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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don’t wait til the last minute on a Sunday to leave

290 replies

Dingalingdong · 03/04/2022 12:10

Single friend has come to stay. We have two young kids. Known him for a long time, always been a bit tight (sometimes out of necessity, sometimes out of general tightness) but we do get on well.

Anyway he arrived at 10pm on Friday (before drinking his way through quite a lot including the bottle he brought) and crashing. Since then it’s been two full english breakfasts, a roast, dinner out and now a trip to the pub. And he’s not leaving until gone 6pm tonight.

So the question is what time would you tend to leave on a Sunday when staying with other people? And isn’t it hilarious that he doesn’t really understand when a nice time has been had but when to bow out so we can get organised for the week, especially considering he prides himself on his ‘manners’…

OP posts:
RedskyThisNight · 03/04/2022 13:34

I would expect by 5/6pm. Like some PPs, If a guest is coming for the weekend, I feel shortchanged if they don't stay for a good proportion of Sunday!

However, if you want him gone, you should tell him. Or at minimum make it clear that you won't be "entertaining" him in the afternoon as you need to sort the children.

unim · 03/04/2022 13:35

@RedskyThisNight

I would expect by 5/6pm. Like some PPs, If a guest is coming for the weekend, I feel shortchanged if they don't stay for a good proportion of Sunday!

However, if you want him gone, you should tell him. Or at minimum make it clear that you won't be "entertaining" him in the afternoon as you need to sort the children.

Actually, me too! I'd feel a bit disappointed!
TeddyTonks · 03/04/2022 13:38

Conversely, I find it very odd when people we've not seen for ages travel to see us and then leave early. Everyone is different. You need to communicate.

SierpinskiSquare · 03/04/2022 13:40

OP, you need to tell him what you do and don't want to do. I'd never cook someone a fry up if I didn't want to. If you want him to leave at a certain time then tell him. If you want him to pay in the pub tell him it's his turn. If you don't want him to drink all your drink then stop offering him drink. 🤷🏻‍♀️
I don't understand why people make things so complicated for themselves.

LightDrizzle · 03/04/2022 13:41

I’d expect a weekend guest to leave some time after Sunday lunch but I’d establish that in advance by messaging “Will you be able to stay for Sunday lunch?”

It’s bad manners for him not to at least offer to pay for himself when out and when we are guests, we make a point of buying our hosts a meal to say thank you. However going out for two meals in a weekend could be quite a lot for someone on a budget. I do expect us to host when we have guests.

If he doesn’t shift and you want him gone I’d resort to “I’m sorry to have boot you out but we’ll have start getting sorted for Monday, can I get you a tea or coffee before you go?”

C152 · 03/04/2022 13:43

I think you're being a bit unreasonable thinking that everyone has the same assumptions about when to have lunch / leave etc. If you have specific expectations, you need to tell guests in advance. "yes, we'd love you to come and stay on Friday and Saturday. How about we have lunch at midday before you leave?" or if that's too subtle just say, would be great to have you stay until about midday on Sunday, as we need to get prepared for the week on Sunday afternoon. Also, no, no one without kids understands that kids need to eat at a specific time. You need to be specific.

Riverlee · 03/04/2022 13:44

How far do they have travel? When he came to stay before, what has been the usual pattern?

Maybe offer tea and cakes at 4pm and drop heavy hints.

Pipsquiggle · 03/04/2022 13:44

Yes always good to talk about these things so guests are clear when they should leave E.g. We've got plans on Sunday afternoon so we'll have lunch at 1pm and say our farewells after then.

Typically my exiting strategy usually depends on traffic. If we've come a fair distance we leave either early on Sunday to beat the rush or very late - after the rush

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 03/04/2022 13:45

I'd leave after breakfast. Who on earth wants to start a journey at 6pm? That's about the time I start thinking about getting jammies on and cooking dinner!

DogsAndGin · 03/04/2022 13:46

I leave first thing on a Sunday - as early as I can get away with without seeming rude 😂

2bazookas · 03/04/2022 13:47

@Dingalingdong

And we are now still waiting for him to get out the shower so we can head off to the pub (which we will pay for no doubt) whilst the kids get more ratty as they are hungry..
Stay home and deploy the ratty kids weapon, full blast. Feed them some high-sugar crap for guaranteed rattiness.

He'll soon leave.

TooManyPJs · 03/04/2022 13:47

Stop assuming that everyone thinks the same as you.

I wouldn't be expecting my guests to leave at any particular time.

Tbh the ruder thing is that he's expecting you to pay for everything (obviously you host when in your home but when you go out for lunch you shouldn't be paying for him, that's just weird).

You sound like you know him well so just head out if you are still waiting and start getting ready before he's left.

Ponoka7 · 03/04/2022 13:50

"Who on earth wants to start a journey at 6pm? "

Single people who are going home to an empty house. Which is why arrangements need to be made clear. In terms of who pays for what normally that's addressed before the visit and steered to what can be afforded, if it's the norm that the host pays.

Madre123 · 03/04/2022 13:50

Tell him you have plans for today and he should need to leave early this morning...needs to be boundaries and expectations

LegMeChicken · 03/04/2022 13:50

YABVU.
How have you survived to adulthood being this passive? Use your words.

Jenasaurus · 03/04/2022 13:51

A friend of mine mentioned staying with a good friend of theirs last week and complained that they were told to cook their own breakfast, so maybe guests do expect the host to cook and provide the food, well in his case anyway.

As a host I would cook breakfast but its OK to say no, showing them the ingredients and telling them to cook a fry up in my kitchen would feel rude to me

BorderlineHappy · 03/04/2022 13:52

Why invite him when you clearly don't like him.
You know he's right,so that's down to you to lay ground rules.
He's not a mind reader.

If you're still going to the pub, forget your wallet and see what he says.

neverbeenskiing · 03/04/2022 13:53

This I why I just don't have overnight guests, much easier Grin

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/04/2022 13:54

Speak up for yourself at pub. "Your turn to get a round in , we paid for the last lot and your meal yesterday" with a smile. You've already said he's really tight so there's no point expecting him to offer.
If it feels rude to say that or he acts as if its rude, just consider that you already feel his tightness is very rude to you. If its a pub lunch. just smile and say "would you might buying your own, we already have to pay for four"
What time would you like him to leave on Sunday?
Just give him the heads up at lunch and say - Sundays are really busy for us preparing for the week ahead from 5 pm onwards, so we won't be able to do much after that time. What do you normally do on Sunday evenings?
He's not a mind reader, but at the same time you can't let him take advantage.. a bit of blunt speaking at the right time could save the friendship from resentment.

Ohmybod · 03/04/2022 13:54

Your friend is single and sounds like he doesn’t have kids. He operates entirely differently to you without the same obligations that juggling life with kids brings. I think the onus is on you to manage expectations and say next time for example, “Sunday evenings are crazy for us so we’ll call it a day and let you head off after the pub and get our routine going”….

There’s a chance however is going to pick up on your vibes and feel like he is an annoyance, which is how your thread comes across, and he won’t bother coming back.

ImInStealthMode · 03/04/2022 13:58

Christ OP stop being so passive and then moaning about your supposed friend behind his back, that's far ruder than anything he's done.

Use your words.

'We've got cereal, toast or fruit in for breakfast, what would you like?'

'I know I'd said I'd do a roast Saturday but after that fry-up and dinner out later it's all a bit much, so I'll do some sandwiches, cheese and ham ok?'

'The pub sounds great Sunday; it'll be a nice way to round the weekend off before you leave. We've got to be home by about 4 though to start getting the kids wound down for tea and bed, you're welcome to stick around a bit but we won't be much company'.

WingingIt101 · 03/04/2022 13:58

I’m with you OP - I think it’s really rude to stay beyond mid morning unless expressly invited for lunch or later.

I have a friend who is lovely in all other ways but this has always been a sticking point. She would come and then it would be later and later until it was just awkward. Eventually I found my voice and now when we make plans I say “how about you come anytime after 5 on Friday so I’m in from work (heads up I’ll be doing bath and bed time between 6 and 7!) then we can do xyz on Saturday, takeaway and bottle of wine on Saturday night and breakfast at the little cafe in town before going our separate ways Sunday?” If she ever seems to be making noise about staying later than works for me I just say something like “I know, such a shame we can’t; the week just goes to pot if I haven’t managed to get ahead of it on a Sunday!

Summerfun54321 · 03/04/2022 13:58

Why would you assume someone without kids would know anything about needing to get organised for the week ahead?

LegMeChicken · 03/04/2022 14:03

@Jenasaurus

A friend of mine mentioned staying with a good friend of theirs last week and complained that they were told to cook their own breakfast, so maybe guests do expect the host to cook and provide the food, well in his case anyway.

As a host I would cook breakfast but its OK to say no, showing them the ingredients and telling them to cook a fry up in my kitchen would feel rude to me

Wow really? You’d never expect anything specific for any meal (imagine demanding a cooked lunch). So why a ‘cooked breakfast’? It’s not a B&B.

Maybe there are people who expect to be waited on out there…I’m lucky to have escaped them.

DappledThings · 03/04/2022 14:03

@Summerfun54321

Why would you assume someone without kids would know anything about needing to get organised for the week ahead?
I have kids and I wouldn't assume anyone needed that much of Sunday to get ready.

We left our friends last Sunday about 3.30 after a very leisurely lunch in a pub. Would have stayed for another drink if it wasn't for us needing to get the journey done before danger nap time.

We both have 2 DC aged 4 and 6.