confident your husband wouldn't use it against you or be "this is MY money" etc..

We pay bills from joint accounts but we also have individual accounts for spending and he splits his disposable in half and sends one half to me so we have exactly the same amount of money.

I was lucky to move into the area where I live when it was possible to afford the mortgage on one middle management salary. House prices have risen x6, but DH's salary hasn't. My close friends from then are still close 20 years later, and we've all gone back into work after, on average, six years as a SAHM. It's the best thing I could have done, and I have sympathy for parents who don't have the choice to be at home. It was difficult financially. I didn't buy tat, and my DC, now in their early 20s, continue to be cheap to entertain!

On the teaching front, all the primary school teachers I knew took time out, and then returned either part-time or as a TA. One is still a TA, another is her previous school's go-to for maternity/ill health cover, one is back in primary full-time and the other is head of a state nursery school.

Spending more time with your children is a no brainer.

for you. For me? not so much. SAHM was never my plan beyond around 6 months. Circs, beyond our control, changed and i was home for 3 years in the end. it only became clear when 2nd DC arrived 18 months after the first (planned due to the circs, since we wanted 2) and my PND started that it became clear that it was good for none of us.

I’m out the other side of this now. I was the only FT working Mum when my DC were little. Because my DH had some issues which meant I had to be the main earner. He also didn’t want to be a SAHP so my DC had full time nursery/childminders.

The preschool years are short and I tried my hardest to be as present a parent outside of working hours. I felt guilt, exacerbated by some of the horrible things other women said to me when they learned I worked FT with young kids. I am absolutely thrilled I did it now though, and the pension is one of the lower down the list reasons.

1. I have progressed in my career and now both DC are in full time school we are much better off than I would be if I was trying to get back into work, lower down the ladder.

1. My DH and I are both on an equal footing career-wise and are both used to school drop offs/pick ups. Looking after DC when ill etc… One of our jobs is not too important to dictate that the other needs to work a term time only, school hours only role.

1. If DH leaves me then I am financially secure. Some of my friends are starting to split up now and some of these women are totally screwed financially. This is so so so important. No one can assume their marriage is going to last forever.

1. My DH is a 50-50 parent and contributes equally to the housework/admin because he always has had to.

I was a teacher too, HoD. I stayed home for 3 years after dd was born during which time I also had D's so stayed home a further year. I found no problems at all going back first part time for 2 years then full time when D's started school. They grow up so quickly and I didn't want to miss anything. DH earned enough for me to stay home plus I saved up for 2 years before I got pregnant so I would still have some of my own money. Pension took a bit of a knock but still good. I really enjoyed time home with children we lived rurally and we went out walking or to park or to see horses in a field near to us everyday even if it was raining. We baked, painted and did messy craft and I taught both children to read fluently and to write, and did number work before they started school. I have wonderful memories of our special time and kids grown up now but remember the things we did too and say they had lovely childhoods. I also looked after a friend's son 1 morning a week for 6 months too during this time once dd was at school. I have never regretted my choice.

I did it - they were the happiest years of my life and I felt it gave my children a really good start in life. We had lots of fun together.

No problems getting back into my career (social work) and only a small loss of pension.

I did it for a while.

pros:
-time with kids was fun
-time with kids really means they know me and that relationship makes it easier to get them to do what I want now they're older (I know that's controversial but it's true)
-zero stress about sick days, school pickup and events etc
-not having to be bossed about by work
-freedom to go places whenever you want

cons:
-no money
-too much time with kids
-lose sense of self
-drudgery
-lack of respect from others about your role
-have to be very careful you don't become SAHM to your H/P as well as your kids
-pension and financial standing (couldn't get a credit card in my own name
-difficulty getting back into work (maybe less tricky as a teacher?)
-boredom and frustration and lack of structure
-have to wait until H gets home to go out in the evening, which is a LOT more significant than you might be imagining now.

On balance I wouldn't do it again given the choice.

The main things for SAHPs are access to money and attitudes to spending by both people. And then housework/life admin.

On return to work the housework/life admin dividing can cause issues if someone hasn't had to do much for many years. Dh admitted years ago that he loved not having to do housework as he hates it but loves cooking and has always done all the weekend meals. However, we are a team and he steps into anything needed without complaint.

I was a SAHM and have only worked very part time since - I bloody loved it and have no interest in a career as I find full time working incredibly stressful and draining. Fortunately OH earns well although he's now seen the light too and realised working is shit and is planning on going part time in a few years.

This is really interesting how different opinions are. Most of the people I know who gave up work are now at the point where they are really struggling with loss of identity and confidence so trying to go back to work has been very hard for them. Obviously not the case for everyone!

I stopped work for 4 years after no.2 was born. I knew I couldn't manage it all if I didn't. Money was tighter - but we knew we couldn't have afforded childcare for 2 kids anyway.
It de-stressed us no end. No rush to get the kids to day care before work and then no stress to collect in time in the evening.
I cooked every evening so we saved on the occasional take away.
And it's true what they say- these young years are so special. Priceless to be able to be at home with them.
Plus - you might absolutely hate it- if so - you find something else. But if you never try it - you'll never know.
Xx
I actually found being a SAHM more hard work than actually working outside of the home - but I'm so glad I did it. X

If I were you I would just do a flexible working application and reduce your working hours right down to, say, 2 days a week if you need to. I wouldn’t quit altogether because I would find the insecurity of having no job really stressful.

Retired teacher here. FT teaching is tough. It isn't 9.00 to 5.00 it takes over your evenings and impacts your weekends. If you could negotiate PT you might enjoy it and would make for cheaper childcare. I did PT for a year before I retired. It was a revelation. I used a weekday at home to do paperwork leaving weekends and most evenings free. I also sometimes was able to book holidays a few days in advance of school holidays which, with 4 people, does help a bit with costs. Keeping PT going until school age also keeps more career options open than staying at home full time

If it is financially viable and you don't have a career that will suffer from an absence then go for it.

I became a sahm after my maternity pay finished after 2nd, I was made redundant when pregnant so would have been job hunting. I was pregnant with 3rd too so not the most desirable for potential employers. I didn't love what I did, I was good at it but just kind of fell in to the career path when I wasn't sure what I wanted to do after school which made it a much easier decision. I've been sahm for 11 years now so would retrain and start fresh if I did return to working once kids are all at school and dh retires from his career that has him working away most of the time.

I did it OP and don't regret it at all, but my situation was as follows:

Very generous offer from work that a job would be available at the end of five years.

Just about doable on my partner's salary.

Very clear between partner and me that we were a partnership, and financially equal (ie his earnings came to both of us).

Got involved with lots of stuff to give me things to do that were more than "just" being a sahp. Set up a charity, lots of volunteering using skills from my career, a few hours of paid work once the kids were at pre-school.

When I went back to work full time my partner took a career break for a few months which was great for the family and great for him to realize how tough it can be. As a result, now we both work full time and domestic matters are split very equly between us.

I realize I was fortunate to be in this situation, but all of the above made it worth it and minimized the disadvantage. I did get back into my career and found ambition I just didn't have when my children were younger.

What age group do you teach? One of y friends had flagging motivation as she reached retirement age and got a part time contract teaching maths in a F.E. college, she also picked up some tutoring before retiring altogether in her late 60's. I did some teaching for a short while in an F.E. College too - part time courses for graduates in industry - I really enjoyed that.
I know of someone who trains teaching assistants and enjoys it, another possibility?

There’s no right or wrong answer at all because it depends entirely on circumstances and lots of other people on the thread have outlined various considerations to take into account.

A couple of things I’d say:

1. Obviously finances play a huge part in this decision and only you know the numbers and can do the maths, but we are facing a massive cost of living crisis which will get worse over the course of this year and will very likely lead to a recession. I appreciate that your job is super stressful but it is also very recession-proof - is your husband’s similarly recession-proof? If he’s in an industry that’s very vulnerable to economic downturns then that might be something to consider. How easily could you find a job again if you desperately needed to? (Probably easily I expect).

1. I thought I hated working while being a parent but it turned out that I actually hated working FT while being a parent. In my experience there’s a world of difference in terms of stress and pressure between being FT and PT. I know you say there are no PT jobs available but could you put in a flexible working request and try PT before giving up altogether? Then you’d keep your pension etc.

1. Finally, how old are your children? The reason I ask is that I have a toddler who’s 2 years 8 months. I love him but he’s absolutely peak terrible twos and it can be very challenging. I do find solo time with him much more exhausting and draining than when he was 12-24 months old, and I do need a break sometimes. What I’m saying is, I think if I’d given up work when he was a super cute, easy 16 month old, I might be regretting it now. That probably makes me an awful mother but I’m just being honest.

Thanks so much: lots to think about.

So to give a fuller picture, I’ll definitely consider PT but the problem with this is that it doesn’t give us the flexibility we’d ideally want with preschool children to holiday outside of school holidays. The other problem, which is bigger, is my school are a bit awkward with PT. They give you a day but anything more than a day is in afternoons or mornings. So for example, if I reduced my hours to three days a week, I would have something like off Tuesday, off Wednesday afternoon, off Friday morning, which is good with school aged kids but not with preschool.

I also find the emotional sort of headspace hard.

DH does earn well - £80,000 and I have a property from before I met him which provides a small income from rent.

I’d be reluctant to do tutoring, I don’t really enjoy it much.

References being outdated is a worry.

I’m probably best staying part time and maybe trying to reduce to two days a week, not sure if they’ll let me but can only ask!

@Chasingaftermidnight I don’t think you’re an awful mother, mine EXHAUSTS me. However, I find dealing with him as well as a FT job more tiring somehow, he’s definitely better when we’re out of the house so I can structure the days around this. As it is I currently have him at his most difficult ‘witching hour.’