In laws came to see my new baby 10 times in the first two weeks last time...

[wardrobewarrior]

When I had my DD, two and a bit years ago, my in laws came to my house 10 times in the first two weeks of her life.

I was utterly miserable and devastated and no one spoke up for me and I had no strength to speak up for myself.

I begged my husband to ask them not to come, but he didn't want to upset them.

I had a really hard time breast feeding, felt disgusting and really had a severe case of the baby blues, later even PND. I wasn't able to always put a happy face on when they'd come round and openly ask how it was going with the feeding etc. and this made me look bad to them. My father in law even made some comments that life is too short to always be so miserable. I'll never know if it was directed at me. But in my mental state, it was directed at me.

I'm having my second baby in a few weeks and I'm terrified this will happen again. My husband also insisted his other family members came round at around 3 weeks post birth last time. But I also didn't want them to come yet and wasn't ready. It was really really a hard time for me. I was devastated constantly and I felt very alone and like no one understood or supported me. Even my mum was around and said that I had to let the in laws come over because you can't say no and it's rude and I'll come across badly.

This evening, my in laws came round for the second day in a row for some strange reason. Eventhough I made it clear I wasn't really up for it and it brought back all the memories. My mum is here visiting at the moment and I said to her that we cannot have a repeat from last time and she said again, you can't really say no and to not make a fuss. It's really triggered me and I'm really angry that no one supports me in this.

I think if I feel the same way again this time, I will need to explain to them that I can't have them visit as much.

In an argument we had when my first was a couple of months old, they told me I had made them feel unwelcome in my house with my attitude after the birth of my daughter. I really was devastated I couldn't breastfeed and my hormones were all over the place. My body was all weird and my stomach all hanging over my c section scar. I really just didn't want anyone to see me like that for a prolonged period of time. I also cried a lot and I didn't want them to see me cry. I think if they hadn't been all up in my face, my mental health might have been better.

I've never forgiven my husband for this. He knows this. I want him to have a word with them before the birth, that I will need space in my home from them and that they shouldn't take it personally. I'm very worried he will not stick up for me. My mum will be here to help me and I also told her that she needs to support me. She's the sort of person who doesn't understand why I cried so much etc, because she didn't feel that way. So it's hard to get through to her. I think she thinks I'm just a bit pathetic. I'll just need to be my own advocate if no one else supports me this time, I guess.

I’m sorry to hear all of that op. I have quite a laid back partner who doesn’t speak up for himself with his parents too. I learnt the hard way to set boundaries, and not to care what people think as my mental health is priority. As is yours. The first few weeks are precious and if you know from previous experience that your body needs the rest to breastfeed and be with your baby- that is your decision. I would send out a text once baby is born- that you would appreciate no visiting for a few weeks to be with your baby- and if they don’t like it that is their problem I’m afraid. You and baby are priority. If your partner doesn’t like it tough- he isn’t the mother and your needs come first.

Sorry to hear you had such a tough time and that was not helped with them all coming over all the time and making snidy comments. I would say straight out to them face to face if you can or if not send them a nice calm email saying that you will need a few weeks to bond with the baby and to get into a routine as last time it was all too much and how it is nothing personal at all and tell your husband he has to support you. Also tell your mum you need her support and not criticism as everyone is different after having a baby. You will feel better for it also if you talk to them and be confident while you say it and calm and do not be bullied into doing what they want. Tell them you will contact them when you feel up to it and things may be easier this time if you are more relaxed as you will not have that extra pressure on you then. Do they normally just arrive at the door unannounced? Tell them that is changing and times have to be arranged first. Try not to worry as you will be ok and also stand up to your mum firmly but calmly and tell her you need her support in your decisions and what suits you.

Yes to definitely setting boundaries!!

Can you ask them to take you older child out for a treat? I have 2 boys, one is 3.5yr and the other 14 weeks.

We've not had many visitors, but what had been really useful is my parents coming 1 day a week to occupy my older son. In reality they come over, take both kids out for 2 hours whil I do house work, and then my dad sits on my couch the rest of the day while my mums runs about after our older son and I look after the baby. But we have boundaries like, they need to take them out, and they don't stay for dinner. That sounds harsh, but there's reasons for these rules!

It sounds like you’re surrounded by selfish people.

They aren‘t putting you first so you put yourself first and TELL them how it’s going to be.

You’re the one giving birth, you decide.

Who knows! Maybe I'll even want them to come around this time !

My mum was SO fed up of them coming over last time as well. It was way too much for her too. But she wanted to keep the peace and make them happy. She's always like that. I told her tonight that OUR needs are just as important as anyone else's. They'll have plenty of time to bond with the baby, once that difficult period is over. They have a great relationship with my DD and I don't stand in the way of that.

They don't come unannounced. But they invite themselves round sometimes. Especially when my mum is visiting. Strange.

Tell your midwife what a nightmare it was and how it gave you pnd and get her to explain to your husband/mum before the birth you will need nurturing, rest and quiet to recover and a trail of guests will negatively effect all these. If they push boundaries again report it to the midwife and get her to have words.

Another option is staying in your bedroom when they arrive, resting, sleeping or having a headache when they visit. Or finding it to painful to move. Find a good book to read or series to watch.

They don't come unannounced. But they invite themselves round sometimes. Especially when my mum is visiting. Strange

Are they lonely? Or maybe just trying to show off to your mum that they are doting grandparents??

How often is your mum over? Are they maybe trying to natch the time spent with the baby that she does?

Eugh. These people sound selfish and unhelpful. I felt similarly before the birth of my second, although I did not suffer as badly as you first time round - kudos to you for having the strength to get through it.

Have you spoken to your midwife, and the HV team? When my MIL was a nightmare with my first, a midwife told her off, made her leave the room and wouldn’t let her back in that night - admittedly still in hospital.

But please, please ask them for help. They can absolutely help advocate for you, or be very firm with your husband on your behalf.

Otherwise, I guess breastfeed topless, lying down on the sofa. Perhaps exposing a c-section scar for “airing” if you have one

Honestly - this has brought back memories of my MIL, and I’m fuming on your behalf.

Your needs and the babies needs are the most important post birth, everyone else is way down the pecking order and their visits have to work for you. Please be selfish. Don’t keep the peace and broach the subject now. Just set expectations and don’t get involved in the fall out.

An honest WhatsApp sounds good. Tell them despite really enjoying seeing them normally, you were overwhelmed with all the visits last time, which sadly effected your recovery, bonding and breastfeeding. You felt sad that your needs were not really considered. If it helps you can ask the midwife to explain the ideal approach to supporting a mum with a new baby.

Jesus. AND you were recovering from surgery. Awful.

That sounds a lot to deal with. Also made more tricky as it sounds like your mum will be staying and I can see why others are keen not to exclude them if she is around.

Can you, with your HB, take the initiative and invite them to visit, rather than letting them come when you want?

I’m of the opinion that 2 weeks is a long time for grandparents to not see a newborn. But could you invite them to visit for coffee the day after you get home - and there’s no shame in being in bed/pyjamas then. And then maybe for a takeaway at a week old?

This is a DH problem. Tell him if he doesn’t respect your wishes this time you will divorce him without hesitation. Seriously this is not your battle to fight.

Do they get on well with your mum? My parents and in laws get on well and we all spend Christmas together so it wouldn't feel odd to me to have the in laws visit while my mum was staying.

If I was you I'd let them come and play with DD but if I wasn't feeling up to it I'd retreat to my bedroom and sleep / rest while they babysit. Turn it to your advantage.

God I'm so sorry OP, I don't know what you can do about it apart from find the strength to lay down the law and light a fire under your husband (who is behaving like a complete squib). This sounds like my personal idea of hell, you are by no means overreacting.

10 times in two weeks ! By that stage I'd have seen them off with a broom

You need to make it crystal clear that you are dreading having the new baby because of their behaviour. That they are spectacularly rude, not you. Your mum and husband need to be told the same.
Their lack of support is astounding. You and the baby are what matter at this point. What the in-laws want is completely irrelevant.
You need to start making this clear now. Your midwife will support you. Explain that they caused a lot of the baby blues. That they need to back off now!
If that doesn't work, I'd threaten to move in to a hotel just to get some peace.

You need to be clear and define what you mean by not visiting ‘as much’ in the first few weeks. I think it would be unreasonable to say no visiting for 3 weeks for example but say, once a week might be a good compromise. I think the fact that your mum is staying with you does add to the issue for your in laws as they will naturally feel left out in comparison.

Prioritise your needs, make sure DH is fully bought in but tread carefully or you’ll risk negatively affecting your relationship with in laws.

You are allowed to speak up for yourself now… Before baby comes and you’re too tired and vulnerable. I think if you can give them some positive feedback, you may avoid a little bit of drama.

Tell them that you love the relationship your DD has with them and you want the same for this baby, but you remember the conversation where they said that you made them feel unwelcome in your home. Explain that while it wasn’t your intention, you are going to do things differently this time to avoid PND. (Doctor’s orders!!!) Let them know that you need to spend time bonding with your baby in private, without having your body on show and having to listen to everyone’s opinions. Your mum will assist you with cooking, cleaning and lifting, etc, but your focus will be on feeding the baby and sleeping when you can, so that you are both physically and mentally strong. It would be great if they could come and take DD out every couple of days, so that she feels special and doesn’t get bored and jealous. Because you have been told that you need to focus on sleeping when the baby is sleeping, they need to accept that if they are told that it’s not a good day to come around, it’s not personal. It’s because you’re sleeping and feeding.

Ok so you can try a diplomatic route to start with, something like:

'I found the first few weeks of Dads life quite difficult with my own mental health and getting breastfeeding going. When the new baby arrives I'm going to focus on breastfeeding for the first couple of weeks. You can obviously come and meet baby once born but then I'll let you know when we're ready for more frequent visits. It will be lovely for DD to come spend some time with you and it would really help me out'

After that you can just say no.

Sorry op it sounds like a nightmare and it’s not normal acceptable behaviour of in-laws. I’m worried from your second post that you are already trying to convince yourself that it is acceptable to avoid a conflict.

Please, please tell them as directly as possible that they can come at all for the first two weeks unless you feel ready and able to allow ONE short visit on your terms and timetable only where any snide comment results in ejection from your house. Just do this without your partner’s ‘permission.’ You also need to put your foot down with your partner and tell him that if he doesn’t support you in this he will be spending the first few weeks living with his parents.

It is horrible when you are deeply affected by something but others with less self awareness don’t understand why you are not putting on a happy show for them. Try to put their superficial needs to the back of your mind and focus on your health and bonding with your new baby. You have a right to bond first any problems with the in-laws will still be there to sort out in a months time when you have had a lovely snuggly time getting to know your LO. Best of luck op

This has brought back some traumatic stuff for me as well.

Your needs are more important than theirs at this point in time. That's not selfish. That's life. Sometimes people need to be prioritised and postpartum women are among that group.

Do not be so accommodating this time. Stand up for yourself, it doesn't sound like anyone else is going to.

Your husband is being a lemon.

My DH was the same with our first born. It also led to significant PNA because my in laws are emotionally just like children and incredibly hard work on their best day. My DH used to encourage them to visit the baby while he was at work. He got to be the good son while I spent my mat leave contorting myself like a pretzel in an attempt to please others, and my mental health fell to the floor.

When my son was four months I blew up. Cried, screamed. I never even raise my voice usually, I just couldn't do it anymore. My DH finally changed his tune when he realised displeasing me was going to be as bad if not worse than displeasing them. He just wanted a peaceful life, fuck my experience.

Years later we're in counseling for this exact issue. Him sticking his head in the sand instead of looking out me for me.

For my second I put my foot down. Everyone was better for it.

You need to be clear, 10 times in 2 weeks is too much for anyone.

Might be helpful to arrange the next visit at the end of the first, say this is Sunday "do you want to come round on Wednesday at x time and do y with DC1"

It sort of makes it clear your aren't expecting to see them Monday or Tuesday..

If they turn up Monday or Tuesday set them to work, oh DMIL could you sort dinner, go shopping, clean the loo,

I'm a horrible DIL mine used to say "I'm coming round at 4pm" I'd deliberately go out and put my phone on slient "oh sorry I forgot you were coming'

Your relationship with yoru ILs will continue for decades - at some point you need to be firm. You have probably inherited your DM's need to be seen as 'nice'.
I suspect they are a bit jealous of DM being there. Hence their arrival.

However ime the second baby gets much less attention than the first so you might not see much of them at all.

@wardrobewarrior

Who knows! Maybe I'll even want them to come around this time !

My mum was SO fed up of them coming over last time as well. It was way too much for her too. But she wanted to keep the peace and make them happy. She's always like that. I told her tonight that OUR needs are just as important as anyone else's. They'll have plenty of time to bond with the baby, once that difficult period is over. They have a great relationship with my DD and I don't stand in the way of that.

They don't come unannounced. But they invite themselves round sometimes. Especially when my mum is visiting. Strange.

I was raised by a 'keep the peace' kind of mother. That's what I was taught.

But it wasn't 'peaceful' for me. Is this peaceful for you OP? Or is it stressful and harmful for you?

Think about whose peace you are keeping.

It doesn't sound like the in-laws give a fuck about your peace.

So why is it on you?

Another tack is take to your bed, were bonding skin to skin.
Or feed in the bedroom they'll soon get bored siting in your living room.

Agree this is a DH problem. To be honest I would force him to speak up clearly and enforce your boundaries.
They sound very selfish and over bearing! If they turn up when baby is here, take the baby and go upstairs or to another room away from them. If they say anything, say that you require some space at this time. Insist if you have to. xo