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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think you don’t wait til the last minute on a Sunday to leave

290 replies

Dingalingdong · 03/04/2022 12:10

Single friend has come to stay. We have two young kids. Known him for a long time, always been a bit tight (sometimes out of necessity, sometimes out of general tightness) but we do get on well.

Anyway he arrived at 10pm on Friday (before drinking his way through quite a lot including the bottle he brought) and crashing. Since then it’s been two full english breakfasts, a roast, dinner out and now a trip to the pub. And he’s not leaving until gone 6pm tonight.

So the question is what time would you tend to leave on a Sunday when staying with other people? And isn’t it hilarious that he doesn’t really understand when a nice time has been had but when to bow out so we can get organised for the week, especially considering he prides himself on his ‘manners’…

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 03/04/2022 18:18

You are expecting a single man who is a bit of a sot and rather tight on top of that to have consideration for others and common sense?

You know this man counts as far as One, right? You know he's a taker and not a giver.

If you want a weekend guest who behaves differently, invite someone else over.

RedskyThisNight · 03/04/2022 18:20

@Gwenhwyfar

" It really isn't polite to put the host in the position of having to tell you when you haven't asked! "

But how is a guest supposed to know there is a specific time?? This is the first I've ever head of this.

Indeed - if someone invites you for the weekend, it seems reasonable to assume they mean the whole weekend and not "we want you gone by early afternoon".

However, this person is supposed to be a friend of OP's. Does everyone set such store by the etiquette of politeness around their friends? Surely if you're both friends OP can just say "it would suit us if you were gone by 3" and the friend will be perfectly happy to fall in with this.

mathanxiety · 03/04/2022 18:21

The response to Oh fry up pls is a tinkly little laugh and a plate of toast.

SarahBellam · 03/04/2022 18:36

@Dingalingdong

I said ‘so for breakfast..’ and the response ‘oh fry up pls’
‘Haha. Cereal or toast.’

Agree a kitty for going out.

Agree a leaving time - ‘Bob, I have to help the kids with their homework before great Aunty Jean pops round at four, so I’m going to kick you out about 2pm?’

Tsuni · 03/04/2022 18:48

Do you even like your friend?

Octomore · 03/04/2022 18:55

I don't even understand how it would arise that you would pay for meals out.

The normal approach when the bill comes (IME) would be either (a) the guest says "You guys have been great having me to stay, this is my treat as a thank you" or (b) you all split it in whatever way you think is fairest.

Did he just sit there expecting you to pay, and rather than saying "Ok, so the bill is £90, which makes it £30 each as we've all had roughly the same" (or whatever), you just gormlessly paid up? Or were you/your DH trying to be billy-big-balls getting your wallets out and not letting him get a round in?

It's just bizarre, not normal etiquette at all.

UnsuitableHat · 03/04/2022 18:55

Don't invite single people to your house again. They're the devil.

Octomore · 03/04/2022 18:57

And the fry-up thing - if you lay on the floor and invite people to wipe your feet on you, you have to accept some responsibility when they treat you like a doormat.

UnsuitableHat · 03/04/2022 19:00

Yeah, if you didn't want to cook a fry up for him you should have just said, or simply told him what WAS on offer for breakfast.

katepilar · 03/04/2022 19:07

Dont assume he knows what you consider a good time to leave if its important to you. Discuss it with him.
6pm sounds like a reasonable time to leave if you come to spend a weekend with someone.

WomanStanleyWoman · 03/04/2022 19:19

This is all down to lack of communication, OP - mostly your lack of communication.

You posted this thread just after midday. That means you knew he was planning on staying for at least another six hours when, actually, that was less than convenient for you. You could have taken him to one side then and said ‘Sorry Steve, I should have made it clear sooner - we’re going to be really busy after lunch getting the kids ready for next week. Are you okay to get going after the pub?’

Similarly, when he’d said ‘Fry-up please’, all you had to do was say ‘Oh - what I was going to say was I’ve got cereal, toast etc.’ Instead you chose to cook it anyway and silently seethe about it, telling MN instead of him.

Phrases like ‘Surely it’s common sense!’ all too often have an unspoken precursor, such as ‘Well no, I didn’t actually ask what time he was planning on leaving or say I’d be busy in the afternoon, but…’ You’re trying to blame him for not somehow sensing your view of the etiquette around this, but are taking no blame of your own for expecting him to be psychic.

I’m not saying it’s entirely down to you. As a guest, I’d usually try to find some way to get an idea of your plans - as you can see, your unspoken rule of ‘out after breakfast’ is far from universal. For example, I might say ‘Have you got time for Sunday lunch before I go, or do you need to get on?’ That gives you a chance to say ‘Oh, that would be lovely, but we’re going to be really busy this afternoon’ or ‘You don’t have to rush straight off after lunch, do you?’, or something in between. But this thread suggests that because he hasn’t done that, you’re sure as hell not going to either - not when you can grind your teeth and bitch on MN about it.

You think he’s tight; you think he’s inconsiderate; you make sneery jokes about how he thinks he’s so well-mannered, yet he doesn’t automatically understand what YOU consider good manners. Why are you even friends?

I notice you haven’t been back in a while. Perhaps he’s still taking up all your time while you silently panic that you haven’t got time to iron the uniforms or put the school books in a bag. Or perhaps you didn’t get quite the chorus of ‘You’re so right, OP, single childless people have it sooooo easy, they can’t possibly understand how hard life is for us poor overstretched parents’ for which you were hoping.

NurseBernard · 03/04/2022 19:20

For someone so hot on ‘common sense’, I’m questioning yours, OP.

You don’t ask what guests want for breakfast.

You put out what you decide they can have.

What if he’d said ‘kippers’ or ‘pain au chocolate’? Did you have that in?

The man’s a complete freeloader. You know this.

Use some common sense and stop inviting him.

Or, you know, communicate with him, if you really want him to continue to come.

Tulipomania · 03/04/2022 19:21

how is the guest to know that they should ask?

I assumed it was basic etiquette but clearly not or I suppose there wouldn't be a need for this thread.

UnsuitableHat · 03/04/2022 19:24

Why is he a ‘complete freeloader’? He was invited to stay, was offered things and accepted them. That’s fairly normal for a weekend guest.

TirednessButHappiness · 03/04/2022 19:25

Yabu for not communicating and for making assumptions.

WomanStanleyWoman · 03/04/2022 19:27

@Tulipomania

how is the guest to know that they should ask?

I assumed it was basic etiquette but clearly not or I suppose there wouldn't be a need for this thread.

And if the guest doesn’t understand this ‘basic etiquette’, what is then the etiquette for the host? Make things clearer? Or sit seething because the guest didn’t understand?
NurseBernard · 03/04/2022 19:30

@UnsuitableHat

Why is he a ‘complete freeloader’? He was invited to stay, was offered things and accepted them. That’s fairly normal for a weekend guest.
He brought a bottle of wine.

Asked for fry-ups for breakfast. Has been cooked dinner. And been taken out to the pub, and paid for by the OP.

That is not OK!

Scarby9 · 03/04/2022 19:30

'Fry up, please'
'Oh, did you want to go out for a fry-up? I was planning a roast for lunch instead, but will that make it too late for you to get away? Would you rather go out for brunch instead, then you can get away a bit earlier?'
Two birds with one stone...

RedskyThisNight · 03/04/2022 19:32

@Tulipomania

how is the guest to know that they should ask?

I assumed it was basic etiquette but clearly not or I suppose there wouldn't be a need for this thread.

I have a strong suspicion that visitors to see the Queen are told very clearly when they are expected to arrive and when they are expected to leave. The onus is not on the guest to ask.
EthelTheAardvark · 03/04/2022 19:35

@Dingalingdong

I said ‘so for breakfast..’ and the response ‘oh fry up pls’
Reply "Sorry, we're eating healthy, it''s cereal and toast".
EthelTheAardvark · 03/04/2022 19:36

When he bangs on about manners, you need to introduce into the conversation the concept that good manners involves taking your hosts out for a meal when you're staying with them.

Youvebeengonesolong · 03/04/2022 19:50

I have a strong suspicion that visitors to see the Queen are told very clearly when they are expected to arrive and when they are expected to leave. The onus is not on the guest to ask.

The host obviously sets the parameters of the visit when it is first arranged. They either invite the person to come for a certain number of days at a certain time or they respond to a suggestion from the guest along the lines of "I am travelling nearby, may I come and stay?" But once the guest is there, it's up to them to double check that their departure time is convenient for the host, especially when this has been left open-ended.

NurseBernard · 03/04/2022 20:28

Reply "Sorry, we're eating healthy, it''s cereal and toast".

That doesn’t really make sense - you wouldn’t ask what someone wants, if you were going to dictate like that.

When we have people staying over, we just put whatever is for breakfast out. Job done.

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/04/2022 20:42

“Reply "Sorry, we're eating healthy, it''s cereal and toast".”

That’s not especially healthy is it. And you’d just sound like a bit of a dick as well. Just say sorry you don’t have the stuff in for a fry up or better still let him cook it for you all!

Octomore · 03/04/2022 20:51

I don't ask what guests want for breakfast. I just put out what we have at breakfast time (fruit, yoghurt, muesli, cereal, porage oats, toast) and tell guests to help themselves to whatever they fancy. I might offer scrambled eggs or pancakes if we were cooking them anyway, but that's as far as it goes.

Plenty of choice, but we're not a B&B, and it would be unreasonable for guests to expect that kind of service.

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