SAHM for five years or so - AIBU?

[Whyisitsowet]

I’m really not enjoying work at all and while there are advantages to my working most of these aren’t immediate - they are things we may benefit from in later life (pension) or when we retire.

Am really considering not going back after maternity leave second time around until school age so five / six years or so.

I can’t work out if sensible or not - what are your experiences?

Make sure you sort out how money would work first. I left a great career to be a SAHM. My youngest started school last summer which coincided with us starting a new business which I now work full time in. I'd focus on the here and now rather than look too far ahead as plans change. Good luck

I would go part time rather than give up completely.

Personally, if you can stomach going back, I would suggest to go back when little one is small and then become a SAHP when little one starts school.

If you can go back part time (3 or 4 days a week). Not sure if that’s even an option in teaching. Nurseries are great for working parents and a good one will prepare your child well for school.

Reception and early years is where being a SAHP really adds value for your child and family. You can pick up from school, do reading, homework, fun stuff, become involved in school life. Could you do tutoring in the evenings or weekends, or short stints as a supply teacher to bring in some money and top up your pension?

Then go back to teaching when little one is say year 4. Can better tolerate after school club by then. Maybe you’ll have made some friends that could have them once a week after school.

My plan doesn’t get you the term time holidays though!

I have just returned to the world of work now that DS2 has started school. My husband has been great with money and pulling his weight with the DCs but I feel I potentially could have made myself very vulnerable. I have seen other SAHMs become financially trapped with husbands who only became abusive once thier wives were tied to the home. Despite having free access to all of DH's wage, nothing feels as good as seeing money I have earned myself in the bank.

Finding work again has been tough, most places I applied to ignored me. I've had no luck finding anything in my original field but that doesn't bother me as I didn't enjoy my career pre DCs. A couple of SAHM friends really lost so much of thier confidence and sense of identity once thier children started school.

All that being said I wouldn't go back and change things, the time I spent with my children was precious but I do consider myself very lucky that things have worked out.

You don't sound like you enjoy teaching anymore. Maybe take the few years off and retrain in something else at the same time? Could get into IT, accountancy, etc. Or you could go back into teaching once your kids are in school.

I was a SAHM for 9 years and did not have the confidence to go back to my original career (very male dominated at the time and maternity allowances were less than now ) so I retrained. I loved being at home with my children when they were young and although I missed out in a career I loved it was right for me.
As a teacher you might consider your pension, as a break will probably mean you will start the new pension scheme, which I believe is less generous. Would your school consider you going back part time, maybe even only for 1 day to keep this going plus it means you will keep up with any new professional development?
Good luck with your decision, I know it‘s not easy. Throughout my first pregnancy I thought that I would go back to the career I loved but I have no regrets that I didn’t and had those precious first few years with my boys at home and however tight money was, it was worth it. I was also lucky that I loved my 2nd career.

I also loved being a sahm and was for about 3/4 years when youngest was 3 i went and got a part time evening job
Could you go part time or do tutoring?
When i went back to work after 4/5 years I started at bottom again bit soon worked my way into a similar job I had before
Teachers i can't see there being a surplus off in the next few years

I don't know why it is considered a sin to want to look after and spend some time with your own children op! Yes pension top ups and extra money for tat you don't actually need is all well and good, but the ability to enjoy the children you have is to me worth more than anything else in the world.
I would be surprised if your dh objected given you have created and carried your children for 18 months, have endured two labours and a body that will never be the same. Wanting to spend some time with them when they are small is hardly a massive ask after that! My dh would get short shrift from me if he had objected given everything I have done for our family unit.
Caring for children is also hard work and a job in itself, raising them in decent loving human beings has huge value, and is constantly ignored on here sometimes.

I'm a teacher and I've gone part time after my first maternity leave and left after my second. I now run my own business but you can supplement your income with tutoring really well when you have QTS. Either online or in person, so if the money turns out a bit short you have this fall back on. I guess it depends on your subject though?

@twinsetandpearl why being a sahp is a job all in its self
As a partnership myself and dh support each other and he never see me as taking the piss as staying at home and looking after our children is a full time job
Then years later when he wanted to go self employer I became the main earner to support his dream for a while
Its all about working together
Neither of us wanted our kids in nursery being no better off financially
Plus I did most of the home things do dh could just enjoy the kids and relax after a stressfull days work

The reason people aren't that enthusiastic about sahms on here is because it makes you extremely financially vulnerable. Obviously most men don't turn out to be arseholes but a large number do. If you haven't worked for 5 years, or 10, it's hard to get back the earning power you once had.

It's got sod all to do with the valuable role of raising children

That said OP, teaching is probably a better profession than most to take time out from.

They still need you when at school and the best way to get PT is to already be in a job.

If you go back to work sooner than that how much will childcare cost and how much will you and your children benefit from the experience ? If you don't go back until your DC are at school
Can you undertake online training to keep your skills, knowledge and understanding of innovation in your sector up to date and therefore prevent you from having to accept a less senior role ? How does your partner feel about your choice ?

I've worked p/t with a baby, SAHM with young kids, a student with 3 kids and f/t (now) with 3 kids.

I wouldn't stay at home if you paid me. I fell into depression. I didn't cope well with the relentlessness of young kids, tantrums, nappies, incessant demands...the grind of housework and laundry and shopping, the rhyme times and the soft play etc....I hated never having time off; even on a major London commute I felt like I had more balance in my life.

My husband is a high earner and I didn't have to go back to work once my youngest started school. But I needed to. My life was as the above but without the little kid moments of fun...I felt like an unpaid slave.

Now in a different career, f/t and love it. It's demanding, stressful and tiring. But I am good at my job and I am respected and valued. I am someone else other than someone filling their days with mundane tasks or going to the gym. we outsource stuff that I hate - cleaning, laundry, changing beds...as well as stuff I quite like but have no time to do daily ...dog walking...get someone to help with the pick ups and drop offs...eat a lot of ready meals and yellow food....and I am much, much happier. The school stuff and home stuff have to be divided between me and my husband. I feel as though I am in an equal partnership rather than me doing everything, feeling put upon and resentful as well as bored, exhausted and empty. The grass is certainly not greener - it's often barren!

No one is talking about 10 years though clymene and if you are having children with someone that is likely to abuse you financially or otherwise then that is the problem no?

Women should be able to take a few years out to spend time with their children if they want to and have planned their finances accordingly, rather than paying someone else sky high rates to look after them instead. For low earners that is utter madness - just for a two bit pension and a foot hold. The loss obviously far outweighs any mediocre gains.

Many/most people I imagine are in stable marriages with decent loving husbands should not feel scared and forced back into work, with some imaginary fear that they will lose everything if they dare to stop for a while. Those that are married are entitled to half the assets in the worst case. Adding to qualifications or retraining might be an opportunity too.

A teaching career offers huge flexibility and a great set up for op to return in a heartbeat if she wants/needs to.

I wouldn’t take too much time off but it depends how old you are.

I took five years out of teaching and tried to go back and found it hard as my references were out of date (previous headteachers retired etc.) The agencies found me supply work but it wasn’t as easy as you might think. However I am probably older than you as my dc are teenagers. Also in my area there has been a mass reorganisation and lots of redundancies.

I would say it’s a risk but if you plan to take 2-3 years off and you are still relatively young, then you might be able to pick your career back up.

I think you really need to have a serious discussion with your Husband and talk about it together. Just dreaming about "wouldn't it be nice" doesn't really let you know his thoughts on it. Ultimately, it's down to both of you to make the decision, being a SAHP only works if both parties are on board. It isn't fair to make one person fully responsible for the family financially if they're not comfortable with it, it can create a lot of stress and resentment so you need to find out where he stands. If he doesn't feel he can afford for you to stay at home, there isn't much point fantasising about it. You can of course look at different jobs etc if it's the job you hate.

Fwiw, my Son is 11 months and I was due back at work this month, I had really been looking forward to going back. My Partner was happy if I wanted to be a SAHM but I didn't, not full time. I was going back to work part time. However, when our Son was 6 months I found out I was pregnant with my second and I'm due in a few months so I'm now no longer going back because I'd be due off again in 2/3 months anyway and 2 lots of private nursery fees full time aren't worth it for us. My Partner works away from home so he's away 2/3 weeks at a time (then home for the same amount of time) but when he's away it's hard. I love being at home with my Son but honestly, I miss the part of my life where I got to go to work and socialise and be my own person for a while. The difference obviously is I enjoyed my job but it's definitely worth thinking about and being 100% sure it's what you want to do

Most teachers I know work part time, it's not really a career that works well with young kids. Apparently 2 days seems to be the sweet spot. Possibly worth an honest chat with the school saying it's part time or nothing?

Don't know if it's an option in the UK but here in Ireland secondary teachers can jobshare assuming they're permanent. If you're doing 22 hours a week, you can do 6, for example, as long as the school can find someone to do the other 16. It means you keep your permanent job.
I would be extremely wary about giving up work, to be honest, for most of the reasons already given. I was never a deliberate sahp but due to a couple of moves we made, my work record was interrupted. It means I should be a point 19 on the scale but I'm on 15 here in ROI. It also means I have more years to work to get my full pension. I definitely wouldn't just dismiss these things. State pensions alone are shit. Plus, what would happen if you're suddenly a single parent? Financial independence is really important.

I don't know why it is considered a sin to want to look after and spend some time with your own children op!

Since nobody actually says that it must all be in your head.

Yes pension top ups

The thing is that when you are young and not scrabbling round to afford heating and/or eating when your 60+ it is easy to think that a pension isn't something worth mentioning. But if you ask women here, especially the ones who have been so badly treated (WASPI) then you might think differently.

extra money for tat you don't actually need is all well and good, but the ability to enjoy the children you have is to me worth more than anything else in the world.

I have yet to fathom why seemingly everyone thinks that as soon as basic needs have been met, mumsnetters immediately buy tat? I don't buy tat and never have. I think some things are tat that others love and want. And vice versa.

And, frankly, i was a SAHP for a while, it drove me bonkers. I couldn't wait to get back to work and it was the best thing for my family.

That is how these things should be judged: what is good for the family, and how will possibly unforseen but horribly regular disasters be handled?

I think I would try it if I were you. You don't have to commit to being off for 5-6 years, just take it year by year to see how you get on financially and mentally.

Also, would you consider tutoring a few hours a week? That you could do in the evenings or weekends when your DH (might) be home to look after the kids so it doesn't incur any childcare costs. That way you are also making a bit of money and it would lessen the burden on your DH if that is a concern.

Hi, I'm a teacher on mat leave with similar thoughts to you. I'm going back 4 days a week with slightly later starts. My main concern is childcare logistics etc. Could you apply for a career break if 3 or 5 years then you can return to work. I'm considering this option further future. I also have two young children and childcare will be v costly.

I haven’t RTWT but I have posted about a similar thing before under a different name. Lots of people were saying hang in there as when the kids gets older you’ll regret leaving career etc. which is totally valid and yes you need to protect yourself for future. But. Ive worked part time to full time over the years in my (stressful) profession (my DCs are 5&8) and it has been bloody hard. If we’d had the money to I would have been off as a SAHM without a second thought. Having said that we’ve had the money to save and go on wonderful trips and my kids get to do v cool clubs etc. I’m still ploughing on with work despite having meltdowns every so often. Teaching would be easy enough to get back into compared to other professions. You’ll never get the time back.

If you are preparing to stay at home put a plan in place for yourself by studying while at home.

Do a degree.

It is very difficult to find decent work when you've had a break.

The winners in these situations are the ones who prepare to bounce back better once the DC start schools.